A "friend" lied to me. Do I call her out?

[Anonymous]

OP You cant avoid her because she is part of your friend group. But you can be cooler/ distant and turn your energies to other friends. As for doing something in the near future that you don't feel like doing, make an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy moly, is everyone here in 8th grade? I'm including the OP and her friend, because everyone seems to be very eager to avoid direct statements and general sucking it up.

No one gets invited everywhere. OP should know that, and her friend should have given her credit for knowing that (although seeing how this has shaken out, she had reason to doubt).

So the grownup thing to do when not inviting someone is not to lie about it. You don't invite someone, you don't mention it to her/him at all, and if the non-invitee hears about it, s/he says, "Oh, that sounds like fun" and moves along.

At this point, the grownup thing for OP to do would be to say to her friend, "Look, I know you can't invite everyone to everything, but in the future, don't like about it. Just don't mention the things I'm not invited to, and I won't mention the things I don't invite you to, and we'll just stay calm and know we like each other, OK? And I hope your shindig goes well."

Thank you!! Finally a voice of reason and maturity in this insane thread. +1!

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends on whether you want an authentic friendship or whether this is just a casual acquaintance or a "friendship" with lots of layers of masks. I could not hold my tongue with someone I considered a real friend if she did this to me. I would not be able to smile and make nice about it. I would tell her I was hurt by it and then let the chips lay where they may.

If this is a fakey friendship, OP, really life is too short for that. Move on to real friends.

[Anonymous]

It's not about the "party" it's about the *lying*. That is what all the grown ups are upset about. Rightfully so.

[Anonymous]

Op, you don't have any right-to-the truth, you don't any rights here at all. I don't get that it was "lying" and that said lying was so awful. She was put on the spot and came up some other language trying to spare your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you don't have any right-to-the truth, you don't any rights here at all. I don't get that it was "lying" and that said lying was so awful. She was put on the spot and came up some other language trying to spare your feelings.

Yeah, I agree with this, at least to a point.

I think there are two separate issues that are being conflated here.

The first is the "lying." Strictly speaking, it is not considered kosher to ask people if you are invited to events, and it is certainly considered rude to discuss a party you are having with a person you are not inviting. I understand that OP had been invited to the party in the past and considered her "friend" a close enough friend that it was okay to ask. But if "friend" doesn't consider OP that kind of close friend, then "friend" was simply trying to save face and bad feelings. That comes closer to "polite" than it does to "lying" among acquaintances (if not friends).

The second is is the friendship aspect. Yes, if someone you feel close to throws a party, doesn't invite you, and doesn't have a good reason for not inviting you (e.g.,"we're only doing family this year"), that falls under the label of "lying" but more important it falls under the label of "not a good friend." OP obviously needs to rethink how close she is to this person and whether she wants to be friends at all.

So, yeah, OP *could* confront her "friend" about this, and let her know that she knows about the party and knows she was purposely excluded. But the only reason to do this, IMO, is if OP wants to maintain the friendship. I would assess my relationship with this person, whether she has always been a good friend in the past and this current behavior seems out of character. If the answer is, "wow, I can't believe this, this is so unlike her," then by all means ask her about it, because it sounds like the friendship could be worth saving, and perhaps this is all a misunderstanding. But if the answer is (as OP seems to be implying in her posts), "This seems to confirm the feelings I was already having that this person is using me," then I wouldn't bother confronting the "friend." Because those kind of confrontations ARE childish and accomplish nothing, and because who wants her for a friend anyway? Now you know she isn't to be considered a real friend, so there is no need to accommodate requests to carpool, etc., unless doing so is convenient for you.

[Anonymous]

OMG, you people are insane. In my circle we have a lot of friends. We all sort of rotate, not everyone gets invited to everything because my house isn't that big but you will get your turn. Thank God our friends are reasonable people and all do the same! When I see on facebook that a group of our friends had dinner or a BBQ I wasn't invited to or whatever, I don't care at all, I just think, "hey, ought to get together with them soon, it's been a while!"

[Anonymous]

^ yep, it's called being an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you don't have any right-to-the truth, you don't any rights here at all. I don't get that it was "lying" and that said lying was so awful. She was put on the spot and came up some other language trying to spare your feelings.

It's called common consideration. Let me guess. You are from this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of strange. If she asked you to go somewhere with you, it's not like she doesn't like your company.

Could there be other reasons? She had to invite your ex and didn't want everyone to be uncomfortable? She really isn't holding the event and you are mistaken?

If you aren't close to her, I would just drop it. If you are, I would just ask her straight out.

I've had friends not mention things to me in order not to hurt my feelings - I hate that, but I understand why they are doing it.

I wonder too.

This time of year I am guessing the event is either an Oktoberfest or a Halloween party.

If we are talking about an Oktoberfest, I can totally see the offense.

If it is a Halloween party, there might be more to it especially if they have kids who are getting older/different ages than OPs kids. We do an annual Halloween party. In the past it was always mostly our friends with kids (mine & my husband's friends). This year our kids are aging out of that kind of party (parents' friends) but they still want a party so we are approaching it in a different way for our now tweens and teens. The Halloween party has a different focus and the guest list consists almost entirely of their friends plus a few neighbor kids. We are moving from it being "our" party to "their" party. Some of the same adults might end up staying but it is because their kids have a real friendship with our kids, and not because we are friends with the parents.

Could it be something like this?