A "friend" lied to me. Do I call her out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring this up. You already made her uncomfortable by asking about the event and she didn't feel like she could be honest with you. If you make this into a thing, then you're just doing more of made her uncomfortable around you in the first place. Back down from all engagements with her. Clearly, she finds your approach overwhelming. I'd be polite and say hello to her but not much else.

I agree with this.
Think of it as her doing you a favor by letting you know she doesn't want to be close friends with you. You don't have to wonder, now just do the closed lip smile when you see her and that's that.

Fwiw I had something similar happen over 10 years ago where a friend in the family friend circle I was in announced one day that she had too many obligations between our group, her family, husbands family, work friends, etc to hang out with our group anymore. It was a bizarre announcement that could have been done just by declining invitations, but she tries to do it in a gentle and direct way, I guess.
Maybe she just needs to weed out some people or is lowering the cost of the party, who knows? Maybe her husband has to invite his new work buddies and they redid the guest list, like people do with Christmas cards

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There are plenty of reasons why she may not be inviting you (cutting back?), and plenty of reasons why she choose to lie instead of telling you some version of the truth (uneasy about it?), or trying to evade the subject altogether (maybe you put her on the spot?).

Anyway, this alone does not make her a bad person. The best reaction is to act as if you did not know, and continue to treat her politely.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unit = hint

Lol! I thought maybe "giving me a unit" was slang for "giving me the finger"!

[Anonymous]

Just be more distant when you see her. Not rude but not super happy or interested in her life either. She's an adult, she knows what she did, and if there was a legit reason -- assuming you're a rational adult, she'd say it. Most people will say -- we're unfortunately making x event a family party this yr to cut back a bit; or Steve started a new job and wanted to invite all his work people, so we can't do it as a friend/family party this yr etc.

To say -- no we're not having the event -- and then have it is straight up dishonest. And unless she does this kind of thing to people all the time, she'll put two and two together that you're pissed bc of the lack of invite. If she wants to make amends, she can do that -- either by directly bringing it up or just by inviting you to hang out/being more interested in you than usual. If she doesn't -- well, you know how much she values the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Ghost as much as you can. I do not abide lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring this up. You already made her uncomfortable by asking about the event and she didn't feel like she could be honest with you. If you make this into a thing, then you're just doing more of made her uncomfortable around you in the first place. Back down from all engagements with her. Clearly, she finds your approach overwhelming. I'd be polite and say hello to her but not much else.

I agree.

OP here, yes, this is what I'm inclined to do. It's just hard to back out of other engagements with no reason. I wish I was brave enough to cancel or say no with the "getting my hair done" excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring this up. You already made her uncomfortable by asking about the event and she didn't feel like she could be honest with you. If you make this into a thing, then you're just doing more of made her uncomfortable around you in the first place. Back down from all engagements with her. Clearly, she finds your approach overwhelming. I'd be polite and say hello to her but not much else.

I agree with this.
Think of it as her doing you a favor by letting you know she doesn't want to be close friends with you. You don't have to wonder, now just do the closed lip smile when you see her and that's that.

Fwiw I had something similar happen over 10 years ago where a friend in the family friend circle I was in announced one day that she had too many obligations between our group, her family, husbands family, work friends, etc to hang out with our group anymore. It was a bizarre announcement that could have been done just by declining invitations, but she tries to do it in a gentle and direct way, I guess.
Maybe she just needs to weed out some people or is lowering the cost of the party, who knows? Maybe her husband has to invite his new work buddies and they redid the guest list, like people do with Christmas cards

OP here, if she wants to "weed me out", fine. But I wish she's stop asking me to do other things with her then. She is super sweet and nice but I get the feeling that's only the case when she needs something from me.

[Anonymous]

I'd invite her to do something really fun with you the time of the party just to see what she says...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring this up. You already made her uncomfortable by asking about the event and she didn't feel like she could be honest with you. If you make this into a thing, then you're just doing more of made her uncomfortable around you in the first place. Back down from all engagements with her. Clearly, she finds your approach overwhelming. I'd be polite and say hello to her but not much else.

I agree.

OP here, yes, this is what I'm inclined to do. It's just hard to back out of other engagements with no reason. I wish I was brave enough to cancel or say no with the "getting my hair done" excuse.

OP, when you say other engagements do you mean that she's part of social events that she's not hosting but you both are invited to? If so, don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Which means go to events you want to be part of.

If she's trying to initiate lunches or coffees with you, then I would feel free to decline. You don't need to be specific as to why; just that you're busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring this up. You already made her uncomfortable by asking about the event and she didn't feel like she could be honest with you. If you make this into a thing, then you're just doing more of made her uncomfortable around you in the first place. Back down from all engagements with her. Clearly, she finds your approach overwhelming. I'd be polite and say hello to her but not much else.

I agree.

OP here, yes, this is what I'm inclined to do. It's just hard to back out of other engagements with no reason. I wish I was brave enough to cancel or say no with the "getting my hair done" excuse.

She's not your friend. Back out of engagements with her. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Host the event instead. Just say, "We always enjoyed your Arbor Day Party and are sorry you can't host again. John and I decided we'd be happy to step up and do it this time so everyone won't miss out!" She'll know you'll find out her lie the minute you invite another friend. Watch her squirm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring this up. You already made her uncomfortable by asking about the event and she didn't feel like she could be honest with you. If you make this into a thing, then you're just doing more of made her uncomfortable around you in the first place. Back down from all engagements with her. Clearly, she finds your approach overwhelming. I'd be polite and say hello to her but not much else.

I agree.

OP here, yes, this is what I'm inclined to do. It's just hard to back out of other engagements with no reason. I wish I was brave enough to cancel or say no with the "getting my hair done" excuse.

OP, when you say other engagements do you mean that she's part of social events that she's not hosting but you both are invited to? If so, don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Which means go to events you want to be part of.

If she's trying to initiate lunches or coffees with you, then I would feel free to decline. You don't need to be specific as to why; just that you're busy.

Yes exactly, we are both invited to pretty large events and I'm sure we'll both attend a number of them. I wouldn't decline the invitation just because she would be there. It's just this specific event that I wasn't even planning on attending, she asked me to go together and I accepted. Now I really don't feel like it anymore.

[Anonymous]

She is using you. It's all about her. Not a friend and will never be a friend. Had this happen to me with a neighbor who happened to have a lot of kids to my only child. Took a while to catch on that I was only there for her to help entertain and watch her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Host the event instead. Just say, "We always enjoyed your Arbor Day Party and are sorry you can't host again. John and I decided we'd be happy to step up and do it this time so everyone won't miss out!" She'll know you'll find out her lie the minute you invite another friend. Watch her squirm.

The thought crossed my mind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying this is admirable or anything but I would totally ghost her for lying to my face about that. I mean total freeze out, we're done. But I'm just like that, you might not be.

If she asked me later why I was distant I would tell her flat out and never respond to any follow up texts/calls/emails.

+1... except that I wouldn't respond if she asked. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Totally agree.