My husband just admitted...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just would not be mad about this. At all.

Pathetic.

Why is it pathetic? I also wouldn't be that mad. A woman is already rubbing all over him, what difference does a handjob make?

So, then if he got a handjob regularly at a masseuse, you'd be ok with it? Wow, I'm surprised at how some people think it's NBD. I think that other PP asking about whether DHs would be ok if the reverse happened had a good point - I really don't think most men would be ok it. Maybe some of you who think this is nbd would be ok with an open relationship, as well.

I don't necessarily think this issue is divorce worthy, but I also don't think you should just forgive him and move on. If this happened to me, we would need serious therapy to work it out.

[Anonymous]

I would guess that he knew what he was getting into. Who doesn't know how these things work in hotels overseas? I'd be pissed, because he planned it, but I don't think it's a divorce worthy offense nor do I necessarily believe that he has more to hide. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. You have to decide what you are able to live with and how you want to move forward. The people freaking out about STDs are bit ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just would not be mad about this. At all.

Pathetic.

Why is it pathetic? I also wouldn't be that mad. A woman is already rubbing all over him, what difference does a handjob make?

So, then if he got a handjob regularly at a masseuse, you'd be ok with it? Wow, I'm surprised at how some people think it's NBD. I think that other PP asking about whether DHs would be ok if the reverse happened had a good point - I really don't think most men would be ok it. Maybe some of you who think this is nbd would be ok with an open relationship, as well.

I don't necessarily think this issue is divorce worthy, but I also don't think you should just forgive him and move on. If this happened to me, we would need serious therapy to work it out.

I am in a happily open marriage, so perhaps that is why I see this as not a big deal. I know my husband wouldn't care if the situation were reversed, but I think a lot of our friends in monogamous relationships would also not have a huge problem with this. What would bother me, and I think is really the issue with cheating, would be him lying about it. OPs husband fessed up pretty much immediately. I can see being skeeved out at another woman touching him, but I think in the grand scheme of things this is a trivial thing and at least he's not a liar. Proceed with the flaming....

[Anonymous]

Major, major red flag for other cheating. I wish I had not written off my exH's dalliances (prior to meeting me, that he shared) with this kind of stuff. Way over the moral line for me and was very demonstrative of his future behavior. One of those things that absolutely shocked me, and I found incredibly unattractive but I ignored because I felt like I had already invested so much in our relationship (even prior to engagement) He ended up being a huge cheater, thought nothing of using prostitutes etc. Of course, I never uncovered any of this without a private investigator.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be too worried about it. If you're upset about it, let him know. Tell him it shouldn't happen again and if he isn't willing to speak up and stop it then he shouldn't be getting massages at all. But, this one-time non-romantic thing is way different then an actual affair and I wouldn't worry that it means something more, unless you have other reasons to worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just would not be mad about this. At all.

Pathetic.

Why is it pathetic? I also wouldn't be that mad. A woman is already rubbing all over him, what difference does a handjob make?

So, then if he got a handjob regularly at a masseuse, you'd be ok with it? Wow, I'm surprised at how some people think it's NBD. I think that other PP asking about whether DHs would be ok if the reverse happened had a good point - I really don't think most men would be ok it. Maybe some of you who think this is nbd would be ok with an open relationship, as well.

I don't necessarily think this issue is divorce worthy, but I also don't think you should just forgive him and move on. If this happened to me, we would need serious therapy to work it out.

I am in a happily open marriage, so perhaps that is why I see this as not a big deal. I know my husband wouldn't care if the situation were reversed, but I think a lot of our friends in monogamous relationships would also not have a huge problem with this. What would bother me, and I think is really the issue with cheating, would be him lying about it. OPs husband fessed up pretty much immediately. I can see being skeeved out at another woman touching him, but I think in the grand scheme of things this is a trivial thing and at least he's not a liar. Proceed with the flaming....

DW in a monogamous relationship and I agree with you 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things:

I can't believe how inconsiderate this guy was to confess. He got a hand job, the chances of getting an STD that way are zero. He needed to live with his guilt and move on, and not torture his wife with this.

I can't believe how many people see this as THAT big of a deal. Its a handjob. During a massage, they rub you everywhere, so she gave him extra. Not saying I would be happy with DH getting a handjob, but I would put it in perspective of the whole marriage. If he was a habitual cheater, that's one thing. If he was curious as to what a happy ending was and gave it once, he is human.

If anything, I would ask DH if I needed to change my technique. Maybe she did him better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's lying. He asked for it and paid extra for that old fashioned. He could do it himself for free.

Of course he paid asked and paid for it - pros dont give away their services for free. That said, unless there are other issues in the marriage I would give a pass on this type of thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here--thanks all for the thoughtful responses. Lots to think about. What is a post-nuptial agreement? Do you go to a lawyer for that, or is it something you discuss between yourselves and agree upon together, about behavior/red lines moving forward?

[Anonymous]

Not an affair but, if this fits into a larger pattern of gross and/or unethical behavior on his part, I'd be alarmed.

[Anonymous]

If this were my DH, I'd be about 75% of the way to divorceville. but would put 25% of the rest of me toward an effort to find a really good counselor so we could hash out everything with a neutral party and decide if we were going to stay together or not.

But, basically, I'd be like: NO, YOU EFFED UP BIG TIME, YOU IDIOT. AND DON'T DRAG ME INTO YOUR RIDICULOUS STORY THINKING I'M GOING TO TAKE THE STUPID SH!T YOU SAY AT FACE VALUE.

[Anonymous]

The biggest problem I have with this is that it happened from overseas and you under reacted. So now he has another week to play by his rules because you didn't shut it down. If this kind of behavior on his part isn't OK with you I don't know why you would tell him you needed to process it. I'd be more freaked out of what is going on over the next week if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The biggest problem I have with this is that it happened from overseas and you under reacted. So now he has another week to play by his rules because you didn't shut it down. If this kind of behavior on his part isn't OK with you I don't know why you would tell him you needed to process it. I'd be more freaked out of what is going on over the next week if I were you.

Guess what? She can't control him. No matter what she says, he is halfway across the world and can do what he wants. I would not want to be in a relationship where I am a puppeteer.

OP, you did fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things:

I can't believe how inconsiderate this guy was to confess. He got a hand job, the chances of getting an STD that way are zero. He needed to live with his guilt and move on, and not torture his wife with this.

I can't believe how many people see this as THAT big of a deal. Its a handjob. During a massage, they rub you everywhere, so she gave him extra. Not saying I would be happy with DH getting a handjob, but I would put it in perspective of the whole marriage. If he was a habitual cheater, that's one thing. If he was curious as to what a happy ending was and gave it once, he is human.

Yep. +1

Awesome. Next time I get a massage I'm going to let my masseuse rub my clit for a bit. Not t worry, DH had no right to be mad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things:

I can't believe how inconsiderate this guy was to confess. He got a hand job, the chances of getting an STD that way are zero. He needed to live with his guilt and move on, and not torture his wife with this.

I can't believe how many people see this as THAT big of a deal. Its a handjob. During a massage, they rub you everywhere, so she gave him extra. Not saying I would be happy with DH getting a handjob, but I would put it in perspective of the whole marriage. If he was a habitual cheater, that's one thing. If he was curious as to what a happy ending was and gave it once, he is human.

Yep. +1

Awesome. Next time I get a massage I'm going to let my masseuse rub my clit for a bit. Not t worry, DH had no right to be mad!

Why is it so hard for people to understand that not everybody has the same fucking views on life as everybody else?