Single Mother by Choice Rant

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, we're all moms, we all have the same needs and wants and struggles, and I think there's far more that binds us than that separates us. (I'm including married or partnered mothers in this too.) It is an extremely rare occasion when I need to distinguish my type of singleness from any other woman's singleness. When I do, it is purely to signify that there is no dad in the picture -- not a divorced dad, not a boyfriend out there, no one. It's not meant to suggest that I somehow arrived at motherhood by a more acceptable route than anyone else did.

This. I'm married and have an adopted child. I have friends who have children and were never married, are divorced with children, etc. I never think about how they had their children or what the configuration is now. I just think of all of us as "moms". That's the most important and greatest thing---we're moms! The details don't matter.

[Anonymous]

Divorced mothers are NOT single moms. Does anyone else find that strange? Single mothers do not have spouses ex or otherwise to rely on.

[Anonymous]

I'm both, wheee. SMBC of my first child, and an unplanned baby two years later. Baby-daddy is ambivalent about being a full-time dad and my full-time partner. Life is super complicated. Other parents have an easier routine, and more me-time, but I have these fantastic kids, and great friends with all of the support and sympathy, which I have for them too when they need it. It takes a village.

I think OP is a bit of a dingbat who writes more for the sound and rhythm and less for the content. Making the choice to be a parent every day, SMBC for the ego. All nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced mothers are NOT single moms. Does anyone else find that strange? Single mothers do not have spouses ex or otherwise to rely on.

Of course divorced moms are single moms. A single mom is a mom who is single, I.e. Not partnered or married. It has nothing to do with how much help you have. My mom helps out a lot with my son, but as I am not married to her I am still a single mom. I have a friend who is a single mom with a kid in boarding school, that's a lot of help too. She's still single though.

If "single mom" was shorthand for "a lot if work" then my friend Jane with the husband who is on the road a lot, and the six boys, all of whom she homeschools, and one of whom is significantly disabled would be more of a single mom than me, but she isn't a single mom.

[Anonymous]

So I'm guessing the OP is a mom who was kicked out of a Single Mother by choice group because she's NOT a single mother by choice.

You became a mother in a relationship - the relationship didn't work out so now you are single. But the mother didn't happen while you are single you see.

Your ex - legally the father no matter how you feel it or see it obligated by the courts to pay child support. You can sue him and if he can't pay the state will provide you cash based on your income. He can always come back to claim custody provided he pays for the support. He is also listed on your child's birth certificate.

Your child's origin story is not filled with mommy going to the sperm bank or explaining to 2,000 social workers that you can care for a child on your own. It did not involve you paying extra for a doula because no partner would be around, etc.

There are TONS of divorced parent groups for you to join - look there and stop moaning.

A good friend of mine was widowed when pregnant. She is also not a Single Mom by Choice. She is a Single Mom not by choice.

My best friend is divorced with three kids she adopted and her husband just left, no support, etc. She is also a Single Mom not by choice. But her kids origin story had a loving father in it. The kids still think he's wonderful - she won't say a bad word about him but she is waiting for him to grow up.

As for sympathy, empathy, etc. never asked for it and only get it when I tell folks grandma is not in the picture. I have a ton of friends and resources to care for my son. I have partnered friends who don't have as many people. I am blessed.

If I start dating and end up w a man who becomes my kid's "dad" then I will leave the SMC group because while I created my kid as single by choice I won't be a part of the conversation any more. I will still value my SMC friends and continue those friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced mothers are NOT single moms. Does anyone else find that strange? Single mothers do not have spouses ex or otherwise to rely on.

Divorced moms don't have spouses or exes to rely on. What are you talking about? A parent without a partner is a single parent, period. Hence the by choice part. Means, not coparenting with someone else, chose this route. I can see why some would cringe at the term, but honestly, I think it just stops many questions about dad. and that is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced mothers are NOT single moms. Does anyone else find that strange? Single mothers do not have spouses ex or otherwise to rely on.

I've never been married and my ex is tons more involved than my two divorced friends' exes. One pays child support when wages are found to garnish but has zero visitation by choice. Friend doesn't have a clue where he lives. The other contributes a few hundred dollars once in awhile and sees his daughter when its convenient (he's in town and calls to say he wants to pick child up within an hour, only to disappear again eventually). Meanwhile, my ex has our child every weekend and picks up from school 1-2 a week. We're all single moms with varying contributions from the paternal parent. Not every married mom gets the same level of support from their husbands, but they're still married moms.

[Anonymous]

I'm a widowed mom and member of several widows' online support groups. Quite often a thread will be started, titled "Don't Call ME a Single Mom!". The discussion that follows is always along the lines of "we didn't choose to be in this position". Which of course is true, but there's always the underlying attitude that divorced, never married, or SMBC parents are sometimes "lesser" than us poor, widowed, sainted moms. Can you tell those discussions always make me crazy?

And yes, I miss my husband who was killed in a car accident when our youngest was 14 months old. I miss him. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Identifiers are useful. You're attending a Mommy and Me swim class or standing around a playground, getting to know other children and their parents. It can be helpful to know what's what. The narrative is important, but the story doesn't end there.

[Anonymous]

The martyrdom of motherhood!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm married, but I feel OP. I understand what the term is attempting to convey, but it almost sounds to me like women who claim they are "single by choice" moms are basically differentiating themselves from "knocked up by accident, e.g. Too ignorant to know better" single moms, not the divorced ones.

Yeah my sense is that women using the term are attempting to strike an empowered tone in a situation that is normally stigmatized. But I acknowledge some could intend it in a neutral way, shorthand for no father ever having been involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a widowed mom and member of several widows' online support groups. Quite often a thread will be started, titled "Don't Call ME a Single Mom!". The discussion that follows is always along the lines of "we didn't choose to be in this position". Which of course is true, but there's always the underlying attitude that divorced, never married, or SMBC parents are sometimes "lesser" than us poor, widowed, sainted moms. Can you tell those discussions always make me crazy?

And yes, I miss my husband who was killed in a car accident when our youngest was 14 months old. I miss him. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Identifiers are useful. You're attending a Mommy and Me swim class or standing around a playground, getting to know other children and their parents. It can be helpful to know what's what. The narrative is important, but the story doesn't end there.

SMC here. I like you. And I am so very sorry for your loss.

Like I said earlier, it is the RARE circumstance where how I became a mother really needs to be discussed. When my kid started daycare, I did say that I was single w/no father in the picture, because I wanted to make clear who is allowed to pick up my kid if I wasn't able to do it, and I was hoping for a little bit of mindfulness during family tree/Father's Day-type activities. (Not that my kid should be shielded from the fact that most kids have daddies -- I just wanted him to be allowed to make a gift for his grandfather.)


But, seriously, it just hasn't come up that much yet.

[Anonymous]

It's just like the "working" mother myth,
as if fulltime mothers don't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a widowed mom and member of several widows' online support groups. Quite often a thread will be started, titled "Don't Call ME a Single Mom!". The discussion that follows is always along the lines of "we didn't choose to be in this position". Which of course is true, but there's always the underlying attitude that divorced, never married, or SMBC parents are sometimes "lesser" than us poor, widowed, sainted moms. Can you tell those discussions always make me crazy?

And yes, I miss my husband who was killed in a car accident when our youngest was 14 months old. I miss him. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Identifiers are useful. You're attending a Mommy and Me swim class or standing around a playground, getting to know other children and their parents. It can be helpful to know what's what. The narrative is important, but the story doesn't end there.

SMC here. I like you. And I am so very sorry for your loss.

Like I said earlier, it is the RARE circumstance where how I became a mother really needs to be discussed. When my kid started daycare, I did say that I was single w/no father in the picture, because I wanted to make clear who is allowed to pick up my kid if I wasn't able to do it, and I was hoping for a little bit of mindfulness during family tree/Father's Day-type activities. (Not that my kid should be shielded from the fact that most kids have daddies -- I just wanted him to be allowed to make a gift for his grandfather.)


But, seriously, it just hasn't come up that much yet.

I like you too, and thank you for your kind words.

Life works better when people aren't tearing each other down. I don't really care if you're married to a man, a woman, never had a spouse, your spouse died, or left you. If you're at my house and your kid is hungry, I'll feed him or her. If it's anywhere near 5 PM and you're the thirsty type, expect a glass of mid range Pinot Grigio. And then we can talk about what REALLY matters: the latest episode of Real Housewives of NYC. Or string theory, or Donald Trump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just like the "working" mother myth,
as if fulltime mothers don't work.

How about the "fulltime" mother myth, like I stop being a mother when I'm working to earn money that feeds my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a widowed mom and member of several widows' online support groups. Quite often a thread will be started, titled "Don't Call ME a Single Mom!". The discussion that follows is always along the lines of "we didn't choose to be in this position". Which of course is true, but there's always the underlying attitude that divorced, never married, or SMBC parents are sometimes "lesser" than us poor, widowed, sainted moms. Can you tell those discussions always make me crazy?

And yes, I miss my husband who was killed in a car accident when our youngest was 14 months old. I miss him. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Identifiers are useful. You're attending a Mommy and Me swim class or standing around a playground, getting to know other children and their parents. It can be helpful to know what's what. The narrative is important, but the story doesn't end there.

SMC here. I like you. And I am so very sorry for your loss.

Like I said earlier, it is the RARE circumstance where how I became a mother really needs to be discussed. When my kid started daycare, I did say that I was single w/no father in the picture, because I wanted to make clear who is allowed to pick up my kid if I wasn't able to do it, and I was hoping for a little bit of mindfulness during family tree/Father's Day-type activities. (Not that my kid should be shielded from the fact that most kids have daddies -- I just wanted him to be allowed to make a gift for his grandfather.)


But, seriously, it just hasn't come up that much yet.

I like you too, and thank you for your kind words.

Life works better when people aren't tearing each other down. I don't really care if you're married to a man, a woman, never had a spouse, your spouse died, or left you. If you're at my house and your kid is hungry, I'll feed him or her. If it's anywhere near 5 PM and you're the thirsty type, expect a glass of mid range Pinot Grigio. And then we can talk about what REALLY matters: the latest episode of Real Housewives of NYC. Or string theory, or Donald Trump.

OMG WHERE ARE YOU. I'll be right over. Three days of forced togetherness with my "threenager" has made me really long for adult company, and lots and lots of wine.