Single Mother by Choice Rant

[Anonymous]

Are there single dads by choice?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I know of one single dad by choice. Need an egg donor and someone to carry the baby so it's not a cheap endeavor. He has twins.

[Anonymous]

When I hear that term I think of women who deliberately became pregnant, or adopted or fostered, because they wanted to have a child. Not the ones who accidentally became pregnant and did not abort. Those women I think of as single moms.

[Anonymous]

I think of women whose children never had a father.

[Anonymous]

I have a couple friends who are "choice moms." OP, this term is not a slight on your decisions or your parenting. It's not intended to imply that you're some kind of fallen failure of a woman and that they're better than you are.

Women who proactively choose to get pregnant without a partner face logistical issues that are relatively unique to their situation. Getting pregnant is often a process that is expensive and time consuming. I suppose that they could find common cause with partnered women experiencing infertility since the mechanics may be the same in some cases, but it's still different.

Additionally, the term is an identifier for other moms in the same position. The choice moms that I know are very intentional about creating a community for their children and whether you find it insulting or not, they likely shoulder more responsibility than even a divorced woman with an absentee ex. Most divorce women I know receive some kind of support from the father of their child, whether that's in terms of shared custody or financial support. They also have obligations associated with the other parent that choice moms don't have, and sometimes that can have complications (getting a passport, for example, requires both parents and if both parents aren't there, an explanation needs to be provided).

It's really not about you and I think it's kind of weird that you're this upset about it.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm a "single mom by choice" but I've never used that term. I find it somehow too clinical... I adopted a baby - I wanted to be a mom. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there single dads by choice?

Yep - I know one who adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the phrase either, but thought it had a different connotation and intent. I had not seen it as differentiating in the same way as OP.

When I have seen the phrase, it is more to convey that because a woman shows to be a single parent, she should not be asking for, or receiving, more slack, assistance, or sympathy based on her going it alone. There is, for better or worse, a kind of victim status often given to "single mothers". They are revered for their fortitude, and receive extra slack, and admiration for "getting through" parenting alone. If someone is identified as going it alone by choice however, it indicates that she is not a victim at all and has chosen to parent without a partner. Haven't gotten there by choice, others may feel it last necessary for the community to help her out with parenting responsibilities.

Yeah, I can remember, early on, just stating as a matter of fact that I was a single mom, and out came the sympathy faces on other people, and I had to jump in there with, "Not single mom sad. Single mom happy!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there single dads by choice?

Yes, I know several through adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the phrase either, but thought it had a different connotation and intent. I had not seen it as differentiating in the same way as OP.

When I have seen the phrase, it is more to convey that because a woman shows to be a single parent, she should not be asking for, or receiving, more slack, assistance, or sympathy based on her going it alone. There is, for better or worse, a kind of victim status often given to "single mothers". They are revered for their fortitude, and receive extra slack, and admiration for "getting through" parenting alone. If someone is identified as going it alone by choice however, it indicates that she is not a victim at all and has chosen to parent without a partner. Haven't gotten there by choice, others may feel it last necessary for the community to help her out with parenting responsibilities.

I'm taking this a bit off topic, but this is worth discussing because it's interesting. I find this to be very much a double edged sword. I've both received the slack and also been seen as an absolute liability in the workplace when presented as a single parent. I've not found any particular overwhelming wave of help offered up without my asking for it specifically (which you hopefully learn to do at some point in life no matter what your circumstances, because life isn't a solo sport). The strong woman stereotype has an ugly side. People who are expected to be superheros sometimes get heaped on when they reveal that they aren't. I'm interested in others' thoughts about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the phrase either, but thought it had a different connotation and intent. I had not seen it as differentiating in the same way as OP.

When I have seen the phrase, it is more to convey that because a woman shows to be a single parent, she should not be asking for, or receiving, more slack, assistance, or sympathy based on her going it alone. There is, for better or worse, a kind of victim status often given to "single mothers". They are revered for their fortitude, and receive extra slack, and admiration for "getting through" parenting alone. If someone is identified as going it alone by choice however, it indicates that she is not a victim at all and has chosen to parent without a partner. Haven't gotten there by choice, others may feel it last necessary for the community to help her out with parenting responsibilities.

I'm taking this a bit off topic, but this is worth discussing because it's interesting. I find this to be very much a double edged sword. I've both received the slack and also been seen as an absolute liability in the workplace when presented as a single parent. I've not found any particular overwhelming wave of help offered up without my asking for it specifically (which you hopefully learn to do at some point in life no matter what your circumstances, because life isn't a solo sport). The strong woman stereotype has an ugly side. People who are expected to be superheros sometimes get heaped on when they reveal that they aren't. I'm interested in others' thoughts about this.

It is an interesting topic. I have found that because I "chose" to be a single mother - in certain areas I'm actually given less slack because after all "I asked for it".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the phrase either, but thought it had a different connotation and intent. I had not seen it as differentiating in the same way as OP.

When I have seen the phrase, it is more to convey that because a woman shows to be a single parent, she should not be asking for, or receiving, more slack, assistance, or sympathy based on her going it alone. There is, for better or worse, a kind of victim status often given to "single mothers". They are revered for their fortitude, and receive extra slack, and admiration for "getting through" parenting alone. If someone is identified as going it alone by choice however, it indicates that she is not a victim at all and has chosen to parent without a partner. Haven't gotten there by choice, others may feel it last necessary for the community to help her out with parenting responsibilities.

I'm taking this a bit off topic, but this is worth discussing because it's interesting. I find this to be very much a double edged sword. I've both received the slack and also been seen as an absolute liability in the workplace when presented as a single parent. I've not found any particular overwhelming wave of help offered up without my asking for it specifically (which you hopefully learn to do at some point in life no matter what your circumstances, because life isn't a solo sport). The strong woman stereotype has an ugly side. People who are expected to be superheros sometimes get heaped on when they reveal that they aren't. I'm interested in others' thoughts about this.

When I was a single mom, I never experienced the wave of help. I did get a lot of "I don't know how you do it alone..." from women who would kind of melt down when their partners would go away for a few days. Obviously not all women were like that, but that happened a lot more than people actually offering to help and following through on that offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the phrase either, but thought it had a different connotation and intent. I had not seen it as differentiating in the same way as OP.

When I have seen the phrase, it is more to convey that because a woman shows to be a single parent, she should not be asking for, or receiving, more slack, assistance, or sympathy based on her going it alone. There is, for better or worse, a kind of victim status often given to "single mothers". They are revered for their fortitude, and receive extra slack, and admiration for "getting through" parenting alone. If someone is identified as going it alone by choice however, it indicates that she is not a victim at all and has chosen to parent without a partner. Haven't gotten there by choice, others may feel it last necessary for the community to help her out with parenting responsibilities.

I'm taking this a bit off topic, but this is worth discussing because it's interesting. I find this to be very much a double edged sword. I've both received the slack and also been seen as an absolute liability in the workplace when presented as a single parent. I've not found any particular overwhelming wave of help offered up without my asking for it specifically (which you hopefully learn to do at some point in life no matter what your circumstances, because life isn't a solo sport). The strong woman stereotype has an ugly side. People who are expected to be superheros sometimes get heaped on when they reveal that they aren't. I'm interested in others' thoughts about this.

When I was a single mom, I never experienced the wave of help. I did get a lot of "I don't know how you do it alone..." from women who would kind of melt down when their partners would go away for a few days. Obviously not all women were like that, but that happened a lot more than people actually offering to help and following through on that offer.

Absolutely agree. I have not been offered a lot of help and honestly, I haven't asked for much help either. We're doing okay for the most part.

[Anonymous]

Um, OP, I think this implies that the "single" part is by choice, not the "mom" part so you're getting worked up for the wrong reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say that I hate this fucking term. It is condescending. Those who use it don't want to be associated with those that were somehow "forced" into single motherhood? If we had a failed marriage, at least we got to marriage. If we never got married, we chose to be mothers and keep/parent the baby. Why do you feel the need to make this distinction, what does it gain you? Can I just say I'm a single mom, and it is my choice. Every single day, I choose to wake up and be a parent. We all have choices. The use of that term judges and diminishes the lives and choices of others. You are no better or worse than the rest of us. And let me tell you, I'd rather be a single mom, than a married mom who hates her husband/life, or a mom who gave up or aborted her baby and regrets it (totally pro-choice and pro-adoption, just saying I know I would regret it). You didn't chose to not find a suitable partner anymore than I did.

So yes, I choose to be who I am just as much as you do.

Rant over.

Quite a few divorced single mothers I know do feel that they were "forced" into single parenthood. When they got pregnant, they expected to have the dad's help and support, but they ended up parenting alone because kid's dad contructively abandoned them. They are mothers by choice but not single parents by choice.