Single Mother by Choice Rant
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Anonymous
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Can I just say that I hate this fucking term. It is condescending. Those who use it don't want to be associated with those that were somehow "forced" into single motherhood? If we had a failed marriage, at least we got to marriage. If we never got married, we chose to be mothers and keep/parent the baby. Why do you feel the need to make this distinction, what does it gain you? Can I just say I'm a single mom, and it is my choice. Every single day, I choose to wake up and be a parent. We all have choices. The use of that term judges and diminishes the lives and choices of others. You are no better or worse than the rest of us. And let me tell you, I'd rather be a single mom, than a married mom who hates her husband/life, or a mom who gave up or aborted her baby and regrets it (totally pro-choice and pro-adoption, just saying I know I would regret it). You didn't chose to not find a suitable partner anymore than I did.
So yes, I choose to be who I am just as much as you do. Rant over. |
Anonymous
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Um, what the heck are you trying to say?
I am a single mother by choice and I don't get your objection. I rarely use the term in real life conversation because so few have actually heard it. When I do, I am using it to convey to someone that there a dad was never part of the picture. And of course this is different from a divorced mom where there is clearly a dad in the picture. |
Anonymous
| You are reading WAY to much into that term. |
Anonymous
| *too much |
Anonymous
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I'm a single mother by choice. I refer to myself that way very rarely, but sometimes it's helpful to be able to answer the question "where's his father?" or "how did you become a single mother"?
Why would it offend you to understand that I specifically sought out single parenthood, while it may have happened to you, and turned out to be the best thing ever, but you came to it through a different route. |
Anonymous
| Yep. As a PP said it is shorthand for "no dad." If you are divorced or even knocked up by a one-night-stand, the dad may still be in the picture to some degree. Heck, some women going by the term "single mom" actually have true shared custody and only have the kids 50% of the time, which is a far cry from a dad who was a donor and will never be physically or finacially present. |
Anonymous
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Wow! I think you're taking this waaaay too personally, OP.
For one, why should you care how someone chooses to label themselves? 2. Single mom by choice, as pointed out, generally emphasizes she chose to go it alone w/o a partner. In other words, explaining why there's no dad or paternal family in the picture. No one is insulting the divorcee. And what good is it to 'get to marriage' only to have it fail and leave people bitter? At least with the mom by choice, the situation is not borne out of loss or resentment. |
Anonymous
| I agree with PPs who say you shouldn't take the term personally. However, I get that the term seems to imply that others are single mothers not by choice but as hapless victims. I think what's difficult for me is I don't have a pithy label for "never-married-baby's-dad-and-we-broke-up-while-I-was-pregnant-and-he's-never-been-part-of-baby's-life-and-provides-no-financial-support-and-I'm-fine-with-it-all". |
Anonymous
I'd just go with single mom by choice. As PP said, it's a quick answer to "there's no dad," so just use that because, in essence, there really isn't in your case. |
Anonymous
| OP, I get where you are coming from. I do. There is a lot out there in the world telling us we did it wrong somehow (I'm divorced). That said, it's just a way for folks to convey how they started their families. It's ok to rant, but try and let it go. |
Anonymous
| I'm married, but I feel OP. I understand what the term is attempting to convey, but it almost sounds to me like women who claim they are "single by choice" moms are basically differentiating themselves from "knocked up by accident, e.g. Too ignorant to know better" single moms, not the divorced ones. |
Anonymous
You lost my sympathy with this piece of bitchiness. It's descriptive. Most people didn't choose to be a single parent. Some people did. Those people are in an entirely different circumstance, and telling them that they don't have a right to describe themselves, because it makes you feel insecure, is just weird. I know a few SMBC and they don't use it to show they're better than other single moms -- they use it to convey that they're not looking for sympathy. Usually when people say "oh, I'm a single mom" they're asking you to cut them some slack or for some kind of help. Nothing at all wrong with that, but I can see how people would want to convey that all is going according to plan and they're not in need of anything. |
Anonymous
| Yikes. I didn't coin the phrase and don't particularly care for it myself, but it's the commonly accepted way to express that the biological father is not now and never will be in the picture, as PPs have said. |
Anonymous
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I don't like the phrase either, but thought it had a different connotation and intent. I had not seen it as differentiating in the same way as OP.
When I have seen the phrase, it is more to convey that because a woman shows to be a single parent, she should not be asking for, or receiving, more slack, assistance, or sympathy based on her going it alone. There is, for better or worse, a kind of victim status often given to "single mothers". They are revered for their fortitude, and receive extra slack, and admiration for "getting through" parenting alone. If someone is identified as going it alone by choice however, it indicates that she is not a victim at all and has chosen to parent without a partner. Haven't gotten there by choice, others may feel it last necessary for the community to help her out with parenting responsibilities. |
Anonymous
First, that comment was indeed bitchy. Second, you are really high strung, and taking personal offense to a phrase that is not at all about you. Third, you choose to be a parent every day? Really? What are the alternatives? Every day you decide whether or not to give your kid up for adoption? Come on. Fourth, your premise is just plain wrong. Many women decide to have children without a partner of any kind. They choose this BEFORE they have children. That is different from getting divorced after having kids. You may indeed have chosen to get divorced and become s single parent (though from the tone of your post, I suspect that someone else made that choice for you), but that's different. Not better or worse, just different. Lighten up. |