Single Mother by Choice Rant

[Anonymous]

"attempting to strike an empowered tone in a situation that is normally stigmatized."

Maybe the problem is the stigmatizing?

From another mom widowed young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...shorthand for no father ever having been involved.

It's odd to me that this topic generates so much passion. This is the only way I ever interpreted the phrase, I guess because most other parenting configurations at least started off with the intention of sharing the responsibility (you can substitute "father" with "partner"). It doesn't mean anyone is any less of a mother or more of a martyr, but I do think there is a difference between women who chose at the outset to go that road alone and those who didn't.

Now whether or not it's a difference worth getting heated about on or off an internet forum is another story altogether.

[Anonymous]

Well, in fairness, the only person who was heated in this thread was the (likely long-gone) OP. Even the folks who kinda sorta agreed with her did so with a shoulder shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just like the "working" mother myth,
as if fulltime mothers don't work.

I'm a full time mom and I have a career.

Who is a part time mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. As a PP said it is shorthand for "no dad." If you are divorced or even knocked up by a one-night-stand, the dad may still be in the picture to some degree. Heck, some women going by the term "single mom" actually have true shared custody and only have the kids 50% of the time, which is a far cry from a dad who was a donor and will never be physically or finacially present.

It's not shorthand for 'no dad" since it is actually longer. It is a euphemism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a widowed mom and member of several widows' online support groups. Quite often a thread will be started, titled "Don't Call ME a Single Mom!". The discussion that follows is always along the lines of "we didn't choose to be in this position". Which of course is true, but there's always the underlying attitude that divorced, never married, or SMBC parents are sometimes "lesser" than us poor, widowed, sainted moms. Can you tell those discussions always make me crazy?

And yes, I miss my husband who was killed in a car accident when our youngest was 14 months old. I miss him. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Identifiers are useful. You're attending a Mommy and Me swim class or standing around a playground, getting to know other children and their parents. It can be helpful to know what's what. The narrative is important, but the story doesn't end there.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My father was also killed in a car accident when I was 16 months old. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for my mom (and you).