Single Mother by Choice Rant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you choose to be a single mother with no committed partner then expect no empathy, sympathy for me. This is the most selfish thing a woman can do because all children need two participating parents. Having a child to feed your ego is just plain wrong.

I see you've worded this to get around the lesbian question.

What's the difference between having one mom versus having two moms?

There's a lesbian question?

Who asked it? Is it extra credit? Do I have to show my work? Here:

The difference between having one one mom versus having two moms is that when you have one mom there is one mom and when you have two moms, there are two moms.

You're welcome!

And two is the magic number because...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you choose to be a single mother with no committed partner then expect no empathy, sympathy for me. This is the most selfish thing a woman can do because all children need two participating parents. Having a child to feed your ego is just plain wrong.

Not sure why you think we would be seeking out your sympathy or empathy. In fact, I RARELY mention how tough it is because I knew what I was getting into before having a child (to the best that any person can).

Also, could you explain how this is different from families where one parent travels all the time, or works 80+ hours a week, or got trapped into it when they really didn't want a child.

Strange how you focus only on single women. Must be a weird hang up.

Agreed - I don't need any sympathy or empathy. I am loving life as a mother.

I'm also curious what "feed your ego" means. ?

+1 also don't get the "ego" thing.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I'm divorced and never read that term the way OP does. To me it just says they are the only parent and have been from the start. Nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thought here. My daughter is adopted so the choice to become a parent was intentional. However, later on, my ex husband became emotionally abusive and zero communication or understanding, or shit, just being around me and our daughter. So I made the consious choice to move out and move on with my life. Best thing I could've ever done. I now live my life on my terms, and bonus, my daughter gets a dad. The day I left is the day she got a dad, because he had to be.


So yep, Single Mom by choice. I'm 100% ok with it.

I will say in choosing to get married and choosing to become a parent, in no way did I think my life would end up here. But everything happens for a reason and I'm happy I get a second chance to find love, respect and friendship.

[Anonymous]

I guess this term describes me though Ive never used it much. On the one hand yes I chose to be a single mother when i found myself approaching 40 and single. But it wasn't my first choice. Things have worked out well though ... this forum is full of married mothers who are deeply unhappy about being parents (not all but plenty of them) not sure why that is better than being a happy single mom.
To those who think it is the most selfish thing you can do ... you don't have much of an imagination!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you choose to be a single mother with no committed partner then expect no empathy, sympathy for me. This is the most selfish thing a woman can do because all children need two participating parents. Having a child to feed your ego is just plain wrong.

I see you've worded this to get around the lesbian question.

What's the difference between having one mom versus having two moms?

There's a lesbian question?

Who asked it? Is it extra credit? Do I have to show my work? Here:

The difference between having one one mom versus having two moms is that when you have one mom there is one mom and when you have two moms, there are two moms.

You're welcome!

But why is that relevant? What makes it necessary or best? Why does it matter how many parents a child has in their life as long as the parent or parents are loving, supportive, and committed to ensuring the child's well-being? Seems to me difference is the quality of the parenting, not how many people are doing it and what their relationship status is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you choose to be a single mother with no committed partner then expect no empathy, sympathy for me. This is the most selfish thing a woman can do because all children need two participating parents. Having a child to feed your ego is just plain wrong.

I see you've worded this to get around the lesbian question.

What's the difference between having one mom versus having two moms?

There's a lesbian question?

Who asked it? Is it extra credit? Do I have to show my work? Here:

The difference between having one one mom versus having two moms is that when you have one mom there is one mom and when you have two moms, there are two moms.

You're welcome!

But why is that relevant? What makes it necessary or best? Why does it matter how many parents a child has in their life as long as the parent or parents are loving, supportive, and committed to ensuring the child's well-being? Seems to me difference is the quality of the parenting, not how many people are doing it and what their relationship status is.

Oh, I don't think it does matter. I was just responding to the ludicrous "lesbian question". No one family structure has a lock on how to produce happy children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you choose to be a single mother with no committed partner then expect no empathy, sympathy for me. This is the most selfish thing a woman can do because all children need two participating parents. Having a child to feed your ego is just plain wrong.

I see the GOP has joined us in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Divorced mom here, you are over reacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, what the heck are you trying to say?

I am a single mother by choice and I don't get your objection. I rarely use the term in real life conversation because so few have actually heard it. When I do, I am using it to convey to someone that there a dad was never part of the picture. And of course this is different from a divorced mom where there is clearly a dad in the picture.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm a "single mom by choice" but I've never used that term. I find it somehow too clinical... I adopted a baby - I wanted to be a mom. End of story.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you choose to be a single mother with no committed partner then expect no empathy, sympathy for me. This is the most selfish thing a woman can do because all children need two participating parents. Having a child to feed your ego is just plain wrong.

Tell that to the birth mom who chose ME over several other 2 parent homes. My child and I are doing great!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I'm divorced and never read that term the way OP does. To me it just says they are the only parent and have been from the start. Nothing more.

Same here. Must be because we aren't carrying the same baggage as OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say that I hate this fucking term. It is condescending. Those who use it don't want to be associated with those that were somehow "forced" into single motherhood? If we had a failed marriage, at least we got to marriage. If we never got married, we chose to be mothers and keep/parent the baby. Why do you feel the need to make this distinction, what does it gain you? Can I just say I'm a single mom, and it is my choice. Every single day, I choose to wake up and be a parent. We all have choices. The use of that term judges and diminishes the lives and choices of others. You are no better or worse than the rest of us. And let me tell you, I'd rather be a single mom, than a married mom who hates her husband/life, or a mom who gave up or aborted her baby and regrets it (totally pro-choice and pro-adoption, just saying I know I would regret it). You didn't chose to not find a suitable partner anymore than I did.

So yes, I choose to be who I am just as much as you do.

Rant over.

I think you have comprehension issues. No one but you seems to interpret that expression in the way that you have.

[Anonymous]

I'm a "single mom by choice" and I kinda sorta get where the OP is coming from, a little bit -- but certainly not the rageful attitude behind it. You gotta relax, OP.

Where I'm mildly sympathetic is that I do think SOME (not all!) of my fellow SMCs use the term to distinguish themselves from "those" women who get themselves "knocked up," even if they might not say so out loud. It is my sense that some women don't want to be seen as being irresponsible like their perception of low-income, undereducated, black and brown women.

As a minority woman, I realize that no one is going to look at me and my kid and think "oh, she did this the 'right' way since she's an SMC." You can't tell by looking at me. All they're going to think is, oh, here's another single black mom with a kid -- and they will make their judgments accordingly. No label I slap on myself will change that.

At the end of the day, we're all moms, we all have the same needs and wants and struggles, and I think there's far more that binds us than that separates us. (I'm including married or partnered mothers in this too.) It is an extremely rare occasion when I need to distinguish my type of singleness from any other woman's singleness. When I do, it is purely to signify that there is no dad in the picture -- not a divorced dad, not a boyfriend out there, no one. It's not meant to suggest that I somehow arrived at motherhood by a more acceptable route than anyone else did.