So how hard is it really to be a single mother (by choice)?
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Anonymous
Not according to many of the posters on this thread. |
Anonymous
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OP, is it possible you are considering making this huge life change due to depression or grief over the loss of your pregnancy... and perhaps your husband's unsympathetic or inappropriate reaction to it (and not sharing feelings, etc)? The whole fertility process is very trying and often puts a big stress on a marriage. I read this " My husband loves me and I still feel lonely" and I feel bad for you because it sounds like you have your own issues to work out before you take this leap.
While I am a strong supporter of single moms by choice (SMCs) because I am one, it wasn't my life's plan. It is a rewarding but tough life choice, especially without help or enough funds. Take all the help your parents are able to give you, including moving into there home if need be! Mine lived to far away to help much. At this point, to go the SMC route your biggest hurdle is not money but TIME. Fertility clinics will not impregnate "married" women with donor sperm without the full consent of the spouse! You will be considered a married woman (untreatable) until you divorce which I suppose will take at least another year. If you are age 40, your window of opportunity is closing fast or closed. Yes, you can possibly freeze your eggs (but consult a lawyer as they may be part of a divorce settlement if extracted during the marriage, even if unfertilized) but this is not guaranteed to work. Yes, I sound harsh but I waited too long and could not get pregnant over 40 with my own eggs... I had to go the (expensive) donor egg route. Can you afford that? Sometimes I wonder if I should have just married one of my EX boyfriend's (nice guys would have made great fathers but not necessarily a good husband for me) just to have a kid. Unless your husband is a total brute or bore or financially irresponsible (no need to respond, TMI), would you consider the option to stay married, try counseling and try having a child together while putting a big effort into making the marriage work, at least for a few years? That may be your best option if you really want a child. (I can't believe I just typed this... I'm NOT a proponent of staying in a bad marriage.) Good Luck! |
Anonymous
OP -- I'm you...or rather, what you could be in a few years. Make in the mid-$70s, had a kid by an anonymous sperm donor at age 40 (awesome to see "elderly primagravida" on my medical chart) and it is not "lunacy," unless you're talking about the lunacy of keeping up with a toddler! They are tiny lunatics.
This is not at all my experience. I have a nice flexible job that allows me to walk out the door every day at 5 p.m. -- and I'm not the only one, so I don't stand out as a "slacker." I work at home when I need to. I certainly wish I earned more, but the flexibility has its own value. My child is delightful. I can't believe that I've been given this gift. But those daycare years will definitely be a huge drain on your finances, no question. There's a single moms by choice meetup group in this area if you want to talk with other women who are thinking about this and other women who have done this and are making it work. We have get-togethers all the time. http://www.meetup.com/Single-Moms-By-Choice/ I respect the other single mothers here who have spoken to the challenges of this path, because it can be challenging, for sure. But for those who are not single but are just offering opinions -- this might seem hard to you because you've never done it. When it's all you know, you make it work. It's not like I can just come home from work one day and decide that no one needs dinner and I'm going to bed early. You make it work because it's your job (and also, it is a joy.) I adore my child. Also, I actually think that the baby/toddler/young child years are simpler because the child's needs are easy to meet. Food, clothing, shelter, snuggles. When my kid enters into the tween and teen years is when I expect things to really be hard. I mean, imagine that you're going through menopause as your daughter is about to start her period. Hormones will be raging. And also, I expect the tween-teen identity-forming years to bring up a lot of issues about not having a dad. It's not all about sweet babies. I scanned this thread really quickly but I think you said you were considering freezing your eggs? Don't waste your money. A lot of places won't freeze eggs of a woman over 38, anyway. You've done fertility stuff already so you know the stats, but I can say that looking back on it, I had no idea how lucky I was to get pregnant on IVF #1 at age 40 (and no embryos survived to freeze) I think you should do what thinking you need to do to make a decision, but if you think this is a path you want to pursue, I'd consider moving pretty quickly on it. |
Anonymous
| 47 year old single mom of an adopted baby, from birth. She is now 21 months. It is wonderful, and everyday I feel so fortunate that my life has worked out this way. Very expensive but I have the resources, thankfully. Days are long when childcare is ALL on me...but it is worth it...and I know that she is at a physically demanding age...I anticipate it will get easier. Go for it if you think you can handle it. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Hi there,
I'm 36, and I make about 55,000$/year. My baby is 16 months and I work and take care of her. It's all about your motivation level and work ethic. Many moms around here, work 20 hours a week, with full time help - they CHOOSE NOT to be with their children. It makes me so sad since I spend all my free time with my baby. If this is something you're putposefully doing, then I'm sure you'll be fine! Nothing more fulfilling than having your own child, and it seems very unfair that you should not have a child just because you don't have a husband or spouse. Good luck! I Wasn't afraid and it's turned out great. Don't deprive yourself of this amazing experience because you're worried! |
Anonymous
I'm going to guess the hardest thing about being a single parent, for me, would be the emotional regulation and level of calm serenity required. I'm a hothead. I didn't know how much of a hothead I was until I had kids stand on my last nerve... and then tug and pull on it, too. 
Having someone to pass the ball to when I get wound up is a GREAT THING, and I miss it when my spouse is on work travel. I'll be the kids miss it, too... Good luck, OP. I think you can do it on that salary, get a financial advisor--one you 100% trust, and definitely reflect on your ability to commit to a little person for 18-25 years, someone who surely might not appreciate or be grateful (or even listen!) to you for what seem like big chunks of years.
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Anonymous
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So if conceiving naturally is an option, that could be less expensive than ART.
I'm a SMC choice mom through donor conception. There are some list serves for free donors. Not the only donor option. There is the friend/cousin of friend donor option. On your salary, it is tough. I made about that and didn't work out the details well enough. You might want to think through what you will need to cut and where your support will come from. Can anyone keep the kid for free one weekend a quarter? It is exhausting and amazing. My kid is school age now. Before and aftercare still runs $400+/- in some DCPS. All the best to you! |
Anonymous
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Your salary is enough, OP. It's just a question of how much of a lifestyle adjustment it will be for you. Posters on DCUM are used to living a very comfortable lifestyle. If you are frugal and don't expect to pay for every last extra-curricular and gadget, you will be fine. When DC1 was born, DH and my combined income was 60K. We were still putting in long hours at work, and had to pay for daycare. We developed frugality into an art form. Now our income had doubled, and what do we spend it on? Having a second kid. Traveling internationally. Spending on private preschool and expensive activities for the kids. None of these things are essential. We still live just as frugally in our daily life, so that we can afford these luxuries mentioned above. The money is not the problem. It's your support system. Do you have close friends here, the type to take care of your child in a heartbeat? Do you have other family members here younger than your parents? Will you have to bear the financial and material burden of looking after your parents in their old age? |
Anonymous
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I am a single mother by choice through adoption. My answer to how hard is it has varied by age. In the first two years, when I felt I barely had a moment to breathe,it was hard, and could get lonely at times. But, in many ways, it didn't seem much harder than parenting a baby and toddler as a married person would be. All my married mom friends were just as tired, and had minimal downtime. Now that I have a tween, and my house and car are ten years older, I do feel like having another income, and someone else to deal with home repairs and other assorted life issues would make my life much, much easier. As kids get older, some parenting decisions become more complex. There is added pressure in making those decisions alone, but also added freedom. I get to make all the decisions and choices for my child's future, for better or worse.
Also, really think about how much you want to continue dating and whether you want to eventually marry. Everyone knows a single mom who found true love. But, in my experience, those single moms who marry are almost always divorced moms who are getting re-married. Dating as an SMC is much, much more difficult than dating as a divorced mom with shared custody, who gets lots of time to date without having to get a sitter, is capable of going away for the weekend, etc. Most SMCs I met when I adopted ten years ago are still single. |