So how hard is it really to be a single mother (by choice)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a lot going on already. I know that pursuing single motherhood by choice is all-consuming (adoption, in my case) and I would assume ending a marriage is overwhelming, too.

If you are going to do this, you have to act now. I had always set 40 as the age that I would start pursuing motherhood if I didn't find Mr. Right, but 40 came and went and I didn't get serious for a few years and then adopted in my mid-40s, and I was very lucky. I can't emphasize enough how much time this all takes, whether you are going to have your own child or adopt.

It sounds like your parents are supportive, so that's a good thing, especially given the money issues you may have. I was lucky enough to have a consistent caregiver for many, many years, and we essentially raised DC together.

Still, one thing that I didn't expect was the loneliness of single motherhood, especially in the beginning, when your child's needs are constant and they can't yet talk. It gets better once your child becomes an "interactive" person, but the loneliness - and lack of ability to go out at all, even to run to the drugstore - did take me by surprise.

But it has all been worth it, that's for sure.

Good luck.

I'm not really a going-out person to begin with, so I figure I can rot alone or I can have someone to whom I can give my love and energy. I think that not having someone to love would be lonelier than not having anyone to love me. My husband loves me and I still feel lonely.

I already have almost all the newborn baby gear I need, as I had already collected it all before my last pregnancy ended. So that's taken care of, and I've learned where to get more stuff on the cheap or for free when I need it. I'll take anything secondhand. But I would feel terrible, as a PP discussed earlier, not being able to give an older child what she wants because we can't afford it. Of course, I could end up meeting someone else, but I remember what's out there in the dating world and I figure I need to be okay with being alone before I exit my marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, why wouldn't you consider adopting or fostering a child who is already here, and would benefit from having a mother in his/ her life?

[Anonymous]

Go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why wouldn't you consider adopting or fostering a child who is already here, and would benefit from having a mother in his/ her life?

I'm not the OP, but I'm curious - have you adopted or fostered a child, PP who is asking this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why wouldn't you consider adopting or fostering a child who is already here, and would benefit from having a mother in his/ her life?

I'm not the OP, but I'm curious - have you adopted or fostered a child, PP who is asking this?

No, I haven't. But I'm also not a desperate 40 year old in a failing marriage with limited finances, who hears a biological clock ticking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why wouldn't you consider adopting or fostering a child who is already here, and would benefit from having a mother in his/ her life?

I'm not the OP, but I'm curious - have you adopted or fostered a child, PP who is asking this?

No, I haven't. But I'm also not a desperate 40 year old in a failing marriage with limited finances, who hears a biological clock ticking.

I see.

You'll get this a lot, OP, from people who think the standards for you should be different than the standards for them.

You owe no one an explanation or apology for wanting a biological child.

I looked into having a baby on my own, but in the end, I couldn't work out the logistics in my mind, plus tests revealed fibroids, so I pursued adoption, not as some morally superior choice, but to get a child in the way I could.

[Anonymous]

It's doable on your salary. I make 98k, with 3 kids. You need support, good benefits and will have to hunt for an daycare. Many families get by on less in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But I would feel terrible, as a PP discussed earlier, not being able to give an older child what she wants because we can't afford it. Of course, I could end up meeting someone else, but I remember what's out there in the dating world and I figure I need to be okay with being alone before I exit my marriage.

OP, no kid gets everything she wants. Take that one off your plate. You have enough for a reasonable middle class existence (No, not DCUM middle class, but you have enough.) I think you should have a very honest conversation with your parents and ask the how much support (I'm thinking time, not money) they thought they could provide you. Things like babysitting of course, but also would they run to CVS for you if you were home with a sick kid? I think you can do this. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You can definitely do it on that salary OP. Go for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be really, really tough on that salary. When you have that sort of salary you generally don't have the kind of job where you can work from home when your kid is sick, or duck out of work last minute when your kid's school calls and you have to run there. Also, depending on where you live, your kid may be very jealous - my kid is poor and she has friends who travel internationally a couple of times a year. It'd be a huge budget-planning moment to scrape together the money for getting a passport. She's constantly telling me "Yukina does gymnastics; can I do it? Lily does soccer with Skylar; I want to do soccer." We'll leave a birthday party and all the other moms will be taking their kids to dinner and invite us and DD's face falls when I say no and it's because I can't afford that. Now she's 12 and wants to go to the mall and buy little trinkets and snacks with her friends and that's at least $20 each time.

Plus, EVERYTHING is on you. Every diaper change, every meal, every single decision. Sometimes it's nice - nobody argues with me about a parenting decision (aside from the kid), but sometimes I just wish someone ELSE could solve the latest problem or cook dinner, or haul the kid where she needs to be, or help her clean her room.

How much do you make? I make 72k but had DD as a single mom on 48K at the time. We still have fun money, but my housing costs are low. We relied on charter schools for a solid education initially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why wouldn't you consider adopting or fostering a child who is already here, and would benefit from having a mother in his/ her life?

I'm not the OP, but I'm curious - have you adopted or fostered a child, PP who is asking this?

No, I haven't. But I'm also not a desperate 40 year old in a failing marriage with limited finances, who hears a biological clock ticking.

This is hilarious. You clearly know very little about adoption or the costs and risks involved.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom who makes around $50K plus appr. $4000/yr in child support (if my ex actually pays up which he often does not). I had my DD at age 30 but now that I am 40, I could not imagine having a baby now. I guess you haven't had 10 yrs of being a single mother already so maybe you aren't as tired as I am. It is exhausting doing every single little thing yourself. I would make sure you are in awesome health and have energy already. Also, I would do all kinds of testing because you've already stated you couldn't deal with/afford a special needs child on your own. Take advantage of modern medicine and have all of the tests done you can. There is not guarantee you won't still have a special needs child but ... It sounds like you have a lot on your plate now. Can you freeze your eggs to deal with the time pressure?

[Anonymous]

OP here - I would like to start a commune for single mothers. We could all live in one well-located apartment building and help each other out as needed. There would be an affordable daycare in the building, and a pharmacy and small grocery. We would encourage primary care physicians and pediatricians to set up shop in the building too. Who wants in on my urban kibbutz?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be really, really tough on that salary. When you have that sort of salary you generally don't have the kind of job where you can work from home when your kid is sick, or duck out of work last minute when your kid's school calls and you have to run there. Also, depending on where you live, your kid may be very jealous - my kid is poor and she has friends who travel internationally a couple of times a year. It'd be a huge budget-planning moment to scrape together the money for getting a passport. She's constantly telling me "Yukina does gymnastics; can I do it? Lily does soccer with Skylar; I want to do soccer." We'll leave a birthday party and all the other moms will be taking their kids to dinner and invite us and DD's face falls when I say no and it's because I can't afford that. Now she's 12 and wants to go to the mall and buy little trinkets and snacks with her friends and that's at least $20 each time.

Plus, EVERYTHING is on you. Every diaper change, every meal, every single decision. Sometimes it's nice - nobody argues with me about a parenting decision (aside from the kid), but sometimes I just wish someone ELSE could solve the latest problem or cook dinner, or haul the kid where she needs to be, or help her clean her room.

Oddly enough, I thought the exact opposite. If you are earning $30K a year, you probably don't have paid sick or vacation time. If you're earning $200K, you are chained to your billables. But if you're earning about $80K, you're probably in a white collar nonprofit job where folks are pretty understanding about these things, with paid sick, vacation, and FMLA.

[Anonymous]

PP here. While I am not a single mom by choice, my ex has very little to do with our DD. He sees her for a few days a year (he lives out west) so it's always been all on me.