So how hard is it really to be a single mother (by choice)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom who makes around $50K plus appr. $4000/yr in child support (if my ex actually pays up which he often does not). I had my DD at age 30 but now that I am 40, I could not imagine having a baby now. I guess you haven't had 10 yrs of being a single mother already so maybe you aren't as tired as I am. It is exhausting doing every single little thing yourself. I would make sure you are in awesome health and have energy already. Also, I would do all kinds of testing because you've already stated you couldn't deal with/afford a special needs child on your own. Take advantage of modern medicine and have all of the tests done you can. There is not guarantee you won't still have a special needs child but ... It sounds like you have a lot on your plate now. Can you freeze your eggs to deal with the time pressure?

Yes, if I do decide to leave the marriage I will freeze my eggs. I would still like to believe I could meet someone else in the next couple of years, but I don't expect it. I would want to have those eggs on ice either way.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, I forgot to respond to your initial post. As mentioned, I make 72K now. I own a 2 bed condo but can tell you that we've barely used the 2nd bedroom. You're zoned for good schools which is wonderful. I paid about $1200 for infant care monthly. You can totally do it on your salary. I'd suggest saving as much as you can so that you can take a longer maternity leave and save on childcare costs initially. Having parents willing to help out would be huge. I speak from experience. You really don't need to pay anything close to 2K for infant care.

I took an overseas assignment two years ago and we've done tons of travel since. I was able to save and pay off some debt as a result. I get the sense that you're resourceful. I worked a PT gig one day a week that netted me about $400-450 extra per month for a couple years and allowed some breathing room in my budget. You could probably do something similar, if needed, with your parents nearby.

Pull the trigger and don't overthink it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom who makes around $50K plus appr. $4000/yr in child support (if my ex actually pays up which he often does not). I had my DD at age 30 but now that I am 40, I could not imagine having a baby now. I guess you haven't had 10 yrs of being a single mother already so maybe you aren't as tired as I am. It is exhausting doing every single little thing yourself. I would make sure you are in awesome health and have energy already. Also, I would do all kinds of testing because you've already stated you couldn't deal with/afford a special needs child on your own. Take advantage of modern medicine and have all of the tests done you can. There is not guarantee you won't still have a special needs child but ... It sounds like you have a lot on your plate now. Can you freeze your eggs to deal with the time pressure?

Yes, if I do decide to leave the marriage I will freeze my eggs. I would still like to believe I could meet someone else in the next couple of years, but I don't expect it. I would want to have those eggs on ice either way.

And if you don't decide to leave, you are going to have the baby now?

Don't let your desire to have a baby be what keeps you married to a man with anger issues. I have a child with a man with anger issues and I swear to you it only gets worse (and it doesn't get better after the sleep-deprived newborn stage).

Freeze your eggs regardless. Spend six months working on your issues separately, then make a decision about the marriage. THEN make a decision about a baby.

[Anonymous]

I am a single mother by choice and I say go for it. I was making marginally more, with a government job. Single or not you still probably would have to deal with every single diaper change. Being able to focus on yourself and your baby has lot of positives over growing dependent on your partner's help, and managing the often strained relationship when a baby is born.

[Anonymous]

Agree with freeze your eggs NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like to start a commune for single mothers. We could all live in one well-located apartment building and help each other out as needed. There would be an affordable daycare in the building, and a pharmacy and small grocery. We would encourage primary care physicians and pediatricians to set up shop in the building too. Who wants in on my urban kibbutz?

I'm in! I'm a pregnant single mother by choice. I'm also Jewish so the kibbutz thing is not too far fetched for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like to start a commune for single mothers. We could all live in one well-located apartment building and help each other out as needed. There would be an affordable daycare in the building, and a pharmacy and small grocery. We would encourage primary care physicians and pediatricians to set up shop in the building too. Who wants in on my urban kibbutz?

Wouldn't a living arrangement like this be prohibitively expensive for mid-income single mothers, or would your commercial tenants pay above-market rents to subsidize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be really, really tough on that salary. When you have that sort of salary you generally don't have the kind of job where you can work from home when your kid is sick, or duck out of work last minute when your kid's school calls and you have to run there. Also, depending on where you live, your kid may be very jealous - my kid is poor and she has friends who travel internationally a couple of times a year. It'd be a huge budget-planning moment to scrape together the money for getting a passport. She's constantly telling me "Yukina does gymnastics; can I do it? Lily does soccer with Skylar; I want to do soccer." We'll leave a birthday party and all the other moms will be taking their kids to dinner and invite us and DD's face falls when I say no and it's because I can't afford that. Now she's 12 and wants to go to the mall and buy little trinkets and snacks with her friends and that's at least $20 each time.

Plus, EVERYTHING is on you. Every diaper change, every meal, every single decision. Sometimes it's nice - nobody argues with me about a parenting decision (aside from the kid), but sometimes I just wish someone ELSE could solve the latest problem or cook dinner, or haul the kid where she needs to be, or help her clean her room.

Oddly enough, I thought the exact opposite. If you are earning $30K a year, you probably don't have paid sick or vacation time. If you're earning $200K, you are chained to your billables. But if you're earning about $80K, you're probably in a white collar nonprofit job where folks are pretty understanding about these things, with paid sick, vacation, and FMLA.

Yes, np here and this is my situation exactly. 80K for a low-stress, full time but flexible professional job. I don't think it's unusual.

[Anonymous]

Go for it OP. I am a single mother by choice. I make more than twice what you do so money isn't too much of an issue.
I don't have family very close but my brother comes regularly to help out.

On a daily basis it is exhausting but it is a lot of fun. Picking him up from school is the best part of my day. Are there times I want to scream. YUP but those are far outweighed by the good times.

You need to develop a network of good friends and you'll be ok.

Not that you asked but I suggest you have the baby using a sperm donor after you divorce. If you have a baby with your husband you are tied to this man for the rest of your life. Doesn't seem like a good idea to me.

Good luck OP.

There is a local meet up group called Single Mom's by Choice that is a much better place to get your info.

[Anonymous]

I am a single mother by choice who adopted a delightfully happy and healthy baby boy who is the light of my life. Would a father enhance his life? Absolutely. Is he loved and cared for and given everything he needs? You bet. The way I see it, defining a good household by the number of parents in it is ... well nuts. Families come in all varieties. But yeah, you'll encounter a lot of ignorant folks who will pretend they care about the well being of a child but really just want to treat you like a second class citizen.

I did this with an income in the low six digits and it was hard but doable. I agree that you should save as much vacation time and money up front to get through those expensive daycare years. Won't lie ... it is super hard. You are squeezed for money, you have no free time, and yes, not being able to leave the house on your own, ever, is quite an adjustment. But if you really want it, well, a switch does flip and you can get it together. But dont delay .. these things take time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want this to happen, you need to start saving like crazy. I wouldn't sweat college, but childcare and your own retirement will be tough. Still, I would say if you truly want to be a mother (especially if you already have the eggs retrieved), then you will find a way to make the finances work out and it will be worth it.

There are social groups for single mothers and single mothers by choice. You could look into that. It may be a helpful resource and you could trade baby supplies, swap childcare, etc.

I have a couple of single friends with kids (one biological, one adopted) with a very similar salary and with no family help who are doing it. It is hard, but it seems very worthy. I have to say I admire them both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like to start a commune for single mothers. We could all live in one well-located apartment building and help each other out as needed. There would be an affordable daycare in the building, and a pharmacy and small grocery. We would encourage primary care physicians and pediatricians to set up shop in the building too. Who wants in on my urban kibbutz?

I'm in.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am a single mother who adopted at 39. I make a bit more than you - and its a tight budget. Doing it alone is ALL CONSUMING. I thought I would have balance in my life and still be able to pursue my own interests - but so far that has not been the case. That said - and I would not change a thing. Motherhood is what I am doing right now and its already flying by. There will be time for me later.

Your parents are actually young compared to mine (nearing 80) and if they are nearby - all the better. I have no family in the area and have relied on friends very little. It would be so helpful to have more of a support network. For example - when you have a sick kid and need to get a prescription filled and you don't want to bring the sick child with you. For times you just want to run out to the grocery store to get a few things. You will not even have five minutes to yourself. There are days this is overwhelming but again, I would not change it. I'm just telling it like it is. Make sure you have a network in place.

I think your idea of a "commune" is great and would work so well. It would be great to have that support network.

Best of luck in your decision making.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you that it is hard. Rewarding, ultimately, but hard. I'm an accidental single mother - got pregnant with a guy I was dating, he dumped me and I kept the baby instead of terminating. (Had I been 10 years younger, I would have terminated, but I was 36 - kind of a last-chance scenario.)

I make about $100K and the dad is in the picture, which is helpful. He pays about $15K child support, which is very helpful. I ended up moving closer-in to my job, which meant taking on a bigger mortgage. That part is hard. There's not much extra money at the end of the month, though I do save 15% of my income for retirement and another $3-$4k/year for college.

The two big downsides of being a single mom, besides money: (1) it is much harder to prioritize your career, so your income and job responsibilities can stagnate. You're always rushing to and from work, and it can be very hard to put in a full 40-hour workweek with the child care hours you have. (2) I find it much harder to date. MUCH harder. As in, I haven't had a relationship of longer than about a month since my daughter was born, and I had little trouble dating before. There just isn't much time, there isn't much opportunity and it is hard to switch gears from being Mom to Sexy Interesting Creature to meet and date new men.

So if you do this, be aware that you may be choosing Child over Marriage. Make sure you're ok with that. There are exceptions, but in this area, most of the single moms I know have remained single, while most of the single dads I know have remarried or married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you that it is hard. Rewarding, ultimately, but hard. I'm an accidental single mother - got pregnant with a guy I was dating, he dumped me and I kept the baby instead of terminating. (Had I been 10 years younger, I would have terminated, but I was 36 - kind of a last-chance scenario.)

I make about $100K and the dad is in the picture, which is helpful. He pays about $15K child support, which is very helpful. I ended up moving closer-in to my job, which meant taking on a bigger mortgage. That part is hard. There's not much extra money at the end of the month, though I do save 15% of my income for retirement and another $3-$4k/year for college.

The two big downsides of being a single mom, besides money: (1) it is much harder to prioritize your career, so your income and job responsibilities can stagnate. You're always rushing to and from work, and it can be very hard to put in a full 40-hour workweek with the child care hours you have. (2) I find it much harder to date. MUCH harder. As in, I haven't had a relationship of longer than about a month since my daughter was born, and I had little trouble dating before. There just isn't much time, there isn't much opportunity and it is hard to switch gears from being Mom to Sexy Interesting Creature to meet and date new men.

So if you do this, be aware that you may be choosing Child over Marriage. Make sure you're ok with that. There are exceptions, but in this area, most of the single moms I know have remained single, while most of the single dads I know have remarried or married.

This is single mom 9:52 and I agree with this. I've barely dated since adopting my child. In a way it really is like choosing motherhood over marriage. I may meet someone later - but I'm okay with my life if not.

I also agree that I'm constantly rushing and work does take a back seat at times. Luckily I have a stable job that I've been at for a while. No, it is not that interesting or challenging for me any more and if I weren't a mother I'd probably look for something else. But it works out so well in our life that I just can't leave this job right now.