I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you are struggling. I have been there.. today I am not there, but tomorrow I may be.. My son was diagnosed with severe autism a little more than 1.5 years ago.. to tell you I was living in hell is an understatement. We were unable to do anything without him freaking out. He was completely non-verbal.

At the time he was diagnosed, I was an unemployed lawyer (and I needed to be employed for $$ and my own sanity) and my husband had purchased his business 6 months before the whole autism thing..

One thing I recently discovered is a schedule, even just handwritten on a piece of paper for my 4.5 yr old, eases his anxiety some. I also started creating a meal calendar on Saturday/Sunday and have everything ready to go for the entire week. Takes an extra 20 minutes on the weekends but makes the weekdays soooo much easier.

Our life as parents is completely the opposite of what we thought it would be.. there are no team sports, parties to attend etc. But we have tried to find our "new normal".

I truly hope things get better for you. I'm not going to recommend therapy or medication or anything else.. I'm sure you know if you need that or not. Some days just truly suck.. some months suck.. then you will have a few that are better. I hope your better times come very very soon!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey - all of us get angry and depressed. You are not dealing constructively with it at the moment. Maybe this "moment" is going on really long. Have you considered going back to the doc to have meds changed, increased or switched?

Do not wallow in the place you are in right now. It's temporary. Make a list of all the good things you have going on in your life. Hey - it sounds like your husband does more than mine!

Then, when you are calm, make list of things that need to change and then talk it through with your partner.

I had to bribe my kid to get him to stay at camp that first day... but now he loves it! Perhaps this is just a small setback on the camp thing and you are so frazzled by it. I get it. We have mostly all been there.

No. It has been like this nearly every day since school ended three weeks ago. It is not just one day. I've bribed, I've talked, I've tried acting relentlessly cheery. We had major issues all through the school year too. I've had more meetings and emails and consults than I know what to do with.

If you have an anxious kid, tell me what I should do. Seriously. I'm not some dumbass - I've read and I've tried. We recently began working with a therapist. And nothing seems to be working. So if you have great suggestions, I'm all for them. If your advice is for me to quit my job, just don't bother. Being poor sure as shit isn't going to help my son.

[Anonymous]

If you start to feel this way more than once a month, move to a lower stress area. DC isn't helping...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you start to feel this way more than once a month, move to a lower stress area. DC isn't helping...

I'm not in DC anymore. It was worse in DC.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a NT tween DD who is putting me over the edge, and a few days ago, I was just walking with my DH and saying, "Do you think we'd be happier if we had not had kids?" And he set me straight.

And btw my DH pissed me off about a month ago when we were reluctant to do a very guy-type thing (walking battlefields in horrible weather) and later he said he regretted not having a son who would want to do these things with him. And I set him straight.

What "setting straight" means here is not only reminding us how good we have it vs. the rest of the world, but also pointing out that the thing you wish for (DINC lifestyle, a son, or, in your case, MBA)--seems to ALWAYS be the most fantastic picture.

So I'm imagining the DINC lifestyle as sitting around in some exotic location, with coffee and oj, looking at some view….DH pointed out that often high-powered DINCs end up not with much more time together, but focusing all that time that would be devoted to kids to their career.

I pointed out to my DH that if we'd had a son, he very easily could be more interested in my clothes closet than in DH's battlefields. There's no guarantee he'd be some amazing military history progeny.

And for your situation, it sounds very hard and I am not trying to take anything away from that. I just want to point out that you don't know if your life would be so fantastic if you had continued on your MBA route. It might have been horrible and lonely, and you'd be writing a thread on DCUM wishing you got married and had kids instead…and of course in your mind, that marriage would be great and the kids would be NT! Because who imagines SN kids in their future? Who imagines any of the crappy part about kids when deciding to have kids?

[Anonymous]

Is your son on medication? Does it need to be adjusted? Would hiring a summer nanny be a better solution than camp? It would allow your son to be home and the nanny and he could plan the day according to what he feels up to doing.

Just a couple of thoughts...

[Anonymous]

OP, I know having an SN kid is frustrating. Take this from a fellow mom of ADHD kid:

1. I actually did manage to finish my MBA; DS was 6 months old and I was studying like crazy.

2. Did it get me a high-paying job? Sure. Was it completely burned out by the time DS was 5? You bet.

3. Get therapy. For yourself.

[Anonymous]

Another thing, OP. It's OK to tell your friends "yo, people, I am way over my head. Please help." What really saved me was that once a month one of my girlfriends would set a date for us. Nothing huge, coffee, a run on the National Mall, later on - dance or karaoke nights. Once a month, a day just for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your son on medication? Does it need to be adjusted? Would hiring a summer nanny be a better solution than camp? It would allow your son to be home and the nanny and he could plan the day according to what he feels up to doing.

Just a couple of thoughts...

I tried hiring a summer nanny but they all wanted more than the $200/week we are paying for camp and I am not made of money and can't do that.

Yes, he is on medication and we have reached out to his pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

Op if you took the step of posting here you are admitting you need help. What are you going to take away from this?

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm Unmarried and have a good career and no kids. It's kinda lonely. The grass is always greener. Though I do think parenting looks very tiring - I don't think I have the energy....

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I've had days like that. All I can say is, where you are at mentally right now is not a good place, and clearly you are not going to get any work done today, so take the rest of the day off and go for a walk, get some exercise, or do something that actually sounds enjoyable to you - maybe its shopping, or reading a book...watching a movie. Just take a mental health day. Clearly you need it. If you need tomorrow off too, then go ahead and take it.

Will that change how things are? No - but it will help you clear your mind and get off the ledge. You need to take care of you. I get everyone telling you to see a therapist - and I agree, but until then you need to take a break for yourself. Do it and don't feel guilty. And I think getting all this off our chest is really important. Maybe its not even to a therapist - maybe its too a friend, or family. Sometimes we need to say it all out loud and have a good cry.

And if you need the extra help from your husband, ask for that too. He sounds like a good guy and I think he'll understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op if you took the step of posting here you are admitting you need help. What are you going to take away from this?

What is this? Are you my mom? Or my teacher? Jeez.

I already said I have:

1. Consulted my son's pediatrician about adjusting his medications
2. Reached out to my son's therapist with an update and to request a referral to a therapist for me

And I get that I am not alone in this.

What other big lesson are you expecting me to report to you here? What am I getting an inquisition here? Do you think this is helpful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I've had days like that. All I can say is, where you are at mentally right now is not a good place, and clearly you are not going to get any work done today, so take the rest of the day off and go for a walk, get some exercise, or do something that actually sounds enjoyable to you - maybe its shopping, or reading a book...watching a movie. Just take a mental health day. Clearly you need it. If you need tomorrow off too, then go ahead and take it.

Will that change how things are? No - but it will help you clear your mind and get off the ledge. You need to take care of you. I get everyone telling you to see a therapist - and I agree, but until then you need to take a break for yourself. Do it and don't feel guilty. And I think getting all this off our chest is really important. Maybe its not even to a therapist - maybe its too a friend, or family. Sometimes we need to say it all out loud and have a good cry.

And if you need the extra help from your husband, ask for that too. He sounds like a good guy and I think he'll understand.

I'm saying it "out loud" here now. And that is helpful.

[Anonymous]

I think its time for the anti anxiety medication for him. If it was you, with this level of anxiety, you would have to. And DO NOT feel bad about it. It is a question of managing your life. I could not manage what you are dealing with right now. I can not manage my SN three year old and I have often had these same thoughts. Parents of NT kids really truly have no idea how horrifically hard and isolating it is. It is LONELY. And you NEED to join a support group and think about SN school, and social skills groups. Your kid has more serious needs than are simply conveyed by "anxiety" and you need to fight to have them treated as such. You don't have time not to join a support group and get him ins ocial skills and readiness training. What kinds of OT is he doing? You need to do as MUCH as possible. You can get services but you need to jump through the right hoops. Think of it as sinking down an investment to make your life more manageable in terms of time. You need a serious time outlay. Take your vacation this year to get this set up. Fun family time is not possible for right now so put that on the back burner. Some things I would recommend off the top of the bat:

1. child behavioral psychologist - visits and anxiety medication.
2. a support group for parents of SN kids. They don't need to have the same issues as your kids. I would think ASD parents would understand the isolation etc. Find one you can take your kid to and hold him if need be. You need some friends or some people who get it to talk to.
3. OT and social skills classes for your kids. Again, take time to get this set up through the state. Contact child find and tell them what you need.
4. a parenting therapist for you. I see one. Make a list of what you need help with specifically, i.e., drop off. Come up with a plan. See if it works. Change it up if no. tell her about your feelings. get some medication.
5. a hobby. I hear you, no time. But, after bed maybe. A book club. A baking thing. something.
6. a gratitude journal. It helps.