Should I tell?

[Anonymous]

1. The guy asked you so yes you should tell. Without him asking you directly I would have said I'm not sure but this way: yes.
2. Yes I would confront them. You can be polite about it but keep in mind you will have to deal with these people for a LONG time...do you really want to live this farce for the rest of their lives? If yes then fine. If you don't want to live like that forever then get it out sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op don't say anything. It's not your place. I do think it's sad you married into this type of family and that you allow them around your children. Honestly I would have zero to do with them as I can see myself cursing them out over their stupidity. I'm sure they smile in your face all while calling you the N word behind your back.

OP here: I think you've gone a bit far here. I am pretty confident that DH's family does not use the N-word. They are racially ignorant and definitely behind the times, but not hateful. I am not sad I married into the family because DH is worth it. The easy thing to do for my ego would be to take an unyielding stand and split the family up, but family is all we have in this world. I am not going to cut off the parents who raised the man I love and break both their hearts and his in the process unless I really have to. If they do not learn to bite their tongue before my children are old enough to understand, then they will be getting their walking papers. For now, I am willing to work with them, as annoying as that is.

Well which is it Op, are they are racist or not? Based upon your initial post you said they are not accepting of minorities unless they are rich, because they feel they are too good. Why are you flip flopping, unless this is actually a troll post?

The grandparents should already be biting their tongue around your kids. If they are still saying stupid racist stuff around your kids then you are truly failing your kids and inviting them to grow up with a host of self hatred issues. I understand you love your DH, but how about a little self love first by not entertaining people who can't stand your skin ton and accept you only because you bring $$$ to the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op don't say anything. It's not your place. I do think it's sad you married into this type of family and that you allow them around your children. Honestly I would have zero to do with them as I can see myself cursing them out over their stupidity. I'm sure they smile in your face all while calling you the N word behind your back.

OP here: I think you've gone a bit far here. I am pretty confident that DH's family does not use the N-word. They are racially ignorant and definitely behind the times, but not hateful. I am not sad I married into the family because DH is worth it. The easy thing to do for my ego would be to take an unyielding stand and split the family up, but family is all we have in this world. I am not going to cut off the parents who raised the man I love and break both their hearts and his in the process unless I really have to. If they do not learn to bite their tongue before my children are old enough to understand, then they will be getting their walking papers. For now, I am willing to work with them, as annoying as that is.

Well which is it Op, are they are racist or not? Based upon your initial post you said they are not accepting of minorities unless they are rich, because they feel they are too good. Why are you flip flopping, unless this is actually a troll post?

The grandparents should already be biting their tongue around your kids. If they are still saying stupid racist stuff around your kids then you are truly failing your kids and inviting them to grow up with a host of self hatred issues. I understand you love your DH, but how about a little self love first by not entertaining people who can't stand your skin ton and accept you only because you bring $$$ to the table.

OP here: Is it really so hard to understand that people can hold racist attitudes without dropping the N word every ten seconds and burning crosses on people's lawns? They hold negative views of other races based on nothing more than race, but aren't rabid, virulent bigots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op don't say anything. It's not your place. I do think it's sad you married into this type of family and that you allow them around your children. Honestly I would have zero to do with them as I can see myself cursing them out over their stupidity. I'm sure they smile in your face all while calling you the N word behind your back.

OP here: I think you've gone a bit far here. I am pretty confident that DH's family does not use the N-word. They are racially ignorant and definitely behind the times, but not hateful. I am not sad I married into the family because DH is worth it. The easy thing to do for my ego would be to take an unyielding stand and split the family up, but family is all we have in this world. I am not going to cut off the parents who raised the man I love and break both their hearts and his in the process unless I really have to. If they do not learn to bite their tongue before my children are old enough to understand, then they will be getting their walking papers. For now, I am willing to work with them, as annoying as that is.

Well which is it Op, are they are racist or not? Based upon your initial post you said they are not accepting of minorities unless they are rich, because they feel they are too good. Why are you flip flopping, unless this is actually a troll post?

The grandparents should already be biting their tongue around your kids. If they are still saying stupid racist stuff around your kids then you are truly failing your kids and inviting them to grow up with a host of self hatred issues. I understand you love your DH, but how about a little self love first by not entertaining people who can't stand your skin ton and accept you only because you bring $$$ to the table.

OP here: Is it really so hard to understand that people can hold racist attitudes without dropping the N word every ten seconds and burning crosses on people's lawns? They hold negative views of other races based on nothing more than race, but aren't rabid, virulent bigots.

So basically they are racist. Most racist people aren't burning crosses in people yards. I mean seriously get real. And yes they are bigots. For all your supposed book smarts, you sound very, very dumb.

[Anonymous]

I think you should be honest with him to the extent the ILs seemed only to warm up to you once they learned that you were not what their racist stereotypes said you would be. BF can still break stereotype, but in other ways. Most particularly, he loves your SIL and she loves him and he offers her what prior BF did not, what she wants in the package she wants. If given the opportunity, I'd say something similar to the inlaws. Assume it is not because you are an ivy league doctor that it worked out, but that you are good person who loves your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op don't say anything. It's not your place. I do think it's sad you married into this type of family and that you allow them around your children. Honestly I would have zero to do with them as I can see myself cursing them out over their stupidity. I'm sure they smile in your face all while calling you the N word behind your back.

OP here: I think you've gone a bit far here. I am pretty confident that DH's family does not use the N-word. They are racially ignorant and definitely behind the times, but not hateful. I am not sad I married into the family because DH is worth it. The easy thing to do for my ego would be to take an unyielding stand and split the family up, but family is all we have in this world. I am not going to cut off the parents who raised the man I love and break both their hearts and his in the process unless I really have to. If they do not learn to bite their tongue before my children are old enough to understand, then they will be getting their walking papers. For now, I am willing to work with them, as annoying as that is.

Well which is it Op, are they are racist or not? Based upon your initial post you said they are not accepting of minorities unless they are rich, because they feel they are too good. Why are you flip flopping, unless this is actually a troll post?

The grandparents should already be biting their tongue around your kids. If they are still saying stupid racist stuff around your kids then you are truly failing your kids and inviting them to grow up with a host of self hatred issues. I understand you love your DH, but how about a little self love first by not entertaining people who can't stand your skin ton and accept you only because you bring $$$ to the table.

OP here: Is it really so hard to understand that people can hold racist attitudes without dropping the N word every ten seconds and burning crosses on people's lawns? They hold negative views of other races based on nothing more than race, but aren't rabid, virulent bigots.

So basically they are racist. Most racist people aren't burning crosses in people yards. I mean seriously get real. And yes they are bigots. For all your supposed book smarts, you sound very, very dumb.

But don't worry guys! They are miraculously able to not have these views when it comes to their grandkids. I still can't tell if OP is the issue here or if she and her husband suck for exposing their kids to this.

[Anonymous]

I thank God I don't have a DIL like OP. You are a trouble making hateful snot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thank God I don't have a DIL like OP. You are a trouble making hateful snot.

You must be a racit cunt. The hit dog will holler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thank God I don't have a DIL like OP. You are a trouble making hateful snot.

You must be a racist cunt. The hit dog will holler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op don't say anything. It's not your place. I do think it's sad you married into this type of family and that you allow them around your children. Honestly I would have zero to do with them as I can see myself cursing them out over their stupidity. I'm sure they smile in your face all while calling you the N word behind your back.

OP here: I think you've gone a bit far here. I am pretty confident that DH's family does not use the N-word. They are racially ignorant and definitely behind the times, but not hateful. I am not sad I married into the family because DH is worth it. The easy thing to do for my ego would be to take an unyielding stand and split the family up, but family is all we have in this world. I am not going to cut off the parents who raised the man I love and break both their hearts and his in the process unless I really have to. If they do not learn to bite their tongue before my children are old enough to understand, then they will be getting their walking papers. For now, I am willing to work with them, as annoying as that is.

Well which is it Op, are they are racist or not? Based upon your initial post you said they are not accepting of minorities unless they are rich, because they feel they are too good. Why are you flip flopping, unless this is actually a troll post?

The grandparents should already be biting their tongue around your kids. If they are still saying stupid racist stuff around your kids then you are truly failing your kids and inviting them to grow up with a host of self hatred issues. I understand you love your DH, but how about a little self love first by not entertaining people who can't stand your skin ton and accept you only because you bring $$$ to the table.

OP here: Is it really so hard to understand that people can hold racist attitudes without dropping the N word every ten seconds and burning crosses on people's lawns? They hold negative views of other races based on nothing more than race, but aren't rabid, virulent bigots.

So basically they are racist. Most racist people aren't burning crosses in people yards. I mean seriously get real. And yes they are bigots. For all your supposed book smarts, you sound very, very dumb.

Actually, OP led off by disclosing that they are racist. Are you not able to read?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op don't say anything. It's not your place. I do think it's sad you married into this type of family and that you allow them around your children. Honestly I would have zero to do with them as I can see myself cursing them out over their stupidity. I'm sure they smile in your face all while calling you the N word behind your back.

OP here: I think you've gone a bit far here. I am pretty confident that DH's family does not use the N-word. They are racially ignorant and definitely behind the times, but not hateful. I am not sad I married into the family because DH is worth it. The easy thing to do for my ego would be to take an unyielding stand and split the family up, but family is all we have in this world. I am not going to cut off the parents who raised the man I love and break both their hearts and his in the process unless I really have to. If they do not learn to bite their tongue before my children are old enough to understand, then they will be getting their walking papers. For now, I am willing to work with them, as annoying as that is.

OP, you need to stop! You're overthinking your in laws. I am almost the mirror image of your situation, only DH is the one with the higher degrees and earnings. We are college sweethearts. DH is accomplished, well read, handsome and he adores me. My brother in laws married a latino as well. My FIL not my MIL made all kinds of comments about people of different races, mostly based from a lack of exposure and ignorance. Before my DH and I got married, I asked if his parents would have issues accepting me, his response was that he was his own man and made his own decisions it was up to them how they felt. It never bothered me they made comments here and there. Sometimes people are just prejudiced if not racist. I see them as flawed humans as I am. The accepted our kids right away because they're at awe of their son.

Fast forward 20 years, I get all kinds of compliments for the way our kids is turning out. Academic honors, athletic recognitions, multi-langualism, and kid they consider to gifted in the looks department. The send pictures and letters of accomplishments to distant relative far and wide. My FIL said to more than a decade into our marriage I turned out to be the best of his daughters in-law and he was proud of how his grandchildren were turning out. A staunch conservative, he even voted for Obama as node( I am oversimplifying this) to his grand children.

As a result, my children adores him. He still slips and says stupid thing here and there, sometimes around my children, but my DC's are well traveled and well read and,sophisticated. They understand human frailties, including their grandfather's. But he is also the one who patiently built a tree house with them, who will go for long walks and tell them stories of his youth and help them to connect the past to the present. He adores them and they can feel it. At the end of the day they chose to see him as a glass half full. I don't need to protect my children from him.

OP, you said your in-laws did their best raising your DH, they're loving to him and their grandkids. Obviously they're flawed, but you sound elitist and contradictive. You don't owe it to say anything negative to your SIL's boyfriend about her parents other than they have old fashioned views and it takes time for them to adjust to unexpected changes. Both you and your in-laws have elitist views towards one another. I would get over it for the sake of the kids so their world could expand.

[Anonymous]

Just curious...how many times did you meet them before they found out you were a doctor? I'd think the "what do you do" conversation would have happened fairly quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I'm such a bitch that I'd totally tell the guy. And I'd ask DH to point out his family's racist ways.

Me too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious...how many times did you meet them before they found out you were a doctor? I'd think the "what do you do" conversation would have happened fairly quickly.

OP here. The funny thing is that I told them pretty early on, but they must have thought I was lying or confused. It didn't sink in with them that I really am a doctor until a few months in when DH's mother introduced me as a medical assistant and I corrected her (I am a dermatologist). How she managed to think I am a medical assistant I will never know, but she's actually not the only white person I have met who has mentally "corrected" me into a lower paying job. It seems that people see a black female and somehow "dermatologist" does not compute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: a related question is should I call them on their behavior/views?

They should be called out. They are ignorant, and awful, and have crazy unrealistic expectations for their daughter. Times have changed - doctors aren't marrying secretaries and nurses, let alone call center employees, nearly as much as they are marrying other doctors. Your in laws seem stuck in the distant past. They aren't doing anyone any favors and they need to know that.