Should I tell?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would keep it simple. "In laws Appear to have issues with people of other races. They were pretty brutal towards me before DH and I got married. Here is how I dealt with it"

Him"Well they seem to like you now. How did you get them to change?"

You: "well, I guess they realized they were stuck with me and had to get over it"

What I WOULDNT do is get into anyThing regarding pedigree. While I totally get why you included it here, if you said this stuff IRL it would be obnoxious.

I like this approach. I'd only say something b/c he pointedly asked you why the IL's are jerks. It could come back to bite you though if the relationship ends and word gets out that you clued him in

OP here: My concern about this approach is that it risks giving him false hope. They came around with me because they saw dollar signs (and comments they have made over the years have reinforced this). He is not a rich man and while I find his job respectable and interesting, he is unlikely to make a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure if he asks you why they act they way they do, and you say, 'Take a guess.' That will suffice. Your presence is throwing off his radar.

OP here: I do worry this is the case. This man is banging his head on a brick wall and he takes my presence as a sign that there is hope. SIL just wants someone good looking who will let her stay home to marry and isn't concerned about how this will all turn out for the guy.

You never know. My friend married into a family like this. Her husband said if his parents had issues with her, he had issues with them. He hasn't spoken to them in 5 years. With good reason. They were horrible and toxic (I knew his family before they met). Frankly I'm surprised your Dh wants to keep them in your lives and expose your children to that. Maybe your SIL will be smart and stay with this nice guy and cut her parents off.

OP here: DH adores his parents, but I am actually the one who has wrestled with myself in order to keep them in the picture. They are good parents to DH and are also very loving to their grandchildren. I probably would not be part of the picture in their ideal family photo, but I am a big girl. I can take one for the team so that my husband and kids can have relatives who love them in their lives. They do say a lot of idle, ignorant things and as my kids get older, I know I will need to address this.

The problem with this guy is that he does not have sufficiently "redeeming" traits in their eyes (to make up for his race). So, I suspect they will never come around with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure if he asks you why they act they way they do, and you say, 'Take a guess.' That will suffice. Your presence is throwing off his radar.

OP here: I do worry this is the case. This man is banging his head on a brick wall and he takes my presence as a sign that there is hope. SIL just wants someone good looking who will let her stay home to marry and isn't concerned about how this will all turn out for the guy.

You never know. My friend married into a family like this. Her husband said if his parents had issues with her, he had issues with them. He hasn't spoken to them in 5 years. With good reason. They were horrible and toxic (I knew his family before they met). Frankly I'm surprised your Dh wants to keep them in your lives and expose your children to that. Maybe your SIL will be smart and stay with this nice guy and cut her parents off.

OP here: DH adores his parents, but I am actually the one who has wrestled with myself in order to keep them in the picture. They are good parents to DH and are also very loving to their grandchildren. I probably would not be part of the picture in their ideal family photo, but I am a big girl. I can take one for the team so that my husband and kids can have relatives who love them in their lives. They do say a lot of idle, ignorant things and as my kids get older, I know I will need to address this.

The problem with this guy is that he does not have sufficiently "redeeming" traits in their eyes (to make up for his race). So, I suspect they will never come around with him.

And now I question how bad they are. And how nice your DH is (sure he isn't using you for your money?). If my parents didn't like my spouse because of the color of her skin (they still don't like black people they just like money more) there is no way in hell I would expose my mixed race kids to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, when DH and I started dating, his parents were very unhappy with my race. I am black, DH is white. They were mostly polite to my face, but I could tell from the rude, sometimes shocking questions they asked that they had serious reservations and practically expected me to be a gangbanger or something. And then they found out that I am an ivy league educated doctor with a host of accolades and from a family of rich white collar professionals. DH's family is blue collar and DH is only college educated. He does well, but does not make as much as me. I fell in love with his character. After they realized my "pedigree", they warmed up really quickly. I accepted them and we have been mostly close, though I haven't quite forgotten that I basically had to be twice as good as any woman that DH had previously brought home in order for them to respect me.

Fast forward, DH's sister is a short, plump woman of very average looks. She works a low paying deadend job and is waiting to get married so that she can quit working (it's how she was raised). She has been dating a tall, handsome, dark-skinned Hispanic man for 9 months now. He is college educated and polite. DH's family is livid and his parents can't stop talking about how "disappointed" they are. What gets me though is that her ex was a chronically unemployed white guy who was neither handsome nor charming, and they just loved him. They keep talking about how this guy doesn't make enough money and isn't accomplished enough and it just smacks of once again requiring the person of color to be WAY better in order to be half as acceptable. His mother actually said the guy should be a doctor like me in order to be acceptable. Their daughter is neither smart nor attractive nor interesting, and yet she is the equivalent of a very well educated, handsome doctor of color?

Their discontent with this guy keeps coming up and it is starting to really piss me off. Recently, the guy asked me if I might know why my in laws are so frosty towards him. Should I tell?

What did she actually say? What words did she use?

[Anonymous]

You focus on your and the boyfriend's education and looks to demonstrate worth (superiority). WhaWhat if they are looking for someone with kindness, humor, ethics, etc.?

I totally get that they may take issue with race, and that is wrong wrong wrong. But so is judging worth based on looks and education level.

[Anonymous]

The OP seems to be overly involved. She feels that she measures up because she is a doctor and because she has educated, wealthy relatives.

However, she seems to be a little too invested in the lower status of the plain sister-in-law and her educated but not from money boyfriend. Just sayin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You focus on your and the boyfriend's education and looks to demonstrate worth (superiority). WhaWhat if they are looking for someone with kindness, humor, ethics, etc.?

I totally get that they may take issue with race, and that is wrong wrong wrong. But so is judging worth based on looks and education level.

It's OP's parents who made it clear they weren't focused on kindness, humor and ethics. They are concerned he doesn't make enough money.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should tell him, or if you should do, do it in a way that doesn't encourage him to make a break for it. Don't make it all about their bad qualities.

[Anonymous]

i think you should tell him what you have observed since he specifically asked you and since it seems like out of everyone in the situation, the BF stands to be hurt the most by the information you have that he (for some reason) has not picked up on on his own. but be prepared for any fall out that may result (the BF could wind up leaving the sister, it could get back to your DH or his parents what you said about them, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You focus on your and the boyfriend's education and looks to demonstrate worth (superiority). WhaWhat if they are looking for someone with kindness, humor, ethics, etc.?

I totally get that they may take issue with race, and that is wrong wrong wrong. But so is judging worth based on looks and education level.

It's OP's parents who made it clear they weren't focused on kindness, humor and ethics. They are concerned he doesn't make enough money.

Not true. They liked the "chronically unemployed white guy." And nothing in the original post indicates that they cared about looks at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You focus on your and the boyfriend's education and looks to demonstrate worth (superiority). WhaWhat if they are looking for someone with kindness, humor, ethics, etc.?

I totally get that they may take issue with race, and that is wrong wrong wrong. But so is judging worth based on looks and education level.

It's OP's parents who made it clear they weren't focused on kindness, humor and ethics. They are concerned he doesn't make enough money.

Not true. They liked the "chronically unemployed white guy." And nothing in the original post indicates that they cared about looks at all.

He doesn't make enough money to make up for the fact that he's Hispanic. The focus on the guy's qualifications is from the parents, not the Op.

[Anonymous]

OP, my advice is to stay out of it. If you say something to the boyfriend it will only come back to bite you in the ass. Your in laws may be ignorant and/or racist, but they probably won't change. Just try to keep the peace if you intend to keep them in your children's lives.

[Anonymous]

I've already posted several times about my distaste for your attitude OP, but I should answer you question. I see no problem with you telling him facts about what they have said about him. But I would not characterise their statements or put your interpretation on them. Based on what you have written, it seems as though you have made a lot of assumptions and judgements based on one thing you think you know about how they view the world. Leave that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You focus on your and the boyfriend's education and looks to demonstrate worth (superiority). WhaWhat if they are looking for someone with kindness, humor, ethics, etc.?

I totally get that they may take issue with race, and that is wrong wrong wrong. But so is judging worth based on looks and education level.

It's OP's parents who made it clear they weren't focused on kindness, humor and ethics. They are concerned he doesn't make enough money.

Not true. They liked the "chronically unemployed white guy." And nothing in the original post indicates that they cared about looks at all.

He doesn't make enough money to make up for the fact that he's Hispanic. The focus on the guy's qualifications is from the parents, not the Op.

OK, accepting that as true, can we agree that looks have no place in the conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You focus on your and the boyfriend's education and looks to demonstrate worth (superiority). WhaWhat if they are looking for someone with kindness, humor, ethics, etc.?

I totally get that they may take issue with race, and that is wrong wrong wrong. But so is judging worth based on looks and education level.

It's OP's parents who made it clear they weren't focused on kindness, humor and ethics. They are concerned he doesn't make enough money.

Not true. They liked the "chronically unemployed white guy." And nothing in the original post indicates that they cared about looks at all.

He doesn't make enough money to make up for the fact that he's Hispanic. The focus on the guy's qualifications is from the parents, not the Op.

OK, accepting that as true, can we agree that looks have no place in the conversation?

From what I understand the looks come from the sister's requirements, which is why they come into play.