Should I tell?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, when DH and I started dating, his parents were very unhappy with my race. I am black, DH is white. They were mostly polite to my face, but I could tell from the rude, sometimes shocking questions they asked that they had serious reservations and practically expected me to be a gangbanger or something. And then they found out that I am an ivy league educated doctor with a host of accolades and from a family of rich white collar professionals. DH's family is blue collar and DH is only college educated. He does well, but does not make as much as me. I fell in love with his character. After they realized my "pedigree", they warmed up really quickly. I accepted them and we have been mostly close, though I haven't quite forgotten that I basically had to be twice as good as any woman that DH had previously brought home in order for them to respect me.

Fast forward, DH's sister is a short, plump woman of very average looks. She works a low paying deadend job and is waiting to get married so that she can quit working (it's how she was raised). She has been dating a tall, handsome, dark-skinned Hispanic man for 9 months now. He is college educated and polite. DH's family is livid and his parents can't stop talking about how "disappointed" they are. What gets me though is that her ex was a chronically unemployed white guy who was neither handsome nor charming, and they just loved him. They keep talking about how this guy doesn't make enough money and isn't accomplished enough and it just smacks of once again requiring the person of color to be WAY better in order to be half as acceptable. His mother actually said the guy should be a doctor like me in order to be acceptable. Their daughter is neither smart nor attractive nor interesting, and yet she is the equivalent of a very well educated, handsome doctor of color?

Their discontent with this guy keeps coming up and it is starting to really piss me off. Recently, the guy asked me if I might know why my in laws are so frosty towards him. Should I tell?

[Anonymous]

I would.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I'd be inclined to stay out of it. I'm sure he knows how some people can be about race. However given that they 'accept' you, he might be genuinely confused, but still I'd probably stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

OP here: a related question is should I call them on their behavior/views?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: a related question is should I call them on their behavior/views?

Do you and your husband have children? I'd only say something if I needed to make sure my children wouldn't be spoken to or about in an inappropriate way. Otherwise, they are who they are.
I'm more sympathetic to your plight than you know, but I just don't like wasting my breath on people who won't hear me anyway.

[Anonymous]

I was leaning towards no, until you said he pointedly asked. I wouldn't lie, though I would keep it to the facts of what you observed, rather than what you've inferred from those interactions. I wouldn't share your theory about needing to be twice as good. Let him conclude that for himself. I also would keep your opinions of your SIL, and his bride to be, to yourself since they're rather unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: a related question is should I call them on their behavior/views?

Do you and your husband have children? I'd only say something if I needed to make sure my children wouldn't be spoken to or about in an inappropriate way. Otherwise, they are who they are.
I'm more sympathetic to your plight than you know, but I just don't like wasting my breath on people who won't hear me anyway.

OP here: We do have children and I do worry about our children picking up on their racist attitudes. I, too, agree that it is not worth wasting one's breath on ignoramuses (hence why I have not said anything to them all these years). This situation may very well be the straw that breaks the camel's back and part of me does not want to lie for them in response to a direct question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: a related question is should I call them on their behavior/views?

Do you and your husband have children? I'd only say something if I needed to make sure my children wouldn't be spoken to or about in an inappropriate way. Otherwise, they are who they are.
I'm more sympathetic to your plight than you know, but I just don't like wasting my breath on people who won't hear me anyway.

OP here: We do have children and I do worry about our children picking up on their racist attitudes. I, too, agree that it is not worth wasting one's breath on ignoramuses (hence why I have not said anything to them all these years). This situation may very well be the straw that breaks the camel's back and part of me does not want to lie for them in response to a direct question.

I definitely get it. I guess I'm a little surprised he hasn't been able to figure this out himself. Maybe you should give him a hint.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I'm such a bitch that I'd totally tell the guy. And I'd ask DH to point out his family's racist ways.

[Anonymous]

I would keep it simple. "In laws Appear to have issues with people of other races. They were pretty brutal towards me before DH and I got married. Here is how I dealt with it"

Him"Well they seem to like you now. How did you get them to change?"

You: "well, I guess they realized they were stuck with me and had to get over it"

What I WOULDNT do is get into anyThing regarding pedigree. While I totally get why you included it here, if you said this stuff IRL it would be obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Pretty sure if he asks you why they act they way they do, and you say, 'Take a guess.' That will suffice. Your presence is throwing off his radar.

[Anonymous]

I woudl share your experience with them. Frankly, DH's famy sounds trashy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure if he asks you why they act they way they do, and you say, 'Take a guess.' That will suffice. Your presence is throwing off his radar.

OP here: I do worry this is the case. This man is banging his head on a brick wall and he takes my presence as a sign that there is hope. SIL just wants someone good looking who will let her stay home to marry and isn't concerned about how this will all turn out for the guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would keep it simple. "In laws Appear to have issues with people of other races. They were pretty brutal towards me before DH and I got married. Here is how I dealt with it"

Him"Well they seem to like you now. How did you get them to change?"

You: "well, I guess they realized they were stuck with me and had to get over it"

What I WOULDNT do is get into anyThing regarding pedigree. While I totally get why you included it here, if you said this stuff IRL it would be obnoxious.

I like this approach. I'd only say something b/c he pointedly asked you why the IL's are jerks. It could come back to bite you though if the relationship ends and word gets out that you clued him in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure if he asks you why they act they way they do, and you say, 'Take a guess.' That will suffice. Your presence is throwing off his radar.

OP here: I do worry this is the case. This man is banging his head on a brick wall and he takes my presence as a sign that there is hope. SIL just wants someone good looking who will let her stay home to marry and isn't concerned about how this will all turn out for the guy.

You never know. My friend married into a family like this. Her husband said if his parents had issues with her, he had issues with them. He hasn't spoken to them in 5 years. With good reason. They were horrible and toxic (I knew his family before they met). Frankly I'm surprised your Dh wants to keep them in your lives and expose your children to that. Maybe your SIL will be smart and stay with this nice guy and cut her parents off.