Carolyn Hax column: MIL doesn't understand why DIL is upset

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

You sound a lot like my father's mother. I never sought her out, though, because why would I chase someone who never made an effort toward me (not my parents, but me) when I was a child? She also didn't leave anything to my father or me when she died, and it just reinforced my belief that I'm better off not having known someone that petty and spiteful.

I'm sure you'll write me off as one of "those" DILs, but I actually have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. She's always welcome in our home, joins us for lots of family events, sees her grandkids all the time, sometimes we even hang out without my DH or the kids.

I agree. MIL is always welcome, and I make efforts for the children to see her, but she is really only interested in herself, sadly. The one or two times she has babysat, she either watched t.v. and/or read the comics in the newspaper. She would tell DCs: "YOU can't do that puzzle!! (or whatever it was)" instead of sitting down and actually doing something (ANYTHING REALLY) WITH DCs. So, it taught us as a family what kind of mother MIL was; and it brought back a lot of bad memories for DH, that he would have otherwise suppressed. I feel most bad for DH. DCs think MIL is mean and selfish, but that is because that is what she has shown them. DCs don't think favorably of people who do not treat me and DH respectfully, as we (not MIL) are seen by them as the pinnacle of the family - their family. I don't think MIL has the brains to think that far ahead, sadly for her. I think this is common behavior for nasty, depressed MILs who feel that something or someone wronged them (real or imagined) along the way.

I love to see my friends with their nice, kind, generous, happy MILs. It gives me a great role model of how I want to be some day for my DCs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

You sound a lot like my father's mother. I never sought her out, though, because why would I chase someone who never made an effort toward me (not my parents, but me) when I was a child? She also didn't leave anything to my father or me when she died, and it just reinforced my belief that I'm better off not having known someone that petty and spiteful.

I'm sure you'll write me off as one of "those" DILs, but I actually have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. She's always welcome in our home, joins us for lots of family events, sees her grandkids all the time, sometimes we even hang out without my DH or the kids.

My grandmother was like this, too. She was a nasty, mean piece of work who was cruel to my mother (who actually was her daughter, not DIL, but her least favorite of her 3 daughters and 3 sons). She totally was a smarmy suck-up to my handsome dad but treated my mom like dirt. And of her 15 grandchildren, she treated me and my siblings like dirt, too. She had framed pictures of all her children's families except ours; school photos of all of her other grandkids, but not us. We visited her in Florida a handful of times before she died and hated every minute of it. When she died, I didn't shed a tear.

The funny thing is that I'm now close friends with some first cousins who she did favor and their memories are not much better than ours - she was still a nasty, horrible person, but she spoiled them with gifts and attention they didn't want, and she was inflicted on them more. We laugh at her evilness now, and we try to one-up each other with stories about our evil Nanny, the crazy things she'd say, the awful things she did. She is neither mourned nor missed by any of us. Even as little kids we could see what a bad character she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

You sound a lot like my father's mother. I never sought her out, though, because why would I chase someone who never made an effort toward me (not my parents, but me) when I was a child? She also didn't leave anything to my father or me when she died, and it just reinforced my belief that I'm better off not having known someone that petty and spiteful.

I'm sure you'll write me off as one of "those" DILs, but I actually have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. She's always welcome in our home, joins us for lots of family events, sees her grandkids all the time, sometimes we even hang out without my DH or the kids.

My grandmother was like this, too. She was a nasty, mean piece of work who was cruel to my mother (who actually was her daughter, not DIL, but her least favorite of her 3 daughters and 3 sons). She totally was a smarmy suck-up to my handsome dad but treated my mom like dirt. And of her 15 grandchildren, she treated me and my siblings like dirt, too. She had framed pictures of all her children's families except ours; school photos of all of her other grandkids, but not us. We visited her in Florida a handful of times before she died and hated every minute of it. When she died, I didn't shed a tear.

The funny thing is that I'm now close friends with some first cousins who she did favor and their memories are not much better than ours - she was still a nasty, horrible person, but she spoiled them with gifts and attention they didn't want, and she was inflicted on them more. We laugh at her evilness now, and we try to one-up each other with stories about our evil Nanny, the crazy things she'd say, the awful things she did. She is neither mourned nor missed by any of us. Even as little kids we could see what a bad character she was.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, sometimes I'd rather be alone than have my MIL stay for a visit....but bursting out in tears over her coming? That's pretty harsh...

There was no mention of the baby's age but I got the feeling DIL was still in newborn, hormonal, sleep deprived land. She probably wanted to vegetate with her baby, and sleep in spit-up covered clothes for two days! I wanted that when DC was tiny.

And sit around with her top off since the baby was nursing all the time anyway. Not something I'd want to do with my mil around!

Your MIL has never seen boobs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, sometimes I'd rather be alone than have my MIL stay for a visit....but bursting out in tears over her coming? That's pretty harsh...

There was no mention of the baby's age but I got the feeling DIL was still in newborn, hormonal, sleep deprived land. She probably wanted to vegetate with her baby, and sleep in spit-up covered clothes for two days! I wanted that when DC was tiny.

And sit around with her top off since the baby was nursing all the time anyway. Not something I'd want to do with my mil around!

Your MIL has never seen boobs?

Virtually everyone has seen boobs. Do you want to share your boobs with everyone out there who has seen them previously, no matter their role in your life?

[Anonymous]

I think some MILs have SERIOUS jealousy issues. Another recent thread mentioned that ugly women hate not so ugly women, especially young ones! This might explain a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, sometimes I'd rather be alone than have my MIL stay for a visit....but bursting out in tears over her coming? That's pretty harsh...

There was no mention of the baby's age but I got the feeling DIL was still in newborn, hormonal, sleep deprived land. She probably wanted to vegetate with her baby, and sleep in spit-up covered clothes for two days! I wanted that when DC was tiny.

And sit around with her top off since the baby was nursing all the time anyway. Not something I'd want to do with my mil around!

Your MIL has never seen boobs?

Virtually everyone has seen boobs. Do you want to share your boobs with everyone out there who has seen them previously, no matter their role in your life?

It looks like the column that the OP linked was edited. If you read it in the post, she mentions that the child is 16 months old, not a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

You mean, your GRANDCHILDREN? Are these children of your DIL not your son's children, as well?

Why would you be so cruel to punish your grandchildren?

You sound like an immature, mean person who is overcome with hatred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

You have to be a troll. Otherwise, you are completely insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

This peek into your soul fully explains why your DILs want nothing to do with you. You are seriously f'ed up.

I would never dream of bad mouthing my children's other parent, even though he did turn out to be a lying sack of sh@t, because that is bad for the children. I have plenty of reason to be bitter, but THEY don't need to hear anyone badmouth their parent. Why on earth you would want to harm your own descendants is beyond imagining.

You need therapy. Your DILs are lucky you have absented yourself from their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

This peek into your soul fully explains why your DILs want nothing to do with you. You are seriously f'ed up.

I would never dream of bad mouthing my children's other parent, even though he did turn out to be a lying sack of sh@t, because that is bad for the children. I have plenty of reason to be bitter, but THEY don't need to hear anyone badmouth their parent. Why on earth you would want to harm your own descendants is beyond imagining.

You need therapy. Your DILs are lucky you have absented yourself from their lives.

+1 No kidding WTH is WRONG with MILs like this? Are they so bitter? A rhetorical question, of course. Your DIL is extremely smart to stay the hell far AWAY, because nothing will ever please you. You DIL is damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't, and she knew this the minute she met you.

Whacko.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, sometimes I'd rather be alone than have my MIL stay for a visit....but bursting out in tears over her coming? That's pretty harsh...

There was no mention of the baby's age but I got the feeling DIL was still in newborn, hormonal, sleep deprived land. She probably wanted to vegetate with her baby, and sleep in spit-up covered clothes for two days! I wanted that when DC was tiny.

And sit around with her top off since the baby was nursing all the time anyway. Not something I'd want to do with my mil around!

Your MIL has never seen boobs?

Not mine. And I plan to keep it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, sometimes I'd rather be alone than have my MIL stay for a visit....but bursting out in tears over her coming? That's pretty harsh...

There was no mention of the baby's age but I got the feeling DIL was still in newborn, hormonal, sleep deprived land. She probably wanted to vegetate with her baby, and sleep in spit-up covered clothes for two days! I wanted that when DC was tiny.

And sit around with her top off since the baby was nursing all the time anyway. Not something I'd want to do with my mil around!

Your MIL has never seen boobs?

That is so beside the point. It does not matter whether or not this MIL is perfectly comfortable seeing her DIL's boobs. What matters is that it makes the DIL feel uncomfortable having her MIL there .
A visit is one thing - and totally reasonable. Inviting yourself to stay at another person's house for a long weekend is just....rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, sometimes I'd rather be alone than have my MIL stay for a visit....but bursting out in tears over her coming? That's pretty harsh...

There was no mention of the baby's age but I got the feeling DIL was still in newborn, hormonal, sleep deprived land. She probably wanted to vegetate with her baby, and sleep in spit-up covered clothes for two days! I wanted that when DC was tiny.

And sit around with her top off since the baby was nursing all the time anyway. Not something I'd want to do with my mil around!

Your MIL has never seen boobs?

Virtually everyone has seen boobs. Do you want to share your boobs with everyone out there who has seen them previously, no matter their role in your life?

LOL!
Girl had heck if a hard time nursing with my oldest newborn and the last thing I was worried was if my MIL saw some new titties.
As she is oft to say , " if I see something I don't recognize, I'll shoot it"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, sometimes I'd rather be alone than have my MIL stay for a visit....but bursting out in tears over her coming? That's pretty harsh...

There was no mention of the baby's age but I got the feeling DIL was still in newborn, hormonal, sleep deprived land. She probably wanted to vegetate with her baby, and sleep in spit-up covered clothes for two days! I wanted that when DC was tiny.

And sit around with her top off since the baby was nursing all the time anyway. Not something I'd want to do with my mil around!

Your MIL has never seen boobs?

That is so beside the point. It does not matter whether or not this MIL is perfectly comfortable seeing her DIL's boobs. What matters is that it makes the DIL feel uncomfortable having her MIL there .
A visit is one thing - and totally reasonable. Inviting yourself to stay at another person's house for a long weekend is just....rude.

NO Sugar - Honey - Iced - Tea
I was not addressing that specific issue was I?