Carolyn Hax column: MIL doesn't understand why DIL is upset

[Anonymous]

I just tried for a minute to put myself in the DILs shoes and thought back to when my youngest was just born and the ILs lived several hours drive away, and DH did have a couple of business trips in those early weeks. I just tried to imagine my MIL showing up unexpected at my door, with my boob hanging out and covered in spit up and too exhausted to have a conversation with just about anyone, and I want to burst into tears at the mere idea of this.

It's harder to put myself in the MILs shoes, but if someone gives a reason they can't do something, whether it's "legit" in my mind or not, you just don't push the issue! Polite excuse or not, you respect a person's wishes in their own home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

Fakety fake post.

Gotta agree.

Actually I'm pretty sure she's responded to one of my posts too. If she's a troll at least it's consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just tried for a minute to put myself in the DILs shoes and thought back to when my youngest was just born and the ILs lived several hours drive away, and DH did have a couple of business trips in those early weeks. I just tried to imagine my MIL showing up unexpected at my door, with my boob hanging out and covered in spit up and too exhausted to have a conversation with just about anyone, and I want to burst into tears at the mere idea of this.

It's harder to put myself in the MILs shoes, but if someone gives a reason they can't do something, whether it's "legit" in my mind or not, you just don't push the issue! Polite excuse or not, you respect a person's wishes in their own home!

+1

During that newborn & infant stage, I would have killed for a weekend in yoga pants with naps, takeout food and Netflix, all by my lonesome. If MIL had showed up for "girl time" I would have burst into tears, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just tried for a minute to put myself in the DILs shoes and thought back to when my youngest was just born and the ILs lived several hours drive away, and DH did have a couple of business trips in those early weeks. I just tried to imagine my MIL showing up unexpected at my door, with my boob hanging out and covered in spit up and too exhausted to have a conversation with just about anyone, and I want to burst into tears at the mere idea of this.

It's harder to put myself in the MILs shoes, but if someone gives a reason they can't do something, whether it's "legit" in my mind or not, you just don't push the issue! Polite excuse or not, you respect a person's wishes in their own home!

+1

During that newborn & infant stage, I would have killed for a weekend in yoga pants with naps, takeout food and Netflix, all by my lonesome. If MIL had showed up for "girl time" I would have burst into tears, too.

+2 My second is 10 months old so I understand too since we're not too far out from those days. With our first, we did host MIL and FIL two days (yes, days) after we came home from the hospital. They were a 9-hour car ride away at the time. It was pretty bad since we were in the thick of it with a baby who just would not nurse so I spent much of it hooked up pumping since I was trying to be nice and allow them to visit with DD so didn't want to take her away too much to try to get nursing to work. It was a tough visit. Lesson learned for our second this past summer when we set some boundaries and said they would have to wait at least a few weeks to visit (now live across the country from them because of work). If they had showed up for a surprise visit any earlier, I would have cried too!

[Anonymous]

That letter brought back to many memories. My out-of-state inlaws visited far too often for the first year of my firstborn's life. I was too green as a person and as a mom to be able to vocalize that it was too much. I actually do love my in-laws, and I appreciated their need to spend time with the baby, but I just wasn't wise enough at the time to put into words that I needed space, that I needed less time with a full house, that I needed time to establish myself as a mom vs. as a daughter-in-law, daughter or hostess. I had my share of less than stellar behavior in response to the frequent visits and at least one blow-out fight with sweet MIL, who took me to task for not making the trip to visit THEM more. Looking back now it seems all too simple, but that's hindsight for you.

[Anonymous]

The crazy thing is the MIL got what she wanted anyway and is complaining that DIL was distant and cold. Her behavior was tolerated and will probably continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

Uh, the grandkids will never seek you out. Why? Because you are the grandmother who was so nasty to their parents. You are writing your sons out of your will because you don't like their wives? They are not your best friend. All you will do is start WW3 between your own children, all so you can think you'll get "the last laugh". What a dishonorable legacy to leave behind.

[Anonymous]

My ILs made a grand assumption that they would come to stay with us immediately after our twins were born. And then FIL announced that we were going to throw a big party and his entire huge family was invited. I had no idea that he had these plans. I only found out when he told me to plan the big party that I didn't know I was having - with newborn twins. Fortunately, he backed way off when I told him we would not be entertaining houseguests and there would be no party because I was BUSY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The crazy thing is the MIL got what she wanted anyway and is complaining that DIL was distant and cold. Her behavior was tolerated and will probably continue.

I dunno, Carolyn did a good job setting MIL straight!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

Why on earth would these kids ever seek you out after you've played favorites with their cousins for years and years. Most likely they won't want a thing to do with you. Actions have consequences. Play nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just tried for a minute to put myself in the DILs shoes and thought back to when my youngest was just born and the ILs lived several hours drive away, and DH did have a couple of business trips in those early weeks. I just tried to imagine my MIL showing up unexpected at my door, with my boob hanging out and covered in spit up and too exhausted to have a conversation with just about anyone, and I want to burst into tears at the mere idea of this.

It's harder to put myself in the MILs shoes, but if someone gives a reason they can't do something, whether it's "legit" in my mind or not, you just don't push the issue! Polite excuse or not, you respect a person's wishes in their own home!

Or wedding, or birth, or funeral, or whatever event DIL is having.......respect the host and don't be a classless, selfish, pitiful mess like MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That letter brought back to many memories. My out-of-state inlaws visited far too often for the first year of my firstborn's life. I was too green as a person and as a mom to be able to vocalize that it was too much. I actually do love my in-laws, and I appreciated their need to spend time with the baby, but I just wasn't wise enough at the time to put into words that I needed space, that I needed less time with a full house, that I needed time to establish myself as a mom vs. as a daughter-in-law, daughter or hostess. I had my share of less than stellar behavior in response to the frequent visits and at least one blow-out fight with sweet MIL, who took me to task for not making the trip to visit THEM more. Looking back now it seems all too simple, but that's hindsight for you.

I think a lot of nasty, vulgar MILs try to take advantage of DILs young age. Ironically, it is the DILs young age that sets these kinds of MILs off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

It's obvious from your post that you aren't very bright or well spoken...and I'll venture to say not very educated. I'm going to bet that your DILs are much more accomplished and you are terribly threatened by that. Do yourself a favor and invest in yourself...take classes in something that interests you. Devoting yourself to being a professional mother to your adult children is unnecessary, unwelcome and a little bit sad. There are ways to be a member of the family (mother, grandmother, MIL) without needing it to completely define who you are.

+1

BINGO. Plenty of MILs claim to be "busy" in their old age, but having all this time to think about how much you resent your DIL for no real reason proves insanity. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

It's obvious from your post that you aren't very bright or well spoken...and I'll venture to say not very educated. I'm going to bet that your DILs are much more accomplished and you are terribly threatened by that. Do yourself a favor and invest in yourself...take classes in something that interests you. Devoting yourself to being a professional mother to your adult children is unnecessary, unwelcome and a little bit sad. There are ways to be a member of the family (mother, grandmother, MIL) without needing it to completely define who you are.

THIS. To grow old and be so bitter, nasty and glaringly jealous is no way to grow old. Gosh MIL, even your friends see right through your angst about DIL being in the family now. MIL, what are you so afraid of? That your ugly will come to surface? Too late for that, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

You sound a lot like my father's mother. I never sought her out, though, because why would I chase someone who never made an effort toward me (not my parents, but me) when I was a child? She also didn't leave anything to my father or me when she died, and it just reinforced my belief that I'm better off not having known someone that petty and spiteful.

I'm sure you'll write me off as one of "those" DILs, but I actually have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. She's always welcome in our home, joins us for lots of family events, sees her grandkids all the time, sometimes we even hang out without my DH or the kids.