Carolyn Hax column: MIL doesn't understand why DIL is upset

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

Go away. You are pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is more the DIL. She shouldn't have given what were probably fake excuses because the MIL felt they weren't an issue & she could deal with me. Like, "oh no, the spare bedroom is being painted so you'd have to sleep on the couch." MIL thinks, I'm okay with that. "Oh, the baby isn't sleeping through the night, he'd wake you up." Mil thinks, I can't hear anything when I take my hearing aid out so won't bother me. DIL should have said, "No, I am looking forward to having the day to myself & binge watching Netflix."

No. The DIL tossed out societally-appropriate cues that the visit was not wanted. What you suggest would hurt a lot of feelings unnecessarily. If MIL is from this society she should have realized that she was not welcome from what was said (akin to girl responding to date offer with having to wash her hair - everyone part of this culture knows what that means and it's not the girls fault for not saying she'd rather eat needles than go on the date).

Because the indirect, passive approach used did not "hurt a lot of feelings unnecessarily?" You can be polite and still tell people thanks, but no thanks. Honestly, it is probably more polite to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

Go away. You are pathetic.

WOW. MIL, are you seriously wondering why your DILs don't respect you? Seriously? Maybe DIL is on meds because she is trying to cope with the mess you created. Just a wild guess here.

Trust me when I say that the DIL wants nothing, zip, zilch, zero, nada from you. But the way you treat your own blood grandchildren is reprehensible. I trust you hate yourself more than the hate you spew here. Don't think DIL doesn't know that. You are threatened by your DIL; she knows that, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

Fakety fake post.

[Anonymous]

P.S. If my son grows up and calls me his best friend, I will have failed him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

Go away. You are pathetic.

Clearly this has nothing whatsoever to do with the the DIL, and no matter whom DH married, MIL was going to try to spread the hate. DH knows all about this, and could not wait to have a healthy woman, and extraordinary parenting to his children, in his life. MIL is looking for a scapegoat, and DIL is too smart for MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

Fakety fake post.

Sadly, I think my MIL posted this. She thinks we don't know about her terribly misplaced anger, and obviously, is long overdue for professional intervention, her denial be damned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:P.S. If my son grows up and calls me his best friend, I will have failed him.

Ha! I was just thinking that. I have two boys and if they are married thirty-somethings with kids who still think that I am their best friend then something has gone very wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. If my son grows up and calls me his best friend, I will have failed him.

Ha! I was just thinking that. I have two boys and if they are married thirty-somethings with kids who still think that I am their best friend then something has gone very wrong.

Mama's boys are the worst. Most of them never even get married (or they end up divorced)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

Fakety fake post.

Gotta agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The MIL decided to "surprise" her DIL, requiring an 8 HOUR DRIVE?! That lady is crazytown. Poor DIL.

Did you notice that the FIL told MIL he thought they had it all worked out? This woman is manipulative. Her own husband knew that DIL didn't want MIL to be there--to what degree, we don't know, but we can surmise that he at least knew this much--yet she tricked him into believing that DIL changed her mind and MIL was welcome. We don't know how long he had this assumption, but it went on for at least one whole day, and one entire eight hour drive. If they are traditional people, then MIL duped FIL because she knew that if FIL knew the truth he would keep MIL from going, and she wanted her way.

I hope the DIL and her DH put up very strict boundaries about MIL in the future. Too bad it will probably effect his relationship with his dad, but that's the price they all pay for this crazy, manipulative woman.

+1

I don't think it will impact DH's relationship with FIL, because DIL and DH know that FIL was duped by a self serving, selfish, me-at-any-cost, manipulative MIL. Certainly FIL knows what DIL just learned - that MILs like this lack serious boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

Go away. You are pathetic.

+1

I can't imagine being so bitter. Don't think your own grandchildren don't see it and judge for themselves. That is the "legacy" a woman like this leaves. She gets exactly what she asked for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

It's obvious from your post that you aren't very bright or well spoken...and I'll venture to say not very educated. I'm going to bet that your DILs are much more accomplished and you are terribly threatened by that. Do yourself a favor and invest in yourself...take classes in something that interests you. Devoting yourself to being a professional mother to your adult children is unnecessary, unwelcome and a little bit sad. There are ways to be a member of the family (mother, grandmother, MIL) without needing it to completely define who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing that the MIL was so clueless. Clueless to the point of needing to write to Carolyn Hax to ask "what did I do wrong?" Really? It is so hard to imagine adults who are so lacking in self-awareness.

Especially when she writes that her DIL told her "in no uncertain terms" not to come. But then you are wondering why she's upset you came? This letter just doesn't ring true to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day !

you f-ing suck.