Reply to Carolyn Hax column: MIL doesn't understand why DIL is upset

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a MIL multiple times, I can say this as fact, no matter what, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so it's best to don't because the snotty rude bitches called DIL will hold a grudge.

It's best not to form ties with those she devils. Be polite and when they do ask for help just say no. I give my daughter and her kids all the attention now and mail the other kids a gift. I seriously bend over backwards for my daughter and have a very tight relationship with her kids. I make it happen. I tell my son in law I love him like he's my own. I treat him like a King, ALL for my daughter. I make their lives easy. As easy as possible.

I'll go so far as to say I love them more than the other ones. It didn't have to be this way but it is.

When the DIL's kids get older and seek me out, I will tell them why their mother was on medication and how rude she treated Grandma. I will also explain to each one in a letter why we didn't leave them anything when we passed and how their mother helped in that decision. My sons will see my daughter and her kids get the spoils we worked for. The boys can thank their wives for that. DILs ? You think you keep your husbands away but you are wrong. They call when you aren't around. And boy do your husbands bad mouth you. Mom will always be HIS best friend. HA HA.

Actions have consequences. So go ahead and laugh, go ahead and be nasty, go ahead and play alpha bitch. We MILs will have OUR day ! [/quote]

You sound a lot like my father's mother. I never sought her out, though, because [b]why would I chase someone who never made an effort toward me (not my parents, but me) when I was a child?[/b] She also didn't leave anything to my father or me when she died, and it just reinforced my belief that I'm better off not having known someone that petty and spiteful.

I'm sure you'll write me off as one of "those" DILs, but I actually have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. She's always welcome in our home, joins us for lots of family events, sees her grandkids all the time, sometimes we even hang out without my DH or the kids.[/quote]

I agree.  MIL is always welcome, and I make efforts for the children to see her, but she is really only interested in herself, sadly.  The one or two times she has babysat, she either watched t.v. and/or read the comics in the newspaper.  She would tell DCs: "YOU can't do that puzzle!! (or whatever it was)"  instead of sitting down and actually doing something (ANYTHING REALLY) WITH DCs.  So, it taught us as a family what kind of mother MIL was; and it brought back a lot of bad memories for DH, that he would have otherwise suppressed.  I feel most bad for DH.  DCs think MIL is mean and selfish, but that is because that is what she has shown them.  DCs don't think favorably of people who do not treat me and DH respectfully, as we (not MIL) are seen by them as the pinnacle of the family - their family.  I don't think MIL has the brains to think that far ahead, sadly for her. I think this is common behavior for nasty, depressed MILs who feel that something or someone wronged them (real or imagined) along the way.

I love to see my friends with their nice, kind, generous, happy MILs.  It gives me a great role model of how I want to be some day for my DCs.

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