Punishing your child by not letting them a birthday party last minute

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my kid acts out why should I do him this favor and drive him to a party where he gets to eat cake and play?

The natural consequence is that if you act like an a-hole, I'm not going to be doing favors for you.

Amen

But what about the favor to the birthday kid? You are being selfish and showing your kid that the world revolves around him. Seriously I wonder whether people who do this have a lot of friends. I have a ton of friends and so do my kids and I would never use another child or family's event as leverage. That's not how we treat friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my kid acts out why should I do him this favor and drive him to a party where he gets to eat cake and play?

The natural consequence is that if you act like an a-hole, I'm not going to be doing favors for you.

Amen

But what about the favor to the birthday kid? You are being selfish and showing your kid that the world revolves around him. Seriously I wonder whether people who do this have a lot of friends. I have a ton of friends and so do my kids and I would never use another child or family's event as leverage. That's not how we treat friendships.

Actually, I don't see how not allowing a kid attend an event he's excited about due to bad behavior teaches him that the world revolves around him. The birthday boy's mom apparently thinks the world revolves around her own child and his party is the most important event of the year.

I don't think it was polite to do use a party as the punishment, but I don't get the arguments that people are using here.

[Anonymous]

I'm with OP, the mom was rude not to follow through with her commitment. But OP, for real I would never count on 3 kids & parents! You should have invited more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my kid acts out why should I do him this favor and drive him to a party where he gets to eat cake and play?

The natural consequence is that if you act like an a-hole, I'm not going to be doing favors for you.

Amen

But what about the favor to the birthday kid? You are being selfish and showing your kid that the world revolves around him. Seriously I wonder whether people who do this have a lot of friends. I have a ton of friends and so do my kids and I would never use another child or family's event as leverage. That's not how we treat friendships.

Actually, I don't see how not allowing a kid attend an event he's excited about due to bad behavior teaches him that the world revolves around him. The birthday boy's mom apparently thinks the world revolves around her own child and his party is the most important event of the year.

I don't think it was polite to do use a party as the punishment, but I don't get the arguments that people are using here.

Totally agree. My kids and I are big social butterflies and all going to the party teaches is the world revolves around OP's kid.

Don't plan a "party" like this if you any deal with the repercussions of a kid not coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my kid acts out why should I do him this favor and drive him to a party where he gets to eat cake and play?

The natural consequence is that if you act like an a-hole, I'm not going to be doing favors for you.

Amen

But what about the favor to the birthday kid? You are being selfish and showing your kid that the world revolves around him. Seriously I wonder whether people who do this have a lot of friends. I have a ton of friends and so do my kids and I would never use another child or family's event as leverage. That's not how we treat friendships.

Actually, I don't see how not allowing a kid attend an event he's excited about due to bad behavior teaches him that the world revolves around him. The birthday boy's mom apparently thinks the world revolves around her own child and his party is the most important event of the year.

I don't think it was polite to do use a party as the punishment, but I don't get the arguments that people are using here.

Totally agree. My kids and I are big social butterflies and all going to the party teaches is the world revolves around OP's kid.

Don't plan a "party" like this if you any deal with the repercussions of a kid not coming.

Can't not any

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry about this OP. I would be bummed as well and would have a hard time explaining this to my child.

The other mother doesn't sound like bad or rude person but just one that is having some trouble with her child. I would be upset but I would also be sympathetic. She made a mistake by tying his behavior to the party but once she did it seems like she felt she needed to follow despite how it would make your child feel. I'm sure she must feel awful but was motivated by desperation.

How do you know what the other mother feels? Are you a mind reader?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with OP, the mom was rude not to follow through with her commitment. But OP, for real I would never count on 3 kids & parents! You should have invited more.

Exactly. Your fault, OP. If you live and die by these 3 families, they obviously don't feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Is the other mother Joan Crawford?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my kid acts out why should I do him this favor and drive him to a party where he gets to eat cake and play?

The natural consequence is that if you act like an a-hole, I'm not going to be doing favors for you.

Amen

But what about the favor to the birthday kid? You are being selfish and showing your kid that the world revolves around him. Seriously I wonder whether people who do this have a lot of friends. I have a ton of friends and so do my kids and I would never use another child or family's event as leverage. That's not how we treat friendships.

I don't know the other kid. He's not my friend. He is my child's friend.

I'm doing a favor to DC to bring him to his friend. So his friendship his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

How about no cake at party or no party favor, or, which I've seen, go, but make the kid "sit out" for the first x number of minutes, like 5 or 10, depending on the kid's age. I have a friend who used that strategy when we went on a beach vacation together. Instead of punishing everyone by not going to the beach, trouble son had to wait before going in the water. All the other kids were kicking off flip flops, racing to the water, and he had to wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about no cake at party or no party favor, or, which I've seen, go, but make the kid "sit out" for the first x number of minutes, like 5 or 10, depending on the kid's age. I have a friend who used that strategy when we went on a beach vacation together. Instead of punishing everyone by not going to the beach, trouble son had to wait before going in the water. All the other kids were kicking off flip flops, racing to the water, and he had to wait.

I've used this consequence before. It's a good one. Short sweet and to the point. Consequence is over fairly quickly.

[Anonymous]

It was rude of mom to cancel last minute. But sometimes you have to choose between being rude and being a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who punish their children instead of properly disciplining them don't do parenting right anyway. Flame away I don't care. All that child is learning right now is to be extremely sad and resentful towards the parents for not letting him/her go to the party. How about logical and natural consequences for bad behavior instead of parents just showing that they have the power to take away whatever they want from a child...

If your child behaves so badly that you feel the need to take away a birthday party where you are one of three invited and a close friend...maybe you've done something wrong along the way and your way of parenting isn't working very well to begin with...

OK wise parenting one-- tell us how you would have handled this? I do think not attending a birthday party CAN be a natural consequence of bad behavior. I tell my child all the time that only kids who behave can go out to dinner (for example) because kids who run around screaming aren't allowed in restaurants. Likewise, kids who are out of control (or hit other kids or scream etc) are not welcome at birthday parties where they will have to play nicely with other children. However...if I had RSVP'ed to attend a 3 person birthday party, I would not use that as the punishment unless it was really egregious. If it was a 30 person, whole-class party at chuck-e-cheese, I might think differently.

I am going to reply even though you started with a snarky remark...

Taking away a birthday party is NEVER a natural consequence. "Natural consequence" means a consequence that occurs naturally by the childs behavior - not a punishment artificially given to the child. Not attending a birthday party also most likely wasn't even a logical consequence in this case. This would have been logical for example:

1. Child needs to wear sunscreen to the birthday party because it's a pool party and the sun is blazing.
2. Child refuses to wear sunscreen.
3. You say "Okay, don't wear sunscreen - but you can not go to the party then as it requires you wear sunscreen."

That is logical consequence. Not natural. Natural would be:

1. Child needs to wear sunscreen to the birthday party because it's a pool party and the sun is blazing.
2. Child refuses to wear sunscreen.
3. You say "Okay, don't wear sunscreen." Child goes to the party and gets a very bad sunburn. Sunburn = Natural consequence of not wearing sunscreen.

IN OPs CASE:

1. Kid behaves badly at home.
2. Kid goes to party anyway.
3. Kid behaves badly at party.
4. Kid gets to hear how other kids don't want to play because of bad behavior. Kid is sent home early because of bad behavior. THAT is the natural consequence.

IN YOUR CASE:

1. Kid behaves badly at home.
2. Kid goes to restaurant anyway.
3. Kid gets mean stares, bad comments from other customers, eventually the family has to leave. THAT is the natural consequence.

The point of natural consequences is to let children experience by themselves what their behaviors do to other people and in return the consequences it has for them. It means a lot of stepping back and holding back on the parents part.
The point of logical consequences is to intervene as a parent mostly before a natural consequence occurs to actively teach children right from wrong and to teach them consequences that usually aren't as harsh as natural ones would be.

And then there's punishment. That's a whole different story and that's what has happened here.

I can not say what the natural or logical consequence would have been for the child not allowed to go to the party because I do not know what exactly that child even did wrong in the first place...but that child was being punished, not shown natural OR logical consequence.

It depends on the child. One thing may work for your child but not mine. Taking away video games and using that as a token reward system works best but if my child acted up at a restaurant or prior to leaving, he would not be going - simple. I am not ruining another person's mean or wasting our money with an acting up child. If we leave, no, you are not going out in public for a long time again. Or, if my child acted up before a party and could not calm down, then no, he's not going. If he cannot behave at home, I cannot trust him to behave out in public. I would do my best to get him to the party (and its never been an issue for us) but actions have consequences and just someone gossiping about my kids poor behavior isn't going to do it for him. He will not care.

A natural consequence can be not going to a party. If we had to go out to eat with our family and my child severely acted up to the point we had to leave, a very appropriate consequence would be not to go to a party for him. That is very logical. Saying, hey, you act up and you are going to bed 30 minutes early for tonight would not be as effective as a party he looked forward to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to disagree. The mother of the other child did what she felt was right for her child. She is actually disciplining her child. In the future, you can choose to not invite this family to events. This sends a very clear message to the misbehaving child that you are not rewarded for poor behavior. It also sends a message to the birthday child-- children are punished when they misbehave and not rewarded by things like parties.

The birthday child is NOT your child and you have NO business sending ANY kind of a message to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my kid acts out why should I do him this favor and drive him to a party where he gets to eat cake and play?

The natural consequence is that if you act like an a-hole, I'm not going to be doing favors for you.

Amen

But what about the favor to the birthday kid? You are being selfish and showing your kid that the world revolves around him. Seriously I wonder whether people who do this have a lot of friends. I have a ton of friends and so do my kids and I would never use another child or family's event as leverage. That's not how we treat friendships.

Actually, I don't see how not allowing a kid attend an event he's excited about due to bad behavior teaches him that the world revolves around him. The birthday boy's mom apparently thinks the world revolves around her own child and his party is the most important event of the year.

I don't think it was polite to do use a party as the punishment, but I don't get the arguments that people are using here.

+1