Punishing your child by not letting them a birthday party last minute

[Anonymous]

Definitely not the center of my universe or anyone's, but also not put out there as a tool to use in your parenting toolbox. Find some other leverage.

[Anonymous]

But I think your kid's birthday party isn't the center of everyone's universe, and you should accept that.

So expecting people to keep their commitments, absent some truly exigent circumstance, is expecting the event to be "the center of everyone's universe?" If you invite 3 people to a dinner party, and one cancels because they're feeling tired after you brought all the food and did all the planning, you don't think that's impolite?

[Anonymous]

People who punish their children instead of properly disciplining them don't do parenting right anyway. Flame away I don't care. All that child is learning right now is to be extremely sad and resentful towards the parents for not letting him/her go to the party. How about logical and natural consequences for bad behavior instead of parents just showing that they have the power to take away whatever they want from a child...

If your child behaves so badly that you feel the need to take away a birthday party where you are one of three invited and a close friend...maybe you've done something wrong along the way and your way of parenting isn't working very well to begin with...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But I think your kid's birthday party isn't the center of everyone's universe, and you should accept that.

So expecting people to keep their commitments, absent some truly exigent circumstance, is expecting the event to be "the center of everyone's universe?" If you invite 3 people to a dinner party, and one cancels because they're feeling tired after you brought all the food and did all the planning, you don't think that's impolite?

Like I said, I wouldn't make that decision (especially not for kids so young when birthday parties matter so much to them). But I don't think it's fair to assume the other parent was attune to the fact that it was such a small party and that the OP went to such great lengths for it. it's not the best way to handle the situation, but it's also not "horrible".

[Anonymous]

Lazy parenting. It takes thought to come up with logical consequences that don't negatively impact everyone else. She could have thought of another consequence that didn't impact others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who punish their children instead of properly disciplining them don't do parenting right anyway. Flame away I don't care. All that child is learning right now is to be extremely sad and resentful towards the parents for not letting him/her go to the party. How about logical and natural consequences for bad behavior instead of parents just showing that they have the power to take away whatever they want from a child...

If your child behaves so badly that you feel the need to take away a birthday party where you are one of three invited and a close friend...maybe you've done something wrong along the way and your way of parenting isn't working very well to begin with...

OK wise parenting one-- tell us how you would have handled this? I do think not attending a birthday party CAN be a natural consequence of bad behavior. I tell my child all the time that only kids who behave can go out to dinner (for example) because kids who run around screaming aren't allowed in restaurants. Likewise, kids who are out of control (or hit other kids or scream etc) are not welcome at birthday parties where they will have to play nicely with other children. However...if I had RSVP'ed to attend a 3 person birthday party, I would not use that as the punishment unless it was really egregious. If it was a 30 person, whole-class party at chuck-e-cheese, I might think differently.

[Anonymous]

Likewise, kids who are out of control (or hit other kids or scream etc) are not welcome at birthday parties where they will have to play nicely with other children. However...if I had RSVP'ed to attend a 3 person birthday party, I would not use that as the punishment unless it was really egregious. If it was a 30 person, whole-class party at chuck-e-cheese, I might think differently.

If a child is 6 or turning 6 and engaging in the behavior you describe, something is really off that probably can't be fixed by punishment alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But I think your kid's birthday party isn't the center of everyone's universe, and you should accept that.

So expecting people to keep their commitments, absent some truly exigent circumstance, is expecting the event to be "the center of everyone's universe?" If you invite 3 people to a dinner party, and one cancels because they're feeling tired after you brought all the food and did all the planning, you don't think that's impolite?

Like I said, I wouldn't make that decision (especially not for kids so young when birthday parties matter so much to them). But I don't think it's fair to assume the other parent was attune to the fact that it was such a small party and that the OP went to such great lengths for it. it's not the best way to handle the situation, but it's also not "horrible".

OP here. Just to be clear-the invitation made clear that three people were invited and specifically asked that they not discuss the party because it was such a small event. I would not say I went to great lengths. I just planned on this child's attendance and I would have invited someone else had I known that her RSVP was contingent on good behavior the day before the event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But I think your kid's birthday party isn't the center of everyone's universe, and you should accept that.

So expecting people to keep their commitments, absent some truly exigent circumstance, is expecting the event to be "the center of everyone's universe?" If you invite 3 people to a dinner party, and one cancels because they're feeling tired after you brought all the food and did all the planning, you don't think that's impolite?

Like I said, I wouldn't make that decision (especially not for kids so young when birthday parties matter so much to them). But I don't think it's fair to assume the other parent was attune to the fact that it was such a small party and that the OP went to such great lengths for it. it's not the best way to handle the situation, but it's also not "horrible".

OP here. Just to be clear-the invitation made clear that three people were invited and specifically asked that they not discuss the party because it was such a small event. I would not say I went to great lengths. I just planned on this child's attendance and I would have invited someone else had I known that her RSVP was contingent on good behavior the day before the event.

You don't know all the details. Get over it, this isn't the biggest deal in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lazy parenting. It takes thought to come up with logical consequences that don't negatively impact everyone else. She could have thought of another consequence that didn't impact others.

Refusing to let a child attend a birthday party can be a logical consequence of their behavior.

So what now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I would've made the same choice; HOWEVER, I really don't think it's rude or a sign of horrible parenting. I think she disciplined the child by taking away something the child wanted. I guess it depends on what the 6yo did that led to her decision.

But I think your kid's birthday party isn't the center of everyone's universe, and you should accept that.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

When I was in high school, one parent punished their teenager but not allowing her to be in the school play the night before the play was to be performed. That parent punished a lot of innocent kids. But it was a logical consequence of the teen's behavior (she was failing one class and said it was because of all the time the play took up).

[Anonymous]

What if one of the families couldn't come to start with? You made your own bed with the size of the party, OP. I probably wouldn't have done this but I don't see it as that big a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I would've made the same choice; HOWEVER, I really don't think it's rude or a sign of horrible parenting. I think she disciplined the child by taking away something the child wanted. I guess it depends on what the 6yo did that led to her decision.

But I think your kid's birthday party isn't the center of everyone's universe, and you should accept that.

I agree.

I disagree

Your kid's punishment isn't the center of everyone's universe, and you should accept that.

That parent made a commitment to OP. OP child was hurt by that punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would have taken away TV or something and explained that the only reason she was going to the party was because we keep our commitments to friends. What better way to teach your child that the world revolves around them than to make other people's parties about them and their enjoyment? I just don't parent like that at all.

I think for a six year old it is different. Going to your friend's 30th birthday is a commitment. Kid's birthdays are a treat: pizza, cake, fun stuff. If the mother knew it was more of a play date than a big party, yes, she was rude. Otherwise, I totally get taking away the fun event - party - as punishment.