Punishing your child by not letting them a birthday party last minute

[Anonymous]

I think a 6 year old, when behaving very badly or engaging in repeat offenses, can certainly be punished by being kept back from an event like a sports game or a run-of-the-mill play date, or a pizza night the family was planning. All of these things are probably regularly occurring events, and we have taken them away on rare occasion. In our house, we make them up when the child has had time to chill for a day or two.

In THIS particular situation, it seems pretty severe to keep a child from a part where only two other guests are coming. I'd guess that there are two likely situations here:
1. either the kid did something really major, like s/he was having repeatedly violent tantrums and the parent was concerned about this being a problem at the party
2. parent didn't want to bother sending kid and issued punishment for a minor offense just to solve a scheduling or laziness problem.

Either way, see if you can loop in another kid. Or just go on with 3 kids, which is not that different than 4 in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parent of that child is stunningly selfish and self-centered.

OMG, yes. I see the birthday as a social obligation, not something that can be used as a punishment. Taking the gift bag away, sure. But, my goodness, we follow through on our commitments!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in high school, one parent punished their teenager but not allowing her to be in the school play the night before the play was to be performed. That parent punished a lot of innocent kids. But it was a logical consequence of the teen's behavior (she was failing one class and said it was because of all the time the play took up).

Wow, that's nuts. Was there an understudy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sil did something like this with my niece. We were in our hometown for my dd's baptism, and everyone got together for dinner the night before. Niece wasn't allowed to come because of some transgression. We only saw them a few times a year; it seemed like a really inappropriate punishment.

I'm sorry op. I'd be pretty irritated in your shoes too.

Way to go over the top. Sorry that happened, PP.

OP, that person is being rude. I'd be pretty pissed off, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if one of the families couldn't come to start with? You made your own bed with the size of the party, OP. I probably wouldn't have done this but I don't see it as that big a deal.

Obviously I would have asked someone else in that instance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lazy parenting. It takes thought to come up with logical consequences that don't negatively impact everyone else. She could have thought of another consequence that didn't impact others.

That.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But I think your kid's birthday party isn't the center of everyone's universe, and you should accept that.

So expecting people to keep their commitments, absent some truly exigent circumstance, is expecting the event to be "the center of everyone's universe?" If you invite 3 people to a dinner party, and one cancels because they're feeling tired after you brought all the food and did all the planning, you don't think that's impolite?

Like I said, I wouldn't make that decision (especially not for kids so young when birthday parties matter so much to them). But I don't think it's fair to assume the other parent was attune to the fact that it was such a small party and that the OP went to such great lengths for it. it's not the best way to handle the situation, but it's also not "horrible".

OP here. Just to be clear-the invitation made clear that three people were invited and specifically asked that they not discuss the party because it was such a small event. I would not say I went to great lengths. I just planned on this child's attendance and I would have invited someone else had I known that her RSVP was contingent on good behavior the day before the event.

You don't know all the details. Get over it, this isn't the biggest deal in the world.

Def not the biggest deal, but annoying. No, I don't know the details, but they were not making a secret of it. Why not just say she was sick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in high school, one parent punished their teenager but not allowing her to be in the school play the night before the play was to be performed. That parent punished a lot of innocent kids. But it was a logical consequence of the teen's behavior (she was failing one class and said it was because of all the time the play took up).

And that parent realized that the night before the play? What a major d***head.

[Anonymous]

Is a "natural consequence" the only way to punish kids now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would have taken away TV or something and explained that the only reason she was going to the party was because we keep our commitments to friends. What better way to teach your child that the world revolves around them than to make other people's parties about them and their enjoyment? I just don't parent like that at all.

I think for a six year old it is different. Going to your friend's 30th birthday is a commitment. Kid's birthdays are a treat: pizza, cake, fun stuff. If the mother knew it was more of a play date than a big party, yes, she was rude. Otherwise, I totally get taking away the fun event - party - as punishment.

This. Of course for a six year old a birthday party is about their own enjoyment. I wouldn't have pulled my child from the party because not attending a birthday party is such a sin around here, but I totally understand where she was coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in high school, one parent punished their teenager but not allowing her to be in the school play the night before the play was to be performed. That parent punished a lot of innocent kids. But it was a logical consequence of the teen's behavior (she was failing one class and said it was because of all the time the play took up).

And that parent realized that the night before the play? What a major d***head.

PP here - Yeah it was awful. We had to do the play with a girl reading the part that the grounded girl had. It was embarrassing - I do remember that and we all were so sad after weeks of rehearsal and hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in high school, one parent punished their teenager but not allowing her to be in the school play the night before the play was to be performed. That parent punished a lot of innocent kids. But it was a logical consequence of the teen's behavior (she was failing one class and said it was because of all the time the play took up).

And that parent realized that the night before the play? What a major d***head.

PP here - Yeah it was awful. We had to do the play with a girl reading the part that the grounded girl had. It was embarrassing - I do remember that and we all were so sad after weeks of rehearsal and hard work.

What a jerky thing for that parent to do. Unless the girl had landed herself in jail the weekend before, there was just no excuse for that.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine tried to do this with her kids for a mutual friend's birthday party and her husband told her absolutely not and it wasn't fair to the birthday kid or parents who had paid for her kids to go. He was right. That's not cool of this woman, OP, I'm with you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would physically hurt this parent. You are better then me op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine tried to do this with her kids for a mutual friend's birthday party and her husband told her absolutely not and it wasn't fair to the birthday kid or parents who had paid for her kids to go. He was right. That's not cool of this woman, OP, I'm with you.

I agree. The problem with that kind of "natural consequence" is you punish the birthday kid more that the misbehaving kid.