Punishing your child by not letting them a birthday party last minute

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine tried to do this with her kids for a mutual friend's birthday party and her husband told her absolutely not and it wasn't fair to the birthday kid or parents who had paid for her kids to go. He was right. That's not cool of this woman, OP, I'm with you.

I agree. The problem with that kind of "natural consequence" is you punish the birthday kid more that the misbehaving kid.

The other problem is that you make the birthday party about your kid, instead of the birthday kid, feeding into their belief that the world revolves around them. This generation has way too much of that already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A parent of one of the THREE children invited to my child's (6th) party just called to say that due to misbehavior earlier in the weekend, the child would not be coming to the party this afternoon. The invitation made clear that this was a very small party--in fact, it stated exactly who was invited. My child was counting on this child's attendance, I planned by buying favors and little costumes, etc. This would obviously be different if we were hosting a large party where no one would really notice. I think a punishment that affects others like this should be off limits. Also, I am so over birthday parties. I think I am protesting next year.

Mom of older kids here. I absolutely agree that you shouldn't punish other, non-involved kids when punishing your kid. That's a quick way to get your kid no friends, and you no mom-friends, and then will come the inevitable "Why is it so hard for me to make friends with other moms?" thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A parent of one of the THREE children invited to my child's (6th) party just called to say that due to misbehavior earlier in the weekend, the child would not be coming to the party this afternoon. The invitation made clear that this was a very small party--in fact, it stated exactly who was invited. My child was counting on this child's attendance, I planned by buying favors and little costumes, etc. This would obviously be different if we were hosting a large party where no one would really notice. I think a punishment that affects others like this should be off limits. Also, I am so over birthday parties. I think I am protesting next year.

Mom of older kids here. I absolutely agree that you shouldn't punish other, non-involved kids when punishing your kid. That's a quick way to get your kid no friends, and you no mom-friends, and then will come the inevitable "Why is it so hard for me to make friends with other moms?" thread

Thanks. This is OP. This is my youngest child and I totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who punish their children instead of properly disciplining them don't do parenting right anyway. Flame away I don't care. All that child is learning right now is to be extremely sad and resentful towards the parents for not letting him/her go to the party. How about logical and natural consequences for bad behavior instead of parents just showing that they have the power to take away whatever they want from a child...

If your child behaves so badly that you feel the need to take away a birthday party where you are one of three invited and a close friend...maybe you've done something wrong along the way and your way of parenting isn't working very well to begin with...

OK wise parenting one-- tell us how you would have handled this? I do think not attending a birthday party CAN be a natural consequence of bad behavior. I tell my child all the time that only kids who behave can go out to dinner (for example) because kids who run around screaming aren't allowed in restaurants. Likewise, kids who are out of control (or hit other kids or scream etc) are not welcome at birthday parties where they will have to play nicely with other children. However...if I had RSVP'ed to attend a 3 person birthday party, I would not use that as the punishment unless it was really egregious. If it was a 30 person, whole-class party at chuck-e-cheese, I might think differently.

I am going to reply even though you started with a snarky remark...

Taking away a birthday party is NEVER a natural consequence. "Natural consequence" means a consequence that occurs naturally by the childs behavior - not a punishment artificially given to the child. Not attending a birthday party also most likely wasn't even a logical consequence in this case. This would have been logical for example:

1. Child needs to wear sunscreen to the birthday party because it's a pool party and the sun is blazing.
2. Child refuses to wear sunscreen.
3. You say "Okay, don't wear sunscreen - but you can not go to the party then as it requires you wear sunscreen."

That is logical consequence. Not natural. Natural would be:

1. Child needs to wear sunscreen to the birthday party because it's a pool party and the sun is blazing.
2. Child refuses to wear sunscreen.
3. You say "Okay, don't wear sunscreen." Child goes to the party and gets a very bad sunburn. Sunburn = Natural consequence of not wearing sunscreen.

IN OPs CASE:

1. Kid behaves badly at home.
2. Kid goes to party anyway.
3. Kid behaves badly at party.
4. Kid gets to hear how other kids don't want to play because of bad behavior. Kid is sent home early because of bad behavior. THAT is the natural consequence.

IN YOUR CASE:

1. Kid behaves badly at home.
2. Kid goes to restaurant anyway.
3. Kid gets mean stares, bad comments from other customers, eventually the family has to leave. THAT is the natural consequence.

The point of natural consequences is to let children experience by themselves what their behaviors do to other people and in return the consequences it has for them. It means a lot of stepping back and holding back on the parents part.
The point of logical consequences is to intervene as a parent mostly before a natural consequence occurs to actively teach children right from wrong and to teach them consequences that usually aren't as harsh as natural ones would be.

And then there's punishment. That's a whole different story and that's what has happened here.

I can not say what the natural or logical consequence would have been for the child not allowed to go to the party because I do not know what exactly that child even did wrong in the first place...but that child was being punished, not shown natural OR logical consequence.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry about this OP. I would be bummed as well and would have a hard time explaining this to my child.

The other mother doesn't sound like bad or rude person but just one that is having some trouble with her child. I would be upset but I would also be sympathetic. She made a mistake by tying his behavior to the party but once she did it seems like she felt she needed to follow despite how it would make your child feel. I'm sure she must feel awful but was motivated by desperation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry about this OP. I would be bummed as well and would have a hard time explaining this to my child.

The other mother doesn't sound like bad or rude person but just one that is having some trouble with her child. I would be upset but I would also be sympathetic. She made a mistake by tying his behavior to the party but once she did it seems like she felt she needed to follow despite how it would make your child feel. I'm sure she must feel awful but was motivated by desperation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But I think your kid's birthday party isn't the center of everyone's universe, and you should accept that.

So expecting people to keep their commitments, absent some truly exigent circumstance, is expecting the event to be "the center of everyone's universe?" If you invite 3 people to a dinner party, and one cancels because they're feeling tired after you brought all the food and did all the planning, you don't think that's impolite?

Like I said, I wouldn't make that decision (especially not for kids so young when birthday parties matter so much to them). But I don't think it's fair to assume the other parent was attune to the fact that it was such a small party and that the OP went to such great lengths for it. it's not the best way to handle the situation, but it's also not "horrible".

OP here. Just to be clear-the invitation made clear that three people were invited and specifically asked that they not discuss the party because it was such a small event. I would not say I went to great lengths. I just planned on this child's attendance and I would have invited someone else had I known that her RSVP was contingent on good behavior the day before the event.

You don't know all the details. Get over it, this isn't the biggest deal in the world.

Def not the biggest deal, but annoying. No, I don't know the details, but they were not making a secret of it. Why not just say she was sick?

Perhaps she didn't realize it was a federal offense.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my child's birthday. She let son attend, but not daughter. So there ended up being only one girl attending because 1 was being punished, 1 was out of town and 1 could come. I thought it was selfish of the mom, but what can you do? I did ask and tell the mom the situation but she refused to budge. There were several boys attending, but I felt sorry for the one girl attending.

[Anonymous]

What I don't understand is why a kid (bday kid) would be so disappointed. Does the kid really care or does the parent care? My DH doesn't seem to care about these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who punish their children instead of properly disciplining them don't do parenting right anyway. Flame away I don't care. All that child is learning right now is to be extremely sad and resentful towards the parents for not letting him/her go to the party. How about logical and natural consequences for bad behavior instead of parents just showing that they have the power to take away whatever they want from a child...

If your child behaves so badly that you feel the need to take away a birthday party where you are one of three invited and a close friend...maybe you've done something wrong along the way and your way of parenting isn't working very well to begin with...

OK wise parenting one-- tell us how you would have handled this? I do think not attending a birthday party CAN be a natural consequence of bad behavior. I tell my child all the time that only kids who behave can go out to dinner (for example) because kids who run around screaming aren't allowed in restaurants. Likewise, kids who are out of control (or hit other kids or scream etc) are not welcome at birthday parties where they will have to play nicely with other children. However...if I had RSVP'ed to attend a 3 person birthday party, I would not use that as the punishment unless it was really egregious. If it was a 30 person, whole-class party at chuck-e-cheese, I might think differently.

I am going to reply even though you started with a snarky remark...

Taking away a birthday party is NEVER a natural consequence. "Natural consequence" means a consequence that occurs naturally by the childs behavior - not a punishment artificially given to the child. Not attending a birthday party also most likely wasn't even a logical consequence in this case. This would have been logical for example:

1. Child needs to wear sunscreen to the birthday party because it's a pool party and the sun is blazing.
2. Child refuses to wear sunscreen.
3. You say "Okay, don't wear sunscreen - but you can not go to the party then as it requires you wear sunscreen."

That is logical consequence. Not natural. Natural would be:

1. Child needs to wear sunscreen to the birthday party because it's a pool party and the sun is blazing.
2. Child refuses to wear sunscreen.
3. You say "Okay, don't wear sunscreen." Child goes to the party and gets a very bad sunburn. Sunburn = Natural consequence of not wearing sunscreen.

IN OPs CASE:

1. Kid behaves badly at home.
2. Kid goes to party anyway.
3. Kid behaves badly at party.
4. Kid gets to hear how other kids don't want to play because of bad behavior. Kid is sent home early because of bad behavior. THAT is the natural consequence.

IN YOUR CASE:

1. Kid behaves badly at home.
2. Kid goes to restaurant anyway.
3. Kid gets mean stares, bad comments from other customers, eventually the family has to leave. THAT is the natural consequence.

The point of natural consequences is to let children experience by themselves what their behaviors do to other people and in return the consequences it has for them. It means a lot of stepping back and holding back on the parents part.
The point of logical consequences is to intervene as a parent mostly before a natural consequence occurs to actively teach children right from wrong and to teach them consequences that usually aren't as harsh as natural ones would be.

And then there's punishment. That's a whole different story and that's what has happened here.

I can not say what the natural or logical consequence would have been for the child not allowed to go to the party because I do not know what exactly that child even did wrong in the first place...but that child was being punished, not shown natural OR logical consequence.

Gotta say, with zero sarcasm, this is one of the best comments I've ever seen on dcum. So precise and explanatory!

[Anonymous]

Sometimes there are teachable moments when you can't cave in. Then you would be sending a wrong message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who punish their children instead of properly disciplining them don't do parenting right anyway. Flame away I don't care. All that child is learning right now is to be extremely sad and resentful towards the parents for not letting him/her go to the party. How about logical and natural consequences for bad behavior instead of parents just showing that they have the power to take away whatever they want from a child...

If your child behaves so badly that you feel the need to take away a birthday party where you are one of three invited and a close friend...maybe you've done something wrong along the way and your way of parenting isn't working very well to begin with...

OK wise parenting one-- tell us how you would have handled this? I do think not attending a birthday party CAN be a natural consequence of bad behavior. I tell my child all the time that only kids who behave can go out to dinner (for example) because kids who run around screaming aren't allowed in restaurants. Likewise, kids who are out of control (or hit other kids or scream etc) are not welcome at birthday parties where they will have to play nicely with other children. However...if I had RSVP'ed to attend a 3 person birthday party, I would not use that as the punishment unless it was really egregious. If it was a 30 person, whole-class party at chuck-e-cheese, I might think differently.

I am going to reply even though you started with a snarky remark...

Taking away a birthday party is NEVER a natural consequence. "Natural consequence" means a consequence that occurs naturally by the childs behavior - not a punishment artificially given to the child. Not attending a birthday party also most likely wasn't even a logical consequence in this case. This would have been logical for example:

1. Child needs to wear sunscreen to the birthday party because it's a pool party and the sun is blazing.
2. Child refuses to wear sunscreen.
3. You say "Okay, don't wear sunscreen - but you can not go to the party then as it requires you wear sunscreen."

That is logical consequence. Not natural. Natural would be:

1. Child needs to wear sunscreen to the birthday party because it's a pool party and the sun is blazing.
2. Child refuses to wear sunscreen.
3. You say "Okay, don't wear sunscreen." Child goes to the party and gets a very bad sunburn. Sunburn = Natural consequence of not wearing sunscreen.

IN OPs CASE:

1. Kid behaves badly at home.
2. Kid goes to party anyway.
3. Kid behaves badly at party.
4. Kid gets to hear how other kids don't want to play because of bad behavior. Kid is sent home early because of bad behavior. THAT is the natural consequence.

IN YOUR CASE:

1. Kid behaves badly at home.
2. Kid goes to restaurant anyway.
3. Kid gets mean stares, bad comments from other customers, eventually the family has to leave. THAT is the natural consequence.

The point of natural consequences is to let children experience by themselves what their behaviors do to other people and in return the consequences it has for them. It means a lot of stepping back and holding back on the parents part.
The point of logical consequences is to intervene as a parent mostly before a natural consequence occurs to actively teach children right from wrong and to teach them consequences that usually aren't as harsh as natural ones would be.

And then there's punishment. That's a whole different story and that's what has happened here.

I can not say what the natural or logical consequence would have been for the child not allowed to go to the party because I do not know what exactly that child even did wrong in the first place...but that child was being punished, not shown natural OR logical consequence.

Gotta say, with zero sarcasm, this is one of the best comments I've ever seen on dcum. So precise and explanatory!

Except that the "natural" consequence of leaving the restaurant due to bad behavior punishes the whole family more than the kid. Maybe kid didn't want to be there and that's why he was acting up--they leave, he wins.

It's not always so cut and dry.

[Anonymous]

If my kid acts out why should I do him this favor and drive him to a party where he gets to eat cake and play?

The natural consequence is that if you act like an a-hole, I'm not going to be doing favors for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my kid acts out why should I do him this favor and drive him to a party where he gets to eat cake and play?

The natural consequence is that if you act like an a-hole, I'm not going to be doing favors for you.

Amen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my kid acts out why should I do him this favor and drive him to a party where he gets to eat cake and play?

The natural consequence is that if you act like an a-hole, I'm not going to be doing favors for you.

So maybe don't do another favor that doesn't affect a child and his family.