Reply to Lack of trust after sexual assault

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]It's not OP's fault. It's not OP's husband's fault. It's the rapist's fault. Why blame OP or her husband? [/quote]

no one is blaming the husband for the rape or the initial trauma. many of us are questioning the husband's lack of support and ongoing issues.

put another, if the OP had cancer, it would not be the husband's fault. But if the husband started blaming and questioning OP (what might she have done to have brought cancer on) rather than helping her heal, if the OP's husband was all about how her cancer was affecting him, I think we could agree he was an ass and that OP might be better off without him. [/quote]

Not sure how great the metaphor is, but I'll run with it. If the husband had been nagging the wife for years that she should stop smoking, then she gets lung cancer, I can see where he'd be a little self-centered and pissed when the cancer treatments bankrupt the family -- even though nobody, not even smokers, deserves cancer. [/quote]

This is OP.  I understand that my husband is hurt and angry.  I'm not trying to say that he shouldn't be.  And I'm trying very very hard not to judge him for feeling that anger and hurt.  I simply am asking for the same effort from him - to try not to judge me and to not articulate that he has "trust issues" with me to me - because that is not helping me heal.  It's actually doing the exact opposite.  So if it were lung cancer - same thing.  I would just say to him - let's enjoy this time together I love you and then I would want him to say ok yes i was angry but I'm going to let go of that now so I can just love you as we go through this difficult time together.  Life is short, you know? I need to love myself - I need to be in a place where I can do that on my own, regardless if where he or the rest of the world is on this issue.  So I'm working on that.  Would be great to hear from him those words, though.[/quote]

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