I slept with another man and am consumed with guilt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow if this was a man who was the OP the responses would be SO DIFFERENT. Interesting.

-Signed a Married Woman

No. I don't think the advice (or at least MY advice) would be so different of Op was a guy. It is interesting how no one has asked whether or not Op's husband has "let himself go" or not. If Op was a guy someone would have asked if his wife "had let herself go" and if that was why he had cheated by the 2nd or 3rd post....

Oh and don't forget they would ask if the OPs wife was screwing him enough and if the answer was once a week or less, the posters would declare that he was driven to cheat and that the wife deserved it.

Ha. True. No one has asked the Op if her husband is frigid (or whatever the male equivalent of frigid is) and whether or not he denies her sex.

Clearly the blame for this "encounter" has to fall squarely on the shoulders of a poor guy who wasn't even there when it happened. It's the DCUM way.

Or more likely, DH needed "to step up his game" but hadn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to take care of your alcohol problem. Find a therapist as soon as you get home.

Yes, OP, I think you should review whether you have a problem with drinking generally that gets you into trouble or if this a one-time mistake.

PP here who said don't tell spouse.

I had this thought too. I admit I'm not a drinker, so the idea of a grown woman getting s**t-faced with a colleague seems inappropriate to me.. Regardless, if OP regularly gets terribly drunk then she needs to get some help. And I also agree that being drunk isn't an excuse - it doesn't sound like OP was in a blackout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow if this was a man who was the OP the responses would be SO DIFFERENT. Interesting.

-Signed a Married Woman

No. I don't think the advice (or at least MY advice) would be so different of Op was a guy. It is interesting how no one has asked whether or not Op's husband has "let himself go" or not. If Op was a guy someone would have asked if his wife "had let herself go" and if that was why he had cheated by the 2nd or 3rd post....

Oh and don't forget they would ask if the OPs wife was screwing him enough and if the answer was once a week or less, the posters would declare that he was driven to cheat and that the wife deserved it.

Exactly. And no one is telling OP that of course she cheated- he was denying her emotional/sexual fulfillment and it's too much for a person to bear. That seems to be the general MO for affairs on DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to take care of your alcohol problem. Find a therapist as soon as you get home.

Yes, OP, I think you should review whether you have a problem with drinking generally that gets you into trouble or if this a one-time mistake.

PP here who said don't tell spouse.

I had this thought too. I admit I'm not a drinker, so the idea of a grown woman getting s**t-faced with a colleague seems inappropriate to me.. Regardless, if OP regularly gets terribly drunk then she needs to get some help. And I also agree that being drunk isn't an excuse - it doesn't sound like OP was in a blackout.

drinker does not equal cheater.

[Anonymous]

Shame on all of you she deserves punishment and her husband is the victim

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shame on all of you she deserves punishment and her husband is the victim

Should the husband spank her? I mean really!!!

[Anonymous]

I can't believe people are saying not to tell the husband. He definitely needs to know when she returns, not by a phone call. He's her spouse and only he can make the decision to forgive with all of the information at hand. He needs to know this about his wife and choose to still love her, warts and all.

[Anonymous]

You should stop drinking. That is why they call alcohol the devil's drink. It entices you to do things you may not do otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe people are saying not to tell the husband. He definitely needs to know when she returns, not by a phone call. He's her spouse and only he can make the decision to forgive with all of the information at hand. He needs to know this about his wife and choose to still love her, warts and all.

You mean she can't just text him or send him an email with this news?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should stop drinking. That is why they call alcohol the devil's drink. It entices you to do things you may not do otherwise.

I think it's a huge mistake to blame this entirely on the alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Tough call - I lean toward the "don't tell" camp. I think the only person telling would help is OP. DH doesn't deserve to be burdened by her guilt.

On the other hand, the PP who said that, even without telling, this would change the dynamic between OP and her DH is probably correct. So, she could probably use some counseling to deal with her guilt, figure out why she did what she did (other than the obvious - alcohol and sex with someone new is fun in the short term), and figure out how not to do it again (other than the obvious - don't drink so much and don't come into contact with other men's penises.)

[Anonymous]

Be good to your husband. Learn from this. Don't put yourself in situations where you are vulnerable for this. That means no drinking, no hanging out with a guy on your own, etc. guilt is created to tell us we made a bad choice.

I think your husband deserves the truth. But it could end your marriage.

I know I couldn't tell my husband, so I'm giving you a cowardly opinion.

I once cheated on my husband. I felt awful. Worse than awful. So after that, I avoided being alone with men, having male friends, flirting. It's just not worth it. FWIW, I never cheated again. And I didn't tell DH. It was 20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should stop drinking. That is why they call alcohol the devil's drink. It entices you to do things you may not do otherwise.

most people drink. most people don't cheat.

[Anonymous]

dcguy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently on a business trip overseas. Last night I got incredibly drunk and slept with a colleague. He is a foreign affiliate and I only see him twice a year. I do not have feelings for him. I was drunk and caught up in the moment. I have never ever cheated on my husband and I am just so devastated. I don't know what to do. Should I call my husband? I feel so sick over this. My husband is a good man and we have a good marriage. I would do anything to take it back. Has anyone been through anything similar? Can anyone offer me advice? Please help.

The advice you've received not to tell will only work if you are not consumed by guilt. If your relationship with DH is as good as you say it is, then the guilt will be that much worse. Regardless of how hard you try, the guilt will change your behavior. DH will sense it and things will unravel. If you really love him, trust him and want to be true to the marriage, then tell him when you get home. (and then leave this message board forever!)

On the other hand: Are there are some underlying reasons why you let yourself get drunk with a male co-worker that you found attractive enough to sleep with while you were staying at a hotel? When women cheat, there is usually some built up resentment and alienation that drives them to do so. Ironically, if this is the case for you you are more likely to be able to keep your secret as your resentment will allow you to justify the deceit. In the meantime, you should work on whatever underlying issues are there and your marriage may come out stronger in the end. (and then welcome to this message board forever!)

Only you know which category you fall into. Make sure you are honest with yourself so you can act accordingly.

This is solid advice^^

I say that as someone who thinks telling is a bad idea. If you're going to act different, you'll ruin your marriage quickly. Maybe a therapist can help you sort through it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually impressed that the OP isn't trying to claim that she was "raped" as a way to avoid responsibility. That's what a lot of younger women do now when they get drunk and have sex.

You keep saying that. Why?