Served my DH with divorce papers and he was stunned

[Anonymous]

The subject of this thread puzzles me. Is he really your "DH" if you're divorcing him and can't stand the guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me how stupid men can be.

Enjoy your new life!

As a man, it amazes me how sadistic, selfish, and cruel some women can be. And I speak from direct experience.

How is it sadistic. Men are pissed we can support ourselves. Lots of counseling means she gave him a chance, no change means he either did not care or is incapable. Why should she live in misery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you don't have kids.

Blindsiding someone (anyone) with divorce papers is never wise. Forget the moral implications. I'm talking about strategy. Now you've pissed off the guy. He will likely turn what could have been a relatively simple process into a bloody war. Have fun fighting over every little thing for the next year or so. And have fun paying your lawyer!

Ps - if your lawyer advised this approach, then you are screwed...you have a craptastic lawyer.

Signed,

Lawyer

Ugh, what are you talking about. Are you a family law lawyer?

Because I work in family law and this is EXACTLY what we advise our clients to do. And we are an excellent firm.

If you can surprise someone with a divorce, it's the best thing because all the assets get frozen, and they wont be able to move money around.

Which is why so many famous and uber-rich people use this strategy and "blindside" their partner.

Are you seriously a lawyer? Or did you just say that to scare OP? If you are, you may want to choose a different field.

+1. Getting all your ducks in a row before saying "I want a divorce" or serving papers is the best move if you have decided on divorce. And, frankly, women shouldn't be making such important decisions about divorce and how to handle it on the basis of "it might make him upset and then he won't be nice to me." That is not a realistic way to plan for the future with someone who has already shown they are more than willing to do what it takes to try to diminish you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you don't have kids.

Blindsiding someone (anyone) with divorce papers is never wise. Forget the moral implications. I'm talking about strategy. Now you've pissed off the guy. He will likely turn what could have been a relatively simple process into a bloody war. Have fun fighting over every little thing for the next year or so. And have fun paying your lawyer!

Ps - if your lawyer advised this approach, then you are screwed...you have a craptastic lawyer.

Signed,

Lawyer

Ugh, what are you talking about. Are you a family law lawyer?

Because I work in family law and this is EXACTLY what we advise our clients to do. And we are an excellent firm.

If you can surprise someone with a divorce, it's the best thing because all the assets get frozen, and they wont be able to move money around.

Which is why so many famous and uber-rich people use this strategy and "blindside" their partner.

Are you seriously a lawyer? Or did you just say that to scare OP? If you are, you may want to choose a different field.

+1. Getting all your ducks in a row before saying "I want a divorce" or serving papers is the best move if you have decided on divorce. And, frankly, women shouldn't be making such important decisions about divorce and how to handle it on the basis of "it might make him upset and then he won't be nice to me." That is not a realistic way to plan for the future with someone who has already shown they are more than willing to do what it takes to try to diminish you.

+1000 Yes, PP is correct. Everyone, especially women, should prepare for a divorce. Collect all the financial information, talk to attorneys, etc. etc.

Good luck to you, OP. DCUM is a very crazy place with posts by tons of weirdos and angry people. Just lean on your real-life support network and reach out to other divorced women in DC. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you don't have kids.

Blindsiding someone (anyone) with divorce papers is never wise. Forget the moral implications. I'm talking about strategy. Now you've pissed off the guy. He will likely turn what could have been a relatively simple process into a bloody war. Have fun fighting over every little thing for the next year or so. And have fun paying your lawyer!

Ps - if your lawyer advised this approach, then you are screwed...you have a craptastic lawyer.

Signed,

Lawyer

Ugh, what are you talking about. Are you a family law lawyer?

Because I work in family law and this is EXACTLY what we advise our clients to do. And we are an excellent firm.

If you can surprise someone with a divorce, it's the best thing because all the assets get frozen, and they wont be able to move money around.

Which is why so many famous and uber-rich people use this strategy and "blindside" their partner.

Are you seriously a lawyer? Or did you just say that to scare OP? If you are, you may want to choose a different field.

+1. Getting all your ducks in a row before saying "I want a divorce" or serving papers is the best move if you have decided on divorce. And, frankly, women shouldn't be making such important decisions about divorce and how to handle it on the basis of "it might make him upset and then he won't be nice to me." That is not a realistic way to plan for the future with someone who has already shown they are more than willing to do what it takes to try to diminish you.

+1000 Yes, PP is correct. Everyone, especially women, should prepare for a divorce. Collect all the financial information, talk to attorneys, etc. etc.

Good luck to you, OP. DCUM is a very crazy place with posts by tons of weirdos and angry people. Just lean on your real-life support network and reach out to other divorced women in DC. Best of luck.

Yep. Didn't you know? If women were just NICE to men, they would be so nice back. I'm sure OP's DH would have bent over backwards in his desire to give her everything he could, all the money, all the custody, etc etc etc. Because that's how the world works.

Some people are so naive, it's unbelievable. I highly doubt anyone who advised OP to do this has any legal experience- because it would have been the dumbest thing in the world to tip her husband off and give him any time to move around assets.

THIS is why there is a field for family law lawyers. Because people get unbelievable vicious in divorces- almost without exception. I can count on one hand the number of divorces I have seen where both parties ended up being really nice to each other the whole time. So unless OP is confident of that, it would be inane to go in with that attitude, and a direct path to screwing herself and her kids over by playing softball when hardball is required.

[Anonymous]

Np here, after I had wanted to divorce my ex over probably a dozen times in our mostly miserable 11 yr marriage I did come home from work and he announced he didn't love me and found his own place. He did it in front of our 3 yr old. I was shocked, not bc our marriage was breaking up, but bc HE was leaving ME. After the emotional and physical abuse, I should have been the one to leave but I was too scared.

What a relief, best thing. He then was able to screw up his life as a single person and not bring me down with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, had you given your husband no warning at all beforehand, or are PPs reading too much into your post?

OP and I had endlessly said I was tired of never being good enough in his eyes. I told him it could not go on like this much longer and finally one day said enough is enough. I think he was stunned more out of ego than anything else. We did the marriage counseling route and he would never consider anything he did as negative.

I also split up with my husband, and he was totally stunned when I announced it. Our situation was different, there was infidelity, which he was never able to stop, and we had been through extensive counseling. He had been recommended to take medications, stop drinking and see a counselor, none of which he did consistently.

It puzzles me to this day why he was so surprised when I finally told him it was over. He had plenty of warning. It's inconceivable to me that anyone would expect a spouse to continue a relationship under those circumstances. And, he clearly understood that I personally wouldn't live like that. And yet, when I informed him it was over, he was stunned. For a number of years, he seemed to believe we might get back together.

So odd. I don't know if it was ego, an inability to see the truth about himself, an inability to understand how I saw him, a view of women as disempowered, or just a simple inability to realistically predict the consequences of his actions.

Maybe he was stupid enough to give credence to your sacred oath taken before man and God?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, had you given your husband no warning at all beforehand, or are PPs reading too much into your post?

OP and I had endlessly said I was tired of never being good enough in his eyes. I told him it could not go on like this much longer and finally one day said enough is enough. I think he was stunned more out of ego than anything else. We did the marriage counseling route and he would never consider anything he did as negative.

I also split up with my husband, and he was totally stunned when I announced it. Our situation was different, there was infidelity, which he was never able to stop, and we had been through extensive counseling. He had been recommended to take medications, stop drinking and see a counselor, none of which he did consistently.

It puzzles me to this day why he was so surprised when I finally told him it was over. He had plenty of warning. It's inconceivable to me that anyone would expect a spouse to continue a relationship under those circumstances. And, he clearly understood that I personally wouldn't live like that. And yet, when I informed him it was over, he was stunned. For a number of years, he seemed to believe we might get back together.

So odd. I don't know if it was ego, an inability to see the truth about himself, an inability to understand how I saw him, a view of women as disempowered, or just a simple inability to realistically predict the consequences of his actions.

Maybe he was stupid enough to give credence to your sacred oath taken before man and God?

Marriage vows are not a carte blanche excusal to treat your spouse badly and expect her to put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also split up with my husband, and he was totally stunned when I announced it. Our situation was different, there was infidelity, which he was never able to stop, and we had been through extensive counseling. He had been recommended to take medications, stop drinking and see a counselor, none of which he did consistently.

It puzzles me to this day why he was so surprised when I finally told him it was over. He had plenty of warning. It's inconceivable to me that anyone would expect a spouse to continue a relationship under those circumstances. And, he clearly understood that I personally wouldn't live like that. And yet, when I informed him it was over, he was stunned. For a number of years, he seemed to believe we might get back together.

So odd. I don't know if it was ego, an inability to see the truth about himself, an inability to understand how I saw him, a view of women as disempowered, or just a simple inability to realistically predict the consequences of his actions.

Maybe he was stupid enough to give credence to your sacred oath taken before man and God?

Honey, is that you? I am not coming back. You should re-read the PP's post if you aren't sure why.

[Anonymous]

People are so gross. The whole thing is a selfish mess and the attitudes are repelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father still acts blindsided as to why my mother got a divorce. He still brings it up and is bitter. It's absurd. We were all living in one corner of our house to get away from his crazy rages and mood swings and made it abundantly clear how bad things were. (I was 17 at the time)

It amazes me how men can take no personal responsibility and play the victim about absolutely everything.

I have news for you sunshine: women do this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hope you don't have kids - and that you are not over 40.


Not OP, but when this husband goes (leaves or dies), I am not going out to look for another guy to date or marry. I am so DONE with being partnered. I'm looking forward to being over 40 with no partner. Men are so much work.

All the divorce women I know who are over forty really want to get married again...and I mean really quickly. I think to myself....why?

I feel the same, if my marriage ends no way am I going to be looking for another husband. Marriage is so much work and it's so tiring. I would probably be content with a long term boyfriend eventually.

[Anonymous]

OP is your typical woman.

How she feels, what she thinks, what she wants to say, what she wants him to hear, etc. is what goes on in her head for 10 years.

Then she is surprised her husband was "stunned" being served papers.

Maybe if you communicated your feelings instead of convincing yourself that DH reads minds, you'd understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you don't have kids - and that you are not over 40.

Not OP, but when this husband goes (leaves or dies), I am not going out to look for another guy to date or marry. I am so DONE with being partnered. I'm looking forward to being over 40 with no partner. Men are so much work.

I can imagine how DH may feel about you ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:but he shouldn't have been. Ten years and I was tired of nothing ever being good enough. Tired of being compared to these supposed super women who always seem to be in every neighborhood we have lived in. Sp

you sound lazy, are you the person on the other thread who is SAH and has kids in full time Montessori while bankrupting the family.