Married coworkers want me but I'm to heavy for hubby

[Anonymous]

I also disagree with the shaming, but OPs post indicated a bit of naivity about her situation and the intentions of her coworkers. She also seemed a bit resentful towards her husband, which struck some posters as unfair and being in some denial.

It's obvious that her coworkers sense that she's desperate for validation, so they're flirting a bit -- most likely not seriously -- they may just want to make her feel better. Either that, or they think she will be an east target due to her insecurities.

In any case, OP should see through their flirting, and just accept that she put on weight. She doesn't have to be ashamed about it. And really, she could lose 20-30 pounds in a few months and the problem would go away. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The conflict on this thread is caused by two different approaches: you have those who believe the answer is to gently cajole the person into lifestyle changes. I see this all the time on threads that have to do with people who are overweight. There are allegations of fat-shaming, medical issues, eating disorders, need for counseling and so on.

Then there are those who believe that much more is achieved by just confronting the reality: most people who are overweight eat too much, eat the wrong type of food and refrain from physical activity.

I tend to belong to the latter school. It is really not helpful to be enablers - under the guise of being sensitive - to someone who is fat. It does not help the person who needs to lose weight. Most people who are overweight know why they are that way.

I was overweight and one of the things I did was to avoid eating out as much as possible while I was working to lose the weight. Just about any food in restaurants is laden with calories and it is well nigh impossible to lose weight if one eats out a lot. Combine eating sensibly at home with exercise and most people will lose weight.

Your opinion as to the best approach is based on your anecdotal experience. As is mine - and my approach is pretty much the opposite of yours. I used to be morbidly obese, and now I'm a normal weight. Rather than harshly "confronting the reality", I think sensitive, supportive encouragement is more likely to be effective over the long-term. While I agree that most people who are overweight know why, I think they often don't know how to make sustainable changes (or the idea of doing so is overwhelming), and I think the simplistic "you're at fault, and you need to eat less and move more" approach leads people to fad diets, yo-yo dieting, self-hatred and a variety of other things that don't help most people lose weight and keep it off. I don't think that empowering people, without shaming them, is at all the same thing as enabling.

Also anecdotal: I eat out often, and did while I was losing weight as well. Different things can work for different people.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:190 is obese. I feel sorry for both you and your DH. You are physically mismatched.

OP, you need to lose weight and your DH needs to bulk up. Maybe you both need to hit the gym.

Um, what? I am 5'11 and at 205 had 26% body fat. Hardly obese.

That's just gross. My DH is 6'2" and 216 and could easily stand to cut 20lbs. He's fit as well.

If at 6'2 and 215 your dh could cut 20 lbs he has too much body fat. Have you heard of the term "skinny fat"?

Though I am guessing that you have serious body image problems (or poor understanding of biology) if you think that a woman with 26 percent body fat is "gross". How much body fat do you think is acceptable? Please tell me you do not have daughters.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. But I think you're fudging things a bit. You are not "a few pounds" over your weight. 40 pounds is a LOT of weight. And at 150 pounds, you were not thin. I know that because I'm 5'10'', and 150 is my upper range weight. I'm not fat per se at 150 pounds, but not thin either, and if I kept up my gym routine, I'd never get beyond 145. What I'm saying is that you have a weight problem. You really do. Whether this is the reason your DH is turned off or not, we'll never know, but your weight is an issue. It's up to you whether to take care of that or not, but your weight is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not all just the simple math of (calories in through food) - (calories burned through exercise). I've watched my wife eat far less than me while exercising far more than me (as in, among other things, training for and running a marathon) and still struggle with her weight. So, if you believe it's that simple, then you're either stupid, naive, or willfully ignorant.

This. Anyone can starve themselves. Keeping it off is the problem. If it were that easy then no one would be overweight. Come on people no one WANTS to be fat especially in cases like this considering all the rejection that comes with it. I have a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old. If my husband treated me like this after having his kids I'd be pissed.

He isn't treating her in any particular way other than he no longer wants to sleep with her. Sexual interest is either there or it is not. It's not anything you can generate through effort. She didn't say he beats her or abuses her or leaves her naked in the cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. But I think you're fudging things a bit. You are not "a few pounds" over your weight. 40 pounds is a LOT of weight. And at 150 pounds, you were not thin. I know that because I'm 5'10'', and 150 is my upper range weight. I'm not fat per se at 150 pounds, but not thin either, and if I kept up my gym routine, I'd never get beyond 145. What I'm saying is that you have a weight problem. You really do. Whether this is the reason your DH is turned off or not, we'll never know, but your weight is an issue. It's up to you whether to take care of that or not, but your weight is not normal.

Glad to see someone - who is OP's height - agreeing with what I posted earlier that 140-145 pounds would be the weight that OP should aim to achieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. But I think you're fudging things a bit. You are not "a few pounds" over your weight. 40 pounds is a LOT of weight. And at 150 pounds, you were not thin. I know that because I'm 5'10'', and 150 is my upper range weight. I'm not fat per se at 150 pounds, but not thin either, and if I kept up my gym routine, I'd never get beyond 145. What I'm saying is that you have a weight problem. You really do. Whether this is the reason your DH is turned off or not, we'll never know, but your weight is an issue. It's up to you whether to take care of that or not, but your weight is not normal.

I am not OP, but people have different body types. I am 5'11 and would have to lose a LOT of muscle (on purpose, which would be stupid) to get down to 150. I put on muscle easily.

Weight is meaningless without a body fat percentage. I posted above - at 205, I was 26% body fat. My ideal would be no lower than 190. I'd have to stop exercising entirely and severely limit calories to drop enough muscle to get down to 150. Anyone who is educated on exercise and body composition knows that you can't really tell if someone is "overweight" based on a number on the scale.

If at 5'10 you are 150 and not "thin" then you probably could do some work to improve your fitness and add some muscle. I wouldn't trade my body for yours, ever, even though given my numbers, you'd probably describe me as obese.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. But I think you're fudging things a bit. You are not "a few pounds" over your weight. 40 pounds is a LOT of weight. And at 150 pounds, you were not thin. I know that because I'm 5'10'', and 150 is my upper range weight. I'm not fat per se at 150 pounds, but not thin either, and if I kept up my gym routine, I'd never get beyond 145. What I'm saying is that you have a weight problem. You really do. Whether this is the reason your DH is turned off or not, we'll never know, but your weight is an issue. It's up to you whether to take care of that or not, but your weight is not normal.

Glad to see someone - who is OP's height - agreeing with what I posted earlier that 140-145 pounds would be the weight that OP should aim to achieve.

People of all different heights are ignorant on the topics of exercise and body composition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. But I think you're fudging things a bit. You are not "a few pounds" over your weight. 40 pounds is a LOT of weight. And at 150 pounds, you were not thin. I know that because I'm 5'10'', and 150 is my upper range weight. I'm not fat per se at 150 pounds, but not thin either, and if I kept up my gym routine, I'd never get beyond 145. What I'm saying is that you have a weight problem. You really do. Whether this is the reason your DH is turned off or not, we'll never know, but your weight is an issue. It's up to you whether to take care of that or not, but your weight is not normal.

I am not OP, but people have different body types. I am 5'11 and would have to lose a LOT of muscle (on purpose, which would be stupid) to get down to 150. I put on muscle easily.

Weight is meaningless without a body fat percentage. I posted above - at 205, I was 26% body fat. My ideal would be no lower than 190. I'd have to stop exercising entirely and severely limit calories to drop enough muscle to get down to 150. Anyone who is educated on exercise and body composition knows that you can't really tell if someone is "overweight" based on a number on the scale.

If at 5'10 you are 150 and not "thin" then you probably could do some work to improve your fitness and add some muscle. I wouldn't trade my body for yours, ever, even though given my numbers, you'd probably describe me as obese.

Yep. I am 5'5 and 140 and 22% body fat. I can't imagine that 150 and 5'5 would be "normal weight" and not thin...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. But I think you're fudging things a bit. You are not "a few pounds" over your weight. 40 pounds is a LOT of weight. And at 150 pounds, you were not thin. I know that because I'm 5'10'', and 150 is my upper range weight. I'm not fat per se at 150 pounds, but not thin either, and if I kept up my gym routine, I'd never get beyond 145. What I'm saying is that you have a weight problem. You really do. Whether this is the reason your DH is turned off or not, we'll never know, but your weight is an issue. It's up to you whether to take care of that or not, but your weight is not normal.

I am not OP, but people have different body types. I am 5'11 and would have to lose a LOT of muscle (on purpose, which would be stupid) to get down to 150. I put on muscle easily.

Weight is meaningless without a body fat percentage. I posted above - at 205, I was 26% body fat. My ideal would be no lower than 190. I'd have to stop exercising entirely and severely limit calories to drop enough muscle to get down to 150. Anyone who is educated on exercise and body composition knows that you can't really tell if someone is "overweight" based on a number on the scale.

If at 5'10 you are 150 and not "thin" then you probably could do some work to improve your fitness and add some muscle. I wouldn't trade my body for yours, ever, even though given my numbers, you'd probably describe me as obese.

Yep. I am 5'5 and 140 and 22% body fat. I can't imagine that 150 and 5'5 would be "normal weight" and not thin...

My weightlifting partner is 5'3, size 2-4 and 140 lbs. She's super cut and everyone watches when she does pull ups with a 35 lb weight attached to a belt.

I'll go tell her that she is obese. I am really strong, too, but not quite as ripped as she is. The thought that I should weigh only 5 lbs more than her, when I am 8 inches taller, is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. But I think you're fudging things a bit. You are not "a few pounds" over your weight. 40 pounds is a LOT of weight. And at 150 pounds, you were not thin. I know that because I'm 5'10'', and 150 is my upper range weight. I'm not fat per se at 150 pounds, but not thin either, and if I kept up my gym routine, I'd never get beyond 145. What I'm saying is that you have a weight problem. You really do. Whether this is the reason your DH is turned off or not, we'll never know, but your weight is an issue. It's up to you whether to take care of that or not, but your weight is not normal.

I am not OP, but people have different body types. I am 5'11 and would have to lose a LOT of muscle (on purpose, which would be stupid) to get down to 150. I put on muscle easily.

Weight is meaningless without a body fat percentage. I posted above - at 205, I was 26% body fat. My ideal would be no lower than 190. I'd have to stop exercising entirely and severely limit calories to drop enough muscle to get down to 150. Anyone who is educated on exercise and body composition knows that you can't really tell if someone is "overweight" based on a number on the scale.

If at 5'10 you are 150 and not "thin" then you probably could do some work to improve your fitness and add some muscle. I wouldn't trade my body for yours, ever, even though given my numbers, you'd probably describe me as obese.

Yep. I am 5'5 and 140 and 22% body fat. I can't imagine that 150 and 5'5 would be "normal weight" and not thin...

My weightlifting partner is 5'3, size 2-4 and 140 lbs. She's super cut and everyone watches when she does pull ups with a 35 lb weight attached to a belt.

I'll go tell her that she is obese. I am really strong, too, but not quite as ripped as she is. The thought that I should weigh only 5 lbs more than her, when I am 8 inches taller, is hilarious.

I know. I am wondering if these people are for real or sock puppets, like a dude pretending to be a girl in order to fat shame. I dont know how on earth 150 at 5'10 would not be considered slim. Maybe if you are a 17 year old fashion model and supposed to fit into a sample size, but that is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a WOHM. Apart from your job, you should be making your health, your marriage and your child your priority - otherwise what is the point of your working? It is disgusting that married men at work hit upon you. It is very unprofessional and reeks of sexual harassment. Examine your interactions with them and stop inappropriate conversations in their tracks.

Think what you can change about yourself to make yourself healthy and work on your marriage. Your kid deserves to grow up in a healthy and loving marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. But I think you're fudging things a bit. You are not "a few pounds" over your weight. 40 pounds is a LOT of weight. And at 150 pounds, you were not thin. I know that because I'm 5'10'', and 150 is my upper range weight. I'm not fat per se at 150 pounds, but not thin either, and if I kept up my gym routine, I'd never get beyond 145. What I'm saying is that you have a weight problem. You really do. Whether this is the reason your DH is turned off or not, we'll never know, but your weight is an issue. It's up to you whether to take care of that or not, but your weight is not normal.

I am not OP, but people have different body types. I am 5'11 and would have to lose a LOT of muscle (on purpose, which would be stupid) to get down to 150. I put on muscle easily.

Weight is meaningless without a body fat percentage. I posted above - at 205, I was 26% body fat. My ideal would be no lower than 190. I'd have to stop exercising entirely and severely limit calories to drop enough muscle to get down to 150. Anyone who is educated on exercise and body composition knows that you can't really tell if someone is "overweight" based on a number on the scale.

If at 5'10 you are 150 and not "thin" then you probably could do some work to improve your fitness and add some muscle. I wouldn't trade my body for yours, ever, even though given my numbers, you'd probably describe me as obese.

Since I know my body and you don't, it's meaningless for you to prescribe or diagnose my fitness level. But since you brought this up, here are the numbers.

I'm 5'10''. When I was at the gym four times a week kickboxing, stepping and lifting weight PLUS on the ice for six hours a week, I was 135 pounds and you could crack walnuts on my inner thighs. I had fabulous muscle tone all over. That schedule, though, wasn't realistic or sustainable for me beyond the two years I had it. With that, my ass and hips were still not model material since that's not the way I am built, and I'll always be slim on top and heavier on the bottom. Models my height are 115, 120 pounds. That's not achievable for me so I don't bother myself with it.

When I cut out the ice time, I settled at 140-145 pounds for the next six years. That is my target weight that takes some work to maintain because I eat out regularly and don't deny myself. And because I gain weight easily. At that weight, I am size six on bottom and potentially a four on top. That is healthy and fit but not in any way slim or thin. It's not a 2. It's not a double zero. It's a healthy, average, very average 4 to 6.

Post-baby 2, I couldn't work out as much as I could, or ever, and my weight rocketed to 152. At that point, I feel disgusted with myself. Currently pregnant with 2 and can't wait to shed it. Mind you, I know my body will change and I will never again be 135, or even potentially 140. But I know that at 190, I would be a buffalo.

So to an extent, you are right. You cannot tell whether someone is overweight or not based on numbers on a scale. But only up to a point. There is no way anyone who is 5'10'' be 300 pounds and NOT overweight. The not being able to tell thing works in a range of 10, 15, maybe 20 pounds. But not 40 pounds. Sorry.

And yes, I don't want your body. At 190 pounds, I'd want to take a knife and start slicing flesh off myself. The last thing I'd tell myself would be that this is normal, and hell, DH should desire me...just because he ought to! If that's your normal and you're happy, I'm happy for you. To me, that would be a freaking code triple red.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I was 150 lbs when 135lb hubby and I got together, I was 170 lbs for awhile after having a baby (5' 10''), but now I'm 190. Several coworkers express sexual interest. I hate that my husband doesn't. I'm still hot, just a few pounds over my normal weight. Plus, I had a baby and complications afterwards. What do you do when you can't seem to loose the weight?

You start going to the gym religiously and revise the way you eat, forever.

What are you doing currently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. But I think you're fudging things a bit. You are not "a few pounds" over your weight. 40 pounds is a LOT of weight. And at 150 pounds, you were not thin. I know that because I'm 5'10'', and 150 is my upper range weight. I'm not fat per se at 150 pounds, but not thin either, and if I kept up my gym routine, I'd never get beyond 145. What I'm saying is that you have a weight problem. You really do. Whether this is the reason your DH is turned off or not, we'll never know, but your weight is an issue. It's up to you whether to take care of that or not, but your weight is not normal.

I am not OP, but people have different body types. I am 5'11 and would have to lose a LOT of muscle (on purpose, which would be stupid) to get down to 150. I put on muscle easily.

Weight is meaningless without a body fat percentage. I posted above - at 205, I was 26% body fat. My ideal would be no lower than 190. I'd have to stop exercising entirely and severely limit calories to drop enough muscle to get down to 150. Anyone who is educated on exercise and body composition knows that you can't really tell if someone is "overweight" based on a number on the scale.

If at 5'10 you are 150 and not "thin" then you probably could do some work to improve your fitness and add some muscle. I wouldn't trade my body for yours, ever, even though given my numbers, you'd probably describe me as obese.

Yep. I am 5'5 and 140 and 22% body fat. I can't imagine that 150 and 5'5 would be "normal weight" and not thin...

My weightlifting partner is 5'3, size 2-4 and 140 lbs. She's super cut and everyone watches when she does pull ups with a 35 lb weight attached to a belt.

I'll go tell her that she is obese. I am really strong, too, but not quite as ripped as she is. The thought that I should weigh only 5 lbs more than her, when I am 8 inches taller, is hilarious.

As long as you are also size 2 to 4, you can weigh whatever you like.