"Engagement" ring years after the fact? Yay or nay?

[Anonymous]

Waste of money. I think you need to examine what is currently going on in your relationship to make you feel insecure enough to ask for a ring way after the fact.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I kind of get it. My mom used to crack me up because she would say how the first wife, you met when you had nothing, you had no ring or barely a ring. You were in the apartment that you couldn't afford to cool and heat properly. Even now, when you can afford to hear the house, if you say you are cold, the DH suggest you put on another sweatshirt ...maybe a holdover from when you didn't have a choice. If you drop dead tomorrow the second wife won't be proposed to with a blow pop ring but at least a one carat diamond. If she complains she is cold, he will say, oh let me rush to turn up the heat, is that enough, would you like a blanket or for me to start the fire?. I can't tell the story the way my mom does about the hypothetical second wife complete with the man dialogue. I think my mom's point in weaving these stories was not to make me this high maintenance crazy person (in reality my mom worked two jobs at times to help support the family) but realize someone will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated and if you let yourself be taking for granted you will be. It isn't that your husband doesn't have the capacity to be generous or thoughtful is just was not required of him in order to be with you. But now you are 15 years into the marriage and it's hard to change course for both of you.

So anyway, I think you will need to be direct with DH but don't expect him to jump for joy or suddenly turn all romantic. If you really want an engagement ring, go with him as he asked. If you would like him to have done some research ahead of time, be direct and say it would really mean a lot to me if as part of our anniversary you already did the research on this before we go to the store and together you get an idea of styles I like. I don't think you can or will recapture the romance of the proposal but ask if he would write a letter about what he would write for vows today, knowing what he knows now and you read the letters too each other on your anniversary. I know my DH would grumble and be like what ....but at the end of the day he would do it.

[Anonymous]

I get OP's point of view. yes go shop together for a nice ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having a midlife crisis? B/c usually it's only young suckers that buy into the diamond is forever spiels put out by the cartel.

You realize diamonds are effectively worthless; there is no secondary market except pawn shops?

You are taking thousands of your family's money and throwing it away, and you are old enough to know better, unlike the lovestruck yoing adults who buy into some fantasy.

Are you so wealthy that 10k is nothing to you? Like making millions per year? I suspect not so this whole affair confuses me.

This smells like some major midlife mojo; to be a young bride again...

Are you a man or a woman? Married? If woman and married, do you have an engagement ring? Just curious...

By the way, I am fully aware that diamonds (and luxury cars, and boats, and designer handbags, and lots of pricey things that people want) have little to no investment value. Heck, the chocolate pie I bought for dessert the other day had little to no nutritional value! That's why I am looking for people's opinions on this board. If I wanted to open up a college fund for my kids, I wouldn't be so torn about it. It would be done.

At least you don't eat diamond rings and they don't go straight to your thighs after paying all that money. I can give it to my DD years later when she is older.

I noticed people that say diamonds are over rated are usually those without diamonds or can't afford for a nice one and just talk down to make them feel better. My ring is simple (just a single princess cut) n not too expensive but let me tell you the beauty of it when your under the sun or the light it just lits up and you can just stare at it...beautiful... I was at the store the other night and the cashier made a comment about how beautiful my ring was and it took me a second to realize she was talking about my ring. I guess it lights up so well n caught her eyes.

[Anonymous]

I think you are both wrong. You by asking for a $5-$10,000 ring and him dragging his feet. I would have introduced the subject and then let HIM initiate researching cost, size, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think it's reasonable to want a ring and ask him for a ring. However, what you want is a ROCK. 1.5 carats is huge. I think you should consider shrinking it to a 1 carat. Some of the ones with side stones are so beautiful. It will bring the price down and I don't think a compromise is unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were OP's husband I'd be using the $10,000 for my lawyer's retainer about now.

Except, thank God, you are not. Pity your wife though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're being irrational. Yes, you should get your ring. But your DH isn't being a cheapskate or a jerk unless there's more to the story than what you have said. You haven't made a big deal out of a ring for 15 years, and now all of a sudden, it's suddenly so important to you? You can't exactly fault DH for not jumping up and throwing down $5-10k on a ring. Go pick one out together.

You probably won't be surprised to hear that I got married without a ring, and when I did get one, I initiated the whole process. Not my husband. I probably still wouldn't have one if I had waited for him to get around to it!

+1

[Anonymous]

Op, You sound really nice and really reasonable to me. I think your desire for a nice ring is reasonable, but I think a heartfelt note to your husband might be better than a conversation. That way he can process what you are saying in private and have a moment to comtemplate it . . . my guess is that if you have this conversation in person, his immediate reaction won't be what you want and you'll feel hurt/mad and the whole thing will be tainted.

Also, I think the husbands who are great gift givers tend to not be great savers. I'm guessing your husband is really responsible with money & a saver. I point this out so that you maybe see a silver lining to what otherwise just seems like shitty cheapness? There is nothing worse than being married to a spend-thrift man FWIW.

Hugs, and I hope you get a ring that is beautiful given with a spirit of love . . .

[Anonymous]

Diamonds are over rated, at least those that you buy in retail. I do own diamonds (a ring that my husband paid a rip off price in US) and several purchased in Africa for a fraction of the cost that you would pay in US. Yes, they sparkle, but that is it. Personally, I would prefer the style over the size. And I love tanzanite much better, than diamonds. Large diamonds rings are usually on the hands of the older ladies and I always have association between large diamond and wrinkly hands.


If you feel like you need to buy one, look at the not expensive versions (if you set it in the yellow gold, you don't have to pay a fortune for a colorless diamond). No one will know if the diamond has any small defects except you. Diamonds that you will buy at retail are not a good investment like a lot of people tend to believe (unless it is Tiffany, or other famous maker). Retail diamonds are commercially produced and have no value as an investment. Look at the options to purchase a diamond at the auctions and set it in the ring (Sams' club used to have plain rings for diamond setting). In anyway, do your research before you spend $10K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I noticed people that say diamonds are over rated are usually those without diamonds or can't afford for a nice one and just talk down to make them feel better. My ring is simple (just a single princess cut) n not too expensive but let me tell you the beauty of it when your under the sun or the light it just lits up and you can just stare at it...beautiful... I was at the store the other night and the cashier made a comment about how beautiful my ring was and it took me a second to realize she was talking about my ring. I guess it lights up so well n caught her eyes.

I think that those of us with less money, have a different sense of what $10K is. I think diamonds are beautiful. I can understand that people treasure them. But for me, in my world, $10K is a car, it's more than I paid for every piece of furniture in my home. It's likely to be our EFC for a year of college. It's family vacations for 5 consecutive years. It's a year of once a week therapy for my son.

I can't imagine valuing something pretty to put on my finger higher than those things. If I was in a position where I wasn't making choices between those things (e.g. do we stay car free to afford therapy?), then I'd probably feel differently about diamonds.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree it's less about the rung and more about a big romantic gesture to show he appreciates you. I would consider a big anniversary trip somewhere nice without the kids rather than a ring. Or if your heart is set on diamonds. ..get a nice anniversary band not a solitaire. That seems a bit tacky after 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous



Waste of money. I think you need to examine what is currently going on in your relationship to make you feel insecure enough to ask for a ring way after the fact.

+100 how old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree it's less about the rung and more about a big romantic gesture to show he appreciates you. I would consider a big anniversary trip somewhere nice without the kids rather than a ring. Or if your heart is set on diamonds. ..get a nice anniversary band not a solitaire. That seems a bit tacky after 15 years.

Is it tacky for a woman who always had an engagement ring to wear that along with her band after 15 years? If not, what's tacky about this? People will just assume she always had it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree it's less about the rung and more about a big romantic gesture to show he appreciates you. I would consider a big anniversary trip somewhere nice without the kids rather than a ring. Or if your heart is set on diamonds. ..get a nice anniversary band not a solitaire. That seems a bit tacky after 15 years.

Is it tacky for a woman who always had an engagement ring to wear that along with her band after 15 years? If not, what's tacky about this? People will just assume she always had it.

If I see a middle aged women with a 10K ring, I assume it was acquired recently, maybe because it was a replacement for a smaller ring, or because she's more recently married.

I don't think that most young couples just starting out are buying 10K rings.