Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's not really fair to say that you had an expectation that she would continue to work unless you also have a proven track record with helping with all of the non-paid household work. Perhaps she feels she has no choice but to stay at home because you don't help out as much with this stuff as you said you would

But I did! I mean if you actually asked my DW who did the heavy lifting when we both worked, it was me! I am more of a multi-tasker and really did the heavy lifting. I cooked more (still do), I really enjoyed it being more hands on. I actually am the neater person in the marriage (not a neat freak, just more organized). I actually miss being more involved but work is what it is (like my new job which makes staying home work requires me to do things like travel to NY for the day on the Acela, but thankfully allows me time to come home by dinner).

There is a communication gap in the story and that is what is your wife's reason she wants to stay at home. If she says because working was too overwhelming, it may be that she disagrees with your assessment of who did the heavy lifting. But, honestly, it is difficult to tell because you haven't provided that piece of information -- either because you don't know it, or are dismissive of it.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. Not to get into the weeds on the math, but we are still paying for school for the older. DW's salary covered infant care for both kids, her retirement, our healthcare, and there was a couple of hundred bucks at the end of month. So, it was a wash in her mind but not mine. We use my health insurance (crappier).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you have a baby, if your oldest is just in preschool. Cut your wife a break!! Much of what you said could be said about me but I am glad to say my DH and I are in great shape and I think he would tell you the attraction has not diminished. Part of that is because we made the decision together for me to stay home, but part of it is that he loves me and wants me to be happy, and he sees how much happier the kids are with me home than they were when I worked. We are also lucky that my DH earns enough that we can live comfortably and meet our goals without my financial contribution. But part of why he's been as successful as he has is that my being home enables my him to give 100% to his job. He can work late, attend work dinners, travel on short notice, etc. That was NOT the case when I worked and it was really hard. It put a lot of stress on our marriage to constantly be negotiating who could do preschool drop off and who could relieve the nanny, not to mention who was going to pick up the groceries, throw dinner together, make lunches, etc. Now there's no question that I can do all those things. My DH still helps a lot when he's home but when he's not that's fine too. Our house is messy I admit, and that's something I'm working on, but only because my youngest is now in preschool 3 mornings a week and my oldest is in kindergarten. Before that I just couldn't keep up with the house -- it doesn't come naturally to me and it was so hard with babies and toddlers. That phase really is SO difficult. But we always caught up on weekends and the cleaning lady came once a week and it was fine. I am so glad my DH and I are on the same page because it would really make me lose respect for him if he were to cut me down the way you talk about your DW. Again, our situations aren't the same but there are a lot of similarities. This isn't what I would necessarily have chosen but my career didn't take off the way I had hoped and I felt guilty all the time being away from the kids. My DH understands that everything changes when you have kids, and the priorities and goals you had before may need to be adjusted in ways you couldn't have predicted. Try to give your wife the same understanding.

OP, I sympathize with you. Yes, it is hard to be the sole breadwinner. Yes, she should not make decisions without your input. Yet you say "I am going to put the younger one in preschool"-- what about her input into that decision?

It sounds like you don't really get what she's going through. Bearing children is really hard on the body, and your kids are really little and physically demanding. Your wife is at the end of a long marathon of pregnancy, night feedings, etc., and it's probably pretty tough for her to feel confident and mentally sharp. It takes a long time to truly recover from pregnancy, especially while caring for a toddler.

You need to take a hard look at yourself, too, OP. If she worked, would you truly pull your weight, missing work for appointments and sick kids, doing pickup and dropoff, etc.? Because if you won't, and you didn't back when she was working, then it's going to be really hard for her to find a job that accommodates her doing all that stuff. In addition to pumping if she's breastfeeding! It's hard to contemplate starting a new job, after being out of the workforce, and not being able to give 100% due to the kids and pumping. Parenting is a role, but there is also a lot of very time-consuming work that goes along with it, so it is a job. And if you are not doing your share, then it will fall to her. She is right to be realistic about this.

I say as a mother of kids the same age as OP's - this is garbage. If the little one is going to preschool in a year, he/she is probably around 1. I have two kids the same age (active boys at that). I work full-time (at a flexible job), exercise, cook, take care of my house, etc. Unless OP's wife has postpartum depression or physical issues, being a year postpartum is not a disability and she needs to get it together.

So not helpful, except as a humble brag.

Not at all. Saying that a woman whose youngest child is 1 is suffering physically and emotionally from pregnancy and can't be expected to pull her weight in the household is ridiculous.

Wow, you are dense. For some it is. Your experience is not universal.

I didn't say it was. I said in the absence of PPD or a physical issue. Attitudes like yours - the whole 'pregnancy as disability' mindset - are what contribute to gender issues like what OP is dealing with in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Things change when you have kids. You should have learned to use BC and not procreate.

It would not have been easy for her to SAHM and then find that you do not appreciate her.

She married a loser. Sympathies to her.

Disagree. HE married a loser. OP, ignore the SAHMs on here who are bitter about any man who wants to respect his wife as an equal partner in all ways.

Should not you be working at 9am?

I was at OT with my kid. Now I'm waiting for a presentation to load. Keep trying, and just hope your husband doesn't feel like OP (who I think is totally in the right, btw).

So you work PT? And if not, why did not your DH go to OT? Guess, he feels his job is more important than yours.
Keep trying what? You are being a judgemental bitch, not me.
My DH is an awesome dude.
Let's see what excuse you invent to come here again. Bathroom break?

You're a nutjob. And you can't spell or use proper grammar, but you don't need to, anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP, PP with ill DH here.

Thought of something else, although I know it could be a cringe-worthy suggestion, depending on finances. Some of the issue seems to be about the household chaos. Can you pay for a service to deep-clean (one time fee) and then maintain every three weeks? Is that affordable?

I only ask, b/c, like you, I don't like my home to be piled up and messy. It screws with my brain. Maybe if you took some of that element out of the equation it would help both of you. It also puts you on a schedule, as the house has to be somewhat "in order" for it to be cleaned.

HTH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. Not to get into the weeds on the math, but we are still paying for school for the older. DW's salary covered infant care for both kids, her retirement, our healthcare, and there was a couple of hundred bucks at the end of month. So, it was a wash in her mind but not mine. We use my health insurance (crappier).

That is DEFINITELY not a wash. OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It plainly sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's not really fair to say that you had an expectation that she would continue to work unless you also have a proven track record with helping with all of the non-paid household work. Perhaps she feels she has no choice but to stay at home because you don't help out as much with this stuff as you said you would

But I did! I mean if you actually asked my DW who did the heavy lifting when we both worked, it was me! I am more of a multi-tasker and really did the heavy lifting. I cooked more (still do), I really enjoyed it being more hands on. I actually am the neater person in the marriage (not a neat freak, just more organized). I actually miss being more involved but work is what it is (like my new job which makes staying home work requires me to do things like travel to NY for the day on the Acela, but thankfully allows me time to come home by dinner).

But did you do more of the things that involve missing work? And how will you do those in your new job, if she goes back to work? She needs to feel confident that the new job will be a success, and it will not be a success if she cannot have good attendance at work. Also if she is still pumping, that will limit the jobs she can take.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. From what I know, DW quit her job because she wasn't happy there with the idea of looking for something else. That went by the wayside after our second arrived and basically stopped completely. There wasn't much said beyond "this is what I want to do now." When I tried to encourage her job hunting efforts, they just got shut down as something she's not interested in pursuing. So, yes. There was a gap of communication, but really there wasn't much left for me to do but accept it. Which I am working on in therapy, but is difficult because this isn't the life I wanted or the type of marriage I had planned on.

Like I said, things are really lopsided and unbalanced.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old is your younger child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Things change when you have kids. You should have learned to use BC and not procreate.

It would not have been easy for her to SAHM and then find that you do not appreciate her.

She married a loser. Sympathies to her.

Disagree. HE married a loser. OP, ignore the SAHMs on here who are bitter about any man who wants to respect his wife as an equal partner in all ways.

Should not you be working at 9am?

I was at OT with my kid. Now I'm waiting for a presentation to load. Keep trying, and just hope your husband doesn't feel like OP (who I think is totally in the right, btw).

So you work PT? And if not, why did not your DH go to OT? Guess, he feels his job is more important than yours.
Keep trying what? You are being a judgemental bitch, not me.
My DH is an awesome dude.
Let's see what excuse you invent to come here again. Bathroom break?

You're a nutjob. And you can't spell or use proper grammar, but you don't need to, anyway.

Go work. You can come throw stones at SAHMs after you done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you have a baby, if your oldest is just in preschool. Cut your wife a break!! Much of what you said could be said about me but I am glad to say my DH and I are in great shape and I think he would tell you the attraction has not diminished. Part of that is because we made the decision together for me to stay home, but part of it is that he loves me and wants me to be happy, and he sees how much happier the kids are with me home than they were when I worked. We are also lucky that my DH earns enough that we can live comfortably and meet our goals without my financial contribution. But part of why he's been as successful as he has is that my being home enables my him to give 100% to his job. He can work late, attend work dinners, travel on short notice, etc. That was NOT the case when I worked and it was really hard. It put a lot of stress on our marriage to constantly be negotiating who could do preschool drop off and who could relieve the nanny, not to mention who was going to pick up the groceries, throw dinner together, make lunches, etc. Now there's no question that I can do all those things. My DH still helps a lot when he's home but when he's not that's fine too. Our house is messy I admit, and that's something I'm working on, but only because my youngest is now in preschool 3 mornings a week and my oldest is in kindergarten. Before that I just couldn't keep up with the house -- it doesn't come naturally to me and it was so hard with babies and toddlers. That phase really is SO difficult. But we always caught up on weekends and the cleaning lady came once a week and it was fine. I am so glad my DH and I are on the same page because it would really make me lose respect for him if he were to cut me down the way you talk about your DW. Again, our situations aren't the same but there are a lot of similarities. This isn't what I would necessarily have chosen but my career didn't take off the way I had hoped and I felt guilty all the time being away from the kids. My DH understands that everything changes when you have kids, and the priorities and goals you had before may need to be adjusted in ways you couldn't have predicted. Try to give your wife the same understanding.

OP, I sympathize with you. Yes, it is hard to be the sole breadwinner. Yes, she should not make decisions without your input. Yet you say "I am going to put the younger one in preschool"-- what about her input into that decision?

It sounds like you don't really get what she's going through. Bearing children is really hard on the body, and your kids are really little and physically demanding. Your wife is at the end of a long marathon of pregnancy, night feedings, etc., and it's probably pretty tough for her to feel confident and mentally sharp. It takes a long time to truly recover from pregnancy, especially while caring for a toddler.

You need to take a hard look at yourself, too, OP. If she worked, would you truly pull your weight, missing work for appointments and sick kids, doing pickup and dropoff, etc.? Because if you won't, and you didn't back when she was working, then it's going to be really hard for her to find a job that accommodates her doing all that stuff. In addition to pumping if she's breastfeeding! It's hard to contemplate starting a new job, after being out of the workforce, and not being able to give 100% due to the kids and pumping. Parenting is a role, but there is also a lot of very time-consuming work that goes along with it, so it is a job. And if you are not doing your share, then it will fall to her. She is right to be realistic about this.

I say as a mother of kids the same age as OP's - this is garbage. If the little one is going to preschool in a year, he/she is probably around 1. I have two kids the same age (active boys at that). I work full-time (at a flexible job), exercise, cook, take care of my house, etc. Unless OP's wife has postpartum depression or physical issues, being a year postpartum is not a disability and she needs to get it together.

So not helpful, except as a humble brag.

Not at all. Saying that a woman whose youngest child is 1 is suffering physically and emotionally from pregnancy and can't be expected to pull her weight in the household is ridiculous.

Wow, you are dense. For some it is. Your experience is not universal.

I didn't say it was. I said in the absence of PPD or a physical issue. Attitudes like yours - the whole 'pregnancy as disability' mindset - are what contribute to gender issues like what OP is dealing with in the first place.

First, that wasn't my post. Second, no one said pregnancy was a disability other than you. Third, everyone's situation is different and some people find their career and very young children difficult to balance. Learn some empathy.

[Anonymous]

Thought of something else, although I know it could be a cringe-worthy suggestion, depending on finances. Some of the issue seems to be about the household chaos. Can you pay for a service to deep-clean (one time fee) and then maintain every three weeks? Is that affordable?

I only ask, b/c, like you, I don't like my home to be piled up and messy. It screws with my brain. Maybe if you took some of that element out of the equation it would help both of you. It also puts you on a schedule, as the house has to be somewhat "in order" for it to be cleaned.

OP here. This is actually not a bad idea. I am actually going to talk about this tonight. My wife just doesn't mind the clutter and mess as much as I do, which I know bugs me and is contributing to my frustration (of working all day and spending the night after the kids are in bed cleaning up the day's mess).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Things change when you have kids. You should have learned to use BC and not procreate.

It would not have been easy for her to SAHM and then find that you do not appreciate her.

She married a loser. Sympathies to her.

Disagree. HE married a loser. OP, ignore the SAHMs on here who are bitter about any man who wants to respect his wife as an equal partner in all ways.

Should not you be working at 9am?

I was at OT with my kid. Now I'm waiting for a presentation to load. Keep trying, and just hope your husband doesn't feel like OP (who I think is totally in the right, btw).

So you work PT? And if not, why did not your DH go to OT? Guess, he feels his job is more important than yours.
Keep trying what? You are being a judgemental bitch, not me.
My DH is an awesome dude.
Let's see what excuse you invent to come here again. Bathroom break?

You're a nutjob. And you can't spell or use proper grammar, but you don't need to, anyway.

Go work. You can come throw stones at SAHMs after you done.

^ you're done. Another mistake on my part, but as you correctly pointed out, I don't need to know grammar.

[Anonymous]

Thought of something else, although I know it could be a cringe-worthy suggestion, depending on finances. Some of the issue seems to be about the household chaos. Can you pay for a service to deep-clean (one time fee) and then maintain every three weeks? Is that affordable?

I only ask, b/c, like you, I don't like my home to be piled up and messy. It screws with my brain. Maybe if you took some of that element out of the equation it would help both of you. It also puts you on a schedule, as the house has to be somewhat "in order" for it to be cleaned.


OP here. This is actually not a bad idea. I am actually going to talk about this tonight. My wife just doesn't mind the clutter and mess as much as I do, which I know bugs me and is contributing to my frustration (of working all day and spending the night after the kids are in bed cleaning up the day's mess).

Thanks. I have so BTDT that I feel your pain thru the posts.

For me, I like to come home to clean so that I can relax. Coming home to piles of crap just ratchets me up. I wish it didn't!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. From what I know, DW quit her job because she wasn't happy there with the idea of looking for something else. That went by the wayside after our second arrived and basically stopped completely. There wasn't much said beyond "this is what I want to do now." When I tried to encourage her job hunting efforts, they just got shut down as something she's not interested in pursuing. So, yes. There was a gap of communication, but really there wasn't much left for me to do but accept it. Which I am working on in therapy, but is difficult because this isn't the life I wanted or the type of marriage I had planned on.

Like I said, things are really lopsided and unbalanced.

Have you thought about marriage counseling? Because there is definitely more to it than that, and you need to understand where she is coming from.

Don't know your ages or how long it took to have children. They grow up so quickly. By early elementary, they are more into their friends than parents. She may just want to spend time with the kids while they still think she is the center of the universe.