Reply to Completely Lost It on my Teen DD

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A bit of background. My DW and i are divorced.  I divorced DW because she engages in screaming and disrespectful behavior, along with a bit of adultery thrown in. Unfortunately, because of the laws in VAi I had to settle for joint custody with DW. DD loves with DW in the week and I have her weekends and a few evenings a week. So, DD spends a lot of time nursing at the tit of exDW's resentment, which spoon feeds her a lot of BS about what a terrible person I am b/c i "left" her, don't love her, etc. I have actually had DD parrot a ,ot of this BS back at me, and I know it comes from her mother.  All I can do is say it's not true, I lover you, etc. Hipefully, one day, she will see things as they actually are and not as her mother paints them. [/quote]

Yes, as with many things involving teenagers, taking the long view is what saves you.

Do you talk to ex-DW? Do you have common expectations re driving, grades, curfews? And then a common set of consequences and privileges to be earned? Because if DD curses you out one hour before returning to DW, it's going to be hard to impose certain consequences (unless you pay that phone bill).

It sounds like with communication skills, ex-DW is not going to get with the program any time soon. So it's on you to help your daughter learn to communicate in a grown-up manner. "In my house, we are going to communicate differently from what you're used to. These are life skills, and they will help you in all aspects of your future life, in college, in your future jobs and relationships. So listen carefully. There will be no yelling or cursing in my house: instead, you will speak to me directly and clearly about exactly what's bothering you, with as many details as you want to give me. We will both use calm voices, and we will both talk in terms of your own perceptions and feelings instead of being accusatory. I promise to listen. If you want, we can find time every weekend to do checkins about our concerns and about good things, too. I am willing to negotiate on some things, but other things are non-negotiable, and a parent's job is to set boundaries. If you don't like my hard rules, let's find other places where we can compromise. When you are an adult, in only a few years, you can make your own rules."[/quote]

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