what leads parents to be completely delusional about their kids' abilities?

[Anonymous]

I would always think my kids are the best in the world. I'd say that to them as well. I wouldn't say it to other parents probably...but I'd still think it. How much of it comes true later is a different story, but until proven otherwise my kids are the best at everything they do

[Anonymous]

How many parents sit around and talk about their class rank? You and your friends are in a pissing contest. Sorry your not winning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were both overachievers and attended ivy leagues. We have very high expectations of our children. I am actually often disappointed that my kids don't stand out. They are very bright and I love them to pieces. I know it probably isn't fair to set the bar so high. DH and I would be disappointed if our kids did not attend an ivy league, specifically HYP. I would not want my kids to know this though. I want them to be happy. I always praise them.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many parents sit around and talk about their class rank? You and your friends are in a pissing contest. Sorry your not winning.

+1, so weird. And completely agree. OP knows WAY too much about her friends and their kids...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were both overachievers and attended ivy leagues. We have very high expectations of our children. I am actually often disappointed that my kids don't stand out. They are very bright and I love them to pieces. I know it probably isn't fair to set the bar so high. DH and I would be disappointed if our kids did not attend an ivy league, specifically HYP. I would not want my kids to know this though. I want them to be happy. I always praise them.

Are you Chinese-American? You sound like my colleague. She was complaining a couple of years ago that her daughter ended up going to Duke. Her son is now entering his senior year of high school and his biggest passion is video games. I'm looking forward to hearing about his college admission.

PP here. I am Korean-American. Most Koreans put education as a top priority. I actually don't know many Asians who don't place education as a top priority.

[Anonymous]

As for the ivy talk -- if your kid is in about 3rd-4th grade, it'll work itself out by 9th-10th grade so ignore it for another 5 yrs.

From personal experience, there were a LOT of kids who did really well in elementary school and well in middle school. It honestly isn't hard to be a straight A student if you're of medium intelligence, you try, and you're in a home where grades/homework etc. are emphasized. That makes parents think "oh my kid is a genius" he's gotten straight As for 8 straight yrs.

The ivy bound kids start to separate themselves by 9th-10th grade though. In part because they really have to bust their a$$ if they want to even have a legit shot for an ivy, and that's not something (most) parents can mandate -- unless they are tiger parents. The kids themselves need to be willing to take 15 APs and get As in them, be a leader at school/sports/community. It's a rare kind of kid that will work that hard for the small % chance of acceptance.

There were many who were consistently straight A students in elementary who by high school were ranked in the 50th percentile. I don't mean to suggest they weren't smart -- they were. But they chose other things. Some decided they had a passion for one thing -- say science -- and would devour any and all science opportunities but were ok being in honors level classes for everything else. Some were told their parents couldn't afford out of state/ivy, so they figured -- why kill myself for it. Some discovered that they didn't mind being in state or frankly found a "passion" for video games or sports or dating or being popular or whatever and school was back burner. Point is -- as much as a parent can insist their child is ivy bound, with an acceptance rate that has hovered at the 7% mark or lower for the last 10 yrs -- I wouldn't make anything of it until the kid is holding a signed letter from admissions a decade from now.

Totally agree. And sometimes the less apparently gifted kids catch up. I wasn't selected for the gifted program in elementary school. In fact I was denied admission to the school (private school) altogether the first time I applied (in kindergarten). But I worked hard and my grades gradually crept up, and between 8th and 9th grades it was like a switch was thrown and I suddenly understood how to study, understood the material I'd been missing, etc. I graduated first in my class and went to Harvard and did well there. I'm sure there were plenty of kids in my school who had more native smarts -- probably the ones selected for the gifted program in third grade -- but they didn't all go to Ivies because they didn't put in the effort, or they found other things of importance, etc. I really don't see how you can know what track your kid will be on before they're 11 or 12 at the earliest, 14 or 15 more likely. And I know plenty of people who didn't go to Ivies who are doing just as well or better than I am, and are probably happier, too!

Same here. Only Yale, and stopped sucking at school at more like 7th grade. Also like a switch flipped: "Oh, I should be, ah, learning all this stuff, huh?" I mention because (1) agree that very little can be discerned at the elementary school level, (2) the "switch" flipping had nothing to do with my parents, who placed importance on education but in no way were tiger parents, and (3) I think all the bragging/pressure is the born of our insecurity about *how little* control parents have over the talents, drive, intellectual abilities of their kids (beyond the baseline of providing security, love and a decent education).

[Anonymous]

I REALLY wish people like OP would just leave it alone. If they are bragging, just find someone else to talk to. On the other end of the spectrum but much worse are the people who run down other kids with comments like "I wonder how your daughter got selected?" etc. It is really smarmy to focus on other kids' achievements or lack of achievement even if the parents make it hard to ignore. Don't take the bait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were both overachievers and attended ivy leagues. We have very high expectations of our children. I am actually often disappointed that my kids don't stand out. They are very bright and I love them to pieces. I know it probably isn't fair to set the bar so high. DH and I would be disappointed if our kids did not attend an ivy league, specifically HYP. I would not want my kids to know this though. I want them to be happy. I always praise them.

Are you Chinese-American? You sound like my colleague. She was complaining a couple of years ago that her daughter ended up going to Duke. Her son is now entering his senior year of high school and his biggest passion is video games. I'm looking forward to hearing about his college admission.

PP here. I am Korean-American. Most Koreans put education as a top priority. I actually don't know many Asians who don't place education as a top priority.

Korean here. PP - you do realize that it's much harder to get into Ivys these days than when you went to school. You may not have been able to get in if you were applying now. Relax. Your kids will probably do great in life even without an Ivy degree. Or would you rather have them going to Hagwons in Korea, living and breathing school 24/7?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were both overachievers and attended ivy leagues. We have very high expectations of our children. I am actually often disappointed that my kids don't stand out. They are very bright and I love them to pieces. I know it probably isn't fair to set the bar so high. DH and I would be disappointed if our kids did not attend an ivy league, specifically HYP. I would not want my kids to know this though. I want them to be happy. I always praise them.

Are you Chinese-American? You sound like my colleague. She was complaining a couple of years ago that her daughter ended up going to Duke. Her son is now entering his senior year of high school and his biggest passion is video games. I'm looking forward to hearing about his college admission.

My husband has a colleague (Indian maybe, maybe Asian) who complains that both his kids are at Cornell. But he's a good dad and loves his kids to pieces - set them up in NY etc. Still funny. My and dh went to second tier state schools, so Cornell is really impressive to us.

Sometimes I wonder if these people are humble-bragging.

Nope. These people are really crazy. Gary Schteyngart (well known novelist, Russian immigrant) wrote about in his memoirs about how his parents told him "With grades like that, you'll end up at Cornell, or UPenn," said as if a normal parent replaced those colleges with "washing dishes at a third-rate Applebee's in Schenectady."

[Anonymous]

So glad I'm not delusional and my kids really *are* exceptional..

[Anonymous]

Hi I’m new

[Anonymous]

I suggest you google the Dunning-Kruger effect. Probably translates to one's kids as well as one's self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were both overachievers and attended ivy leagues. We have very high expectations of our children. I am actually often disappointed that my kids don't stand out. They are very bright and I love them to pieces. I know it probably isn't fair to set the bar so high. DH and I would be disappointed if our kids did not attend an ivy league, specifically HYP. I would not want my kids to know this though. I want them to be happy. I always praise them.

Oh my goodness. It always stuns me when I encounter Ivy League grads and realize how much they buy into the mythology that Ivy Leaguers are better than everyone else. I would consider myself pretty successful, I have a well-paying, impactful job, and my conclusion from my life experience is how much LESS it matters where you go to college than I thought it did. You seem to have made the opposite conclusion, to your children's detriment (if they haven't noticed yet, they will).

Unfortunately I've encountered several Ivy Leaguers whose elitism shows, and it's not a good thing. Sure, they are able to get hired into leadership positions by people who care more about appearances than anything else, but I have twice been on interview panels that rejected Ivy Leaguers because they had bad attitudes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never run into parents like these. I know one parent who brags how great her child is at ice skating.....and she really is. Not delusional.

I have quite often. I know I should just laugh at them (to myself - would never be rude) but it bothers me how delusional they are so I get it OP.

[Anonymous]

Op, in every group there are going to be a small minority who are difficult, boorish, have personality disorders, etc. why should affluent parents in nw be an exception to this pattern?