what leads parents to be completely delusional about their kids' abilities?

[Anonymous]

As for the ivy talk -- if your kid is in about 3rd-4th grade, it'll work itself out by 9th-10th grade so ignore it for another 5 yrs.

From personal experience, there were a LOT of kids who did really well in elementary school and well in middle school. It honestly isn't hard to be a straight A student if you're of medium intelligence, you try, and you're in a home where grades/homework etc. are emphasized. That makes parents think "oh my kid is a genius" he's gotten straight As for 8 straight yrs.

The ivy bound kids start to separate themselves by 9th-10th grade though. In part because they really have to bust their a$$ if they want to even have a legit shot for an ivy, and that's not something (most) parents can mandate -- unless they are tiger parents. The kids themselves need to be willing to take 15 APs and get As in them, be a leader at school/sports/community. It's a rare kind of kid that will work that hard for the small % chance of acceptance.

There were many who were consistently straight A students in elementary who by high school were ranked in the 50th percentile. I don't mean to suggest they weren't smart -- they were. But they chose other things. Some decided they had a passion for one thing -- say science -- and would devour any and all science opportunities but were ok being in honors level classes for everything else. Some were told their parents couldn't afford out of state/ivy, so they figured -- why kill myself for it. Some discovered that they didn't mind being in state or frankly found a "passion" for video games or sports or dating or being popular or whatever and school was back burner. Point is -- as much as a parent can insist their child is ivy bound, with an acceptance rate that has hovered at the 7% mark or lower for the last 10 yrs -- I wouldn't make anything of it until the kid is holding a signed letter from admissions a decade from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have met one parent like this. We had both come with our children to observe another child's violin class, as is tradition before enrolling in that particular music school.

She declared to us all that her young daughter was very talented and very musical, and the teacher, the other parent and I managed to keep a straight face.

You sound like a jerk. Maybe the kid is talented and musical. Or maybe the mom said it in front of the kid to build her up if she was nervous to perform in front of strangers.

Thank you for your assessment of my character! I return the compliment.
The child in question was observing someone else's class prior to enrolling, as you would have known had you actually read correctly.
My point is that even if this child was talented and musical, it was bad form for the parent to declare it.
My cousin has a stratospheric IQ and is highly accomplished, and she recalls cringing every time her mother would make a big deal of it in public.

[Anonymous]

Who dictates where their kid will go to college when they are in elementary school?

Most parents I know are quite realistic about how their kid is doing and where their strengths and weaknesses are. My 5 year old (currently) has exceptional academic ability for his age. He is years ahead of his classmates and has tested above 99th percentile. Most of my friends don't know this but they do know him and it's pretty obvious. His physical abilities are pretty bad and I can't imagine anyone ever trying to suggest that he is the best player on the team (if he in fact played on one).

My youngest child is delayed in many areas. I'm well aware of this, just as I am aware that his brother is, right now, showing signs of being highly gifted (academically). Older kid may not keep it up, younger kid may catch up or even exceed his brothers abilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were both overachievers and attended ivy leagues. We have very high expectations of our children. I am actually often disappointed that my kids don't stand out. They are very bright and I love them to pieces. I know it probably isn't fair to set the bar so high. DH and I would be disappointed if our kids did not attend an ivy league, specifically HYP. I would not want my kids to know this though. I want them to be happy. I always praise them.

I hope you praise them for effort and not for being "very bright". All the research points that praise in and of itself is not effective.

[Anonymous]

I have met a number of parents like this. Annoying! I don't discuss my kids with others. I deeply believe many people in this area lack any interpersonal skills/social awareness. Most people are genuinely uninterested in anything beyond bragging about themselves or their kids. You just have to let them yammer on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As for the ivy talk -- if your kid is in about 3rd-4th grade, it'll work itself out by 9th-10th grade so ignore it for another 5 yrs.

From personal experience, there were a LOT of kids who did really well in elementary school and well in middle school. It honestly isn't hard to be a straight A student if you're of medium intelligence, you try, and you're in a home where grades/homework etc. are emphasized. That makes parents think "oh my kid is a genius" he's gotten straight As for 8 straight yrs.

The ivy bound kids start to separate themselves by 9th-10th grade though. In part because they really have to bust their a$$ if they want to even have a legit shot for an ivy, and that's not something (most) parents can mandate -- unless they are tiger parents. The kids themselves need to be willing to take 15 APs and get As in them, be a leader at school/sports/community. It's a rare kind of kid that will work that hard for the small % chance of acceptance.

There were many who were consistently straight A students in elementary who by high school were ranked in the 50th percentile. I don't mean to suggest they weren't smart -- they were. But they chose other things. Some decided they had a passion for one thing -- say science -- and would devour any and all science opportunities but were ok being in honors level classes for everything else. Some were told their parents couldn't afford out of state/ivy, so they figured -- why kill myself for it. Some discovered that they didn't mind being in state or frankly found a "passion" for video games or sports or dating or being popular or whatever and school was back burner. Point is -- as much as a parent can insist their child is ivy bound, with an acceptance rate that has hovered at the 7% mark or lower for the last 10 yrs -- I wouldn't make anything of it until the kid is holding a signed letter from admissions a decade from now.

Totally agree. And sometimes the less apparently gifted kids catch up. I wasn't selected for the gifted program in elementary school. In fact I was denied admission to the school (private school) altogether the first time I applied (in kindergarten). But I worked hard and my grades gradually crept up, and between 8th and 9th grades it was like a switch was thrown and I suddenly understood how to study, understood the material I'd been missing, etc. I graduated first in my class and went to Harvard and did well there. I'm sure there were plenty of kids in my school who had more native smarts -- probably the ones selected for the gifted program in third grade -- but they didn't all go to Ivies because they didn't put in the effort, or they found other things of importance, etc. I really don't see how you can know what track your kid will be on before they're 11 or 12 at the earliest, 14 or 15 more likely. And I know plenty of people who didn't go to Ivies who are doing just as well or better than I am, and are probably happier, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As for the ivy talk -- if your kid is in about 3rd-4th grade, it'll work itself out by 9th-10th grade so ignore it for another 5 yrs.

From personal experience, there were a LOT of kids who did really well in elementary school and well in middle school. It honestly isn't hard to be a straight A student if you're of medium intelligence, you try, and you're in a home where grades/homework etc. are emphasized. That makes parents think "oh my kid is a genius" he's gotten straight As for 8 straight yrs.

The ivy bound kids start to separate themselves by 9th-10th grade though. In part because they really have to bust their a$$ if they want to even have a legit shot for an ivy, and that's not something (most) parents can mandate -- unless they are tiger parents. The kids themselves need to be willing to take 15 APs and get As in them, be a leader at school/sports/community. It's a rare kind of kid that will work that hard for the small % chance of acceptance.

There were many who were consistently straight A students in elementary who by high school were ranked in the 50th percentile. I don't mean to suggest they weren't smart -- they were. But they chose other things. Some decided they had a passion for one thing -- say science -- and would devour any and all science opportunities but were ok being in honors level classes for everything else. Some were told their parents couldn't afford out of state/ivy, so they figured -- why kill myself for it. Some discovered that they didn't mind being in state or frankly found a "passion" for video games or sports or dating or being popular or whatever and school was back burner. Point is -- as much as a parent can insist their child is ivy bound, with an acceptance rate that has hovered at the 7% mark or lower for the last 10 yrs -- I wouldn't make anything of it until the kid is holding a signed letter from admissions a decade from now.

Totally agree. And sometimes the less apparently gifted kids catch up. I wasn't selected for the gifted program in elementary school. In fact I was denied admission to the school (private school) altogether the first time I applied (in kindergarten). But I worked hard and my grades gradually crept up, and between 8th and 9th grades it was like a switch was thrown and I suddenly understood how to study, understood the material I'd been missing, etc. I graduated first in my class and went to Harvard and did well there. I'm sure there were plenty of kids in my school who had more native smarts -- probably the ones selected for the gifted program in third grade -- but they didn't all go to Ivies because they didn't put in the effort, or they found other things of importance, etc. I really don't see how you can know what track your kid will be on before they're 11 or 12 at the earliest, 14 or 15 more likely. And I know plenty of people who didn't go to Ivies who are doing just as well or better than I am, and are probably happier, too!

I agree. I have a similar story. And all the more reason why OP shouldn't be assuming that she can tell who the academic standouts are in third or fourth grade. That's absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As for the ivy talk -- if your kid is in about 3rd-4th grade, it'll work itself out by 9th-10th grade so ignore it for another 5 yrs.

From personal experience, there were a LOT of kids who did really well in elementary school and well in middle school. It honestly isn't hard to be a straight A student if you're of medium intelligence, you try, and you're in a home where grades/homework etc. are emphasized. That makes parents think "oh my kid is a genius" he's gotten straight As for 8 straight yrs.

The ivy bound kids start to separate themselves by 9th-10th grade though. In part because they really have to bust their a$$ if they want to even have a legit shot for an ivy, and that's not something (most) parents can mandate -- unless they are tiger parents. The kids themselves need to be willing to take 15 APs and get As in them, be a leader at school/sports/community. It's a rare kind of kid that will work that hard for the small % chance of acceptance.

There were many who were consistently straight A students in elementary who by high school were ranked in the 50th percentile. I don't mean to suggest they weren't smart -- they were. But they chose other things. Some decided they had a passion for one thing -- say science -- and would devour any and all science opportunities but were ok being in honors level classes for everything else. Some were told their parents couldn't afford out of state/ivy, so they figured -- why kill myself for it. Some discovered that they didn't mind being in state or frankly found a "passion" for video games or sports or dating or being popular or whatever and school was back burner. Point is -- as much as a parent can insist their child is ivy bound, with an acceptance rate that has hovered at the 7% mark or lower for the last 10 yrs -- I wouldn't make anything of it until the kid is holding a signed letter from admissions a decade from now.

Totally agree. And sometimes the less apparently gifted kids catch up. I wasn't selected for the gifted program in elementary school. In fact I was denied admission to the school (private school) altogether the first time I applied (in kindergarten). But I worked hard and my grades gradually crept up, and between 8th and 9th grades it was like a switch was thrown and I suddenly understood how to study, understood the material I'd been missing, etc. I graduated first in my class and went to Harvard and did well there. I'm sure there were plenty of kids in my school who had more native smarts -- probably the ones selected for the gifted program in third grade -- but they didn't all go to Ivies because they didn't put in the effort, or they found other things of importance, etc. I really don't see how you can know what track your kid will be on before they're 11 or 12 at the earliest, 14 or 15 more likely. And I know plenty of people who didn't go to Ivies who are doing just as well or better than I am, and are probably happier, too!

I'm the PP you quoted and same for me. I wasn't selected for the gifted program in elementary, nor was I selected for national junior honor society in middle (whatever the junior high equivalent of national honor society is), nor did I get great scores on the SAT in 7th-8th grade where the "natively" smart kids all got invited to the summer program at Hopkins. But it's like in 9th grade the switch flipped -- took all the APs I was allowed to take and finished #2 in my class of 400 that yr. Somehow was able to maintain that until the fall of senior yr so I applied early decision to an ivy and got in. In HS I got the reputation for being smart but more than that for out working everyone else -- I honestly don't think I was the natively intelligent person that everyone would expect to go to an Ivy. And yes there are people who are far far happier than me -- I know that for a fact. So to make an ivy a priority in 4th grade is ridiculous and OP I'd frankly just ignore that discussion or come up with a few standard "that's great" comments that'll get you through the next 5 yrs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its more about them than their child.

+1

Good God, OP. Come to McLean and see the parents from over crowded and/or third world countries overcompensate (understatement). Tiger moms are desperate psychos, and resort to gossiping about the white folk who have actually made it on their own merit. What an offing concept.

"Making it on your own merit? We won't tolerate that!" "Especially in their own country!" "I expect them to play by MY (clearly superior) rules!" Gimme an offing break. This is no Communist state.

When in Rome, baby.

[Anonymous]

"I really don't see how you can know what track your kid will be on before they're 11 or 12 at the earliest, 14 or 15 more likely. And I know plenty of people who didn't go to Ivies who are doing just as well or better than I am, and are probably happier, too!"

Good God. All the money that goes into Tiger Mom resources and organizations and tracking should only read this. And grasp it. How many Tiger Kids would be thankful?

[Anonymous]

DO posters realize it is Yale or Fail for some parents? The same parents who would not admit it out loud?

It really is all about appearances, sadly! I feel for the kids, seriously. It is not that far from sheer abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never run into parents like these. I know one parent who brags how great her child is at ice skating.....and she really is. Not delusional.

Same. And I don't consider it "bragging" either. If you know people who are juniors in high school, these conversations come up naturally. We have a friend whose daughter is being recruited by Harvard, Dartmouth, etc for track. Her father attended an Ivy but he's leaving the decision up to his daughter.

Not delusional and not bragging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO posters realize it is Yale or Fail for some parents? The same parents who would not admit it out loud?

It really is all about appearances, sadly! I feel for the kids, seriously. It is not that far from sheer abuse.

I feel bad for the kids because their parents' expectation for them is something that is next to impossible. Don't know offhand what Yale's admit rate is but I don't imagine it's more than 5-6%. So it's possible to be awesome but still not get in. Except when that's all your parents have wanted for you since you were 5 and maybe they've put it in your head your whole life that it's ivy or bust -- they're basically setting you up for disappointment if you are not the chosen one that gets in.

Expectations can be something a child can achieve -- a college education, a career, maybe even a Top 25-50 university, some kind of happiness/fulfillment. But to focus the child's entire world on 8 schools is a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never run into this in north Arlington and unclear why you would let it bother you besides

No, parents in North Arlington definitely don't have high ambitions for their kids. Very much a noncompetetive vibe there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its more about them than their child.

+1

Good God, OP. Come to McLean and see the parents from over crowded and/or third world countries overcompensate (understatement). Tiger moms are desperate psychos, and resort to gossiping about the white folk who have actually made it on their own merit. What an offing concept.

"Making it on your own merit? We won't tolerate that!" "Especially in their own country!" "I expect them to play by MY (clearly superior) rules!" Gimme an offing break. This is no Communist state.

When in Rome, baby.

This is unintelligible.