Son with ASD banned from Grandmother's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: That is NOT bitch behavior. It is a person taking care of her emotional well being. Just because someone is a grown up does not mean they aught to get their feelings hurt OVER AND OVER AGAIN (!!!). It wasn't a one time question. It went on for a while.

Wow! Please go back to the General Parenting board. A grown woman cuts off contact with her grandson because she can't handle questions like "Does Grandma miss her dog?" from an austistic 7 year old, and you're concerned with HER emotional well-being?!?! Obviously you don't have any experience with austistic kids or you would know that "over and over again" is pretty much the most common characteristic of ASD. Not an excuse, just a fact. OP said they try to redirect him and tell him not to talk about it. They are trying. Grandma isn't. That's bitch behavior.

I am the PP quoted. I am diagnosed with Asperger's. I am a grown woman. If one of our cats died it would be the same for me as it might be for you to lose your child. I could not stand to constantly be reminded and asked about it. I would certainly consider requesting a break from that to help me get over the first initial time of grief.

Nobody but the person himself/herself can judge how much something impacts their life emotionally. I often don't understand why stuff bothers people...the same goes for others understanding things that really bother me. You keep repeating something that is not true: Grandma WAS trying. She didn't loose it the first time the question came up. And nobody but herself has any idea how hard it actually is for her to deal with the repeated questions. Just because she is old and the son is young doesn't mean anything. Anything at all.

Autism is different for everyone and clearly your symptoms are different that of the OP. The other difference is you are an adult who has learned to filter things and this child has not had those life experiences yet even though it clearly sounds as if mom is trying.

I am not saying the child is doing something wrong. I am just saying that just because the child has autism and can not stop asking those questions that does not mean that MIL shouldn't have a problem with the subject being brought up again and again. Knowing that my broken leg will heal in 6 weeks does not make it hurt less right now - just because she knows it's not his intention to hurt her does not change the fact that mentioning her dead dog hurts her. Why is that so hard for people to understand?!

We all very much understand that it is hard for her but it isn't something that the child can help. So, basically mom is at an all or nothing - either kids stops which they have tried and its not working or they stop the relationship with MIL.

Every time my child goes into the nursing home to see my MIL (at least weekly) he will comment on something and ask again and again so I get where OP is at. He is just trying to figure it all out given how his brain works. He will constantly ask "where is the woman's teeth" - he asked the woman and the daughter said she didn't brush them well as a child, and it was great as now he brushes them for that woman. I wish I could do a mute button at times and I do try too but sometimes it just comes out, over and over again.

Why is it always black and white for people? MIL didn't say she never wanted to see the child again. It is VERY clear that she spoke out of a momentary need situation. She asked not to bring him until he can stop asking these questions. She couldn't take it anymore. The answer is not to never see her again or to hate her for needing a break. Seriously? The answer is to talk calmly to her, voice that you understand that the questions remind her of the dead dog and that you're sorry that it makes her feel so sad...acknowledging that it's a problem for her might be all she needs. And then try to come up with a plan together. No need for the Mom to do it all and know it all.

"MIL, what if next time we meet outside while going for a walk - maybe not sitting at the living room table for 3 hours will be enough distraction to DC to not ask all the time?"
"MIL, I am so sorry DC keeps asking I just want you to know that it's not to hurt you, it's because of his autism - I am trying my best to redirect, maybe you have an idea I haven't thought of yet?"
"MIL, maybe we'll not come over for a week (or however long would be considered a break, considering how often you usually visit) and see if it helps us all calm down a bit and regain some strength."

You and your DC are not the only two people involved in this and respecting and honoring EVERYBODY'S emotions in a situation like this might just be the answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably spoke in haste out of frustration. Keep him home, but do let her know that you'll bring him whenever she changes her mind. She'll be missing him soon, and you don't want her pride standing in the way of their connection.

+1

[Anonymous]

This thread is to me the perfect example of why Kids With Special Needs should be taken out of Recent Topics. We have asked Jeff to do it but too many people, including SN moms, said no. Here we have toxic posts from people without special needs kids and without any knowledge of autism that are really mean and damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is to me the perfect example of why Kids With Special Needs should be taken out of Recent Topics. We have asked Jeff to do it but too many people, including SN moms, said no. Here we have toxic posts from people without special needs kids and without any knowledge of autism that are really mean and damaging.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is to me the perfect example of why Kids With Special Needs should be taken out of Recent Topics. We have asked Jeff to do it but too many people, including SN moms, said no. Here we have toxic posts from people without special needs kids and without any knowledge of autism that are really mean and damaging.

+1

+ 1 as well, though I have no opinion on where this forum should be located. But parents with SN kids, especially on the spectrum, frequently have to discover and re-discover how poorly understood these issues are by others. And as parents, we learn to develop alternative strategies to correct behaviors that might otherwise lead one to simple Pavolvian discipline or even to anger.

The fact is that when kids get "stuck" in these modes, they are often struggling and most in need of patience and guidance. And positive reinforcement is often several times more effective than criticism and punishment. I'm sure there was many a time the parents of this child had to put aside their own perfectly valid emotions for a bit and to guide their child through something, because merely declaring one's "right" to be upset/angry/sad accomplishes exactly squat.

This grandmother may not "get" all of that, and she may miss her beloved dog, but she's an adult, and if she's a socially functioning adult, there's no reason to tolerate her making snippier and snippier comments and ultimately telling this child, who was expressing concern about her emotions, not to talk to her. The parents can take a crack at explaining this to the grandmother if they wish, but if this grandmother is inclined to indulge her desire to be pissy with a child who is visibly struggling, the parents need not tolerate that, irrespective of the grandmother's mourning for her lost pet. I'm sorry, but the dog is gone; this is a real live child, and a grandchild no less, in person and struggling in front of you. If your heart is closed to that, then you needn't be around the child -- for the child's own protection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You calling your MIL a 'bitch' speaks worlds...

Bullshit. What kind of grandparent bans her own grandchild from her house because he's asking her questions? The old woman is a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: That is NOT bitch behavior. It is a person taking care of her emotional well being. Just because someone is a grown up does not mean they aught to get their feelings hurt OVER AND OVER AGAIN (!!!). It wasn't a one time question. It went on for a while.

Wow! Please go back to the General Parenting board. A grown woman cuts off contact with her grandson because she can't handle questions like "Does Grandma miss her dog?" from an austistic 7 year old, and you're concerned with HER emotional well-being?!?! Obviously you don't have any experience with austistic kids or you would know that "over and over again" is pretty much the most common characteristic of ASD. Not an excuse, just a fact. OP said they try to redirect him and tell him not to talk about it. They are trying. Grandma isn't. That's bitch behavior.

I am the PP quoted. I am diagnosed with Asperger's. I am a grown woman. If one of our cats died it would be the same for me as it might be for you to lose your child. I could not stand to constantly be reminded and asked about it. I would certainly consider requesting a break from that to help me get over the first initial time of grief.

Nobody but the person himself/herself can judge how much something impacts their life emotionally. I often don't understand why stuff bothers people...the same goes for others understanding things that really bother me. You keep repeating something that is not true: Grandma WAS trying. She didn't loose it the first time the question came up. And nobody but herself has any idea how hard it actually is for her to deal with the repeated questions. Just because she is old and the son is young doesn't mean anything. Anything at all.

Autism is different for everyone and clearly your symptoms are different that of the OP. The other difference is you are an adult who has learned to filter things and this child has not had those life experiences yet even though it clearly sounds as if mom is trying.

I am not saying the child is doing something wrong. I am just saying that just because the child has autism and can not stop asking those questions that does not mean that MIL shouldn't have a problem with the subject being brought up again and again. Knowing that my broken leg will heal in 6 weeks does not make it hurt less right now - just because she knows it's not his intention to hurt her does not change the fact that mentioning her dead dog hurts her. Why is that so hard for people to understand?!

She's a grown woman acting like a petulant child towards her young grandson and banishing him from her home for no good reason. You must have had times when your children drove you batty with their illogical behavior--did you banish them from your house? I find it utterly bizarre that you don't view her behavior as completely selfish.
Of course if you haven't had children yet, you're not even qualified to take part in this discussion. Come back when you've raised a couple of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. I cut off all contact with my own mother after we caught her calling our HFA DS "a retard" and "spoiled brat." She hasn't seen or heard from any of us in 10 years. I am still in touch with my siblings who on occasion ask me to "forgive and forget". Some people just shouldn't be anywhere near children.

Oh, and this "spoiled brat"? We moved him into the dorms last weekend. Honors Program, no less. Take that, mommy dearest.

You are an awesome parent. Congratulations on a job well done. Congrats to your ds and his accomplishments.
Meanwhile, there is a special hell meant for your mother...