Son with ASD banned from Grandmother's

[Anonymous]

Can you review it with him in the car before he walks into her house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me appreciate my own MIL who very patiently and lovingly answers all my son's questions about his grandfather death after 58 yrs of marriage. My DS is also seven and on the spectrum and admittedly not the most sensitive child.

Or, maybe that is his way of being sensitive and expressing his hurt for the situation and wanting to know she is ok. All depends on which angle you are looking at it.

[Anonymous]

Has your son read the book Lifetimes? Lovely book about the cycle of life.

[Anonymous]

"High functioning" means an IQ over 70 and usually verbal. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me appreciate my own MIL who very patiently and lovingly answers all my son's questions about his grandfather death after 58 yrs of marriage. My DS is also seven and on the spectrum and admittedly not the most sensitive child.

Or, maybe that is his way of being sensitive and expressing his hurt for the situation and wanting to know she is ok. All depends on which angle you are looking at it.

No. He isn't close to his grandparents, they live far away, and is mostly expressing his curiosity about death... Grandma knows this but is patient and loving anyway b/c it's normal for young children to ask questions about death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"High functioning" means an IQ over 70 and usually verbal. That's it.

Are you kidding right? No, for autism it usually means they are at the marginally autistic with more feature and function fine. Many of these kids have much higher IQs and are very bright.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a behavior therapist for your son? They could work out a plan to address this perserverative behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 7 and has very high-functioning autism. My MIL's dog of 4 years died 2.5 months ago and my son asks about the dog every time we see her, about 3-4 times a month. "Does Grandma miss him?" "Is she sad?" usually 3-5 questions and he moves on......I realize it is terribly annoying, but don’t think MIL is that emotionally upset about the dog since she got a “replacement” within two weeks. We always direct my son to something else and tell him not to ask about the dog that is upsets Grandma. My son very rarely initiations conversations with others so I hate that we have to censor what he does do but I understand it bothers her. Each visit she has gotten progressively more hostile, starting with short answers, to ignoring him, to at the last visit she told him not to talk to her. Well, upon leaving, MIL told us not to bring him back until he stops asking about the dog, however long that takes. Honestly, I am fine with that, my husband not so much and he wants to work it out. My suggestion was that I would stay at home while they visit the bitch (oops, mean MIL) and he could deal with the consequences. But, I worry either my son and/or my MIL will permanently damage their relationship.

So….what to do?

It sounds like YOU are insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"High functioning" means an IQ over 70 and usually verbal. That's it.

Are you kidding right? No, for autism it usually means they are at the marginally autistic with more feature and function fine. Many of these kids have much higher IQs and are very bright.

I don't usually make fun of written English because my child struggles terribly in that area. But then my child would never viciously moralize about someone else's disability, so here goes: Since you can barely string words together with ant comprehensible meaning, why would anyone think you have anything authoritative or meaningful to say about autism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"High functioning" means an IQ over 70 and usually verbal. That's it.

Are you kidding right? No, for autism it usually means they are at the marginally autistic with more feature and function fine. Many of these kids have much higher IQs and are very bright.

No, for autism it means they do not have an intellectual disability. Some are quite bright but many people considered high functioning are not geniuses by any means. They have average to above average IQs. This confusion is one of the reasons I'm glad they got rid of the Aspergers diagnosis. My DS has AS and actually is quite bright. But many kids with AS are expected to be these little geniuses and they aren't. They're just kids with autism who don't have an intellectual disability.

Now often having a higher IQ does correspond with greater functionality. Those kids are better able to respond to therapies and interventions. But we're talking about two different scales here. One is functional and one is intellectual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"High functioning" means an IQ over 70 and usually verbal. That's it.

Are you kidding right? No, for autism it usually means they are at the marginally autistic with more feature and function fine. Many of these kids have much higher IQs and are very bright.

The diagnostic term that indicates this is "mild," not "high functioning." If your child is marginally autistic, they have a mild autism spectrum disorder.

"High functioning" means that they have an IQ that is 70 or better. As PP said, the better the IQ, the better the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Children with all types of disabilities can get "stuck" on a question if they have a high interest in it or are trying to mentally sort it out -- even kids without disabilities can do this.

Sorry about Grandmother being so insensitive , though!

[Anonymous]

It is not unusual for a child this age to ask repeated questions along these lines, without considering how it feels to the other person to hear it. Our DC certainly has done this, and we have continued to work with DC on understanding how their conduct is perceived by others. That is a general issue and not specific to this particular subject.

I agree with the others on this thread that the principal issue here is with the MIL, not with your child. Your child is at the stage of development that he is, and adults are either willing to understand and sympathize with his journey or they aren't. Obviously, it's not beneficial to your child to be around someone who isn't able to cut him some slack for where he is developmentally. And I would certainly hope that any sensitive adult would see these questions as actually expressing concern about your grandmother. Truly, if she really thought about it, she would be overjoyed that a child with social cognition challenges thinks enough about her to care about whether she is sad. That is gold.

My recommendation would be to approach MIL one time, and to say -- look, this is where he is, we are working with him on his social skills, but we can't wish him into a more advanced stage of social development than where he is, it's a work in progress. We hope that you understand that he is asking these things because he cares about you. If you can bring yourself to understand and appreciate that, then we'd love for you two to be together. But if you can't, then by all means we'll stay away until he is at a more advanced stage.

This would leave several things unspoken that I think are very real: one is that you'd be staying away for HIS protection, not for hers. And also that she needs to think about whether her sensitivities over the loss of her dog trump her compassion for her grandchild; and whether she really wants to cut a grandchild out of her life even temporarily given that none of us know how long we'll be around.

[Anonymous]

PP here, I meant "his grandmother," not yours. Still need my coffee this AM.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. I cut off all contact with my own mother after we caught her calling our HFA DS "a retard" and "spoiled brat." She hasn't seen or heard from any of us in 10 years. I am still in touch with my siblings who on occasion ask me to "forgive and forget". Some people just shouldn't be anywhere near children.

Oh, and this "spoiled brat"? We moved him into the dorms last weekend. Honors Program, no less. Take that, mommy dearest.