Son with ASD banned from Grandmother's
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Anonymous
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OP here: Thanks for all the support. Don't worry about the poster with the "not that high functioning" comment, honestly the comeback was so great it was worth it.
I think I'm going to tell my husband all the great suggested topics to try and talk with his mother (after all it is his mom & his kid). His parents are not empathetic or sympathetic people at all so don't know how much good it will do. If it helps great, if not hopefully my husband will appreciate what that means- - less time with the grandparents. Should I work on helping my son understand not everyone presents emotions the same way or in ways that aren't obvious? I think some of the problem is that grandma doesn't seem/look/sound sad so he is confused that her words that don't match her actions. My concern is that it contradicts a lot of the training/therapy we have worked and not sure if he is at a point that it wouldn't confuse him. Terribly selfish of me but I just hope my FIL doesn't die anytime soon, imagine all the questions then. |
Anonymous
This made my day. |
Anonymous
My layperson's response is yes, though you might discover that this is a bridge too far right now. But if he's asking about whether she is sad, then clearly he is already thinking about it. I don't know how your child learns best but with ours I used to draw stories with thought bubbles to help them get a sense of what people might be thinking. Perhaps a picture of your grandmother with a thought bubble that says, "I'm really sad about my dog, but I will try not to show it so that we can all have a nice time and think about happy things." |
Anonymous
 Yay for you, guys!
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Anonymous
| My (mostly) neurotypical kids do this kind of thing all the time. So, I would say MIL is maybe a bit out of touch about kids and perhaps needs a break. Maybe it is annoying and maybe it's good of her to ask for a break but man she does sound like a piece of work. |
Anonymous
| I think all of us with kids with disabilities/serious special needs struggle with our parents in some ways. At least those few who have parents who "get it" and are truly supportive are so, so fortunate. I know with my parents and my daughter with CP it's a constant struggle to try to get them to understand her physical limitations and yet still give her credit for what she can do and treat her like a person. I constantly have to deal with "She understands that? She remembers that? She knows what that means?" about the most basic concepts like The Derecho or going to the Shore last year. It's as if they think she's a vegetable. |
Anonymous
We had a similar situation. MIL said some pretty mean things to DS. We still speak to her though--DH speaks to her. I really do not. DH basically told her off/read her the riot act. She does not understand DS's issues at all, but at least now she is nice to him. |
Anonymous
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You calling your MIL a 'bitch' speaks worlds...
You don't know how much the death of her dog bothers her. Only she knows that. She might not talk about it because it hurts too much. She might have gotten a new dog right away because she's hoping it will distract her. Etc. Don't judge people based on what you THINK is true. She went from answering his questions to not wanting to talk about it not within one day but a longer period of time. Obviously it bothers her to constantly be reminded of her dead dog. Instead of blaming her for that and making your child look like an angel, try her point of view for a change? It's NEITHER your sons fault for asking continuously NOR your MILs fault for being bothered by it. You expect empathy from her but give none back it seems. Try explaining to your son why grandma can not hear these questions anymore. Explain her pain, grief, that those questions constantly remind her etc. And then ask your son if he thinks he can go visit grandma without asking about the dog. He can ask YOU all he wants as long as grandma isn't around but as we all know it is very important for autistic (and all other) children to learn how others feel and try their best to respect those feelings, no? |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm not that familiar with autism. What your child is saying, seems socially inappropriate to me, for a 7 year old. A 4 year old could be expected to persevere with these types of questions over several months. Not at 7. People are saying that lots of neurotypical kids say these things, but I disagree. Not by school age. They have learned to move on.
But isn't it normal for autistic kids, to do things and say things that are socially inappropriate? That's kind of a definition of autism, right? At least, it is not at all surprising. So I think that's the conversation your husband needs to have with his mom. "Look, Jimbo is autistic, and that means that he will do and say things that may be socially inappropriate. It doesn't mean we aren't working with him if we don't immediately make it stop. We are doing the very best we can. But we can't just make him stop asking questions like this." Maybe it would help for him to show your MIL what types of things and strategies you have found that work for your son. Based on your description of her though, I'm thinking maybe not. If you want to keep up the relationship with the grandma, are there any very straightforward strategies you could use with your son? I/e. bribing him? "Look Jimbo, Grandma really doesn't want any questions about the cat. If you can .get through a visit without talking about the dead cat... I will get you ......?" I dunno, could that work? Seems like this won't be the only time you have to deal with your child saying things that aren't socially appropriate. |
Anonymous
A grown woman who reacts "hostile" to innocent questioning from an autistic 7 year old child ( her own grandson, no less), IS a bitch. The poor kid probably misses the dog and, as with most ASD kids, has hard time finding the right words to express it. So sorry, OP. Hugs to you & your DS. It's the Bitch's loss that the dead dog is more important than her grandson. |
Anonymous
| Have your MIL watch "Temple Gradin". Our DS's HFA was not "real" to them ("can't you get her speech lessons") until I asked them while visiting to watch it. They finally got it then and my mother cried. |
Anonymous
I think you make several excellent points here. That said, while it's not MIL's fault for being bothered by her grandchild's behavior, she is absolutely over the line in telling a socially struggling child not to talk to her, or saying she doesn't want him brought back, especially when he was showing -- however clumsily -- his concern about her feelings. He hurt her by accident because he doesn't know better. Whereas she, an adult, hurt him, a child, on purpose. And there's no excuse for that. |
Anonymous
| This grandmother can go to hell. |
Anonymous
+1 Who does this to their own grandchild especially one with SNs whose diagnosis specifically states that they miss social cues and says inappropriate things? The 7 yr old is autistic. Grandma is a mean bitch. |
Anonymous
Learn your terms. You are confusing "high functioning autism" (I.Q. over 70) with High Functioning Aspergers. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-functioning_autism. While the "spectrum" now includes Aspergers, there is still a difference in diagnosis and terminology. |