Son with ASD banned from Grandmother's

[Anonymous]

To everyone saying the grandma IS a bitch: she did not react with a "Shut up child." the first time he asked her. In fact that's not what she said at all period. She first answered his questions, then answered with one word, then ignored, then asked to stop asking, THEN asked for him not to come back until he stops asking - I am sorry but as a mother OP should have taken her request seriously way before she ever had to react the way she FINALLY did.

MIL tried to deal with the situation more nicely for a while but finally couldn't take it anymore - and since nobody gave a crap about the way she felt, she finally spoke up for herself and said "This is the line, it needs to stop." That is NOT bitch behavior. It is a person taking care of her emotional well being. As a Mom of a special needs child OP should have known that her son has this problem AND should have taken her MIL seriously and tried to work out a solution that works for both parties. SN is an explanation for behaviors but NOT an excuse. If your son can not take the responsibility then you as his mother need to do that for him. Just because someone is a grown up does not mean they aught to get their feelings hurt OVER AND OVER AGAIN (!!!). It wasn't a one time question. It went on for a while.

[Anonymous]

MIL isn't playing with a full deck. I've lost beloved animals and really get how hard it is but can't imagine becoming so bent out of shape that I can't bear to hear it mentioned - and by my own grandson, no less. And to get angry like that, at a young child who is also trying to process and understand the loss - that's just not right. I'm really puzzled by PPs who find her behavior defensible - do you really think it's okay to ban your grandchild from your home until he stops talking about something that clearly has impacted him in some way too? Is MIL really that fragile that she can't handle a child's questions?

What would I do in this situation? I would be appalled, and would feel the need to protect my child from this negativity from his grandparent. I would try to help MIL understand DS's behavior but if the cruelty continued then I wouldn't bring him over anymore. I'm sure there are enough people in OP's life who love and appreciate her DS for who he is and that should be his community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: That is NOT bitch behavior. It is a person taking care of her emotional well being. Just because someone is a grown up does not mean they aught to get their feelings hurt OVER AND OVER AGAIN (!!!). It wasn't a one time question. It went on for a while.

Wow! Please go back to the General Parenting board. A grown woman cuts off contact with her grandson because she can't handle questions like "Does Grandma miss her dog?" from an austistic 7 year old, and you're concerned with HER emotional well-being?!?! Obviously you don't have any experience with austistic kids or you would know that "over and over again" is pretty much the most common characteristic of ASD. Not an excuse, just a fact. OP said they try to redirect him and tell him not to talk about it. They are trying. Grandma isn't. That's bitch behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]MIL isn't playing with a full deck.[/b] I've lost beloved animals and really get how hard it is but can't imagine becoming so bent out of shape that I can't bear to hear it mentioned - and by my own grandson, no less. And to get angry like that, at a young child who is also trying to process and understand the loss - that's just not right. I'm really puzzled by PPs who find her behavior defensible - do you really think it's okay to ban your grandchild from your home until he stops talking about something that clearly has impacted him in some way too? Is MIL really that fragile that she can't handle a child's questions?

What would I do in this situation? I would be appalled, and would feel the need to protect my child from this negativity from his grandparent. I would try to help MIL understand DS's behavior but if the cruelty continued then I wouldn't bring him over anymore. I'm sure there are enough people in OP's life who love and appreciate her DS for who he is and that should be his community.

You may have something there. When my FIL starting acting peculiar and not like the reasonable adult that he had been, it turned out he was at the beginning stage of Alzheimer's.

[Anonymous]

People deal with loss and mourn differently. Some people become very, very attached to their pets. If she lived alone, the dog may have been her primary companionship. Or if she got the dog after another loss of a family member she might have become very emotionally attached to the dog. That kind of loss can be very hard on a pet owner. And it's only been 2.5 months. Despite the fact that she got "a replacement" for the dog, she can still be mourning. People don't love sequentially. You don't just get over one pet because you have a new one. The new pet and companionship help to ease the loss, but it's still a loss. She'll still have memories of things that the deceased pet did. If you lost a close friend, but made a new friend a few weeks after, did you just forget the friend you lost because you replaced her?

I think in fairness, you need to give MIL some room for at least a few more months to grieve in her own way. After 2-3 months, ask if she's feeling better and if she can handle visits with her grandchild again. Chances are, the wounds are still fresh and having them opened weekly by her grandchild's age and condition appropriate questions are just rubbing her emotions raw. After a few months, hopefully she'll be past that stage of mourning and will be able to handle the series of questions about the dog each time she visits. If your son asks, just say that Grandma really misses her dog and needs some time to recover before she is ready to talk about the dog, so your family (you, husband and son) will just leave her alone and after some time, you'll visit with her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. I cut off all contact with my own mother after we caught her calling our HFA DS "a retard" and "spoiled brat." She hasn't seen or heard from any of us in 10 years. I am still in touch with my siblings who on occasion ask me to "forgive and forget". Some people just shouldn't be anywhere near children.

Oh, and this "spoiled brat"? We moved him into the dorms last weekend. Honors Program, no less. Take that, mommy dearest.

What a horrible thing to say. Glad he's progressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People deal with loss and mourn differently. Some people become very, very attached to their pets. If she lived alone, the dog may have been her primary companionship. Or if she got the dog after another loss of a family member she might have become very emotionally attached to the dog. That kind of loss can be very hard on a pet owner. And it's only been 2.5 months. Despite the fact that she got "a replacement" for the dog, she can still be mourning. People don't love sequentially. You don't just get over one pet because you have a new one. The new pet and companionship help to ease the loss, but it's still a loss. She'll still have memories of things that the deceased pet did. If you lost a close friend, but made a new friend a few weeks after, did you just forget the friend you lost because you replaced her?

I think in fairness, you need to give MIL some room for at least a few more months to grieve in her own way. After 2-3 months, ask if she's feeling better and if she can handle visits with her grandchild again. Chances are, the wounds are still fresh and having them opened weekly by her grandchild's age and condition appropriate questions are just rubbing her emotions raw. After a few months, hopefully she'll be past that stage of mourning and will be able to handle the series of questions about the dog each time she visits. If your son asks, just say that Grandma really misses her dog and needs some time to recover before she is ready to talk about the dog, so your family (you, husband and son) will just leave her alone and after some time, you'll visit with her again.

Mourning the loss of a pet does not make it okay to ban her grandchild from her house for asking some benign questions!! Unless she is mentally I'll, which is possible. How are people not seeing the absurdity of MIL's behavior? I cannot fathom this at all!! I'm stunned and kind of disgusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"High functioning" means an IQ over 70 and usually verbal. That's it.

Learn your terms. You are confusing "high functioning autism" (I.Q. over 70) with High Functioning Aspergers. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-functioning_autism. While the "spectrum" now includes Aspergers, there is still a difference in diagnosis and terminology.

Wow. You cited Wikipedia. You win the Internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"High functioning" means an IQ over 70 and usually verbal. That's it.

Learn your terms. You are confusing "high functioning autism" (I.Q. over 70) with High Functioning Aspergers. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-functioning_autism. While the "spectrum" now includes Aspergers, there is still a difference in diagnosis and terminology.

Wow. You cited Wikipedia. You win the Internet.

The spectrum always include Asperger's. There was confusion among the diagnostic terms, even among professionals, so they consolidated the labels into one and added severity indicators. Under the old label, kids could have autism and still be verbal, just impaired. My son had words; he just didn't use them. He had significant impairments in both receptive and expressive language, as well as pragmatics. Despite that he hit all of his milestones on time. He had words; he just didn't use words. Because he had an impairment in his receptive and expressive language, he was met the criteria for autism, not Asperger's syndrome. Because his IQ tested at 120+, he was diagnosed as "high functioning."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying the grandma IS a bitch: she did not react with a "Shut up child." the first time he asked her. In fact that's not what she said at all period. She first answered his questions, then answered with one word, then ignored, then asked to stop asking, THEN asked for him not to come back until he stops asking - I am sorry but as a mother OP should have taken her request seriously way before she ever had to react the way she FINALLY did.

MIL tried to deal with the situation more nicely for a while but finally couldn't take it anymore - and since nobody gave a crap about the way she felt, she finally spoke up for herself and said "This is the line, it needs to stop." That is NOT bitch behavior. It is a person taking care of her emotional well being. As a Mom of a special needs child OP should have known that her son has this problem AND should have taken her MIL seriously and tried to work out a solution that works for both parties. SN is an explanation for behaviors but NOT an excuse. If your son can not take the responsibility then you as his mother need to do that for him. Just because someone is a grown up does not mean they aught to get their feelings hurt OVER AND OVER AGAIN (!!!). It wasn't a one time question. It went on for a while.

However, the MIL is a fully fledged adult and the child is not. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"High functioning" means an IQ over 70 and usually verbal. That's it.

Learn your terms. You are confusing "high functioning autism" (I.Q. over 70) with High Functioning Aspergers. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-functioning_autism. While the "spectrum" now includes Aspergers, there is still a difference in diagnosis and terminology.

Wow. You cited Wikipedia. You win the Internet.

The spectrum always include Asperger's. There was confusion among the diagnostic terms, even among professionals, so they consolidated the labels into one and added severity indicators. Under the old label, kids could have autism and still be verbal, just impaired. My son had words; he just didn't use them. He had significant impairments in both receptive and expressive language, as well as pragmatics. Despite that he hit all of his milestones on time. He had words; he just didn't use words. Because he had an impairment in his receptive and expressive language, he was met the criteria for autism, not Asperger's syndrome. Because his IQ tested at 120+, he was diagnosed as "high functioning."

This is why calling it a spectrum and lumping all these kids together is a problem. But that's a rant for another day. Stop arguing with someone who doesn't get it. I get so tired of the lack of empathy when these kids aren't being difficult, they are very much struggling and need support. If grandma cannot handle it, and many people can't, you just sadly avoid. This kid doesn't get it and its not as if they can turn it off. We have both expressive and receptive language delays and most don't get it. They have unreasonable expectations. They also do not understand that these kids are very bright and take everything in and what you are doing and saying could be very harmful in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: That is NOT bitch behavior. It is a person taking care of her emotional well being. Just because someone is a grown up does not mean they aught to get their feelings hurt OVER AND OVER AGAIN (!!!). It wasn't a one time question. It went on for a while.

Wow! Please go back to the General Parenting board. A grown woman cuts off contact with her grandson because she can't handle questions like "Does Grandma miss her dog?" from an austistic 7 year old, and you're concerned with HER emotional well-being?!?! Obviously you don't have any experience with austistic kids or you would know that "over and over again" is pretty much the most common characteristic of ASD. Not an excuse, just a fact. OP said they try to redirect him and tell him not to talk about it. They are trying. Grandma isn't. That's bitch behavior.

I am the PP quoted. I am diagnosed with Asperger's. I am a grown woman. If one of our cats died it would be the same for me as it might be for you to lose your child. I could not stand to constantly be reminded and asked about it. I would certainly consider requesting a break from that to help me get over the first initial time of grief.

Nobody but the person himself/herself can judge how much something impacts their life emotionally. I often don't understand why stuff bothers people...the same goes for others understanding things that really bother me. You keep repeating something that is not true: Grandma WAS trying. She didn't loose it the first time the question came up. And nobody but herself has any idea how hard it actually is for her to deal with the repeated questions. Just because she is old and the son is young doesn't mean anything. Anything at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: That is NOT bitch behavior. It is a person taking care of her emotional well being. Just because someone is a grown up does not mean they aught to get their feelings hurt OVER AND OVER AGAIN (!!!). It wasn't a one time question. It went on for a while.

Wow! Please go back to the General Parenting board. A grown woman cuts off contact with her grandson because she can't handle questions like "Does Grandma miss her dog?" from an austistic 7 year old, and you're concerned with HER emotional well-being?!?! Obviously you don't have any experience with austistic kids or you would know that "over and over again" is pretty much the most common characteristic of ASD. Not an excuse, just a fact. OP said they try to redirect him and tell him not to talk about it. They are trying. Grandma isn't. That's bitch behavior.

I am the PP quoted. I am diagnosed with Asperger's. I am a grown woman. If one of our cats died it would be the same for me as it might be for you to lose your child. I could not stand to constantly be reminded and asked about it. I would certainly consider requesting a break from that to help me get over the first initial time of grief.

Nobody but the person himself/herself can judge how much something impacts their life emotionally. I often don't understand why stuff bothers people...the same goes for others understanding things that really bother me. You keep repeating something that is not true: Grandma WAS trying. She didn't loose it the first time the question came up. And nobody but herself has any idea how hard it actually is for her to deal with the repeated questions. Just because she is old and the son is young doesn't mean anything. Anything at all.

Autism is different for everyone and clearly your symptoms are different that of the OP. The other difference is you are an adult who has learned to filter things and this child has not had those life experiences yet even though it clearly sounds as if mom is trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: That is NOT bitch behavior. It is a person taking care of her emotional well being. Just because someone is a grown up does not mean they aught to get their feelings hurt OVER AND OVER AGAIN (!!!). It wasn't a one time question. It went on for a while.

Wow! Please go back to the General Parenting board. A grown woman cuts off contact with her grandson because she can't handle questions like "Does Grandma miss her dog?" from an austistic 7 year old, and you're concerned with HER emotional well-being?!?! Obviously you don't have any experience with austistic kids or you would know that "over and over again" is pretty much the most common characteristic of ASD. Not an excuse, just a fact. OP said they try to redirect him and tell him not to talk about it. They are trying. Grandma isn't. That's bitch behavior.

I am the PP quoted. I am diagnosed with Asperger's. I am a grown woman. If one of our cats died it would be the same for me as it might be for you to lose your child. I could not stand to constantly be reminded and asked about it. I would certainly consider requesting a break from that to help me get over the first initial time of grief.

Nobody but the person himself/herself can judge how much something impacts their life emotionally. I often don't understand why stuff bothers people...the same goes for others understanding things that really bother me. You keep repeating something that is not true: Grandma WAS trying. She didn't loose it the first time the question came up. And nobody but herself has any idea how hard it actually is for her to deal with the repeated questions. Just because she is old and the son is young doesn't mean anything. Anything at all.

Autism is different for everyone and clearly your symptoms are different that of the OP. The other difference is you are an adult who has learned to filter things and this child has not had those life experiences yet even though it clearly sounds as if mom is trying.

I am not saying the child is doing something wrong. I am just saying that just because the child has autism and can not stop asking those questions that does not mean that MIL shouldn't have a problem with the subject being brought up again and again. Knowing that my broken leg will heal in 6 weeks does not make it hurt less right now - just because she knows it's not his intention to hurt her does not change the fact that mentioning her dead dog hurts her. Why is that so hard for people to understand?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: That is NOT bitch behavior. It is a person taking care of her emotional well being. Just because someone is a grown up does not mean they aught to get their feelings hurt OVER AND OVER AGAIN (!!!). It wasn't a one time question. It went on for a while.

Wow! Please go back to the General Parenting board. A grown woman cuts off contact with her grandson because she can't handle questions like "Does Grandma miss her dog?" from an austistic 7 year old, and you're concerned with HER emotional well-being?!?! Obviously you don't have any experience with austistic kids or you would know that "over and over again" is pretty much the most common characteristic of ASD. Not an excuse, just a fact. OP said they try to redirect him and tell him not to talk about it. They are trying. Grandma isn't. That's bitch behavior.

I am the PP quoted. I am diagnosed with Asperger's. I am a grown woman. If one of our cats died it would be the same for me as it might be for you to lose your child. I could not stand to constantly be reminded and asked about it. I would certainly consider requesting a break from that to help me get over the first initial time of grief.

Nobody but the person himself/herself can judge how much something impacts their life emotionally. I often don't understand why stuff bothers people...the same goes for others understanding things that really bother me. You keep repeating something that is not true: Grandma WAS trying. She didn't loose it the first time the question came up. And nobody but herself has any idea how hard it actually is for her to deal with the repeated questions. Just because she is old and the son is young doesn't mean anything. Anything at all.

Autism is different for everyone and clearly your symptoms are different that of the OP. The other difference is you are an adult who has learned to filter things and this child has not had those life experiences yet even though it clearly sounds as if mom is trying.

I am not saying the child is doing something wrong. I am just saying that just because the child has autism and can not stop asking those questions that does not mean that MIL shouldn't have a problem with the subject being brought up again and again. Knowing that my broken leg will heal in 6 weeks does not make it hurt less right now - just because she knows it's not his intention to hurt her does not change the fact that mentioning her dead dog hurts her. Why is that so hard for people to understand?!

We all very much understand that it is hard for her but it isn't something that the child can help. So, basically mom is at an all or nothing - either kids stops which they have tried and its not working or they stop the relationship with MIL.

Every time my child goes into the nursing home to see my MIL (at least weekly) he will comment on something and ask again and again so I get where OP is at. He is just trying to figure it all out given how his brain works. He will constantly ask "where is the woman's teeth" - he asked the woman and the daughter said she didn't brush them well as a child, and it was great as now he brushes them for that woman. I wish I could do a mute button at times and I do try too but sometimes it just comes out, over and over again.