Son with ASD banned from Grandmother's

[Anonymous]

My son is 7 and has very high-functioning autism. My MIL's dog of 4 years died 2.5 months ago and my son asks about the dog every time we see her, about 3-4 times a month. "Does Grandma miss him?" "Is she sad?" usually 3-5 questions and he moves on......I realize it is terribly annoying, but don’t think MIL is that emotionally upset about the dog since she got a “replacement” within two weeks. We always direct my son to something else and tell him not to ask about the dog that is upsets Grandma. My son very rarely initiations conversations with others so I hate that we have to censor what he does do but I understand it bothers her. Each visit she has gotten progressively more hostile, starting with short answers, to ignoring him, to at the last visit she told him not to talk to her. Well, upon leaving, MIL told us not to bring him back until he stops asking about the dog, however long that takes. Honestly, I am fine with that, my husband not so much and he wants to work it out. My suggestion was that I would stay at home while they visit the bitch (oops, mean MIL) and he could deal with the consequences. But, I worry either my son and/or my MIL will permanently damage their relationship.

So….what to do?

[Anonymous]

Take a break from Grandmas house. Keep you son home if she can't be understanding. Let you huband go to visit if he must.

My kids still talk about our dog that we put down 2.5 years ago. Hugs to your caring little guy.

[Anonymous]

She probably spoke in haste out of frustration. Keep him home, but do let her know that you'll bring him whenever she changes her mind. She'll be missing him soon, and you don't want her pride standing in the way of their connection.

[Anonymous]

OP your DS is still sad and confused about the dog's death himself. I don;t know that a break in visits will help him, he may just start up again even if quite a bit of time has passed. but hopefully your MIL will have moved on.

I think your approach MIL (you or your husband) like you need her help. "DS, as you know has an ASD and he's so sad about Fido's death. He keeps asking about it because its hard for him to accept. What do you think we can do to help him in a way that won't cause stress for you?" Maybe make her a problem-solver instead of an aggrieved bitch, um I mean, MIL.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL has some issues. Seriously. I wouldn't let any kid around her. Because this isn't even a special needs issue. This is a cruelty issue.

[Anonymous]

For Pete's sake, neuro-typical kids ask the same things over and over and over, and especially about topics regarding loss, or something they just want to ponder in their mysterious child-like mind.

And boo to the unkind sniper in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't really sound like an autistic thing, just a little kid thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Doesn't really sound like an autistic thing, just a little kid thing.

Agree. Kids at this age are exploring the concept of death, and while adults may think the question is "asked an answered" kids are still ruminating over it. Your DH (not you) can try to talk to grandma, but if she's going to stick to her ultimatum, then I guess she's getting fewer visits with her family.

[Anonymous]

She may not form a close relationship with your son. My mother didn't.

It was one of the breaking points in my relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like MIL got frustrated and snapped, not that she really means to ban your son, OP. I think you might want to consider giving her a break. Afterall, maybe it's you who is misreading the situation by thinking that she can't possibly miss her dog too much since she replaced the dog after two weeks. Maybe this is something that is really painful for her and she snapped at being asked one more time than she could handle.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a horrible person. My dogs died and I would love it if someone wanted to talk about my dogs with me. I miss them and most people would not care enough to ask. Your son sounds very sweet.

[Anonymous]

Well, good riddance to MIL!

I'm guessing it's not the dog, but perhaps a low tolerance threshold towards any quirkiness in general. And since children and people with ASD frequently exhibit quirks, well, it's best not to see her too often.

[Anonymous]

Has your MIL exhibited other immature and self-centered behavior besides this? She can't remember her own SN grandchild is a child and she is an adult? She sounds terrible IMO.

[Anonymous]

OP, obviously I think your MIL is wrong and insensitive to your child's needs, but it's not nice to say that she must not have cared for the dog if she replaced it so quickly after it died. If you're not a dog person you wouldn't understand, but despite loving them desperately and being horribly sad when they die, we dog lovers replace them because we need the companionship.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me appreciate my own MIL who very patiently and lovingly answers all my son's questions about his grandfather death after 58 yrs of marriage. My DS is also seven and on the spectrum and admittedly not the most sensitive child.