How to be a Great MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two major components of the relationship.
1. Individual personalities of DIL and MIL.
2. The match between DIL's and MIL's expectations, background, etc.

1. When people say that there are two people in the relationship, it is true. My MIL acts like a mad woman around me. She tries to control herself during the first hour or so, but when she relaxes a bit her instincts take over and she goes nuts. I wrote a couple (very mild) stories here and always got in response. I think NIH primate facility could write some groundbreaking papers just from observing our family during her visits. At this point, I am so traumatized by the madness, I am not interested in developing a relationship with her. I don't want to see her, I don't want to be nice to her, I won't go out of my way to please her (impossible), I don't take her interests into account anymore, I don't proactively include her in our life, when she visits I leave the house, DCs and DH visit her without me. Am I a difficult DIL? Yes, I am. However, I'd like to see someone who would stay sweet and calm in my circumstances.


2. My MIL has different understanding of what means to be a grandmother. I am annoyed by the way she plays (or actually, does not play) with my children, the way she dresses them, feeds them, etc. Was she nicer to me, I would not bat an eye - in fact I am completely fine when other ILs do things I'd do differently. However, because she is such a bully, her every move makes me cringe.


I don't know what kind of MIL I'll be when my time comes. I hope I'll have a good relationship with my son's family to compensate for the horrible one I have with my MIL. I'll try my best.

Sending love to you, kindred spirit.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was awesome, but she passed away recently. Here are conversations we would actually have, where she would actually be sincere:


Me: I need to lose weight.

MIL: No you don't! You are just right.


Me: DH did x, y, z.

MIL: He really is a jerk sometimes.


Me: Person X was really mean to me.

MIL: She's just jealous because you're prettier than her.


Me: I bought you a souvenir from the airport.

MIL: (absolutely delighted) Oh, I love it!!!! (promptly displays cheesy item in her display case, where she keeps many cheesy items from many relatives)


She was just an easy-going lady that loved everybody.


In all other matters: Like all good MILs, MIL totally stayed out of my business, and was actually mostly inclined to support me over my DH if her opinion was ever asked.

[Anonymous]

Be kind because one day you will be a MIL and how your MIL or mother is how they will treat you. Every generation is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I am ever a mil I will remember what is was like to have a mother in law who sees our choices to do things differently than her as a personal affront. My husband and I love to do things together it doesn't really matter what as long as we're together. Her marriage isn't like that which is fine, but we aren't "wrong" just because we do things a different way. I cloth diaper and make my baby's food. Both things she tried and gave up so obviously I wouldn't follow through either. We are perfectly happy with one child but three is obviously the perfect number because that's how many they had! My children's lives are theirs to do what makes them happy even if it isn't what I'd choose

I agree with this completely. I feel like any of the attacks on DIL are MIL's like this one. It really is obvious.

Clearly, it takes two, but how much is too much? I feel like I am busy trying to raise kids, and it would not kill her to be helpful instead of entitled. She has been there, she lives closer than my family; but she makes no effort and just seems so jealous, or thinks we somehow have it "easier" than we did, or something I can not put my finger on. The negative feelings are there, glaringly. I mean, shouldn't each generation have it slightly "easier"? Isn't that a good thing?!?!

Anyway, it is not up to me to analyze her. I get it, she is bitter and her husband was never (ever) around; and when he was, they hated being together, just like PP mentioned. Enough of us DIL's have to live with a bitter MIL that somehow feels wronged by her own life. DH was never taught to be compassionate, kind, loving, and all of the things she failed to deem "important". I have never once heard MIL say anything nice about me or DH, only to go over the top about random strangers. I had tried to be nice, and it only opened me up for the abuses that were thrust upon DH as a youngster. "Oh look, a new scapegoat!" No thanks.

So in line with this thread, how do I wish to be a great MIL? I want my son to be loved so much, like DH is loved so much. I hope to follow their cues and not take "well, I don't interfere" - to mean that I don't bother. For crying out loud, it won't be hard to step it up. I could start with wanting to see my local grandchildren more than a few times per YEAR. Was motherhood that awful for her? Is that somehow my problem? But I digress.

[Anonymous]

" Just because you think your life sucked, and your husband ignored you and couldn't tolerate you (he couldn't), doesn't mean mine has to, also. My MIL getting married was a way for her to get out of middle America dustbowl hell. She resents that I am the exact opposite. What am I supposed to do, be something I'm not, to make her happy? "

Above quoted part is how I feel. My MIL is a nice lady, but I think she resents me because I've had a "charmed life" unlike her and her daughter. Unlike them, I've never really had to worry about money, outsource some housework, my DH is really involved with the childcare which FIL never was, etc. I can understand why she'd be resentful on some level, but this is my life, who I am. I can't change it and don't have to be apologetic for it.

We are very polite and civil, but she makes negative comments dircted at me sometimes which is very hurtful because she is doesn't do that to anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" Just because you think your life sucked, and your husband ignored you and couldn't tolerate you (he couldn't), doesn't mean mine has to, also. My MIL getting married was a way for her to get out of middle America dustbowl hell. She resents that I am the exact opposite. What am I supposed to do, be something I'm not, to make her happy? "

Above quoted part is how I feel. My MIL is a nice lady, but I think she resents me because I've had a "charmed life" unlike her and her daughter. Unlike them, I've never really had to worry about money, outsource some housework, my DH is really involved with the childcare which FIL never was, etc. I can understand why she'd be resentful on some level, but this is my life, who I am. I can't change it and don't have to be apologetic for it.

We are very polite and civil, but she makes negative comments dircted at me sometimes which is very hurtful because she is doesn't do that to anyone else.

+100000

MIL's do NOT make it easy for the DIL when the DIL is prettier, smarter, more successful, from a nicer upbringing, etc. There are a million things that could set any MIL off. Instead, they want to redirect to the DIL - the DIL who is fairly new to the family - how much sense does THAT make??!! Would they prefer DH have married someone with nothing to offer?

At the very least, MIL's should try to conceal their jealousy about the younger DIL, instead of being so very transparent. I would be thrilled if my son was happy, and I would NOT try to stir the pot, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the most important thing is to respect your DILs parenting style, and keep yor criticisms to yourself. Understand that just because your DIL is doing something different than you did as a parent, doesn't mean it's an attack on your parenting. Offer to help but not repeatedly if she doesn't take you up on it. Don't keep score with DIL or with DILs mom or compete with her to be the favorite grandma.

+1,000. Don't nitpick

[Anonymous]

We try to include MIL, but she always removes her filter and spews jabs at me Not really worth including her, unfortunately. This is especially awkward when our friends are present and they expected "a nice little old lady", not a wolf in sheeps clothing. Can't nasty MILs at least pretend to be nice?

[Anonymous]

I like the PP who said that her MIL often or always sides with her instead of DH. I like they idea of MIL showing her support (not just saying she is supportive).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the PP who said that her MIL often or always sides with her instead of DH. I like they idea of MIL showing her support (not just saying she is supportive).

My mom always sides with my DH, because that what her ILs did and she thinks it's the right way to do. She also always praises DH to my MIL. However, my MIL also always sides with DH and also always praises (only) him to my parents. At family gatherings MIL would ask my parents :"isn't she a lucky girl?". Weirdly, it really brings my self-esteem down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two major components of the relationship.
1. Individual personalities of DIL and MIL.
2. The match between DIL's and MIL's expectations, background, etc.

1. When people say that there are two people in the relationship, it is true. My MIL acts like a mad woman around me. She tries to control herself during the first hour or so, but when she relaxes a bit her instincts take over and she goes nuts. I wrote a couple (very mild) stories here and always got in response. I think NIH primate facility could write some groundbreaking papers just from observing our family during her visits. At this point, I am so traumatized by the madness, I am not interested in developing a relationship with her. I don't want to see her, I don't want to be nice to her, I won't go out of my way to please her (impossible), I don't take her interests into account anymore, I don't proactively include her in our life, when she visits I leave the house, DCs and DH visit her without me. Am I a difficult DIL? Yes, I am. However, I'd like to see someone who would stay sweet and calm in my circumstances.


2. My MIL has different understanding of what means to be a grandmother. I am annoyed by the way she plays (or actually, does not play) with my children, the way she dresses them, feeds them, etc. Was she nicer to me, I would not bat an eye - in fact I am completely fine when other ILs do things I'd do differently. However, because she is such a bully, her every move makes me cringe.


I don't know what kind of MIL I'll be when my time comes. I hope I'll have a good relationship with my son's family to compensate for the horrible one I have with my MIL. I'll try my best.

Sending love to you, kindred spirit.

Right back at ya We probably have had virtual drinks together here at DCUM If it was not you, please join us next time, you are not alone!

[Anonymous]

I think the main things are some of the things others have mentioned. Not being critical of the DIL or SIL. While my parents don't treat my husband as a long lost son (that's not their personality and if they did I that would mean unasked opinions from my mom), they do give the impression that they are happy their daughter found a great spouse and vice versa with DH's family. You know DH's family loves him and my family loves me BUT we joke that the parents like the other better because they are complimentary of the spouse when talking to their kids and inclusive with the DIL/SIL. I always get emails with pictures my in-laws take of the kids, sometimes before DH. My mom will correspond with DH as well for her visit plans, especially since he volunteers to pick her up from airport and has sent him Father's Day and birthday cards/gifts on time.

I would say the rest has to do with being considerate and it being a two way street. My parents aren't in a financial postion to pay for meals etc and at the same time I think it's part of why my mom doesn't like to go out to eat. She will ask for certain groceries and make food for the kids and encourage us to go out and have alone time. Both set of parents know how busy we are with work and kids and they may think of activities for the kids that help us out, like researching a new park, or getting a recorder because our kids showed an interest in music. The key is it is never over the top or puts more work on us. I also love that they give the kids attention, not just have them entertaining themselves the whole time. That said, we don't see our parents as the nanny. If they have been entertaining our kids all day, we know they need a break and expect they will go out without kids, may want to retire to watch t.v/relax when they are home, don't expect them to cook/ clean the house/do laundry,/wash all the dishes. They are in their late 60's and if we run out of energy running around after our kids ... If my in-laws invite us on vacation and we are staying for free, it is expected their son will offer to pay for groceries/food as you would if your friends invited you to their beach house. Sort of the rule of don't offer what you aren't happy to do (no being a martyr) and you don't take advantage of someone being nice and expect people will continue to go out of their way.

[Anonymous]

I really think I won the lottery on MILs. Mine is very easy going, kind, caring and generous. Sometimes she goes overboard on being generous to the point of being a doormat/enabler but it's not always a problem. I really enjoy her company. I really love my mom too but being around my mother in law helped me see where my mom was very neuotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree strongly with the helping. I've noticed that when my MIL comes to visit or when we are all on vacation, she is always sitting, waiting to be served and catered to. A particular vacation sticks out where we rented a large OBX-type house and needed to be out of the house and have everything cleaned up in an hour. She sat on the couch and read the paper. Everyone around her was frantically doing dishes, collecting trash, making laundry piles.

And she sat there.

God, I have the opposite problem with my MIL. She literally will NOT sit down in my house. She didn't even sit at Christmas. She just hovers over people like a lurking butler, waiting to do something for someone. She completely does not get the concept that she is a GUEST in my house -- she acts like the hostess...but even I as the hostess will sit down and enjoy the dinner! Meanwhile, she just stands up and lurks and waits to refill someone's cup.

She asks what she can do or bring to events at our house, and if I say, "Please, we have it covered, please just come and enjoy yourself..." she will still bring dishes of food, paper napkins, paper plates, water bottles, etc. The problem is she is a chain smoker so everything REEKS from her house - even plastic bags! I have tried to think of things that I could assign to her but all of it comes smelling awful. And frankly it's just an insult when she brings her own freaking WATER as if I don't provide water to my guests.

I just wish she would sit the hell down and have a conversation rather than hovering over all of us, waiting to do people's bidding or warn us that we might trip on our way to the fridge.

[Anonymous]

Do not call your grandchild, "My baby."