How to be a Great MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree strongly with the helping. I've noticed that when my MIL comes to visit or when we are all on vacation, she is always sitting, waiting to be served and catered to. A particular vacation sticks out where we rented a large OBX-type house and needed to be out of the house and have everything cleaned up in an hour. She sat on the couch and read the paper. Everyone around her was frantically doing dishes, collecting trash, making laundry piles.

And she sat there.

Did she pay for the trip. Not cool if she contributed nothing, but totally understand if she contributed by paying.

I don't get this thinking at all. I would rather her accept a contribution if she is going to have a chip on her shoulder about some crap vacation, that I don't even have interest in. Why the hell would I suddenly be the maid?

Well alrighty then. If it's a crap vacation that I wasn't interested in, I would politely decline. But everyone has to "bring something to the party." What do you bring to her party? If my family accepted a paid for vacation from IL's, I'd be grateful and happy to do the cleaning or anything else. Having said that, her having a chip on her shoulders is another story. It sounds like she may have strings attached, which wouldn't sit well with me either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree strongly with the helping. I've noticed that when my MIL comes to visit or when we are all on vacation, she is always sitting, waiting to be served and catered to. A particular vacation sticks out where we rented a large OBX-type house and needed to be out of the house and have everything cleaned up in an hour. She sat on the couch and read the paper. Everyone around her was frantically doing dishes, collecting trash, making laundry piles.

And she sat there.

Did she pay for the trip. Not cool if she contributed nothing, but totally understand if she contributed by paying.

I don't get this thinking at all. I would rather her accept a contribution if she is going to have a chip on her shoulder about some crap vacation, that I don't even have interest in. Why the hell would I suddenly be the maid?

Well alrighty then. If it's a crap vacation that I wasn't interested in, I would politely decline. But everyone has to "bring something to the party." What do you bring to her party? If my family accepted a paid for vacation from IL's, I'd be grateful and happy to do the cleaning or anything else. Having said that, her having a chip on her shoulders is another story. It sounds like she may have strings attached, which wouldn't sit well with me either.

A MIL with a chip on her shoulder does the vacation thing for bragging rights only. You can't invite guest to a rented beach house with the expectation that the guests will be your maids.

I say this because we own our own beach house, in a location that we actually enjoy, so it is precious time taken from our limited vacation time. We have invited MIL to our beach house every year. Every year its the same old excuses, as if her rented beach house (different location every year, so there is no real sentiment) is somehow better. No, its not, we have plenty more room, and we do not expect our houseguests to play maid, that is for certain.

So MIL's "free beach house" it is not. The location sucks, frankly. I grew up next to the ocean, I know what I'm saying here. We deliberately chose a nice place to buy, not just anywhere, that means nothing.

[Anonymous]

PP here. If we are lucky, we will enjoy our own grandchildren at our beach house some day, and our grandchildren will be made to feel welcome, as if we enjoy them and love them. But our beach place is certainly not an arbitrary place where sheeple choose to go. MIL could have bought ten nice beach houses by now, with all her trips. But no, bragging rights are more important.

[Anonymous]

I love my MIL.

She treats me like her own daughter. She is generous and kind and thoughtful. I enjoy being in her company and chatting with her. She's not overbearing, calls and is able to get off the phone within 5 minutes or so, asks questions about us rather than keeping all attention focused on herself (something my own mother has always had difficulty doing).

I hope I can be just as good a MIL when my children get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree strongly with the helping. I've noticed that when my MIL comes to visit or when we are all on vacation, she is always sitting, waiting to be served and catered to. A particular vacation sticks out where we rented a large OBX-type house and needed to be out of the house and have everything cleaned up in an hour. She sat on the couch and read the paper. Everyone around her was frantically doing dishes, collecting trash, making laundry piles.

And she sat there.

Did she pay for the trip. Not cool if she contributed nothing, but totally understand if she contributed by paying.

I don't get this thinking at all. I would rather her accept a contribution if she is going to have a chip on her shoulder about some crap vacation, that I don't even have interest in. Why the hell would I suddenly be the maid?

Well alrighty then. If it's a crap vacation that I wasn't interested in, I would politely decline. But everyone has to "bring something to the party." What do you bring to her party? If my family accepted a paid for vacation from IL's, I'd be grateful and happy to do the cleaning or anything else. Having said that, her having a chip on her shoulders is another story. It sounds like she may have strings attached, which wouldn't sit well with me either.

A MIL with a chip on her shoulder does the vacation thing for bragging rights only. You can't invite guest to a rented beach house with the expectation that the guests will be your maids.

I say this because we own our own beach house, in a location that we actually enjoy, so it is precious time taken from our limited vacation time. We have invited MIL to our beach house every year. Every year its the same old excuses, as if her rented beach house (different location every year, so there is no real sentiment) is somehow better. No, its not, we have plenty more room, and we do not expect our houseguests to play maid, that is for certain.

So MIL's "free beach house" it is not. The location sucks, frankly. I grew up next to the ocean, I know what I'm saying here. We deliberately chose a nice place to buy, not just anywhere, that means nothing.


I wouldn't go to her beach house. Crappy location, bragging rights only and maids needed, doesn't sound like my idea of a vacation.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the most important thing is to respect your DILs parenting style, and keep yor criticisms to yourself. Understand that just because your DIL is doing something different than you did as a parent, doesn't mean it's an attack on your parenting. Offer to help but not repeatedly if she doesn't take you up on it. Don't keep score with DIL or with DILs mom or compete with her to be the favorite grandma.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a life saver. She is always there when I need back up child care. She watches my kids almost EVERY Friday night and has for years. She loans me money (and I pay her back) When her son left me with a on year old baby, she never stopped loving me, welcoming me, and treating me like a daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer to pay for a meal every now and then when visiting! Your visits cost us a fortune.

+1. Please offer to pay for groceries or meals out during your extended stays. Like we do when we visit you.

[Anonymous]

1. Understand that your DIL has a mother of her own and may prefer her own mother to her MIL. (My MIL could not understand why on earth I would have a problem with her being in the room while I delivered our baby. My own mother understood that I only wanted my husband in the room, but not my MIL.)

2. Don't complain that you never get to see your grandchildren when you refuse major opportunities to spend time with them.

3. Remember that your DIL has a family of origin and that she might actually love them and want to spend time with them too. I know it sucks that you have to share holidays now that this strange woman has married your son, mothers your grandchildren, and shares every responsibility equally with your son, but she has a family too and every now and then she might like to spend a holiday with them. Please don't lie and maneuver to create situations where you make it impossible for she and your son and grandchildren to spend time with her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish someone had offered to help me out during my kid's birthday parties so that I could have enjoyed them and had more fun, rather than always being the one behind the scenes preparing food, etc. THat might be a nice thing for a MIL to do.

If you think your DIL's house is dirty and you can afford it, present BOTH partners with a gift of a biweekly cleaning service saying "THis will allow you guys to have more time to enjoy the kids." DOn't just go over there and complain about the dirt, nor assume that somehow or other only people with breasts are capable of cleaning a bathroom, loading a dishwasher, etc.

Why should your mother in law have to be your worker bee at your kids party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would show up, be part of my grandkids lives and not act like you don't have a family anymore just because your kids are grown.

Seriously... you dont' have to raise your grandkids, but at least show up for them! Especially when you are retired and have PLENTY of money!

Let's trade. Where can we meet up?

I am willing to trade too! I'd pay mine not to see her that often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree strongly with the helping. I've noticed that when my MIL comes to visit or when we are all on vacation, she is always sitting, waiting to be served and catered to. A particular vacation sticks out where we rented a large OBX-type house and needed to be out of the house and have everything cleaned up in an hour. She sat on the couch and read the paper. Everyone around her was frantically doing dishes, collecting trash, making laundry piles.

And she sat there.

Did she pay for the trip. Not cool if she contributed nothing, but totally understand if she contributed by paying.

She paid nothing for the trip.

[Anonymous]

Do not nitpick your DIL to death. Do not criticize her every move. Do not criticize her in front of other people. Do not criticize her to other people (those people probably like DIL better than they like MIL and will tell DIL what MIL is saying about her).

[Anonymous]

A great MIL will state clearly that she disapproves of the future bride before the wedding so that the fiancee can make an informed choice whether or not to go through with the ceremony.

She will not shame the bride's father and family members in public at the wedding, and slander them.

She will not belittle the adopted children of her son. She will not encourage the racists slurs. She will not dis-inherit her son.


If I am ever blessed with daughters-in-law, I promise I will love them unconditionally because I love my sons so dearly. I know that I am capable of loving by an act of will, and that I enjoy respecting others. If my sons mistreat their wives I will support them if it is not intrusive. On my word of honor, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is a life saver. She is always there when I need back up child care. She watches my kids almost EVERY Friday night and has for years. She loans me money (and I pay her back) When her son left me with a on year old baby, she never stopped loving me, welcoming me, and treating me like a daughter.

That's unconditional love and maturity for you.