How to be a Great MIL
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Anonymous
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I thought with all of the talk about unwelcoming IL's, and IL "vacations" maybe a nice thing to consider would be what makes a great MIL. So whether you ARE a great MIL, or you wish you had one, please let us know what makes a GREAT MIL. (Please, any other topic can be reserved for your own thread, thanks.)
To start, what comes to mind is: actually being supportive about your IL's, not just saying that you are. Not getting on the "bash DIL" bandwagon when the other mothers in law start trash talking their daughters in law at bridge club. Keeping it positive, welcoming, and if not equal - not glaringly distinct. Treating IL's as they treat you, and/or how you wish to be treated. I hope I make my DIL feel welcome and truly part of the family, without just saying so. Actions and words are two different things! Also, I hope I don't look for fault in my DIL. When the wedding comes, I will realize it is her day, no one else's. When the babies come, I will realize that she needs sleep. If she had major surgery, I will realize again, that she needs sleep. If her family is not nearby, I will realize that it is up to me to be the bigger person, to be an adult, to be helpful (not hurtful or critical or threatened or anything else crazy!), to act like a mother (not "the" mother, but "a" mother), and ask DIL and DS what they need from me. I hope she knows she can come to me if she needs anything. I won't sit in my warm 5 BR house pestering DIL and DS and feeling somehow begrudged; but ask if their power is still out, do they need a place to stay, do they need food, especially since they have a new baby just home from the hospital. When family vacations come, I hope I will not hold it against her if she does not feel well, if she has a chronic physical health condition (the one I did *not* ask about in a rather accusatory, inappropriate, out of line way!) and can not attend. I will be grateful that DS married someone that loves him so much, and takes care of him. Well, I suppose that was cathartic 
Anyone else? How would you be a great MIL to your DS or DD? |
Anonymous
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I wish someone had offered to help me out during my kid's birthday parties so that I could have enjoyed them and had more fun, rather than always being the one behind the scenes preparing food, etc. THat might be a nice thing for a MIL to do.
If you think your DIL's house is dirty and you can afford it, present BOTH partners with a gift of a biweekly cleaning service saying "THis will allow you guys to have more time to enjoy the kids." DOn't just go over there and complain about the dirt, nor assume that somehow or other only people with breasts are capable of cleaning a bathroom, loading a dishwasher, etc. |
Anonymous
| Respect DIL's parenting style, support and if disagree, don't go behind their back to do what you think is right. I think this is the most important one, at least to me. |
Anonymous
| It would be great if my MIL were not "me, me, me, my needs, my needs, my needs" ALL. THE. TIME. My MIL lost my son at a park. While I am frantically looking for him and calling the police, she interrupts me to ask if I've seen her umbrella. |
Anonymous
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My MIL is pretty darn good. Not perfect, but who is?
Things she does right - Does not meddle or criticize. There are things she certainly doesn't agree with us on, some of them big ones (e.g. us not raising our children in the church) but she has never brought it up. She will regularly volunteer to take our kids to church though, which we allow. If we told her we didn't want her to, I'm sure she would be disappointed, but wouldn't complain. - Loves our kids. Spoils them just enough, but never undermines our parenting. Volunteers to babysit them if we need childcare coverage or for a weekend away. - Is kind and non-judgemental. Regularly compliments me and the kids and does things like send a nice card and thoughtful gift on my birthday (which my own parents don't!). Seemingly enjoys spending time with us, but does not overstay her welcome. |
Anonymous
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HELP! Seriously. Empty the dishwasher or order take out once in a while.
Give your son/daughter and SIL/DIL some space to be alone every day. Offer to babysit, go on a walk by yourself, whatever... just give them a few minutes as a family. Don't act like every conversation between your son/daughter and SIL/DIL is open to you. Sometimes they need to have a 30 second conversation about whether kid needs a bath without your opinion. |
Anonymous
| I wish my MIL would give up her daily alcohol. Having sober in-laws would be a nice start. |
Anonymous
| I wish my MIL, who lives near by, would be a little more "si se puede". She is a sweet woman who means well, but she is so tentative! She is afraid of offending, overstepping her bounds, fine, but at the same time, manages to make everything complicated. |
Anonymous
Yep. I think my MIL is so afraid of offending me that she never says what she really thinks. We pretty much have no relationship because she's so meek. I see her gossiping with my SIL and I wish she'd do that with me. |
Anonymous
Mine is very similar, but doesn't care about church and doesn't live near us. My in-laws are so helpful when they come to visit us, and respect our parenting choices. I think it helps so much to just be considerate and kind. |
Anonymous
| It takes 2 to have a relationship. The women I know who really dislike their MILs have issues as well. |
Anonymous
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I agree strongly with the helping. I've noticed that when my MIL comes to visit or when we are all on vacation, she is always sitting, waiting to be served and catered to. A particular vacation sticks out where we rented a large OBX-type house and needed to be out of the house and have everything cleaned up in an hour. She sat on the couch and read the paper. Everyone around her was frantically doing dishes, collecting trash, making laundry piles.
And she sat there. |
Anonymous
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My MIL would be fabulous if she would only give us space when she comes to visit. She generally tries to be helpful, loves my kids and adores my husband, but has a need to be in the middle of what we are doing all the time. As soon as she hears footsteps in the morning she pops her head out and follows my husband around like a puppy until he heads up to our bedroom for the night.
If only she would say - you know, I'd love for you guys to go out to dinner alone tonight, i'll watch the kids. Or - I'm going to go rest for a few minutes and give us an hour alone. She stayed at a hotel once because we were doing construction and it was the best visit we've ever had. |
Anonymous
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I would show up, be part of my grandkids lives and not act like you don't have a family anymore just because your kids are grown.
Seriously... you dont' have to raise your grandkids, but at least show up for them! Especially when you are retired and have PLENTY of money! |
Anonymous
Wrong thread, dear. Do you wish you were a MIL that knows how to read? |