Husband seems to resent my not working

[Anonymous]

When one spouse starts to resent his or her at-home spouse or partner, then it is time for the at-home spouse or partner to find himself or herself a job outside the home.

[Anonymous]

I dont understand all the posts advising part time jobs and living onf budgets, etc. OP made it clear its DH who is attached to their lifestyle and the offer to work had already been made.

I agree with the posters who see this as having nothing to do with OP. Its his issue with dissatsifaction with work.

OP you never said, I dont think, exactly what he does that indicates resentment. You may be off on the wrong track entirely here. What has he said or done to indicate resentment?

As a person married to a person who became resentful once depression kicked in, I can tell you there is NO POINT in trying to figure out why he resents you IF he is in fact depressed. BEcause it wont be rational, and you will go in circles.

He needs to be screened for depression, possibly.

[Anonymous]

14:02 again: once my husbands depression was actually treated, he stopped saying resentful nasty crap to me. Because his THINKING had changed, and gone back to more what it used to be.

Depression is TRICKY and SNEAKY. It can come in gradually and be masked by other things. I know alot about the symptoms of depression, but none of those were there until it was WAY FAR GONE and had become entangled with meanspiritedness, resentment, and overall distorted perceptions. It was awful. There was nothing I could do to get him to be reasonable. Eventually I told him I could take no more and could not remain in the marriage until he sought help. Eventually he did, but I had to do all the work to get him there. Still, it was what was required.

I too like you OP take care of EVERYthing that is outside of my husbands work and including some of the support for his business. So its been a lot of strain and inequality once his depression made it so he convinced himself it was ok to demean me and act like I could do more when that was literally completely impossible.

THank goodness he is slowly but surely returning to the guy I married- it got to the point where I had almost forgotten who he used to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand all the posts advising part time jobs and living onf budgets, etc. OP made it clear its DH who is attached to their lifestyle and the offer to work had already been made.

I agree with the posters who see this as having nothing to do with OP. Its his issue with dissatsifaction with work.

OP you never said, I dont think, exactly what he does that indicates resentment. You may be off on the wrong track entirely here. What has he said or done to indicate resentment?

As a person married to a person who became resentful once depression kicked in, I can tell you there is NO POINT in trying to figure out why he resents you IF he is in fact depressed. BEcause it wont be rational, and you will go in circles.

He needs to be screened for depression, possibly.

Yes, I don't get it either.

We are a dual income home and that does not protect anyone from resentment. The resentment is just a symptom of something much deeper and that issue clearly is not finances.

I did SAH for a few years and my DH was not resentful at all, but I do know for a FACT that it is stressful and when you are stuck in a stressful job with golden handcuffs and 3 hungry mouths to feed, it is very stressful. Nobody likes to feel trapped. I suspect this is how OP DH feels. Considering a poor job market and OPs probable outdated skills, he working is not going to help that. I'm sure her DH is bright enough to realize that.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and insights. This has been an interesting process. I talked to my husband last night in depth and he said he doesn't feel resentful, but rather jealous. He would like to have more "free time" and autonomy and work is stressful right now, and often. I have worked hard in the last few years to not make him feel guilty for missing kid stuff, but I think he does on his own accord.

He also would like to have my life as he puts it. Making my life "harder" isn't the solution in his book. He is glad I am happy, the kids are thriving, etc. I get it. The remaining frustration on my part, is that I really am fine with far less than we have and he really isn't he wants the country club, private schools, travel anywhere lifestyle. I could be happy with a simple house, good schools, and more time together with less stress. Not sure we will ever bridge that one. In the meantime, I will continue what I am doing and be as supportive as I can be. FWIW I am definitely more supportive than most of my friends in terms of I don't care if he golfs or takes a guys weekend, I think he needs and deserves it, no guilt involved. I am somewhat shocked at my SAHM friends who in their words don't "let" their husbands do these things. Especially since the vast majority of us are able to outsource a lot of the grunt work (house cleaning, etc.). I have a good life and I certainly do appreciate it. And for those that question the career front thing, I have been out of the workforce for 10 years, it would be hard to get back in but I have some niche skills that are pretty valuable. One of the reasons we are so comfortable is that I made a lot at a young age and banked a ton. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

Thanks again everyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and insights. This has been an interesting process. I talked to my husband last night in depth and he said he doesn't feel resentful, but rather jealous. He would like to have more "free time" and autonomy and work is stressful right now, and often. I have worked hard in the last few years to not make him feel guilty for missing kid stuff, but I think he does on his own accord.

He also would like to have my life as he puts it. Making my life "harder" isn't the solution in his book. He is glad I am happy, the kids are thriving, etc. I get it. The remaining frustration on my part, is that I really am fine with far less than we have and he really isn't he wants the country club, private schools, travel anywhere lifestyle. I could be happy with a simple house, good schools, and more time together with less stress. Not sure we will ever bridge that one. In the meantime, I will continue what I am doing and be as supportive as I can be. FWIW I am definitely more supportive than most of my friends in terms of I don't care if he golfs or takes a guys weekend, I think he needs and deserves it, no guilt involved. I am somewhat shocked at my SAHM friends who in their words don't "let" their husbands do these things. Especially since the vast majority of us are able to outsource a lot of the grunt work (house cleaning, etc.). I have a good life and I certainly do appreciate it. And for those that question the career front thing, I have been out of the workforce for 10 years, it would be hard to get back in but I have some niche skills that are pretty valuable. One of the reasons we are so comfortable is that I made a lot at a young age and banked a ton. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

Thanks again everyone!

It is not fair for you to have your dream life and not him. I would not want to be a guy that is the sole breadwinner. What makes you think they don't want to be home and with the kids as much as women do? A lot of women think men don't WANT to take on more family stuff, when in reality they are just justifying their reasoning for staying home. Just like women hate when men do "everything" for them, men don't like that either. Don't make him beg OP, make things more fair for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and insights. This has been an interesting process. I talked to my husband last night in depth and he said he doesn't feel resentful, but rather jealous. He would like to have more "free time" and autonomy and work is stressful right now, and often. I have worked hard in the last few years to not make him feel guilty for missing kid stuff, but I think he does on his own accord.

He also would like to have my life as he puts it. Making my life "harder" isn't the solution in his book. He is glad I am happy, the kids are thriving, etc. I get it. The remaining frustration on my part, is that I really am fine with far less than we have and he really isn't he wants the country club, private schools, travel anywhere lifestyle. I could be happy with a simple house, good schools, and more time together with less stress. Not sure we will ever bridge that one. In the meantime, I will continue what I am doing and be as supportive as I can be. FWIW I am definitely more supportive than most of my friends in terms of I don't care if he golfs or takes a guys weekend, I think he needs and deserves it, no guilt involved. I am somewhat shocked at my SAHM friends who in their words don't "let" their husbands do these things. Especially since the vast majority of us are able to outsource a lot of the grunt work (house cleaning, etc.). I have a good life and I certainly do appreciate it. And for those that question the career front thing, I have been out of the workforce for 10 years, it would be hard to get back in but I have some niche skills that are pretty valuable. One of the reasons we are so comfortable is that I made a lot at a young age and banked a ton. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

Thanks again everyone!

It is not fair for you to have your dream life and not him. I would not want to be a guy that is the sole breadwinner. What makes you think they don't want to be home and with the kids as much as women do? A lot of women think men don't WANT to take on more family stuff, when in reality they are just justifying their reasoning for staying home. Just like women hate when men do "everything" for them, men don't like that either. Don't make him beg OP, make things more fair for him.

Don't get this. What would you suggest? Don't say work as that's clearly not what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Let's be clear, he has a pretty good life. A job that he finds interesting if stressful. Very highly compensated. Traveled much of the world. Sends kids to great schools never has to think about mundane things related to parenting or the household, time to golf and see friends, a very supportive, attractive wife , who is intelligent and can carry her own in most situations, a loving family including his parents, his health, his athleticism, lives in a beautiful home and his wife is a damn good cook. I won't get into the sec thing as I find that a bit crass. All good. I have a friend who says the secret to a good marriage is each thinking they got the better "deal" there might be some validity to that and I will work on helping him recognize the pretty good situation he has while supporting any changes that would make him happier or less stressed. Tells where I'm going wrong?

[Anonymous]

"Sex" and "tell me" corrections per above

[Anonymous]

If he is disrespectful, just flat out ask him what he thinks you need to do differently. If he has an issue, he owes it to you to be honest.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not factoring what stress does to you. He is going to start to see coworkers around his age start to get heart attacks and some might die in their 50's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not factoring what stress does to you. He is going to start to see coworkers around his age start to get heart attacks and some might die in their 50's.

I understand. Believe me I am trying to reduce his stress! I make him get an executive physical once a year, and he likes to golf, and work out, thankfully. He's not a big drinker and he eats very healthfully. I'm just saying that the "get a job to relieve him of his work stress" is not the right equation for us, and in our situation would add more stress. He could honestly quite tomorrow and we would be fine if we were careful and changed our lifestyle a lot. So that's not really the issue. I agree there could be some depression (low grade) and perhaps some mid life stuff going on. Seems common and we are communicating better about it. I think posting made me realize I need to talk to him more "head on" and we can only keep the communication lines open. Listen, I grew up with a mom who scrubbed floors for other people when things were tough, I am no prima donna and I would certainly work if that was the answer to this.

[Anonymous]

"quit not quite! "sorry for the errors.

[Anonymous]

When a working spouse or partner tells his or her at-home spouse and partner that they would like them to please return to work, they are sending you a message loud and clear (whatever reason -- depression, anxiety, worries, stress, interest, intention of divorce -- it does not really matter). Ignore it at your own peril.

(This is similar to when a spouse or partner ignores his or her companion's message that they are unhappy with their intimate life -- ignore it at your peril.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a working spouse or partner tells his or her at-home spouse and partner that they would like them to please return to work, they are sending you a message loud and clear (whatever reason -- depression, anxiety, worries, stress, interest, intention of divorce -- it does not really matter). Ignore it at your own peril.

(This is similar to when a spouse or partner ignores his or her companion's message that they are unhappy with their intimate life -- ignore it at your peril.).

Sorry, this is the OP. You really are missing something, where did that ever come up other than from other people? Of course I would go back to work if that was the source of what was bothering him. It's not, and he is adamant that is not what he wants. Let's put it this way, you can at times envy your childless friends and when you are in the throes of tough times with kids perhaps wish you were them, but for many of us you don't actually want to change anything, you just need to work through some hard times, stress, or other feelings. Do you see what I am saying?