Husband seems to resent my not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a working spouse or partner tells his or her at-home spouse and partner that they would like them to please return to work, they are sending you a message loud and clear (whatever reason -- depression, anxiety, worries, stress, interest, intention of divorce -- it does not really matter). Ignore it at your own peril.

(This is similar to when a spouse or partner ignores his or her companion's message that they are unhappy with their intimate life -- ignore it at your peril.).

Sorry, this is the OP. You really are missing something, where did that ever come up other than from other people? Of course I would go back to work if that was the source of what was bothering him. It's not, and he is adamant that is not what he wants. Let's put it this way, you can at times envy your childless friends and when you are in the throes of tough times with kids perhaps wish you were them, but for many of us you don't actually want to change anything, you just need to work through some hard times, stress, or other feelings. Do you see what I am saying?

If you are saying that your spouse or partner actually prefers you to stay home and has articulated that preference, but is simply remarking off-the-cuff, in a moment of stress, "wouldn't it be great if you worked/brought in an income too", then why the thread? It seems that your being at-home is not a problem for anyone then. Continue on as you have and enjoy the time with your family.

[Anonymous]

I think you are right about the need to just communicate more and head on. And to (lovingly) call your spouse on the negativity, since you all are a family and negative emotions naturally travel between family members.

That said I would try to figure out (through communication!) the source of your spouses negativity, and to figure out what would help him. My off-the-cuff bet would be that your spouse is feeling under appreciated, so the question becomes what would make him feel appreciated and valued. And personally I think for many of us it is easy to overlook the things our spouses do for us when they are routine and unspoken.

[Anonymous]

OP, this would have been a fine and helpful thread if it stopped around page 1. In this case, feel free to pick and choose among the good advice you got early on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are right about the need to just communicate more and head on. And to (lovingly) call your spouse on the negativity, since you all are a family and negative emotions naturally travel between family members.

That said I would try to figure out (through communication!) the source of your spouses negativity, and to figure out what would help him. My off-the-cuff bet would be that your spouse is feeling under appreciated, so the question becomes what would make him feel appreciated and valued. And personally I think for many of us it is easy to overlook the things our spouses do for us when they are routine and unspoken.

Op here. Agree!

[Anonymous]

SAHM of soon to be five here. I have every intention of returning to work part time and volunteering my time because my husband's income has zero to do with me. I do realize if something happened to my dh, I would be left to pick up the pieces. Yes, there is still laundry and household stuff but your kids are in school ALL DAY. We're a large family and I can't imagine being home all day while everyone else is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: SAHM of soon to be five here. I have every intention of returning to work part time and volunteering my time because my husband's income has zero to do with me. I do realize if something happened to my dh, I would be left to pick up the pieces. Yes, there is still laundry and household stuff but your kids are in school ALL DAY. We're a large family and I can't imagine being home all day while everyone else is gone.

Everybody's different and has different situations. Best not to judge. I really love being at home and feel very fortunate. As my mother used to say only boring people are bored. I was never bored working either. Loved my job but really love this time in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and insights. This has been an interesting process. I talked to my husband last night in depth and he said he doesn't feel resentful, but rather jealous. He would like to have more "free time" and autonomy and work is stressful right now, and often. I have worked hard in the last few years to not make him feel guilty for missing kid stuff, but I think he does on his own accord.

He also would like to have my life as he puts it. Making my life "harder" isn't the solution in his book. He is glad I am happy, the kids are thriving, etc. I get it. The remaining frustration on my part, is that I really am fine with far less than we have and he really isn't he wants the country club, private schools, travel anywhere lifestyle. I could be happy with a simple house, good schools, and more time together with less stress. Not sure we will ever bridge that one. In the meantime, I will continue what I am doing and be as supportive as I can be. FWIW I am definitely more supportive than most of my friends in terms of I don't care if he golfs or takes a guys weekend, I think he needs and deserves it, no guilt involved. I am somewhat shocked at my SAHM friends who in their words don't "let" their husbands do these things. Especially since the vast majority of us are able to outsource a lot of the grunt work (house cleaning, etc.). I have a good life and I certainly do appreciate it. And for those that question the career front thing, I have been out of the workforce for 10 years, it would be hard to get back in but I have some niche skills that are pretty valuable. One of the reasons we are so comfortable is that I made a lot at a young age and banked a ton. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

Thanks again everyone!

It is not fair for you to have your dream life and not him. I would not want to be a guy that is the sole breadwinner. What makes you think they don't want to be home and with the kids as much as women do? A lot of women think men don't WANT to take on more family stuff, when in reality they are just justifying their reasoning for staying home. Just like women hate when men do "everything" for them, men don't like that either. Don't make him beg OP, make things more fair for him.

Don't get this. What would you suggest? Don't say work as that's clearly not what he wants.

I think her going back to work iS what he wants, so he is can cut back. He just is not saying it in a way that she is HEARING. OP just hears what she wants to.