Husband seems to resent my not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM after our second child was born 2.5 yrs ago. My DH recently suggested I go back to work. I agreed. Once I told him he would have to cut out his extracurricular activities as well as our 7 yr old's activities since it would no longer fit into our schedule, he quickly back tracked. Once you have to sit down and figure out the logistics it quickly becomes clear what you need to do.

Honestly, you can tell which kids have parents who help them w homework and ones who do not.

LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been like this for years, yet whenever I offer to go back to work, and mention that if I do, he'd have to pick up more of the childcare, household chores, etc., he seems to lose interest in this idea! He is not a high earner, though, just makes enough for us to get by on one salary.

I think your DH is resentful because he is tired of working. I know my DH is tired of working. He finds me taking a nap, and thinks "I never get to take a nap during the day" and he gets resentful.

But when I point out to him all the things I do, and ask him if he'd like to switch places, he backs off completely, wanders away and "forgets" about it until the next time he starts to feel jealous that I have more freedom than he does, even though I do crappy jobs like cleaning the bathroom, buying groceries, fixing the washing machine (yes!), etc. etc.

FWIW, I've wanted for years to go back to work, had part time jobs, but DH has not made any effort to pick up the slack enough to allow me to get a job.

Maybe your DH just loves to complain, OP? I've been making a slow, steady effort to set up a home-based business, and DH has been helping me on occasion, even though I've begged him over and over to do so. It proves his hypocrisy, but I keep plugging away, knowing that I will get there in time, with or without his help. When that happens, he'll have nothing to complain about, and the balance of power will shift. I look forward to that day because I'm tired of absorbing his resentment. Men really are such babies.

But once your kids are in school full time, the child care aspects of SAH diminish.

Do you have kids? If you did, you would know it is different, more complex and requires a whole set of skills

[Anonymous]

OP Here. We feel strongly about a parent being at home. In our situation, it only makes good financial sense for it to be me, and frankly both my husband and I know that he's not really cut out for it. We have some issues in our family that further prompted this decision. For now, we are dealing with some learning disabilities with our children, we both have aging parents that need attention, which will likely grow in need, and we both come from backgrounds with addiction issues. Not a failsafe, by any means, but for us we felt one parent really being around, knowing the kids friends, families, being involved at school, making sure they were active, etc. was an important part of helping our kids stay off of the path so many in our families have traveled.

Anyway, I talked to him tonight and I think we are in a better place. I think a lot of it is summer, he certainly doesn't envy the craziness we are in during the school year. But when we go to the pool, play tennis, grab lunch with friends, etc. I think he feels a bit left out. I get it.

Thanks everyone for your insights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Common problem.

Most husbands I know lose respect for their wives that don't work once the kids are in school 6.5 hours per day-5 days/week.

I WAH so I'm lucky to be there before and after school. DH makes a very big salary--but the power would shift if I gave up my job. This is something I knew from day 1. I know I would also be depressed Igbo didn't work.

Plus--working gets me out of shit I hate doing. When I complained about being stressed DH tells me to outsource more. We just started having cleaning lady every week (dreamlike!) and healthy dinner delivery service.

If I didn't work he'd expect me to do all household chores since I'd have 6.5 hours a day free.

I think it's a pretty shallow relationship if you "lose respect" for your spouse and parent to your children based on their work

Not shallow when the kids are in school ALL day. 6.5 hours is a long time to sit around doing nothing and then to bitch and moan at him when he comes through the door.

A lot of men go for female co-workers. They find then more stimulating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM after our second child was born 2.5 yrs ago. My DH recently suggested I go back to work. I agreed. Once I told him he would have to cut out his extracurricular activities as well as our 7 yr old's activities since it would no longer fit into our schedule, he quickly back tracked. Once you have to sit down and figure out the logistics it quickly becomes clear what you need to do.

Honestly, you can tell which kids have parents who help them w homework and ones who do not.

WTF? Homework is done AFTER school. Working parents all across America help their kids with homework. Give me a break.

It's 2014. There are many different work schedules available. I work from home full time. Many of my female neighbors work part-time.

It's not 'all or nothing'. Me? I prefer to contribute to my retirement, have great benefits and pay. I work only when kids are in school 8:45-4...and make $150k. I would respect myself if I have up this gig.

[Anonymous]

A lot of SAHMs with kids in school are on Ashley Madison fucking other women's husbands. They are bored with life:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been like this for years, yet whenever I offer to go back to work, and mention that if I do, he'd have to pick up more of the childcare, household chores, etc., he seems to lose interest in this idea! He is not a high earner, though, just makes enough for us to get by on one salary.

I think your DH is resentful because he is tired of working. I know my DH is tired of working. He finds me taking a nap, and thinks "I never get to take a nap during the day" and he gets resentful.

But when I point out to him all the things I do, and ask him if he'd like to switch places, he backs off completely, wanders away and "forgets" about it until the next time he starts to feel jealous that I have more freedom than he does, even though I do crappy jobs like cleaning the bathroom, buying groceries, fixing the washing machine (yes!), etc. etc.

FWIW, I've wanted for years to go back to work, had part time jobs, but DH has not made any effort to pick up the slack enough to allow me to get a job.

Maybe your DH just loves to complain, OP? I've been making a slow, steady effort to set up a home-based business, and DH has been helping me on occasion, even though I've begged him over and over to do so. It proves his hypocrisy, but I keep plugging away, knowing that I will get there in time, with or without his help. When that happens, he'll have nothing to complain about, and the balance of power will shift. I look forward to that day because I'm tired of absorbing his resentment. Men really are such babies.

But once your kids are in school full time, the child care aspects of SAH diminish.

Do you have kids? If you did, you would know it is different, more complex and requires a whole set of skills

Is this parody? I say this as a SAH to a 2, 5, &9yr old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM after our second child was born 2.5 yrs ago. My DH recently suggested I go back to work. I agreed. Once I told him he would have to cut out his extracurricular activities as well as our 7 yr old's activities since it would no longer fit into our schedule, he quickly back tracked. Once you have to sit down and figure out the logistics it quickly becomes clear what you need to do.

Honestly, you can tell which kids have parents who help them w homework and ones who do not.

As.a.4th grade teacher, I'm curious as to how you can tell and how this relates to work status. I'm interested in learning something new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM after our second child was born 2.5 yrs ago. My DH recently suggested I go back to work. I agreed. Once I told him he would have to cut out his extracurricular activities as well as our 7 yr old's activities since it would no longer fit into our schedule, he quickly back tracked. Once you have to sit down and figure out the logistics it quickly becomes clear what you need to do.

Honestly, you can tell which kids have parents who help them w homework and ones who do not.

As.a.4th grade teacher, I'm curious as to how you can tell and how this relates to work status. I'm interested in learning something new.

It's the lazy woman's excuse. Some even go on to have more kids when the husband suggests it's time to go back to work.

They don't call it 'work' because it's easy. Shit--non- working woman with kids in school all day is a piece of cake. Working parents shuttle the kids to evening sports too. I never got not working all day because your kid has travel soccer practice at 5pm. Our bus pulls in at 4pm. We have to leave by 4:30. I work 7-3:30 and DH handles morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been like this for years, yet whenever I offer to go back to work, and mention that if I do, he'd have to pick up more of the childcare, household chores, etc., he seems to lose interest in this idea! He is not a high earner, though, just makes enough for us to get by on one salary.

I think your DH is resentful because he is tired of working. I know my DH is tired of working. He finds me taking a nap, and thinks "I never get to take a nap during the day" and he gets resentful.

But when I point out to him all the things I do, and ask him if he'd like to switch places, he backs off completely, wanders away and "forgets" about it until the next time he starts to feel jealous that I have more freedom than he does, even though I do crappy jobs like cleaning the bathroom, buying groceries, fixing the washing machine (yes!), etc. etc.

FWIW, I've wanted for years to go back to work, had part time jobs, but DH has not made any effort to pick up the slack enough to allow me to get a job.

Maybe your DH just loves to complain, OP? I've been making a slow, steady effort to set up a home-based business, and DH has been helping me on occasion, even though I've begged him over and over to do so. It proves his hypocrisy, but I keep plugging away, knowing that I will get there in time, with or without his help. When that happens, he'll have nothing to complain about, and the balance of power will shift. I look forward to that day because I'm tired of absorbing his resentment. Men really are such babies.

But once your kids are in school full time, the child care aspects of SAH diminish.

Do you have kids? If you did, you would know it is different, more complex and requires a whole set of skills

Yes, I have two and I work full time. Once your kids are in school six to seven hours a day, that frees up a lot of time. I'm sorry, but groceries, cooking, cleaning, school activities, home repairs, etc., take up some time, but not 30 hours+ if you have basic organizational skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been like this for years, yet whenever I offer to go back to work, and mention that if I do, he'd have to pick up more of the childcare, household chores, etc., he seems to lose interest in this idea! He is not a high earner, though, just makes enough for us to get by on one salary.

I think your DH is resentful because he is tired of working. I know my DH is tired of working. He finds me taking a nap, and thinks "I never get to take a nap during the day" and he gets resentful.

But when I point out to him all the things I do, and ask him if he'd like to switch places, he backs off completely, wanders away and "forgets" about it until the next time he starts to feel jealous that I have more freedom than he does, even though I do crappy jobs like cleaning the bathroom, buying groceries, fixing the washing machine (yes!), etc. etc.

FWIW, I've wanted for years to go back to work, had part time jobs, but DH has not made any effort to pick up the slack enough to allow me to get a job.

Maybe your DH just loves to complain, OP? I've been making a slow, steady effort to set up a home-based business, and DH has been helping me on occasion, even though I've begged him over and over to do so. It proves his hypocrisy, but I keep plugging away, knowing that I will get there in time, with or without his help. When that happens, he'll have nothing to complain about, and the balance of power will shift. I look forward to that day because I'm tired of absorbing his resentment. Men really are such babies.

But once your kids are in school full time, the child care aspects of SAH diminish.

Do you have kids? If you did, you would know it is different, more complex and requires a whole set of skills

Yes, I have two and I work full time. Once your kids are in school six to seven hours a day, that frees up a lot of time. I'm sorry, but groceries, cooking, cleaning, school activities, home repairs, etc., take up some time, but not 30 hours+ if you have basic organizational skills.

+100.

And this is why their husbands are fed up. It's stressful bring sole breadwinner. Throw in a wife that busts their balls for any bit of downtime or not taking the kids all weekend so she can have a 'break' and we see why men are fed up.

To all sons---don't fall for the woman that never plans to work once the kids come al

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been like this for years, yet whenever I offer to go back to work, and mention that if I do, he'd have to pick up more of the childcare, household chores, etc., he seems to lose interest in this idea! He is not a high earner, though, just makes enough for us to get by on one salary.

I think your DH is resentful because he is tired of working. I know my DH is tired of working. He finds me taking a nap, and thinks "I never get to take a nap during the day" and he gets resentful.

But when I point out to him all the things I do, and ask him if he'd like to switch places, he backs off completely, wanders away and "forgets" about it until the next time he starts to feel jealous that I have more freedom than he does, even though I do crappy jobs like cleaning the bathroom, buying groceries, fixing the washing machine (yes!), etc. etc.

FWIW, I've wanted for years to go back to work, had part time jobs, but DH has not made any effort to pick up the slack enough to allow me to get a job.

Maybe your DH just loves to complain, OP? I've been making a slow, steady effort to set up a home-based business, and DH has been helping me on occasion, even though I've begged him over and over to do so. It proves his hypocrisy, but I keep plugging away, knowing that I will get there in time, with or without his help. When that happens, he'll have nothing to complain about, and the balance of power will shift. I look forward to that day because I'm tired of absorbing his resentment. Men really are such babies.

But once your kids are in school full time, the child care aspects of SAH diminish.

Do you have kids? If you did, you would know it is different, more complex and requires a whole set of skills

Yes, I have two and I work full time. Once your kids are in school six to seven hours a day, that frees up a lot of time. I'm sorry, but groceries, cooking, cleaning, school activities, home repairs, etc., take up some time, but not 30 hours+ if you have basic organizational skills.

+100.

And this is why their husbands are fed up. It's stressful bring sole breadwinner. Throw in a wife that busts their balls for any bit of downtime or not taking the kids all weekend so she can have a 'break' and we see why men are fed up.

To all sons---don't fall for the woman that never plans to work once the kids come al

Along. Much better when there is an equal balance of power (or close to it ) on work and home front.

[Anonymous]

OP, go to work, at least part time.

It will be good for you as well as help your relationship with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I assume he doesn't like his job all that much and it seems like you have the better end of the deal. I don't think I could handle having to go to a job I dislike every day while paying for my spouse to stay home and *not* have to go to a job they dislike every day.

Whether it "makes sense" or not for you not to work, whether it is the deal you guys agreed on, my guess is he's feeling the pressure of being the sole provider and sometimes resents it. He may need to take some time off or scale back, if possible.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him you would like to get a job, at least part time. Figure out what you could bring in. Sit down and review the "other" to dos that will now have to be split up.

If he turns down your offer, he is not allowed to be a self pitying brat anymore.

I WOHM and I *wish* I had someone like you to do all my "other" stuff for me OP!