Husband seems to resent my not working
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Anonymous
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Not sure what to do. I am a SAHM and my husband works in a field where he makes a high income and travels. We decided several years ago that it didn't make sense for me to continue to work, that the stress on the family was too much, we wanted more stability for our kids, etc. But every day my husband goes to work he seems resentful that I am not.
I have tried to talk to him about this and he says that he doesn't want me to go back to work, but that he just doesn't want to go to work either. I am not very materialistic, so I have absolutely given him the latitude to change jobs, work less and in something he might like better. He does like our lifestyle a lot and is pretty attached to it. I t's not like I do nothing. Granted, the kids are now school aged, but as everyone knows there still is a lot to do, and as he travels, I do all the kid stuff; finances; house needs; social needs; aging parent needs; etc. And I am not complaining, that is my job and I am happy to do my part. I just don't know what to do about this resentment that is pouring out of him at times. Thanks. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like he is unhappy and depressed and that it has little to do with you. Does he see a therapist? Would he? |
Anonymous
| He might just not be very happy at his job. I'd make it very clear that (1) you appreciate the work he does, and (2) if he finds another job that he likes better, you are 100 percent behind him. |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately, this is the ebb and flow of life. Unless he wants to discuss real adjustments to your partnership, I wouldn't entertain his various moods. Don't make it convenient for him to take it out on you. |
Anonymous
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Agree with PPs. It sounds like your dh is unhappy and taking it out on you. He may be a little jealous that he's discontent and you're not, but in his heart of hearts he may know that your current situation is what you two agreed on and what works for him. Talk to him about his unhappiness and how it is affecting the tenor of your relationship, not about whether he wants you to work. I would express your concern about him but in a firm way that encourages him to own his emotional health. He may need to get a therapist or at least do some serious soul searching.
As a secondary matter, you may want to ask yourself if you want to try to get a job, and if so then start making moves to do that. But it should be because you want to, not because you are reacting to his moods. If he's unhappy in his work he will still be unhappy if you are working too, (perhaps more so because then he would have to step up more at home to cover the things that you're handling now.) |
Anonymous
| More fellatio. |
Anonymous
I agree with PP's. This isn't about you OP. It's about him. "You don't seem happy. Your tone is often angry and I'm not feeling connected to you as a partner. I'm trying really hard to help, and I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that something has to change. I can't be the receptacle for all your resentment and anger. Some options are to see a therapist and be screened for depression, for us to see a counselor together and for you to change jobs to one where you're happy. Continuing as we have been is not an option. This is something we can work on together. What are your thoughts?" |
Anonymous
Great advice everyone, Thank you! |
Anonymous
This post might seem like pure humor but I'd like to ask OP in all seriousness how is your sexlife? More importantly (for this discussion) how would your H answer that? |
Anonymous
I'm a woman and I second this. I know that lack of sex is a major source of tension between my BFF (who is a SAHM) and her high earner husband. |
Anonymous
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Just to be sure, do you think that he feels "nagged" or unappreciated by you?
I know of some relationships with high income DHs and SAHMs where the DH gradually gets resentful because he feels that his SAHM is constantly criticizing him (typically about not spending enough time with various kid-related activities) and doesn't appreciate his work. Your post suggests that you are pretty reasonable, so maybe he's just unhappy and unfairly taking it out on you. If that's the case, then you just need to call him out in that and make him understand that HE is ultimately the one who is choosing his current unhappy situation and he needs to change it if he is unhappy. |
Anonymous
| And by "change," I mean change careers, focus on his health, physical or mental, etc. |
Anonymous
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Why not get a part time job? As you noted, the kids are school aged now so you have some free time, it's fair to have you contribute some no? That will also take some of the stress off him because he won't have to be the sole provider.
Also, it puts both of you just a little closer to retiring early! 
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Anonymous
| Let me do the math: he earns $2.5M per year, all of our accounts are fully paid up. If I went back to law after 10 years out, um, how would that work? Not to mention that we both prefer that I SAH. |
Anonymous
I think that would add more stress, we are very comfortable financially. I've offered though! |