"Giving" MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a hateful thread. She is giving you things because she is thinking of your family. It may be a misdirected action but the sentiment is not misplaced.

There is something called grace. If you cannot change a situation for the better then the graceful thing is to accept it with a smile and a "thank you".

You can distribute the food, distribute the clothes, donate it etc. The issue seems more that OPs house is a mess and any thing more that comes to her house triggers a stress response in her.

Ask your MIL - would she be willing to chip in some money to get you a professional organizer? Share your concern about how your house is cluttered and you want to declutter it. These are genuine concerns - but not worth alienating your MIL. And how do you think your DH feels about it? Do you think that he thinks you are a nice person or does he think you are a mean person?

Do not create unneccessary tensions in your family!

This is a quote from somebody who either has hoarding disorder and is looking for an excuse or has no clue what it's like to deal with a parent with hoarding disorder. Honestly, I'd love to be in a place in my life where I was that naive about hoarding. It almost makes me laugh. OP, just ignore this PP. This is useless.

OP, it sounds like your DH grew up with a parent who hoards. He has probably been dealing with weird forms of this his whole life. It may take him time to see the pattern. Is your house cluttered in part because your husband has inherited patterns from his family of origin? Does he perceive an issue?

Also, the financial issues are common with people who have hoarding disorder. I think they are two sides to the same mental disorder.

Finally, IMO, don't bother donating. Just find a trash bin on the way out of town and dump it. It's not worth your time. Frankly a lot of the GW stores end up just enabling other hoarders whose families then have one more thing to deal with. Just get it out of your life in one stop to the garbage bin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is really ok to stand up for yourself. You need to find a place where you are ok, even if it is not ideal.

You might also consider seeing your MIL less, seeing her in public places where she can't foist furniture in you, and/or sending DH and using that time to so something nice for yourself.

Anything you can do to relieve that mental burden. It sounds like you need a break.

Thanks. That helps, and you're right. I am under a lot of stress and this is only one example of the issues with MIL, frankly one of the less serious ones. I really didn't want things to be like this, I wanted to have a good relationship with her, but it has gotten to a bad place and I don't feel comfortable at all around her - being around her gives me a lot of anxiety and I always need several days to recover from one short visit. It's really not a good situation. I will continue to try to figure it out.

PP here. OP, you sound like a kind, reasonable person who has made a good faith effort to have a relationship with her MIL. But if the overgifting is the least serious issue...there are major problems with your MIL, and they sound beyond your fixing. So, it's time to stop hoping for a good and normal relationship with your MIL and start thinking about what's reasonable to expect given the situation you're in.

For now, I'd invite you to "drop the rope" as relates to your MIL. What that means is that you stop doing anything as relates to her. No phone calls, no e-mails, no sending photos of the baby, no gift purchases, no visits...tell your DH that your MIL is getting to you, that you're taking a break, and everything related to his mother is now up to him. Does he want to visit his mom without you? Will he call and schedule a visit? Is he relying on you to keep her updated about the baby? Step back, way way back, and see what kind of a relationship naturally occurs with DH in charge of the relationship with his mother.

If he protests, ask him if you expect him to do those things for your mother. If she's as much trouble as you describe, I think you might find that he won't do half of what you've been doing with you also involved. And if he comes back from visits and complains, just acknowledge it and move on. Let him stew on it. You use that time to clear your head and see what might be a tolerable standard for your involvement in the long term. Ultimately, you might both need a counselor, if you're dealing with a hoarder or other untreated mental illness, but for now, for you, the best thing you can do is step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hateful thread. She is giving you things because she is thinking of your family. It may be a misdirected action but the sentiment is not misplaced.

There is something called grace. If you cannot change a situation for the better then the graceful thing is to accept it with a smile and a "thank you".

You can distribute the food, distribute the clothes, donate it etc. The issue seems more that OPs house is a mess and any thing more that comes to her house triggers a stress response in her.

Ask your MIL - would she be willing to chip in some money to get you a professional organizer? Share your concern about how your house is cluttered and you want to declutter it. These are genuine concerns - but not worth alienating your MIL. And how do you think your DH feels about it? Do you think that he thinks you are a nice person or does he think you are a mean person?

Do not create unneccessary tensions in your family!

This is a quote from somebody who either has hoarding disorder and is looking for an excuse or has no clue what it's like to deal with a parent with hoarding disorder. Honestly, I'd love to be in a place in my life where I was that naive about hoarding. It almost makes me laugh. OP, just ignore this PP. This is useless.

OP, it sounds like your DH grew up with a parent who hoards. He has probably been dealing with weird forms of this his whole life. It may take him time to see the pattern. Is your house cluttered in part because your husband has inherited patterns from his family of origin? Does he perceive an issue?

Also, the financial issues are common with people who have hoarding disorder. I think they are two sides to the same mental disorder.

Finally, IMO, don't bother donating. Just find a trash bin on the way out of town and dump it. It's not worth your time. Frankly a lot of the GW stores end up just enabling other hoarders whose families then have one more thing to deal with. Just get it out of your life in one stop to the garbage bin.

Thanks. Yeah, the more I read the above post, the more it seemed deranged to me. Ask my MIL for money for a professional organizer??? What? The whole point was that my MIL is spending money that she doesn't have. This person clearly does not understand the dynamics of this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hateful thread. She is giving you things because she is thinking of your family. It may be a misdirected action but the sentiment is not misplaced.

There is something called grace. If you cannot change a situation for the better then the graceful thing is to accept it with a smile and a "thank you".

You can distribute the food, distribute the clothes, donate it etc. The issue seems more that OPs house is a mess and any thing more that comes to her house triggers a stress response in her.

Ask your MIL - would she be willing to chip in some money to get you a professional organizer? Share your concern about how your house is cluttered and you want to declutter it. These are genuine concerns - but not worth alienating your MIL. And how do you think your DH feels about it? Do you think that he thinks you are a nice person or does he think you are a mean person?

Do not create unneccessary tensions in your family!

OP here. I mean, I'm asking for input and I appreciate it but I don't think it's fair for you to say that the thread is "hateful" when I open it by saying I already feel bad about this and am looking for ways to deal. I think your comment is far more "hateful" than my thread.

Point about creating unnecessary tensions is well taken, but my point is more that I'm not so sure these tensions are unnecessary at this point. Are my choices to fill my house with my MIL's clutter or get a divorce? Surely not. I would argue she is creating some unnecessary tensions by not respecting reasonable wishes. I honestly don't think it's particularly graceful to say thank you for something and then immediately hit the salvation army box - to me that's not grace, that's placating. But some others on this thread have made the point that it might be worth placating - if so, fine.

My DH agrees with me on the merits but is sensitive about the tension... that's actually part of why I wanted to ask for advice.

Thanks again.

OP Hoarder relative here. Look there are lots of hoarders and borderlines hoarders out there. It sounds like you MIL is one of them. Refusing anything will hurt her feelings and so will putting DH in the middle. Just take it and trash it without guilt. There are times in your life when you don't have time or mental energy to "recycle" all this junk. Its not your job, anyway. Just use your local trash service. Also Purple Heart will come to your home -- but check out all the stuff they don't take. We are practically drowning in JUNK in this country. Every time I get rid of more of MILs junk, I have more room in my home and it stays so much neater. Space! You are paying $200-400 a square foot for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hateful thread. She is giving you things because she is thinking of your family. It may be a misdirected action but the sentiment is not misplaced.

There is something called grace. If you cannot change a situation for the better then the graceful thing is to accept it with a smile and a "thank you".

You can distribute the food, distribute the clothes, donate it etc. The issue seems more that OPs house is a mess and any thing more that comes to her house triggers a stress response in her.

Ask your MIL - would she be willing to chip in some money to get you a professional organizer? Share your concern about how your house is cluttered and you want to declutter it. These are genuine concerns - but not worth alienating your MIL. And how do you think your DH feels about it? Do you think that he thinks you are a nice person or does he think you are a mean person?

Do not create unneccessary tensions in your family!

OP here. I mean, I'm asking for input and I appreciate it but I don't think it's fair for you to say that the thread is "hateful" when I open it by saying I already feel bad about this and am looking for ways to deal. I think your comment is far more "hateful" than my thread.

Point about creating unnecessary tensions is well taken, but my point is more that I'm not so sure these tensions are unnecessary at this point. Are my choices to fill my house with my MIL's clutter or get a divorce? Surely not. I would argue she is creating some unnecessary tensions by not respecting reasonable wishes. I honestly don't think it's particularly graceful to say thank you for something and then immediately hit the salvation army box - to me that's not grace, that's placating. But some others on this thread have made the point that it might be worth placating - if so, fine.

My DH agrees with me on the merits but is sensitive about the tension... that's actually part of why I wanted to ask for advice.

Thanks again.

OP Hoarder relative here. Look there are lots of hoarders and borderlines hoarders out there. It sounds like you MIL is one of them. Refusing anything will hurt her feelings and so will putting DH in the middle. Just take it and trash it without guilt. There are times in your life when you don't have time or mental energy to "recycle" all this junk. Its not your job, anyway. Just use your local trash service. Also Purple Heart will come to your home -- but check out all the stuff they don't take. We are practically drowning in JUNK in this country. Every time I get rid of more of MILs junk, I have more room in my home and it stays so much neater. Space! You are paying $200-400 a square foot for it.

I found that explaining the storage in $/square foot thing helps with people who give "just a little something" gifts. We used to get 4 turtlenecks in an assortment of colors as gifts because they were on sale at Kohls or something. "I saved $15" was the reason they were given. "Your $15 costs me $30." It is tough to grasp.

We have a small house too. My MIL lived far away but had gifts sent to us, sometimes several a week, via QVC. I looked at it as a way for her to express to us that she wanted to be a part of our day to day, and it put me under an obligation to call and thank her for the gift. I'm not the one who wrote about grace, but if I looked at this as "she would do more for us if she could, but this is how she shows us she loves us," being cruel or dismissive is akin to taking a picture a child draws for you and ripping it up, because you have another plan for art.

You literally have no room for her to show you she loves you in your life, and you literally have no time to manage this.

If she gives you food you don't need, can you say, "Thank you, but you know what I always need at the store? WIPES! Also, bananas. Any time you see them on sale, I'd love it if you can grab some."
Ditch the food as soon as she leaves. If it comes in a plate that needs to go back, she may have an agenda, like wanting to visit again. She's building intimacy and a place in your life this way.

It is totally OK to ask her to fine tune her gifting. Outight rejecting is a little cold, in my humble opinion (as someone who just lost her mother in law, I'm biased).

We also use donation services that pick up stuff at 8 a.m. and leave us a receipt. At tax time, I'm glad I put it in a bag and asked them to get it (National Children's Center is one). I also purge more often thinking that my kid's size 2T pants that only kind of fit can clothe a child whose parents can't afford $10 for new ones.

"Thank you," doesn't mean "I love it."
"Thank you for thinking of us," means you love me and I know it. The transaction is over. If you now own the stuff (crap, if it is a better term) you can do ANYTHING you want with it. If she notices you never keep it, she may stop or at least, slow down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hateful thread. She is giving you things because she is thinking of your family. It may be a misdirected action but the sentiment is not misplaced.

There is something called grace. If you cannot change a situation for the better then the graceful thing is to accept it with a smile and a "thank you".

You can distribute the food, distribute the clothes, donate it etc. The issue seems more that OPs house is a mess and any thing more that comes to her house triggers a stress response in her.

Ask your MIL - would she be willing to chip in some money to get you a professional organizer? Share your concern about how your house is cluttered and you want to declutter it. These are genuine concerns - but not worth alienating your MIL. And how do you think your DH feels about it? Do you think that he thinks you are a nice person or does he think you are a mean person?

Do not create unneccessary tensions in your family!

OP here. I mean, I'm asking for input and I appreciate it but I don't think it's fair for you to say that the thread is "hateful" when I open it by saying I already feel bad about this and am looking for ways to deal. I think your comment is far more "hateful" than my thread.

Point about creating unnecessary tensions is well taken, but my point is more that I'm not so sure these tensions are unnecessary at this point. Are my choices to fill my house with my MIL's clutter or get a divorce? Surely not. I would argue she is creating some unnecessary tensions by not respecting reasonable wishes. I honestly don't think it's particularly graceful to say thank you for something and then immediately hit the salvation army box - to me that's not grace, that's placating. But some others on this thread have made the point that it might be worth placating - if so, fine.

My DH agrees with me on the merits but is sensitive about the tension... that's actually part of why I wanted to ask for advice.

Thanks again.

OP Hoarder relative here. Look there are lots of hoarders and borderlines hoarders out there. It sounds like you MIL is one of them. Refusing anything will hurt her feelings and so will putting DH in the middle. Just take it and trash it without guilt. There are times in your life when you don't have time or mental energy to "recycle" all this junk. Its not your job, anyway. Just use your local trash service. Also Purple Heart will come to your home -- but check out all the stuff they don't take. We are practically drowning in JUNK in this country. Every time I get rid of more of MILs junk, I have more room in my home and it stays so much neater. Space! You are paying $200-400 a square foot for it.

She definitely sounds like a hoarder. Ever watch Extreme Hoarding? A lot of those people featured actually rent additional storage space for their hoard because they've ran out of space at home. Your MIL is trying to use your house as her additional storage space. She can't get rid of it, so she sends it to you. She wants to use your house as her free storage room rather than pay for a big expensive room at the U-Haul facility. It would be a nightmare to tell her no, we don't want/need it. She'd go into panic mode. To her, this stuff is treasure. It's telling that she's not giving you anything of use or value. Seems like there is little to no real thoughtfulness behind her giving. It's not generosity. It's "where can I put this stuff? I know, my son's house!"

[Anonymous]

OP You don't have to give your MIL a diagnosis, or try to change her behavior, or put your DH in the middle -- just throw it away. Its not that hard once you try. Costco. Kohls. yard sale, your delicious cookies, cakes, extra sweaters, that cute ceramic, a new sweater, new clothes for the baby, extra shoes, a coat that does not fit anymore, a feather boa, a dress up hat, some plastic toys... good bye to all, and emotions go right along with it. Happiness! signed, hoarder relative.

[Anonymous]

"Thank you but we really don't have the room for it." Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'll elaborate on the small house thing. This has been actually a serious issue. We are both really stressed out about the lack of space and are constantly wanting to declutter but are overextended and haven't had the time. I have a really demanding job and he is self-employed but works full time too, and we're having a little growing pains getting used to being parents... our house looks like we have a mild case of hoarding. I can't have people over. We are actively trying to get rid of things at all times. Any influx not only puts stress on us at having to deal with it, create space for it, etc., but also just adds to this kind of background stress for both of us that strains our relationship. Does this change anybody's view or just make me look like even more of a whiner

We went through a similar phase and worked with a personal organizer. For what she accomplished, her rates were more than reasonable, and some of the best money spent on our house. It did take a lot of time. When we were dealing with "stuff" we had carried for a long time, it was also emotionally exhausting. Look for someone in your area and make sure you "click" with them. Some organizers are really pushy and obnoxious and officious. We worked with Flavia of Soothing Spaces. I don't know whether she takes clients from the full metro area or if she is even still actively taking clients. But she had a very soulful approach that made decision making easier and truly was soothing, and I would recommend that approach hands down. She helped us create more breathing space in our house. For what we were paying every month in our mortgage, it was like getting two-three more room's worth of space added to our house.

[Anonymous]

We also use donation services that pick up stuff at 8 a.m. and leave us a receipt. At tax time, I'm glad I put it in a bag and asked them to get it (National Children's Center is one). I also purge more often thinking that my kid's size 2T pants that only kind of fit can clothe a child whose parents can't afford $10 for new ones.


What is the name of the donation services?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We also use donation services that pick up stuff at 8 a.m. and leave us a receipt. At tax time, I'm glad I put it in a bag and asked them to get it (National Children's Center is one). I also purge more often thinking that my kid's size 2T pants that only kind of fit can clothe a child whose parents can't afford $10 for new ones.

What is the name of the donation services?

Not PP but Purple Heart, Vietnam Veterans of America, and Lupus Foundation all pick up from homes, among others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'll elaborate on the small house thing. This has been actually a serious issue. We are both really stressed out about the lack of space and are constantly wanting to declutter but are overextended and haven't had the time. I have a really demanding job and he is self-employed but works full time too, and we're having a little growing pains getting used to being parents... our house looks like we have a mild case of hoarding. I can't have people over. We are actively trying to get rid of things at all times. Any influx not only puts stress on us at having to deal with it, create space for it, etc., but also just adds to this kind of background stress for both of us that strains our relationship. Does this change anybody's view or just make me look like even more of a whiner

We went through a similar phase and worked with a personal organizer. For what she accomplished, her rates were more than reasonable, and some of the best money spent on our house. It did take a lot of time. When we were dealing with "stuff" we had carried for a long time, it was also emotionally exhausting. Look for someone in your area and make sure you "click" with them. Some organizers are really pushy and obnoxious and officious. We worked with Flavia of Soothing Spaces. I don't know whether she takes clients from the full metro area or if she is even still actively taking clients. But she had a very soulful approach that made decision making easier and truly was soothing, and I would recommend that approach hands down. She helped us create more breathing space in our house. For what we were paying every month in our mortgage, it was like getting two-three more room's worth of space added to our house.

Thanks, I always wondered about these. I will look into some options. it could give me some buffer with MIL too - "Personal organizer says we can't take any more of that kind of thing"...