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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a hateful thread.  She is giving you things because she is thinking of your family. It may be a misdirected action but the sentiment is not misplaced.

There is something called grace. If you cannot change a situation for the better then the graceful thing is to accept it with a smile and a "thank you".

You can distribute the food, distribute the clothes, donate it etc.  The issue seems more that OPs house is a mess and any thing more that comes to her house triggers a stress response in her.

Ask your MIL - would she be willing to chip in some money to get you a professional organizer?  Share your concern about how your house is cluttered and you want to declutter it.  These are genuine concerns - but not worth alienating your MIL.  And how do you think your DH feels about it?  Do you think that he thinks you are a nice person or does he think you are a mean person?

Do not create unneccessary tensions in your family![/quote]

OP here.  I mean, I'm asking for input and I appreciate it but I don't think it's fair for you to say that the thread is "hateful" when I open it by saying I already feel bad about this and am looking for ways to deal.  I think your comment is far more "hateful" than my thread.

Point about creating unnecessary tensions is well taken, but my point is more that I'm not so sure these tensions are unnecessary at this point.  Are my choices to fill my house with my MIL's clutter or get a divorce?  Surely not.  I would argue she is creating some unnecessary tensions by not respecting reasonable wishes.  I honestly don't think it's particularly graceful to say thank you for something and then immediately hit the salvation army box - to me that's not grace, that's placating.  But some others on this thread have made the point that it might be worth placating - if so, fine.

My DH agrees with me on the merits but is sensitive about the tension... that's actually part of why I wanted to ask for advice.

Thanks again.[/quote]

OP Hoarder relative here. Look there are lots of hoarders and borderlines hoarders out there. It sounds like you MIL is one of them. Refusing anything will hurt her feelings and so will putting DH in the middle. Just take it and trash it without guilt. There are times in your life when you don't have time or mental energy to "recycle" all this junk. Its not your job, anyway. Just use your local trash service. Also Purple Heart will come to your home -- but check out all the stuff they don't take. We are practically drowning in JUNK in this country. Every time I get rid of more of MILs junk, I have more room in my home and it stays so much neater. Space! You are paying $200-400 a square foot for it.[/quote]

I found that explaining the storage in $/square foot thing helps with people who give "just a little something" gifts.  We used to get 4 turtlenecks in an assortment of colors as gifts because they were on sale at Kohls or something. "I saved $15" was the reason they were given. "Your $15 costs me $30." It is tough to grasp.

We have a small house too. My MIL lived far away but had gifts sent to us, sometimes several a week, via QVC.  I looked at it as a way for her to express to us that she wanted to be a part of our day to day, and it put me under an obligation to call and thank her for the gift. I'm not the one who wrote about grace, but if I looked at this as "she would do more for us if she could, but this is how she shows us she loves us," being cruel or dismissive is akin to taking a picture a child draws for you and ripping it up, because you have another plan for art.

You literally have no room for her to show you she loves you in your life, and you literally have no time to manage this.

If she gives you food you don't need, can you say, "Thank you, but you know what I always need at the store? WIPES!  Also, bananas. Any time you see them on sale, I'd love it if you can grab some." 
Ditch the food as soon as she leaves.  If it comes in a plate that needs to go back, she may have an agenda, like wanting to visit again.  She's building intimacy and a place in your life this way.

It is totally OK to ask her to fine tune her gifting.  Outight rejecting is a little cold, in my humble opinion (as someone who just lost her mother in law, I'm biased).

We also use donation services that pick up stuff at 8 a.m. and leave us a receipt. At tax time, I'm glad I put it in a bag and asked them to get it (National Children's Center is one). I also purge more often thinking that my kid's size 2T pants that only kind of fit can clothe a child whose parents can't afford $10 for new ones.

"Thank you," doesn't mean "I love it." 
"Thank you for thinking of us," means you love me and I know it.  The transaction is over. If you now own the stuff (crap, if it is a better term) you can do ANYTHING you want with it. If she notices you never keep it, she may stop or at least, slow down. [/quote]

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