"Giving" MIL

[Anonymous]

This is my MIL. She did this before we were married, even living together. I came home from a business trip to a freezer FULL of Costco processed foods. Because 'He likes these things...' He of course, let her do it while I was gone and said nothing. I then told her, my house, I choose what goes in the freezer. So that stopped.

Then he moves in, we got married, she started with all the childhood stuff, "Oh, you loved this!" But now he's 40, so maybe not so much! We moved and lost the 'small house' excuse, she dug up a pellet gun. We have a little baby - who does that?? She's bringing over some old work awards for him. I wish she'd just throw it away as it hasn't been touched in 20 years. But she insists on this run up to death and cleaning out everything and giving it back to her kids. And yes at some point, she'll be the last item to end up in our house from hers - I'm sure of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If DH can't say it himself, warn him in advance that you will start to put your foot down and that the least he can do is shut up instead of sabotaging your efforts.

Say: "I'm so grateful, MIL, but our house is far too cluttered and I can't accept anymore gifts right now. No, we're not going to eat that."

Smile each time, use your friendly voice, and SAY NO. A hundred times per visit if need be.

This is what I'm doing now, and I can keep doing it. It's just weighing on me - it adds to my stress and I mildly resent DH for it even though I am really trying not to be like that. It fills me with dread to see her! I see other posters on the thread talking about me not alienating her, but what about her alienating me? Isn't this a two-way street where we're both adults and our preferences should be respected? If the answer is that MILs should just be placated, that's fine - that's why I asked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my MIL. She did this before we were married, even living together. I came home from a business trip to a freezer FULL of Costco processed foods. Because 'He likes these things...' He of course, let her do it while I was gone and said nothing. I then told her, my house, I choose what goes in the freezer. So that stopped.

Then he moves in, we got married, she started with all the childhood stuff, "Oh, you loved this!" But now he's 40, so maybe not so much! We moved and lost the 'small house' excuse, she dug up a pellet gun. We have a little baby - who does that?? She's bringing over some old work awards for him. I wish she'd just throw it away as it hasn't been touched in 20 years. But she insists on this run up to death and cleaning out everything and giving it back to her kids. And yes at some point, she'll be the last item to end up in our house from hers - I'm sure of it.

Yeah, I'm just choosing not to think about the last thing you said because I emotionally cannot handle that concept...

[Anonymous]

She won't stop. Sell, donate, re-gift...and pick your battles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a little side table/cabinet that she gave us for DD that I think is pretty ugly - you're saying I should just suck it up and keep it right?

Yep. My MIL and mom constantly give me hideous things. Especially clothes for my kids. At first I wanted to say something and then I realized I could use the clothes as filler play clothes. Problem solved! As for the side table...put in the play room/area...

You saw the part where I said I have a small house right? There is no play room/area. Hahahahahaha. There is barely enough floor room to put my baby down! And we rent storage space and that's full too. We are planning on moving to a new house within the next 2 years but until then...

I would tell her that the baby needs more space to move around because her bedroom is so cluttered it's not safe, and you are going to pass on the side table, but first wanted to check if she wants it back. Do not allow someone else's hoarding to become your hoard to manage. Don't let her give you more shit when you move to a bigger house. Then you'll just have even more shit you don't like. I had to tell my MIL to stop. "Jane, I need to talk with you about something and I want to apologize in advance if this hurts your feelings. I genuinely appreciate how much you give David and me. For the house, for Larla... I know you do it because you love and want to help us. The thing is, having so much stuff is starting to hurt us which I know is the exact opposite of what you want. We are trying to have free space in our house, more than we do, and to keep floor space to a maximum. (You may be tempted to use the word clutter at this point but don't - clutter implies garbage and you don't want to imply she gives you trash.) We absolutely know you love us - you don't have to give us tangible things to show your love. If we could just stick to exchanging gifts on the major holidays that would be great."

She will be hurt and may even cry. But after saying this stick to it. When she tries to give you more stuff after that talk give it back saying "Oh thank you so much Jane! But we can't accept this - we're really trying to limit the new things that come into the house these days, remember? I love you for wanting us to have this." It will be awkward and embarrassing but after a few times she'll stop, to save herself the embarrassment of having her things rejected. Keep reiterating that you feel her love because that's where this comes from. She just shows her love by giving things, and it's hard to change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She won't stop. Sell, donate, re-gift...and pick your battles

But it seems like this is a frequent situation for OP and their place is already filled to bursting. This IS a battle to pick, as in it should be addressed rather than allowing it to go on and on and on. How many time does OP want to pack up items and go to Goodwill, pack away keepsakes for "later", find nooks and crannies for offloaded gifts.

Just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'll elaborate on the small house thing. This has been actually a serious issue. We are both really stressed out about the lack of space and are constantly wanting to declutter but are overextended and haven't had the time. I have a really demanding job and he is self-employed but works full time too, and we're having a little growing pains getting used to being parents... our house looks like we have a mild case of hoarding. I can't have people over. We are actively trying to get rid of things at all times. Any influx not only puts stress on us at having to deal with it, create space for it, etc., but also just adds to this kind of background stress for both of us that strains our relationship. Does this change anybody's view or just make me look like even more of a whiner

This does not make you a whiner. We have lived in very small places and now are in a slightly less small place, but still planning to buy in the next 2 years. I just tell my mom and MIL over and over - while we're getting ready to move, we just can't buy or accept any seasonal decorations or household items. I also let them see how I have wedding gifts still in boxes because of space issues. I have trained them that there are certain things we always welcome and now we have plenty of those things - hand lotion, black tights, and candles for me. Dark chocolate, mixed nuts, and running shirts / sporty clothes for DH. I keep an Amazon list of baby / kid stuff and tell the grandmas "if you see this on sale, or at a garage sale/thrift store, we could use one". They seem to love the "hunt" and also collecting diaper coupons for me. They also buy DH and I books and kids books. Books have no size and while a pain to move, it feels less like "junk" cluttering my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'll elaborate on the small house thing. This has been actually a serious issue. We are both really stressed out about the lack of space and are constantly wanting to declutter but are overextended and haven't had the time. I have a really demanding job and he is self-employed but works full time too, and we're having a little growing pains getting used to being parents... our house looks like we have a mild case of hoarding. I can't have people over. We are actively trying to get rid of things at all times. Any influx not only puts stress on us at having to deal with it, create space for it, etc., but also just adds to this kind of background stress for both of us that strains our relationship. Does this change anybody's view or just make me look like even more of a whiner

This does not make you a whiner. We have lived in very small places and now are in a slightly less small place, but still planning to buy in the next 2 years. I just tell my mom and MIL over and over - while we're getting ready to move, we just can't buy or accept any seasonal decorations or household items. I also let them see how I have wedding gifts still in boxes because of space issues. I have trained them that there are certain things we always welcome and now we have plenty of those things - hand lotion, black tights, and candles for me. Dark chocolate, mixed nuts, and running shirts / sporty clothes for DH. I keep an Amazon list of baby / kid stuff and tell the grandmas "if you see this on sale, or at a garage sale/thrift store, we could use one". They seem to love the "hunt" and also collecting diaper coupons for me. They also buy DH and I books and kids books. Books have no size and while a pain to move, it feels less like "junk" cluttering my house.

Thanks, these are great ideas. I am a bit pessimistic that any instruction would be useful (in my experience she likes to help/give but only on her terms) but I will definitely give it a shot. She does occasionally ask before she gives, so the whole "on the lookout" thing may be good for her.

[Anonymous]

This is hoarder giving, not normal giving. With normal giving, the giftgiver understands and tries to gift what is needed: in your case small things that don't add to clutter, etc. Hoarder giving is about control, not about truly wishing to gift.

My mom has hoarding disorder. I have lived this for years. It is not a way of expressing love. It is a mental issue. I do not pretend to like the gifts anymore as my opinion is largely irrelevant. I use Freecycle a lot and just throw out a lot. I resent the work it causes, but it is a mental health issue and I try to keep that in mind.

[Anonymous]

I am immediate PP, and I meant to add that it feels terrible to just toss new things, but with hoarding disorder in the family, it is the price I pay. I hate it, but it is the cost of mental illness. I do not have the ability or time to act as a remote processing center for my mom's hoard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hoarder giving, not normal giving. With normal giving, the giftgiver understands and tries to gift what is needed: in your case small things that don't add to clutter, etc. Hoarder giving is about control, not about truly wishing to gift.

My mom has hoarding disorder. I have lived this for years. It is not a way of expressing love. It is a mental issue. I do not pretend to like the gifts anymore as my opinion is largely irrelevant. I use Freecycle a lot and just throw out a lot. I resent the work it causes, but it is a mental health issue and I try to keep that in mind.

What a great term: "hoarder giving"! I have hoarders in my family too, and this describes it perfectly. When someone goes overboard giving something things, it becomes hurtful, and if the giver won't listen or change, then it strains the relationship between the giver and the recipient. It's dysfunctional at that point. My hoarding relative would be appalled to know how many things he's given me that I have given away, but at some point hundreds of books is just too much.

OP, I was going to ask if your MIL hoards or compulsively shops. If so, you're not dealing with a normal person, you're dealing with someone with an untreated mental illness, and all the perfectly reasonable things you might say about not having room in your small house just won't compute. And the person will have a completely irrational response to you giving things away. It is in no way your responsibility to let your MIL's problem clutter your house.

Talk to DH. See if he's masking discomfort that he's held back for years because "that's just how Mom is." Agree between the two of you what limits you will set, whether it's not accepting things or how to get rid of them. Tell him, and I would emphasize this point, that if he isn't the voice of those boundaries with his mother, you will be, and it won't be as good. He needs to be willing to respond whenever she offers something you don't want or when you get rid of something and she asks about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the daughter of a woman who could be your MIL:

My mother has gone through this with my brother and SIL (I've posted about it here before). It's been an ugly, ugly 13 years (my nephew's age, which is when this started) and it blew up this year. My SIL gave away a dollhouse my mother had painstakingly outfitted for my two nieces and my mother went ballistic and there's irreparable damage. There are two sides to every story, of course, and my SIL insists that the girls just didn't like the dollhouse and that their pregnant teacher would love it for her soon-to-be-baby girl. Unfortunately, this followed situations such as when my SIL made my brother return all the Christmas gifts my mother had given their three children: he came over and got the receipts and returned several hours later and gave my mother back the money. Unlike your MIL, my parents aren't in financial distress but like you, my SIL and brother just couldn't deal with the clutter. Now (and please don't take offense) my whole family is dealing with a much more serious kind of clutter-- emotional stuff that you can't throw, give, or put away, unfortunately.

I am sure you will get all kinds of feedback on this, and I really don't have the right answer for you, except to ask you if it's really worth alienating your MIL over all this. Can't you share the food at work or with friends if you really can't use it or if it's just too much junk food? For the clothes, can you ask her to store them until your next trip since they're bigger than your DC needs?

I know that you're worried about her spending unnecessarily but you're not going to be able to control that (and if she's like my mother, she may be going to thrift shops and Goodwill, etc.).

There is NO good answer here but I would hate to see you in a situation such as my family confronts now where there is so much tension that you can cut knives in the room. You can't control or change your MIL but you can control your own actions and I honestly think that it'll be less painful for you to swallow really, really hard and accept some of this rather than to confront.

Good luck: I know it's hard.

The reason for this is not your SIL. It's the rest of you who are upset that your SIL set boundaries and she changed the way she deals with MIL. This forces all of you into an uncomfortable situation because there is anger and hard feelings that "hey how come SIL could stick up for herself. That's not fair. We have to still deal with all the junk and crap." So the good answer is this - acknowledge that your SIL set boundaries, it's perfectly reasonable to do so, that you all are capable of doing it and it has nothing to do with loving or not loving MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feel free to tell me I'm a b****. I totally feel like one.

My MIL is one of those who always has to give us something every time she visits or we visit. Food AND other gifts. Our house is small and we are already totally stressed from the clutter. I feel like I constantly have a wall up with her, having to reject so many things. The past several visits she has given our DD (6 months) clothing that she's at least a year away from fitting into. She also gives me things like hideous pajamas "because [I'm] always cold."

With the food at her house she'll ask if we want it, I'll say no, then she'll ask again, then I'll ask DH and then say no, then she'll ask DH herself. It's this whole stressful production and it ends up adding a ton to what we have to put in our car. This time she even emailed after we left saying she froze X for next time! Making DH responsible for it won't work. DH just kind of acts lazy about it all and will end up conveying ambivalence, at which point she just forces as much as she can on us. So lately I've taken to just accepting one or two things for the sake of it, and if I think there's any chance we'll use it, and firmly but politely reject the rest (and occasionally get overruled by DH's ambivalence).

But in the end, I get that this is a minor annoyance, and she is trying to be thoughtful and I think it makes her feel good because she wants to "give," so is the answer that I should just deal with it?

If it makes a difference, I am concerned about 2 things, and not sure how legitimate they are. (1) that down the road, she'll insist on sending us home with a bunch of junk food and once the baby and any future kids are old enough that will put us in the position of having to be bad guy. I wouldn't mind them eating occasional junk while they're at their grandmother's, but seriously, she wants to send us home with weeks worth of sugary stuff - (2) that she has no $ - her kids are already increasingly supporting her - and she's spending what little she does have on things that we don't need or want.

The baby is only 6 months. She is very excited right now and it's all new. Wait a year or two and see if it die down.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to this. I have often wished that my girls had the grandma who would buy them a $100 American Girl doll once a year instead of 100 toys from the dollar store....thankfully, most of the things we get are small (and break easily so then they're gone). She also buys us things she thinks we need, but is kind enough to always include a gift receipt (I don't think I've paid for anything at Macys with my own money for years!).
We did make a rule about no more large toys that she has followed--she went through a period where every time she saw a large stuffed toy, she would buy it. There was not room on the bed for the kids anymore --which she did understand once she saw with her own eyes.
So maybe start with one item/area (no more furniture, toys, towels, whatever) and see if she can hold that line.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am immediate PP, and I meant to add that it feels terrible to just toss new things, but with hoarding disorder in the family, it is the price I pay. I hate it, but it is the cost of mental illness. I do not have the ability or time to act as a remote processing center for my mom's hoard.

Yes, I think this is part of what is going on, but it's hard to be sure because she has a "business" of selling stuff on ebay (as far as I can tell it is not very successful and nets loss for her) so to the extent her house is full of random stuff no one needs, that's the reason why. I can try to keep managing myself, subject to the feelings of overwhelm and dread I have... but then my concern is kind of what PP said, that she's going to become horribly offended if I give away the wrong thing. The food I can just toss (though like I said before I'm nervous about looking mean if my kids want to keep it). The hideous pajamas and the like I can probably get away with giving away, the furniture not so much. Luckily, most of the furniture she tries to give us is too big to just bring to us herself so she has to ask us to come get it, and we always say no in that case.