"Giving" MIL

[Anonymous]

My MIL did this also. She was constantly "yard sale shopping" then giving it to my DH. It got so bad that he had a rental unit that he stored it all in. When I found out, I was pretty pissed. People who "throw away" their things on you are just crazy. Notice they do not throw away anything valuable to you, like their diamond jewelry.
OP in your place I would just discard it as soon as possible. Wouldn't bother with donations all that hassle, just straight into the trash. So much easier, especially at this time in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feel free to tell me I'm a b****. I totally feel like one.

My MIL is one of those who always has to give us something every time she visits or we visit. Food AND other gifts. Our house is small and we are already totally stressed from the clutter. I feel like I constantly have a wall up with her, having to reject so many things. The past several visits she has given our DD (6 months) clothing that she's at least a year away from fitting into. She also gives me things like hideous pajamas "because [I'm] always cold."

With the food at her house she'll ask if we want it, I'll say no, then she'll ask again, then I'll ask DH and then say no, then she'll ask DH herself. It's this whole stressful production and it ends up adding a ton to what we have to put in our car. This time she even emailed after we left saying she froze X for next time! Making DH responsible for it won't work. DH just kind of acts lazy about it all and will end up conveying ambivalence, at which point she just forces as much as she can on us. So lately I've taken to just accepting one or two things for the sake of it, and if I think there's any chance we'll use it, and firmly but politely reject the rest (and occasionally get overruled by DH's ambivalence).

But in the end, I get that this is a minor annoyance, and she is trying to be thoughtful and I think it makes her feel good because she wants to "give," so is the answer that I should just deal with it?

If it makes a difference, I am concerned about 2 things, and not sure how legitimate they are. (1) that down the road, she'll insist on sending us home with a bunch of junk food and once the baby and any future kids are old enough that will put us in the position of having to be bad guy. I wouldn't mind them eating occasional junk while they're at their grandmother's, but seriously, she wants to send us home with weeks worth of sugary stuff - (2) that she has no $ - her kids are already increasingly supporting her - and she's spending what little she does have on things that we don't need or want.

The baby is only 6 months. She is very excited right now and it's all new. Wait a year or two and see if it die down.

Well, the issue has been going on for far longer than that DD has been in existence The first few times I met her I thought it was kind of endearing how we always had to leave her house with several bags of food and stuff, but given our living situation right now it's causing a lot of stress. I am absolutely certain this will continue, I just need to figure out the best way to manage it before DD gets old enough that MIL is asking DD if she wants the food, or giving DD a bunch of stuff directly. I have no doubt this will happen - once she asked DH's friends' kids if they wanted lollipops without asking the parents. The parents said no. She then CONTINUED to offer the kids lollipops, but the parents continued to say no. The kids were like "but the lady said..." and the parents were like "I don't care what the lady said, you aren't having lollipops." And MIL was like "really, they can't even take one for later?" And the parents were like, no, not unless you're going to be around to deal with them after they eat it. At that point it becomes kind of a respect issue to me, but I am open to the perspective that I'm overreacting if it's the kid's own grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feel free to tell me I'm a b****. I totally feel like one.

My MIL is one of those who always has to give us something every time she visits or we visit. Food AND other gifts. Our house is small and we are already totally stressed from the clutter. I feel like I constantly have a wall up with her, having to reject so many things. The past several visits she has given our DD (6 months) clothing that she's at least a year away from fitting into. She also gives me things like hideous pajamas "because [I'm] always cold."

With the food at her house she'll ask if we want it, I'll say no, then she'll ask again, then I'll ask DH and then say no, then she'll ask DH herself. It's this whole stressful production and it ends up adding a ton to what we have to put in our car. This time she even emailed after we left saying she froze X for next time! Making DH responsible for it won't work. DH just kind of acts lazy about it all and will end up conveying ambivalence, at which point she just forces as much as she can on us. So lately I've taken to just accepting one or two things for the sake of it, and if I think there's any chance we'll use it, and firmly but politely reject the rest (and occasionally get overruled by DH's ambivalence).

But in the end, I get that this is a minor annoyance, and she is trying to be thoughtful and I think it makes her feel good because she wants to "give," so is the answer that I should just deal with it?

If it makes a difference, I am concerned about 2 things, and not sure how legitimate they are. (1) that down the road, she'll insist on sending us home with a bunch of junk food and once the baby and any future kids are old enough that will put us in the position of having to be bad guy. I wouldn't mind them eating occasional junk while they're at their grandmother's, but seriously, she wants to send us home with weeks worth of sugary stuff - (2) that she has no $ - her kids are already increasingly supporting her - and she's spending what little she does have on things that we don't need or want.

The baby is only 6 months. She is very excited right now and it's all new. Wait a year or two and see if it die down.

Well, the issue has been going on for far longer than that DD has been in existence The first few times I met her I thought it was kind of endearing how we always had to leave her house with several bags of food and stuff, but given our living situation right now it's causing a lot of stress. I am absolutely certain this will continue, I just need to figure out the best way to manage it before DD gets old enough that MIL is asking DD if she wants the food, or giving DD a bunch of stuff directly. I have no doubt this will happen - once she asked DH's friends' kids if they wanted lollipops without asking the parents. The parents said no. She then CONTINUED to offer the kids lollipops, but the parents continued to say no. The kids were like "but the lady said..." and the parents were like "I don't care what the lady said, you aren't having lollipops." And MIL was like "really, they can't even take one for later?" And the parents were like, no, not unless you're going to be around to deal with them after they eat it. At that point it becomes kind of a respect issue to me, but I am open to the perspective that I'm overreacting if it's the kid's own grandma.

I think you kidn of need to take this one as it comes. You can't predict how the future is going to go and you don't even know what type of personality your child is going to have. This just isn't one of those things you can manage pre-emptively. Obviously you know it could be an issue so you keep an eye on it, but with the amount of energy you are putting into it now you are risking turning it into a problem when it never would have been one.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are well within your rights to keep explaining, as politely but firmly as possible, that you guys are buried in stuff and very stressed about it and while you think she is so kind and generous and thoughtful, you simply don't have the room and can't accept anymore gifts for quite some time.

Another possibility for what might be motivating MIL (besides other plausible explanations already offered) occurred to me. Have you read The Love Languages books? One of the major categories of love language is gift-giving. My mom and my good friend both fall into this category. They LOVE to make and select presents for others, and present them as often as possible, and they positively glow when the favor is returned. Anyway. Just a thought. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Do you ever have her stay with you? I have had the same problem with the inlaws, but it has calmed down now that they have spent a few days in our small house with limited storage and two DCs and a dog. When I say we don't have room for that chair she found in her attic and ask what I can get rid of in order to accommodate it, the light goes on in her little brain and she has to admit that it's not something we can use.

[Anonymous]

Ask DH to put his foot down nicely with his mother, and tell her that you really appreciate the thought behind all the stuff, and you're concerned about her finances and would rather she stop spending on food and presents for you. Emphasize to DH that her spending on you is bad for her, in addition to filling up your house. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hoarder giving, not normal giving. With normal giving, the giftgiver understands and tries to gift what is needed: in your case small things that don't add to clutter, etc. Hoarder giving is about control, not about truly wishing to gift.

My mom has hoarding disorder. I have lived this for years. It is not a way of expressing love. It is a mental issue. I do not pretend to like the gifts anymore as my opinion is largely irrelevant. I use Freecycle a lot and just throw out a lot. I resent the work it causes, but it is a mental health issue and I try to keep that in mind.

+100 And remember also that most "hoarder" gifts have very little value --check it out on EBay. There are many "collectables" that have a negative value. Most of that stuff you can't even give away. So just throw it away. Hoarders love to make you feel "guilty" for discarding their junk. But that is just a mental illness that they are sharing with you.
Also a BIG +1 on Costco food. Most of it is either perishable or junk food. If I needed a trip to Costco, I would do it myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are well within your rights to keep explaining, as politely but firmly as possible, that you guys are buried in stuff and very stressed about it and while you think she is so kind and generous and thoughtful, you simply don't have the room and can't accept anymore gifts for quite some time.

Another possibility for what might be motivating MIL (besides other plausible explanations already offered) occurred to me. Have you read The Love Languages books? One of the major categories of love language is gift-giving. My mom and my good friend both fall into this category. They LOVE to make and select presents for others, and present them as often as possible, and they positively glow when the favor is returned. Anyway. Just a thought. Good luck, OP.

Yes, I've read them, and DH and I have discussed this extensively. I'm sure this is a big part of what is going on as well. I'm on the fence about reciprocating because we've tried it and indeed she DOES positively glow, and it only makes her give more, even though that makes me feel horrible. The ironic thing is that she rejects stuff she doesn't want too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the daughter of a woman who could be your MIL:

My mother has gone through this with my brother and SIL (I've posted about it here before). It's been an ugly, ugly 13 years (my nephew's age, which is when this started) and it blew up this year. My SIL gave away a dollhouse my mother had painstakingly outfitted for my two nieces and my mother went ballistic and there's irreparable damage. There are two sides to every story, of course, and my SIL insists that the girls just didn't like the dollhouse and that their pregnant teacher would love it for her soon-to-be-baby girl. Unfortunately, this followed situations such as when my SIL made my brother return all the Christmas gifts my mother had given their three children: he came over and got the receipts and returned several hours later and gave my mother back the money. Unlike your MIL, my parents aren't in financial distress but like you, my SIL and brother just couldn't deal with the clutter. Now (and please don't take offense) my whole family is dealing with a much more serious kind of clutter-- emotional stuff that you can't throw, give, or put away, unfortunately.

I am sure you will get all kinds of feedback on this, and I really don't have the right answer for you, except to ask you if it's really worth alienating your MIL over all this. Can't you share the food at work or with friends if you really can't use it or if it's just too much junk food? For the clothes, can you ask her to store them until your next trip since they're bigger than your DC needs?

I know that you're worried about her spending unnecessarily but you're not going to be able to control that (and if she's like my mother, she may be going to thrift shops and Goodwill, etc.).

There is NO good answer here but I would hate to see you in a situation such as my family confronts now where there is so much tension that you can cut knives in the room. You can't control or change your MIL but you can control your own actions and I honestly think that it'll be less painful for you to swallow really, really hard and accept some of this rather than to confront.

Good luck: I know it's hard.

The doll house thing is a classic. research this: doll houses are an ADULT hobby. Children do not really like them much after the age of 6. Or the ones they like are the cheap plastic ones that they pick out. That is a classic hoarder gift! "I worked so hard on it ... so may hours", now out of my house and into yours with a big load of guilt attached. You can NEVER get rid of it or I will CRY. Sound manipulative?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I am PP with a hoarder parent, and I am cheering SIL from here.

I forgot to add about the food: just throw it out. I do not accept anything that passed through my mom's kitchen. I have thrown out expired food more times than I can count. I would not let your young DC eat food unless you are positive of date of purchase, it has remained sealed, and it doesn't need special storage including basics such as refrigeration.

The love languages thing doesn't apply to hoarding disorder. It's a mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Let her know how much you have to give to Goodwill and thank her for the helpful tax write-off.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is always trying to foist random crap on us. Our policy is to accept anything that isn't an actual hardship for us to take--like, if we're flying and it won't fit in our luggage, we don't take it. Then, we get rid of it--trash it if it's garbage, donate it, give it away on the neighborhood listserv, whatever. If we visit by car, we let her load it up with random stuff she found in the basement and hit the Salvation Army donation box on the way out of town.

Don't keep stuff you don't want.

The spending too much money thing is an issue if you'll be expected to or feel obligated to help her out when she exceeds her financial limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is always trying to foist random crap on us. Our policy is to accept anything that isn't an actual hardship for us to take--like, if we're flying and it won't fit in our luggage, we don't take it. Then, we get rid of it--trash it if it's garbage, donate it, give it away on the neighborhood listserv, whatever. If we visit by car, we let her load it up with random stuff she found in the basement and hit the Salvation Army donation box on the way out of town.

Don't keep stuff you don't want.

The spending too much money thing is an issue if you'll be expected to or feel obligated to help her out when she exceeds her financial limits.

+1. We handle stuff from my MIL in exactly the same way.

The only things we handle differently are things she gives us that were actually family items (e.g., her old dining room set). These I refuse to accept unless I am willing to use them or store them because I don't want to be the one who disposed of a family "heirloom." (I use that term very, very loosely.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is always trying to foist random crap on us. Our policy is to accept anything that isn't an actual hardship for us to take--like, if we're flying and it won't fit in our luggage, we don't take it. Then, we get rid of it--trash it if it's garbage, donate it, give it away on the neighborhood listserv, whatever. If we visit by car, we let her load it up with random stuff she found in the basement and hit the Salvation Army donation box on the way out of town.

Don't keep stuff you don't want.

The spending too much money thing is an issue if you'll be expected to or feel obligated to help her out when she exceeds her financial limits.

+1. We handle stuff from my MIL in exactly the same way.

The only things we handle differently are things she gives us that were actually family items (e.g., her old dining room set). These I refuse to accept unless I am willing to use them or store them because I don't want to be the one who disposed of a family "heirloom." (I use that term very, very loosely.)

MIL was perplexed when none of her grown children wanted the heavy dated furniture she had been saving for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is always trying to foist random crap on us. Our policy is to accept anything that isn't an actual hardship for us to take--like, if we're flying and it won't fit in our luggage, we don't take it. Then, we get rid of it--trash it if it's garbage, donate it, give it away on the neighborhood listserv, whatever. If we visit by car, we let her load it up with random stuff she found in the basement and hit the Salvation Army donation box on the way out of town.

Don't keep stuff you don't want.

The spending too much money thing is an issue if you'll be expected to or feel obligated to help her out when she exceeds her financial limits.

+1. We handle stuff from my MIL in exactly the same way.

The only things we handle differently are things she gives us that were actually family items (e.g., her old dining room set). These I refuse to accept unless I am willing to use them or store them because I don't want to be the one who disposed of a family "heirloom." (I use that term very, very loosely.)

Thanks. We will definitely aim to take this approach at a time in our lives when the mere act of doing this isn't causing a strain on us, but we are running pretty close to empty these days, demanding jobs and lives and baby that doesn't sleep well... plus actively trying to remove clutter... loading up the car with this crap and hitting the salvation army box actually IS a hardship to us, though I haven't actually checked for one on the way out of town, perhaps I can do that.