Queen Bee Mom unhappy with me and I'm afraid my kid will pay the price

[Anonymous]

It is truly junior high behavior, but if you're the target, it doesn't matter if you try to approach it in a mature fashion.

So rather than rise above it, you should worry about things that have not happened yet, and people's behavior that you can't change? Sounds unhealthy and non-productive.

[Anonymous]

Lawd OP, this woman is stuck in high school And you want to be seen anywhere near her? Why? So you can be seen as an antisocial, immature cad too?

No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Consider it a blessing. Now you are free from caring what she does because it doesn't matter what you do. Always act as if your child were watching you from a potted plant in the corner -- always act toward QBM in a way you wish your child would emulate. Know that most moms don't give a flying YOUKNOWWHAT about QBM and her antics. Just seek them out. It is harder to find them because they don't gossip about each other or other people's children.

This. My oldest is now in 6th grade. When he was in K, I dutifully joined the PTA and started to attend meetings only to discover the Queen Bees and the cliques. The PTA was, to me, surprisingly unwelcoming and in those early years minority parents never attended the school - which is surprising since it's a majority-minority school. I didn't do as much with the PTA as I could have but I didn't completely pull back because, corny as it may sound, I believe in it. Any time a new person showed up, I welcomed them warmly. A few moms similar to me had historically done a few event and I joined them. Those events went really well and drew more volunteers. The events run by the QBs were less successful and required the QBs to work harder because no one liked working with them. Now, 6 years later, there's been significant change and I like to think I'm part of it.

Although the QBs really pissed me off, I approached it like the above poster suggested. It wasn't that hard for me, I think, because I grew up with a lot of trauma in my childhood and I learned at an early age how to handle this kind of behavior - there wasn't anything these QBs could do that was worse than what I experienced at home. Although there are better ways to learn the lessons I did, I'm tough, resilient, confident and know there's far more to life than what the QBs think there is. I can already see my kids learning through the behavior I'm modeling.

I can't stand those QBs but they really don't matter to me and what I'm trying to do. If my kids get frozen out because of it, it's a life lesson for my kids. I work to show them how they can mitigate the effects of the QB kids. Unfortunately, this behavior does end in ES. They'll be encountering QBs their entire life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Consider it a blessing. Now you are free from caring what she does because it doesn't matter what you do. Always act as if your child were watching you from a potted plant in the corner -- always act toward QBM in a way you wish your child would emulate. Know that most moms don't give a flying YOUKNOWWHAT about QBM and her antics. Just seek them out. It is harder to find them because they don't gossip about each other or other people's children.

This. My oldest is now in 6th grade. When he was in K, I dutifully joined the PTA and started to attend meetings only to discover the Queen Bees and the cliques. The PTA was, to me, surprisingly unwelcoming and in those early years minority parents never attended the school - which is surprising since it's a majority-minority school. I didn't do as much with the PTA as I could have but I didn't completely pull back because, corny as it may sound, I believe in it. Any time a new person showed up, I welcomed them warmly. A few moms similar to me had historically done a few event and I joined them. Those events went really well and drew more volunteers. The events run by the QBs were less successful and required the QBs to work harder because no one liked working with them. Now, 6 years later, there's been significant change and I like to think I'm part of it.

Although the QBs really pissed me off, I approached it like the above poster suggested. It wasn't that hard for me, I think, because I grew up with a lot of trauma in my childhood and I learned at an early age how to handle this kind of behavior - there wasn't anything these QBs could do that was worse than what I experienced at home. Although there are better ways to learn the lessons I did, I'm tough, resilient, confident and know there's far more to life than what the QBs think there is. I can already see my kids learning through the behavior I'm modeling.

I can't stand those QBs but they really don't matter to me and what I'm trying to do. If my kids get frozen out because of it, it's a life lesson for my kids. I work to show them how they can mitigate the effects of the QB kids. Unfortunately, this behavior does end in ES. They'll be encountering QBs their entire life.

PP - I had a similar experience as you. As a former teacher and then SAHM, I was excited to volunteer in the PTSA and meet other moms. I felt like I got a very cold reception and couldn't navigate into the QBs. I stopped attending monthly meetings and only volunteered for events that didn't have planning meetings. (bookfair, field day, class pictures etc...) I also stopped donating besides the yearly membership fee and chose to spend that money on DCs classroom teacher instead. QBs complain about lack of funding and low participation ... I wonder if they every step back to figure out why.

[Anonymous]

QBs do not have enough sense to realize that they and their lack of personalities are their own downfall. The administration and teachers see it, OP. They have been at it longer than any of us. Don't worry about bringing the QBs down, they do a fine job themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
QBs do not have enough sense to realize that they and their lack of personalities are their own downfall. The administration and teachers see it, OP. They have been at it longer than any of us. Don't worry about bringing the QBs down, they do a fine job themselves.

This is simply not true. All the posters who claim you can somehow rise above their behavior are either kidding themselves or have never experienced this type of social dynamic. It can be brutal. Teachers and administration are on the QB's side in these kinds of schools too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
QBs do not have enough sense to realize that they and their lack of personalities are their own downfall. The administration and teachers see it, OP. They have been at it longer than any of us. Don't worry about bringing the QBs down, they do a fine job themselves.

This is simply not true. All the posters who claim you can somehow rise above their behavior are either kidding themselves or have never experienced this type of social dynamic. It can be brutal. Teachers and administration are on the QB's side in these kinds of schools too.

This is not what I, and several of my friends have seen in several close in schools. QBs are *not always* the ones with the most resources. If QBs are smart, they won't pretend they know who they are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
QBs do not have enough sense to realize that they and their lack of personalities are their own downfall. The administration and teachers see it, OP. They have been at it longer than any of us. Don't worry about bringing the QBs down, they do a fine job themselves.

This is simply not true. All the posters who claim you can somehow rise above their behavior are either kidding themselves or have never experienced this type of social dynamic. It can be brutal. Teachers and administration are on the QB's side in these kinds of schools too.

I'm 10:42. I'm not kidding myself and I have experienced this dynamic. It's unfortunate there can be unpleasantness or discomfort but I wouldn't call it brutal. Brutal is seeing your father rage and beat the shit out of your mother. Brutal is the discussion you have with the trauma surgeon who will operate on your DD. Brutal is walling off your emotions so you can remain calm while comforting your SN/LD child who feels suddenly realizes he's not like everyone else. What these QBs do at school doesn't even come close to being brutal. If you feel that it is, you have no perspective and probably lack confidence.

I also wonder what teachers/administrators do to show they're on the 'QB's side'. What 'side' is there? Are they not teaching your kid? Are they targeting your child? If so, you have recourse. I highly doubt QBs have so much influence that your DC would be subjected because of it. If so, please start a new thread (referencing it here) and I'd be happy to help you address those issues. As the parent of an SN child, I have a lot of experience working with teachers/administrators that could be doing a better job.

[Anonymous]

Whoa! Relax, everybody. QB is a temporary problem, as is her DD, who'll must likely grow up to hate her mom anyway.

OP, sit tight, ignore QB, cherish your DD and remember "this too shall pass."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
QBs do not have enough sense to realize that they and their lack of personalities are their own downfall. The administration and teachers see it, OP. They have been at it longer than any of us. Don't worry about bringing the QBs down, they do a fine job themselves.

This is simply not true. All the posters who claim you can somehow rise above their behavior are either kidding themselves or have never experienced this type of social dynamic. It can be brutal. Teachers and administration are on the QB's side in these kinds of schools too.

I'm 10:42. I'm not kidding myself and I have experienced this dynamic. It's unfortunate there can be unpleasantness or discomfort but I wouldn't call it brutal. Brutal is seeing your father rage and beat the shit out of your mother. Brutal is the discussion you have with the trauma surgeon who will operate on your DD. Brutal is walling off your emotions so you can remain calm while comforting your SN/LD child who feels suddenly realizes he's not like everyone else. What these QBs do at school doesn't even come close to being brutal. If you feel that it is, you have no perspective and probably lack confidence.

I also wonder what teachers/administrators do to show they're on the 'QB's side'. What 'side' is there? Are they not teaching your kid? Are they targeting your child? If so, you have recourse. I highly doubt QBs have so much influence that your DC would be subjected because of it. If so, please start a new thread (referencing it here) and I'd be happy to help you address those issues. As the parent of an SN child, I have a lot of experience working with teachers/administrators that could be doing a better job.

What the....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Consider it a blessing. Now you are free from caring what she does because it doesn't matter what you do. Always act as if your child were watching you from a potted plant in the corner -- always act toward QBM in a way you wish your child would emulate. Know that most moms don't give a flying YOUKNOWWHAT about QBM and her antics. Just seek them out. It is harder to find them because they don't gossip about each other or other people's children.

This. My oldest is now in 6th grade. When he was in K, I dutifully joined the PTA and started to attend meetings only to discover the Queen Bees and the cliques. The PTA was, to me, surprisingly unwelcoming and in those early years minority parents never attended the school - which is surprising since it's a majority-minority school. I didn't do as much with the PTA as I could have but I didn't completely pull back because, corny as it may sound, I believe in it. Any time a new person showed up, I welcomed them warmly. A few moms similar to me had historically done a few event and I joined them. Those events went really well and drew more volunteers. The events run by the QBs were less successful and required the QBs to work harder because no one liked working with them. Now, 6 years later, there's been significant change and I like to think I'm part of it.

Although the QBs really pissed me off, I approached it like the above poster suggested. It wasn't that hard for me, I think, because I grew up with a lot of trauma in my childhood and I learned at an early age how to handle this kind of behavior - there wasn't anything these QBs could do that was worse than what I experienced at home. Although there are better ways to learn the lessons I did, I'm tough, resilient, confident and know there's far more to life than what the QBs think there is. I can already see my kids learning through the behavior I'm modeling.

I can't stand those QBs but they really don't matter to me and what I'm trying to do. If my kids get frozen out because of it, it's a life lesson for my kids. I work to show them how they can mitigate the effects of the QB kids. Unfortunately, this behavior does end in ES. They'll be encountering QBs their entire life.

I don't doubt that you did what you said but you have more clout that you think if you were able to get around the QB. People with less social currency won't be successful no matter how hard they try.

[Anonymous]

OP, your only hope is to chaperone a school trip, have the plane crash on a deserted island and gain some points by being able to identify edible plants. But that only works until the QB bare-handedly kills a wild bore and roasts it on a spit; when the smell wafts over to the vegan side of the island you can expect your posse to abandon you for the QB's side. But you'll be better than that, so you won't care! Again!

[Anonymous]

Just what do these Queen Bees do that makes everyone so terrified of them? There are some nasty women in our school but I don't know anyone who is tip toeing around them like so many folks on this thread seem to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I don't understand is why people always side with the QB.

Fear that they will be next on the QB's list....

Why did Chamberlain give in to Hitler?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just what do these Queen Bees do that makes everyone so terrified of them? There are some nasty women in our school but I don't know anyone who is tip toeing around them like so many folks on this thread seem to.

I'm not going into details, and I'm bowing out after this post because it's brought up a lot of bad memories... But many years ago, my one strong disagreement with a QB led to her DD retaliating so severely, my DD ended up in therapy. No, I'm not a helicopter/drama mom. I knew things were bad with the freezing-out at school, but after a few months my DD started having physical symptoms that for some reason I didn't connect to the events at school. I brought her to the pediatrician because of headaches, not eating, and stomach problems. Next thing I knew, we had a consultation with a therapist who diagnosed her with depression. At six years old. This was a strong, resilient girl who was almost destroyed by her peers. Some of the rumors a few girls were spreading were so perverse, DD didn't even understand what they meant. Today she's OK, but she has always been very reluctant to trust other girls.

Of course, the QB retaliated against me, as well...half the moms wouldn't look me in the eye while these rumors were going around. That didn't concern me and in fact was a good weeding-out process of who had really been a friend in the first place. None of these people are in my life at this point anyway.

I know the attitude around DCUM is "If it didn't happen to me, it can't happen at all," but I couldn't sit by and watch PP after PP dismiss the issues with QBs. Let's not call them QBs, then. Let's call them really nasty people who can cause a lot of trouble for others. Have you all really never encountered such a person in your entire life?