I'm the step mom--do I get a vote?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You are way off base. I would be very proud of my husbands children if they went to good schools and got good jobs. I would be equally as proud of them if they went to trade school and were happy doing whatever trade they choose. My children will not be going private so there will be no Big 3. As I stated earlier, I have knew the deal going in that he supports the ex-wife and his children. As for DSS attending graduate school--I don't think parents should pay for graduate school. At what point do children have to take responsibility for their own actions?

I'm really not sure where these comments came from: "pay for an exceptional education for your own kids, a beautiful house, vacations to Europe, luxury cars "

My kids will go to public, we live in a house that I bought long before I met DH, no one goes to Europe and my car is 10 years old. The car I suspect will be a new purchase soon. The transmission kicks and at some point I am going to have to accept that I need a new car.

So where are your comments coming from?

OP, if your DH wants to help his DS with graduate school you would be opposed to this as well? It sounds like you did not, in fact, recognize that the deal going in was that DH intends to support his ex-DW and children. If he can afford to support them as he wants, he should be able to make those decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: You are way off base. I would be very proud of my husbands children if they went to good schools and got good jobs. I would be equally as proud of them if they went to trade school and were happy doing whatever trade they choose. My children will not be going private so there will be no Big 3. As I stated earlier, I have knew the deal going in that he supports the ex-wife and his children. As for DSS attending graduate school--I don't think parents should pay for graduate school. At what point do children have to take responsibility for their own actions?

I'm really not sure where these comments came from: "pay for an exceptional education for your own kids, a beautiful house, vacations to Europe, luxury cars "

My kids will go to public, we live in a house that I bought long before I met DH, no one goes to Europe and my car is 10 years old. The car I suspect will be a new purchase soon. The transmission kicks and at some point I am going to have to accept that I need a new car.

So where are your comments coming from?

OP, if your DH wants to help his DS with graduate school you would be opposed to this as well? It sounds like you did not, in fact, recognize that the deal going in was that DH intends to support his ex-DW and children. If he can afford to support them as he wants, he should be able to make those decisions.

Yes, but I'm also opposed to paying for my children to attend graduate school. DH and my finances are co-mingled. There is no his and hers. What we can afford to do, we do for all 4 children.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one OP. If you try and push for her to go somewhere she doesn't want to go you'll just come off looking like an evil stepmother. You chose to date a man with a ready made family now you have to deal with all the baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one OP. If you try and push for her to go somewhere she doesn't want to go you'll just come off looking like an evil stepmother. You chose to date a man with a ready made family now you have to deal with all the baggage.

So I come back to the title of my post---do I get a vote? DH cannot do this without me. Do I get any say in the matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one OP. If you try and push for her to go somewhere she doesn't want to go you'll just come off looking like an evil stepmother. You chose to date a man with a ready made family now you have to deal with all the baggage.

So I come back to the title of my post---do I get a vote? DH cannot do this without me. Do I get any say in the matter?

I should say DH cannot financially do this without me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't pay $50k/year for a horrible student to attend a no-name college. She should take out loans and Papa can pay them off if she gets A's and B's. Otherwise, she will have to figure out how to pay off her loans on her own. If she can't get good grades in high school, I don't see her doing all that well in college.

OP here---want to come to dinner tonight???

Yes, we can afford it. But I'm having a hard time understanding why it is worth it. What does one get with a no name degree that you can't get from a CC with a transfer to a state school? I agree with the PP above....she hasn't demonstrated an ability to get good grades on her own thus far...what is going to change when she gets to college?

Are there independent college counselors? My kids are in preschool, so I don't pay that much attention to the college forums. I know she has a guidance counselor at school. He's the person that recommended the private schools that she's looking at. What would an independent counselor do?

It sounds like you would prefer it if your two, or is it three, stepchildren would attend less expensive private schools (done at $12K/year) and colleges. I hope for your sake that DH's oldest son does not ask dad for help with graduate school. That way, you will have the money to send your own children to one of the Big 3. Your many posts reflects a disdain and annoyance with DH having to support his first wife and children, though he clearly has the money to do so. However, I can understand that you would prefer to use that money to pay for an exceptional education for your own kids, a beautiful house, vacations to Europe, luxury cars -- who wouldn't, I totally get it, I really do. Just please be honest with yourself about your true, perhaps selfish, motivations regarding DD's college education.

What are you talking about? I didn't get that impression for OP at all. Compared to some stepmothers on this board, she sounds very reasonable and supportive of her stepdaughter. You're projecting.

[Anonymous]

I can also offer that what I thought when my own kids were preschoolers and elementary age is much much different from what I think as they are preparing for college and beyond. Your views will likely change. OP, you keep asking if you get a vote. I guess it's not much different from any big conflict/decision in a marriage, right. You get a say, but in this case so does DH and DD. So I wouldn't keep harping on the "vote"; you're gonna lose that one. You can work on a compromise that doesn't include CC (unless DSD wants to get an associate or trade degree).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can also offer that what I thought when my own kids were preschoolers and elementary age is much much different from what I think as they are preparing for college and beyond. Your views will likely change. OP, you keep asking if you get a vote. I guess it's not much different from any big conflict/decision in a marriage, right. You get a say, but in this case so does DH and DD. So I wouldn't keep harping on the "vote"; you're gonna lose that one. You can work on a compromise that doesn't include CC (unless DSD wants to get an associate or trade degree).

Fair enough. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Ugh. I have a DD with stronger grades but she also gets a ton of "support" from her independent high school. I'm starting to worry about her ability to succeed in college without the safety net. So we are also wondering if a small private college is better so she'll have smaller classes, etc vs say a JMU which I fear will just be a cesspool of bad opportunities for her. No one here is a fan of CC, mostly because DD really needs to get put on her own so we can all see if she can make it.

For a student that you are describing, what is wrong with a community college or even a trade school?

Someone has to be the beautician, the plumber, the auto mechanic. Not every child is cut out to go to college, and to dismiss those other educational opportunities really does some kids a disservice.

Quiet frankly, your child could make a very good living in the trades or at least an acceptable living as an administrative assistant.

She is more likely to make it if she had an opportunity that she can succeed in, like community college, than if you throw tens of thousands of dollars away at a private college that she is completely unprepared for. Not to mention, many of the easier degrees at a university are not degrees which will produce jobs as an end result. Given what you described, she is far more likely to support herself in the end if she goes the trade school/community college route.

I don't want to derail OPs post but your post is sort of funny in that you think you know so much from the only fact that my DD gets her 3.8 GPA with a lot of school support. My husband's father was a mailman, his mother a SAHM of 8 kids who never got her driver's license and my parents got college degrees late in life. So in our family college degrees are essentially non-negotiable and something to be treasured. Having said that, if my DD showed some strong ability or desire to venture out after HS graduation, to take a gap year, pick up a trade, etc., I'm certain we would support her.

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot of people on this board have been raised totally differently than I have and have a different attitude regarding the importance of certain "types" of colleges. The sentiment I see frequently on the college board that you are setting your child up for failure if you don't send him/her to a certain tier of college is one that I don't quite understand. Not everyone is a good fit for a four-year college right out of high school.

Have a frank discussion with your DH and stepdaughter about where she sees herself headed and what steps she can take to get there. She has time to bring up her grades, if going to a four-year school of her choice is what she desires. I would be looking for her motivation more than anything else - that will guide your options and allow everyone to feel satisfied with the path you all choose. It's not so much about getting a vote but about what is the right fit for her, and that doesn't necessarily have to be $50k/year.

[Anonymous]

I think that your comment along the lines of: "Most colleges can accommodate ADHD, can't they" reveals a profound lack of knowledge on that topic. Also, not enough information has been provided for people to know whether college completion is likely or not -- many students with ADHD and/or LDs who struggle in high school, thrive in college (in small classes) where they can focus on the subjects that interest them, vs. having to study all subjects (simultaneously).
Again, without knowing more about her learning profile, there's no way to know whether she should be at a college with a lot of extra learning support, such as McDaniel College in Westminster, MD, or Stevenson Univ. (formerly Villa Julie College) in the Baltimore area.
If I were in your shoes, I would think long and hard about how to approach this issue. It doesn't sound as if you and your stepdaughter are close, and it sounds as if you might think she's lazy -- I would want to know more if I were you before I would weigh in. And, as someone else just posted, you really do not know how you will feel when your kids are ready for college. My sibs and I all did very well in school, and I didn't expect to raise a child (one of my two) who found a classroom a tough place to be.

[Anonymous]

I read the original post and feel compelled to respond to the OP, as I have lived this story.

OP, several years ago you met a man in a perhaps flawed and unhappy, but still intact marriage. This man had, I assume, a longtime, stay-at-home wife, and two older children. The younger child is a daughter with ADHD.

You two met and the attraction was strong, immediate, and undeniable. At this point you could both have acted selflessly, though of the longtime wife and the two children involved, and not let the situation go any further. Instead, you both acted selfishly, and pursued your love and own interests and passions, the consequences be damned.

At the time you told yourself, and him, that you would love his children as your won, that you understood his baggage and you accepted him, that you would love him "for richer and for poorer". And then reality got in the way of your fairytale, storybook, happily-ever-after romance.

I know this story because I lived it. Back in 1985 I was starting 8th grade. I had an older brother who was a senior, and our little sister was in 4th grade. We had a very happy family life, my mom was a doctor turned stay-at-home mother, and my dad was a well-respected law firm partner. We all attended the same DC private school, had a lovely house, took great vacations, in other words my life was seemingly perfect.

That fall my dad left the family for a young associate at his law firm. We were completely devastated and shattered. I think only my older brother escaped relatively unscathed because he was already almost off to college. Dad promised nothing would change, that he still loved us, and that he would continue to support our mom and our lives as he always had. Within a year he was remarried, and by my 10th grade year he and his much-younger, new wife were expecting a baby.

The reality was that life had changed. Not only did our beloved older brother go off to college within a year, but my sister and I saw our dad much less often that we had before. My mother literally had to beg him to pay for the things we had taken for granted before, like summer classes and a beach vacation. Our stepmother clearly did not appreciate his having to support two households, and made this obvious to me at every turn.

I went from being a straight-A student in 8th grade, voted class speaker, to being the girl who made out with the potheads behind the bleachers at the football games. I went into my 12th grade year with a B average, dismal grades in a family that valued education and achievement (older brother attended Princeton). I cannot even begin to imagine the impact of a traumatic divorce on a girl with ADHD, as your stepdaughter has.

By the grace of God, with my mother's steady, unwavering support, and with the belief my teachers had in me, I rather miraculously earned admission to the University of Chicago. My stepmother opposed my dad spending that kind of tuition the education of a burnout, B student, but my school counselors convinced him that it would be worth it for me.

I entered college deeply appreciative to my mother, my father for having faith in me, and my college counselors. I set out to prove that everyone's belief in me was well-founded. I graduated near the top of my class, and like my mother went on to attend medical school afterwards. My brother, sister and I are very grateful that our father overrode our stepmother's objections to pay for our college, law school, and medical school educations.

After my younger sister left for college, my mother finally went back to school to earn a masters in education, and then returned to her home state where she still teaches high school biology. My father and his second wife eventually divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't pay $50k/year for a horrible student to attend a no-name college. She should take out loans and Papa can pay them off if she gets A's and B's. Otherwise, she will have to figure out how to pay off her loans on her own. If she can't get good grades in high school, I don't see her doing all that well in college.

OP here---want to come to dinner tonight???

Yes, we can afford it. But I'm having a hard time understanding why it is worth it. What does one get with a no name degree that you can't get from a CC with a transfer to a state school? I agree with the PP above....she hasn't demonstrated an ability to get good grades on her own thus far...what is going to change when she gets to college?

Are there independent college counselors? My kids are in preschool, so I don't pay that much attention to the college forums. I know she has a guidance counselor at school. He's the person that recommended the private schools that she's looking at. What would an independent counselor do?

It sounds like you would prefer it if your two, or is it three, stepchildren would attend less expensive private schools (done at $12K/year) and colleges. I hope for your sake that DH's oldest son does not ask dad for help with graduate school. That way, you will have the money to send your own children to one of the Big 3. Your many posts reflects a disdain and annoyance with DH having to support his first wife and children, though he clearly has the money to do so. However, I can understand that you would prefer to use that money to pay for an exceptional education for your own kids, a beautiful house, vacations to Europe, luxury cars -- who wouldn't, I totally get it, I really do. Just please be honest with yourself about your true, perhaps selfish, motivations regarding DD's college education.

What are you talking about? I didn't get that impression for OP at all. Compared to some stepmothers on this board, she sounds very reasonable and supportive of her stepdaughter. You're projecting.

NP here, she sounds self-motivated to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: You are way off base. I would be very proud of my husbands children if they went to good schools and got good jobs. I would be equally as proud of them if they went to trade school and were happy doing whatever trade they choose. My children will not be going private so there will be no Big 3. As I stated earlier, I have knew the deal going in that he supports the ex-wife and his children. As for DSS attending graduate school--I don't think parents should pay for graduate school. At what point do children have to take responsibility for their own actions?

I'm really not sure where these comments came from: "pay for an exceptional education for your own kids, a beautiful house, vacations to Europe, luxury cars "

My kids will go to public, we live in a house that I bought long before I met DH, no one goes to Europe and my car is 10 years old. The car I suspect will be a new purchase soon. The transmission kicks and at some point I am going to have to accept that I need a new car.

So where are your comments coming from?

OP, if your DH wants to help his DS with graduate school you would be opposed to this as well? It sounds like you did not, in fact, recognize that the deal going in was that DH intends to support his ex-DW and children. If he can afford to support them as he wants, he should be able to make those decisions.

Yes, but I'm also opposed to paying for my children to attend graduate school. DH and my finances are co-mingled. There is no his and hers. What we can afford to do, we do for all 4 children.

Oh for gods sake. I went to a big three school and most of my friends had to take out loans for grad school. I'm talking about people whose parents are doctors, big law partners, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read the original post and feel compelled to respond to the OP, as I have lived this story.

OP, several years ago you met a man in a perhaps flawed and unhappy, but still intact marriage. This man had, I assume, a longtime, stay-at-home wife, and two older children. The younger child is a daughter with ADHD.

You two met and the attraction was strong, immediate, and undeniable. At this point you could both have acted selflessly, though of the longtime wife and the two children involved, and not let the situation go any further. Instead, you both acted selfishly, and pursued your love and own interests and passions, the consequences be damned.

At the time you told yourself, and him, that you would love his children as your won, that you understood his baggage and you accepted him, that you would love him "for richer and for poorer". And then reality got in the way of your fairytale, storybook, happily-ever-after romance.

I know this story because I lived it. Back in 1985 I was starting 8th grade. I had an older brother who was a senior, and our little sister was in 4th grade. We had a very happy family life, my mom was a doctor turned stay-at-home mother, and my dad was a well-respected law firm partner. We all attended the same DC private school, had a lovely house, took great vacations, in other words my life was seemingly perfect.

That fall my dad left the family for a young associate at his law firm. We were completely devastated and shattered. I think only my older brother escaped relatively unscathed because he was already almost off to college. Dad promised nothing would change, that he still loved us, and that he would continue to support our mom and our lives as he always had. Within a year he was remarried, and by my 10th grade year he and his much-younger, new wife were expecting a baby.

The reality was that life had changed. Not only did our beloved older brother go off to college within a year, but my sister and I saw our dad much less often that we had before. My mother literally had to beg him to pay for the things we had taken for granted before, like summer classes and a beach vacation. Our stepmother clearly did not appreciate his having to support two households, and made this obvious to me at every turn.

I went from being a straight-A student in 8th grade, voted class speaker, to being the girl who made out with the potheads behind the bleachers at the football games. I went into my 12th grade year with a B average, dismal grades in a family that valued education and achievement (older brother attended Princeton). I cannot even begin to imagine the impact of a traumatic divorce on a girl with ADHD, as your stepdaughter has.

By the grace of God, with my mother's steady, unwavering support, and with the belief my teachers had in me, I rather miraculously earned admission to the University of Chicago. My stepmother opposed my dad spending that kind of tuition the education of a burnout, B student, but my school counselors convinced him that it would be worth it for me.

I entered college deeply appreciative to my mother, my father for having faith in me, and my college counselors. I set out to prove that everyone's belief in me was well-founded. I graduated near the top of my class, and like my mother went on to attend medical school afterwards. My brother, sister and I are very grateful that our father overrode our stepmother's objections to pay for our college, law school, and medical school educations.

After my younger sister left for college, my mother finally went back to school to earn a masters in education, and then returned to her home state where she still teaches high school biology. My father and his second wife eventually divorced.

While I can appreciate your situation, please do not project it on me. DH and I did not start dating until long after his divorce.